Monday, December 31, 2012

The Little Things

A friend of mine at work just called my extension and said, "I have something for you."

"I'll be right there."

I walked to the next building and into her office where she handed me a small pack of about 4 bobbin reels. I was telling her last week how I needed to learn how to use the new sewing machine I had been given. (Lena got it for me at a garage sale, almost brand-new; the seller just didn't need it.) I had mentioned to this friend that I had to figure out how to set up the bobbin and that I might need to come over to her house so she could show me. She's offered before; she's great with sewing, quilting, who knows what else... plus she has several pets and I always love meeting people's pets. :)

"Yeah," I had told her, "I even bought a pack of bobbins but I have no idea where I put them. I have looked everywhere I can think to look. I think I'm the queen of misplacing things."

And this morning, she gave me new bobbins. Just a small gift; probably cost her a dollar or two, but the thoughtfulness behind the action put a smile on my face and it's still there as I type this.

"Thank you so much; you made my day!"

It's true. That small gesture really picked me up this morning.

It's not the gift; it's the thoughtfulness BEHIND the gift.

It's the friend who emailed me back after I wrote her about the calamity going on in my family these days.

It's the other friend who loaned me a dollar so I could get a snack out of the vending machine and spent a little time in conversation with me about our pastor and about the wonderful guest speaker we had at church yesterday.

It's being able to walk away from that friend and call back, "You're my favorite big sister!" And to hear her respond, "You're my favorite little!"

It's the little things. :) :) :)

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Too Many Words

Someone I really love is heading in a direction I hate.

I would never have expected this from this person.

I am trying to come across to her as non-judgmental. I keep telling her I will love her no matter what she does. No matter what... a friend of mine told me she has that agreement with her daughters; that she has instilled in them the knowledge that, no matter what happens in any of their lives, she will always, always love them.

I love this person but am extremely upset with what she is doing and with the potential results from the fallout once this action is completed... and all the people who will be hurt... all the lives that will be affected... all the souls that will be wounded.

I'm already feeling wounded just with the knowledge of what is brewing.

I keep giving it to God, giving it to God... in faith, that's the ultimate best I can do. That's all I CAN do.

This is a huge test in the areas of detachment and boundaries; all those good self-help, self-preservation terms I have learned over the years.

There are too many words in my head to sum up into one catchy phrase for a title for this entry. Friends, please pray. A whole bunch of people need huge help in this situation. Thanks....

Saturday, December 29, 2012

GoodReads Profile

Lately I have discovered several really awesome websites... getting more into ebay, loving the hell out of PaperBack Swap, and a great site called Goodreads... . All very worth perusing at the very least.

This morning, this lovely Saturday morning, I find myself at work... not my favorite choice for a Saturday morning but hey, the overtime is awesome. We have to finish our inventory so before you criticize me for being online, we have not yet started inventorying for the day. :-)

Anyway, this morning I finally completed my profile on and would like to share it in this blog post. I think it pretty much paints an accurate-though-brief picture of me these days.

"I live in Baton Rouge with my 2 cats Hippie and Leroy, and my sweet dog Luna. I am a lesbian and have a wonderful life partner but we chose not to "U-Haul" and have a wonderful relationship still living in our own homes. Which of course is subject to change when the time comes but, for now, things are just right. I am a part of Metropolitan Community Church of Baton Rouge. Currently my mind has been opening more and more which is surprisingly refreshing, not scary at all. (I grew up in an ultra-conservative, mainstream Charismatic church where you believed what you were taught and didn't question.) For a while, all I read were self-help books... trying to figure out how to not be gay (ha ha) but these days I am learning how much I fanatically love fiction and read every chance I get. I am also interested in sociology, social work, art and psychology. My #1 dream goal is to become an Art Therapist. Any recommendations on books to that effect would be welcomed. Nice to meet you all!"

Now. The Electronic and Instrumentation room calleth, and I must go count, list, relocate and document its contents. Have an awesome weekend!!

Thursday, December 13, 2012

YEAH for Omega and Atlas!

This just makes me smile HUGE. :-D Here's the link for my reference, and below it is the story. Awesome, awesome.

"At about 11:42pm two males armed with handguns robbed a victim of property in the 400 block of East Boyd and fled in a white car. At about 1:15am another victim was robbed by two suspects matching the same description in the 5100 block of Highland Road. This victim managed to get the license plate number off the suspect’s vehicle as it fled and within just a few minutes a Baton Rouge Police K-9 officer spotted the suspect car traveling north on I-110. When he tried to stop it the suspects fled and officers from several Districts assisted as K-9 pursed the suspect vehicle for approximately 15 minutes through north Baton Rouge. The suspects finally abandoned their car in the 3600 block of Lone Oak and tried to escape on foot, but K-9’s “Omega” and “Atlas” quickly apprehended both of them. After being treated at Earl K. Long for dog bites both suspects were booked into the East Baton Rouge Parish Prison charged with Armed Robbery, Aggravated Flight from an Officer and Resisting an Officer. They are Deshawn Lollis, 18, 2786 N. Lark and Rodney Washington, 25, 2774 75th."


God is amazing. He is completely faithful to provide all the things I need… materially, financially, relationally… God is good in every way. This is just what’s in my heart and I need to set it free. I have never done without something I truly NEEDED. Maybe I’ve had to do without something I WANTED, but never a necessity. Even if the provision wasn’t in the form I’d originally thought of, a way was made and whatever needed to happen… happened.

When I didn’t have money for food, a friend surprised me by taking me out to eat.

When I didn’t have money to pay rent, I was given a new place to live for free or for cheap.

When I was lonely, I was sometimes sent a friend and sometimes given the company of a dear and sweet pet.

When I needed clothes, maybe I couldn’t buy something brand new at the mall, but I have honed the skill of effective Goodwill shopping.

When I didn’t have a car, I learned to use the bus. I got to work and got where I needed to go, just in a different way than I would have usually thought.

When I didn’t have a job, I was given “a” job – a source of at least adequate income even if I had to stretch it – even if it wasn’t my dream job right then. Maybe the timing was different in God’s plan than it was in my mind. God knows.

I could go on and on.

But I think you get the picture. J

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Twelve Twelve Twelve

Twelves! Today is 12-12-12. Pretty cool. So I am going to make 12 lists of twelves…………

List 1 – Twelve people I love, in no particular order

1. My sweet Lena
2. My mom
3. My nephew Avery
4. My dad
5. My nephew Abel
6. My sister Lisa
7. My brother Kevin
8. My brother Matt
9. My sweet Ma-Ma
10. Pastor Keith Mozingo
11. My friend Amy
12. My friend Melanie

List 2 – Twelve animals I love or have loved

1. Luna (dog)
2. Hippie (cat)
3. Leroy (cat)
4. Vladimir (cat)
5. Little D (cat)
6. Taz (cat)
7. Stitches (dog)
8. Sugar (dog)
9. Rocco (bird)
10. RJ (bird)
11. Liefje (cat)
12. Sam I Am (kitten

List 3 – Twelve jobs I have had (either temporary or permanent, not in any order)

1. Albemarle Corporation
2. ExxonMobil Pipeline
3. Capital Title of Texas
4. Catering for Bayou Country Superfest
5. McDonald’s
6. Target
7. Pearson’s Luggage
8. Stewart Title
9. Louisiana Road Home Program
10. Dr. Frank Henchy’s Dermatology Office
11. Louisiana Department of Labor
12. Texas Title

List 4 – Twelve Texas cities I have either been in, lived in or lived near

1. Dallas, TX
2. Lewisville, TX
3. Bedford, TX
4. Austin, TX
5. Fort Worth, TX
6. Port Arthur, TX
7. Terrell, TX
8. Houston, TX
9. Denton, TX
10. Farmers Branch, TX
11. Grapevine, TX
12. Sanger, TX

List 5 – Twelve subjects or classes I have liked or been good in throughout my education

1. High School English
2. Early European History
3. High School Drama
4. Floral Design
5. Micro Social Work
6. Mezzo Social Work
7. Abnormal Psychology
8. Methods of Social Research
9. Art History
10. American History
11. Basic Psychology
12. Social Problems

List 6 – Twelve people I’ve called good friends in my life

1. Mandy Bowden
2. Christy Miller
3. Kellie Johnson
4. Ann Stafford
5. Nicole Martin
6. Sandi Forrester
7. Amber Corona
8. Angela Tibbetts
9. Amy O’Neal
10. Leslie Palmer
11. Amanda Key
12. Amy Jo Talmage

List 7 – Twelve books I’ve read semi-recently

1. Stieg Larsson – The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
2. Steig Larsson – The Girl Who Played with Fire
3. Steig Larsson – The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest *(currently reading)
4. James Patterson – The Quickie
5. Lisa Gardner – Live to Tell
6. John Grisham – The Last Juror
7. Stuart Woods – Two Dollar Bill
8. Suzanne Collins – The Hunger Games
9. Karin Slaughter – Broken
10. Lee Child – 61 Hours
11. Lee Child – Worth Dying For
12. Michael Connelly – The Lincoln Lawyer

(wow, if I were to make a list of all the books I’d read in the last year or so, it would go for miles… okay maybe for feet… LOL)

List 8 – Twelve websites I like

1. Yahoo mail
2. Facebook
3. Goodreads
4. Municibid
5. PaperBackSwap
6. Google
7. USA Today Crossword
8. USA Today Sudoku
10. Craigslist
12. MyPoints

List 9 – Twelve musicians/bands I love

1. Melissa Etheridge
2. KT Tunstall
3. Fun
4. Journey
5. Boston
6. Led Zeppelin
7. Nelly Furtado
8. Madonna
9. Cyndi Lauper
10. Patty Griffin
11. Mumford and Sons
12. Michael Jackson

List 10 – Twelve cities I’ve been to (besides Texas)

1. New Orleans
2. St. Louis
3. Budapest
4. Amsterdam
5. Tczew, Poland
6. Los Angeles
7. Pittsburgh
8. Pensacola Beach
9. Biloxi
10. Gulf Shores
11. Tulsa
12. Bytom, Poland

List 11 – Twelve things I like to do

1. Crochet
2. Work on my altered book
3. Read a LOT
4. Paint
5. Research topics that make me curious
6. Walk my dog
7. Jog
8. Play with my cats
9. Hang with my nephews
10. Play basketball with Lena
11. Ride my bike
12. Watch DVDs on my couch

List 12 – Twelve things I would like to accomplish

1. Get in better shape
2. Keep my house cleaner
3. Pay off my car
4. Pay off my student loans
5. Improve my credit
6. Go to Ireland
7. Go to NYC
8. Ride my bike a long, long, far way
9. Run a half marathon and then a marathon
10. Keep my same job for years and years
11. Grow vegetables
12. Sell things I make or paint

Monday, December 10, 2012

Serenitize Me

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I do not claim to be wise by any means. I know that each struggle I face is an opportunity for me to become stronger. In the past, I have made bad decisions in response to repeated struggles; these days, my efforts and intentions are to respond in the best way and to make correct choices. It is by the grace of God that I stand on any day, but especially on days like today. One moment at a time; that’s how I’m doing today. One breath at a time. Choosing not to run, not to retaliate, not to take out my frustrations on myself… those are the right choices for today. There is a scripture about thinking on good things; thing that are true, honest, just, pure and lovely. Lord, please help me to think that way today. Please help me relax so I am not a tight rubber band waiting to snap or fly at a moment’s notice. Relax, to breathe, to take one moment at a time. I should not hold “rollover” stress, accumulated from one moment to the next. Lord, please help me to let it all go. Finish one moment and close it up, then move on to the next. I do not need to resolve incidents from each moment; just let them go and move forward. Please help me to live detached. Help me to focus on You and You only.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Nephew Cuteness

My 7 year-old nephew is sweet and very smart. Also inquisitive, always wanting to know more or know why. He also likes to let you KNOW that he knows what he knows... because what use is knowledge if no one knows you have it, right? Right.

This past Sunday evening, my family was over at my sister's house. She had her Christmas tree set up and was letting the boys help hang ornaments when my aforementioned nephew began proliferating about the meaning of Christmas.

Nephew: I love Christmas! I mean I REALLY love Christmas! And Christmas is not just about presents; it's about God, and how God loves us, because Christmas is when God "Christed" Jesus!"

(May I interject how cute that was yet so true... God the Father made Jesus His Son to be our Christ... insightfully incorrect wording there, little guy.)

Nephew continues after pausing for a moment to think: What does "Christ" mean?

My sister: Christ means "anointed one."

Nephew: Huh? Why was he the annoying one?

Sister, laughing: No, the ANOINTED one. He was special.

That was so funny and cute, I just had to share it.

That's all for now. Here's a pic of my little sweetie when he was a little younger.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Happy Birthday to Me

It's my birthday.

I am 37 years old.

I do not feel "old." I just feel... like me!

It is FREEZIN FREAKIN COLD TODAY!!!!! Though, earlier, I did thank God that my birthday is a cold day this year. I still mean it.

I am grateful for my job, my home, my pets, my Lena, my church, my relationship with God and my family.

This past year (11/28 to 11/28) I have worked all at the same job, lived at the same place (well starting 12/1/11), gotten in a great new relationship (4/19), consolidated my school loan payments into one, and paid off a few debts. I also saw Melissa Etheridge in concert in Biloxi, MS and spend an amazing weekend in Pensacola Beach with Lena. I have fostered and adopted out somewhere in the neighborhood of 11-14 kittens and have done a little volunteer work at CAAWS, the Capital Area Animal Welfare Society here in Baton Rouge. I feel very good about that.

This next year, I need to pay off a lot more debts, have a substantial increase in income to be able to do so, fix up some things on my vehicle and put more effort into self-discipline including exercise and keeping my house clean.

This next year, I WANT to take Lena to Dallas, go to Chicago, go to Memphis, save up a lot of money, have plenty to spend next Black Friday, lose some weight and get in better shape.

All in all, I'd say my life is between pretty and really damn good. I am truly grateful for that and look forward to this next year... not as one more year to grow older, but as another year of opportunity to do good things and also to improve my own life!

And, as always, my goal remains to be a VERY sexy 40-year-old one day. :)

Here is a picture I took yesterday of my sweet girl Luna, who I've had for 6 years and is one of my closest and dearest friends:

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Wednesday Update

Presidential election... I guess yay, mostly I'm glad the campaigning is over. I hope this 4 years is better than the last. I hope people elected to whatever they were elected to... keep their valiant promises and do what they said. We shall see.

I feel like a big ball of snot today. Yuck. At least I'm feeling better than last night. Weird how sinuses can turn especially evil when it's dark outside.

I learned who had been declared the President by listening to NPR on the way to work this morning. Ha... cold medicine knocked me out long before the results were in.

I woke up a few times in the night. It was one of those really great nights where, when you wake up, it feels like you've been sleeping for HOURS, then you look at the clock and see you've only been asleep an hour or two. Realizing you have so much nighttime left is a good incentive to smile. :-)

Hmmm... what else has been going on in my life... things with Lena are good... things with God are good... got to spend a lot of time with my little nephews 2 recent weekends in a row. All the pets are healthy and I was able to find a home for 3 more formerly-stray kittens... which brings my total adoptions coordinated to about... 12??... since I've been living where I do now, over the past year. That makes me happy.

I know I blog a bit about the Bible... I don't want to run off anybody who is just seeking a "normal" blog to read... but I also want this blog to truly represent me as an individual and who I am. So I hope you will read this blog even when I get Bible-ey, even if that's not your thing. I'm not a thumper, just a believer; sometimes I learn things that help me a lot and I want to share them.

Just checking in. Now back to battling my sinuses... and a heavily-forecasted return to Benadryl-land this evening when I get home.

To close, here's a picture of my Hippie. He's the little kitten by my old laptop in the picture at the top of this blog. All grown up now... my sweet, sweet boy :-)

Friday, October 19, 2012

Give Us This Day

When I can, I like to listen to the radio program by Nancy Leigh DeMoss of Revive Our Hearts Ministries. She and I disagree fundamentally on the issue of homosexuality being acceptable to God as part of a life devoted to Him. Other than that, however, I almost always get a lot out of her teachings. Sometimes I take notes.

Lately she's been doing a series on the Lord's prayer; going into each phrase in depth. Today she was talking about "give us this day our daily bread."

I took a few notes from what she said today and I wanted to share them. Hopefully someone will get as much out of this as I did. So, all of the following is attributed to the teaching of Nancy Leigh DeMoss... not all direct quotes, but I tried to capture the meaning. I pray it feeds your soul!

We might demand things out of a spirit of expectation – but should not demand that God meet our gluttonous requests.

To ask God for our daily bread is to acknowledge that He is our provider and our source. We are unable to sustain ourselves apart from Him. I cannot survive a second apart from the Creator. Pray for daily bread.

When we say “I need” we’re using that word loosely. It’s hard to have that sense of deep dependence on God to meet our daily needs. God is our provider and we would not be able to survive apart from Him.

He needs no one and nothing. He is indebted to no one.

The vast majority of us have so much. We must recognize that we still need Him for everything including those necessities that may be plenteous in our lives. We need to realize we need to be thankful for what God is providing.

A child of God that doesn’t ask God to meet His daily needs is unlikely to be grateful.

Know the importance of having a grateful and humble heart. Be content.

God tests you to know what is in your heart. Like the Israelites in the desert, depending on Him for manna for food... God sometimes lets us hunger and be without what we consider basic necessities to test us; to see what's in our hearts.

Depend on God consciously for daily provision.

Man does not live by bread alone but by every word that comes from the mouth of God. It’s because we are hungry, literally or figuratively, that we cry out and say, “God, we need you.” He’s the source.

Keep God’s commandments. Don’t forget the Lord. The Lord fed Israel in the wilderness. You shall remember the Lord your God; it is He who gives you power to get wealth.

Have an attitude of gratitude. Bless the Lord whether we have little or plenty. People who are starving have an easier time remembering God than those of us who have plenty.

Know the importance of humility, gratitude and remembering God. We ask God for daily bread. For the basic necessities of life.

Remember today to ask Him, “Lord, give us this day our daily bread.” Don’t pray with vain repetitions; offer heartfelt gratitude.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

You Are Invited

21 They will have their own ruler again,
and he will come from their own people.
I will invite him to approach me,” says the Lord,
“for who would dare to come unless invited?

This is from Jeremiah 30. God has been talking about his children Israel and Judah. He has gone on about how they have rebelled and sinned against Him. He has detailed how they will be punished for this desertion. Yet, every time he expresses anger and a desire to punish, those words are followed up by words expressing a deep love and a desire for relationship restoration between His people and Himself.

Now, that was the Old Testament. Since Jesus came and served as a living sacrifice to pay for our sins, we can seek free forgiveness instead of having to go through God's wrath and punishment here on earth. Thank goodness for that! Before Jesus, it was a lot harder to gain or "earn" forgiveness. Nowadays, it's free. All we have to do is ask sincerely. That is amazing and wonderful.

What stood out to me in the above scripture was the Lord's saying that He will INVITE this new leader of His people... to approach Him. God stated that He was willing to invite this leader to come and sit with Him; to chat, to worship, to learn. "For who would dare to come unless invited?"

You don't show up at someone's party if you were not invited. That's just rude. You are setting yourself up for embarrassment, also, because you might be publicly told to leave. In the case of God, it's a matter of honor and of the FEAR of God. Not fear as in cowering from a threat or from evil... but fear as in... solemn respect. Fearing God is trusting that His way is best. The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom! (Psalm 111:10) Fearing God can be... fearing to be WITHOUT God. Meditate on that. Ask God to show you what the fear of God means to you, in your own understanding.

But, back to the subject of invitation. Today? Today, we are ALL invited to approach God! In fact, the Holy Spirit lives here on earth in the middle of us all, all the time. Responding to God's invitation to approach Him requires only... speaking to Him... worshipping Him... thinking of Him. It's that simple.

Jesus broke the divide between us and the Father God. There is no more thick curtain of separation. God WANTS us to seek Him and to approach Him, all the time.

We are invited. YOU are invited. Whoever you are, just as you are, you are invited to approach God. In God's presence is the fullness of joy. (Psalm 16:11)

Jesus is your invitation to approach God and receive all the goodness He has to offer. Will you accept?

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Trusting God's Promises

Jeremiah 17:

7 “But blessed are those who trust in the Lord
and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.
8 They are like trees planted along a riverbank,
with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green,
and they never stop producing fruit."

How dreamlike and amazing is that concept... not to be bothered by the heat or drought, ie: pressures of this world. Never worrying about whether we will have enough, where we will get what we need, stresses about what might or might not happen...

But then, that's pretty much a theme throughout all of God's word. Why can't I "GET" that?? Plug into God, no worries. Plug into God, He is my source and my protector and I truly have no worries.

I guess it's the continual pressures; the collection agencies on my tail, whom I would GLADLY pay IF I HAD THE MONEY... the student loans I absolutely cannot afford to pay... those are pressures that eat my brain day after day.

So perhaps... those things are the "heat" and the "drought" mentioned in those verses. I mean in all reality, I have a home, I have a job, I have a vehicle, I have food, I have pets and am able to care for them...

Lord, please help me to truly trust You... not just in my words but in my heart and in my head. You are GOD. If I can't trust You, who can I trust? Help me to live according to Your Word... not only in obedience, but also in terms of believing your promises and believing Your love. Thank you!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Weird Dreams #'s 19743 and 19744...

I had two dreams last night that really stood out to me. I have done some research on the meanings behind these dreams and wanted to note them in a blog.

The first dream showed me that I get too emotionally worked-up about things and need to detach. Per one of the explanations I found: "In some point in every woman's life, I believe we would all like to be able to disengage from that intense emotional side and chill out. We get very involved emotionally, in all things, and this can be tedious at times, for us and others." Basically this was in reference to a gender-change dream... kind of embarrassing but what am I if not way too open about personal information... yeah, that was an attempt at a joke... heh.

In the dream, which included my partner, we didn't "do" anything... we just... WERE. Both of us. Walking around in different rooms of the same house, both naked and moderately... male. I had to look that one up. The explanation I found helped me feel a lot more comfortable about the dream's content. Just need to chill, detach more...

Maybe need to go to an Al-Anon meeting or two... they talk a lot about healthy detachment. Hmm, that's a really good thought!

In the second dream, I was in what seemed to be a high school. A lot of the dream took place in a classroom setting, where the seats were very close together so you couldn't move around a lot, and there were raised edges... king of like a sardine can without the lid.

In my dream, the people I'd been friends with when we were teenagers... were really snobby toward me and wouldn't give me the time of day. They were laughing and cutting up with their other, preferred friends. I was rejected and excluded. Thing is, I completely did not care. Not a fake bravado, "Oh, I don't care anyway..." with a clump of wistful emotions punctuating that sentence. I really, truly, did not care; saw their behavior as childish and ridiculous. It was like I was reliving an adolescent situation but with my adult mind. Too cool. *grin*

From my favorite dream-explaining site, , I found this: "To see your childhood friend in your dream signifies (that) you may be wanting to escape the pressures and stresses of adulthood." Aha, this is quite relevant to the dream referenced above! Pretty cool. :)

The site's text continues... "To see friends from your past in your dream points to your desire to reconnect with a part of yourself that you have lost touch with." Maybe I need to detach from present stresses and worries and reconnect with the freedoms experienced in adolescence.

To put God into this, those freedoms could include... knowing that I was being taken care of and provided for, without worrying one bit or giving it a second thought. Relaxing and not worrying about the future. Letting my parents take care of that and just living life. Wow. Epiphany.

Time to let go... and let my Father take care of me.

Thank You, Lord, for speaking to me in my dreams. Please help me to let go and to relax, trusting You. I can't do life on my own. I can't handle it or produce money upon demand to pay stuff off... but You will provide all my needs according to Your riches and glory in Christ Jesus. Thank You so much. I love You. :)

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Off My Chest, I'm Struggling to Breathe...

So I need to get this off my chest. It's eating me up.

YES I am in a wonderful, happy relationship with a woman I truly love and am grateful for. But sometimes, old hurts... can still crop up.

When I was single...

My little heart stuck itself out there and was left essentially flagging in the cold wind... a few times. I met these really cool, very attractive, amazingly interesting women. (Not at the same time; one and then the other, later on.) And they liked me too. And there were different degrees of... physical involvement... but they had told me from the start, they were not interested in relationships, etc etc, and so the involvement stuff ended... and the feelings part... well, that tapered off, much more slowly. Okay it HURT. It hurt to have begun feeling attached to someone, to have experienced affection with them, then to be reminded they did not feel as deeply toward me as I was beginning to feel toward them. It kind of felt like having my face scraped against rough cement, actually. But I tried not to let on, to be tough on the outside while I tried to cope on the inside... it was a disaster, let's just be plain here. I never want to go through that again.

I have maintained different degrees of friendship, on individually fluctuating levels, with both of these women. They are both wonderful people and I care for them.

Now. Moving forward, in recent retrospective moments, I have considered what a relationship would have or might have been like with each of these women. I have taken those thoughts and compared them to the relationship I AM in, now. NO comparison; those never would have been what I have now. My Lena and I have SO much more in common, share opinions on so many more things, share values more tightly than I did with either of the other two, enjoy each other's company and have so much SILLY FUN together!!... I could go on and on, but there is no comparison worth making and I sincerely feel that what I have now is, by far, the best I could ask for.

Did I mention that the two previously-referenced women were friends? Not BFF's, but friends, from back when they were each in previous relationships.

And here's the dynamite... I am pretty sure THEY ARE SLEEPING TOGETHER NOWADAYS.


Right. And I shouldn't care... but I do. At first I felt angry and somewhat betrayed... but, upon closer examination of my feelings, I believe the emotion can best be described as... hurt.

Because I REALLY liked the first one, a LOT... but she didn't want to be with me. Then I REALLY liked the second one, a LOT... but she didn't want to be with me either. And now they want to be TOGETHER??? Not in a relationship, mind you... they are "friends with benefits." One of them keeps trying to get me to guess who her new "FWB" is. But I know. We don't know that many of the same people. And I've been hearing the steps leading up to this, from each of them separately. I'm not stupid. It just pisses me off that it's like she's dangling it in my face. I don't even know what to say. I haven't told her I know; that I figured it out; that I'm not stupid. I don't want to play this game.

And I AM happy... but maybe just a little... jealous?? That I wasn't good enough for either of them, but they want each other?? I mean damn it all.

Well anyway... this will resolve itself in one way or another. I would actually feel better if they ended up in a committed relationship, than to know they're just fooling around. Wow, I can just see an "Alice's List" forming in my head... only, the name in the center would not be "Shane."

Just had to get that off my chest.

And I feel better now. *grin*

Monday, August 27, 2012

Waiting on Isaac

At Starbucks with Lena. Just chillin. Also taking advantage of some free time to relax before, potentially, the storm gets here and, potentially, electricity goes the way of the wind, taking with it much of what I value as attributes of comfort in day-to-day life. Like, oh, air-conditioning. haha

Kind of funny... like how annoying it is to me when someone is called an "alleged" criminal. Whoever... was SEEN shooting whoever else... tons of people SAW it, etc etc, yet, until the aforementioned Whoever is convicted in a court of law, Whoever is referred to as the "alleged" shooter or the "alleged" murderer or what have you. It's all BS in my opinion.

Anyway, so we are waiting on Isaac, the ALLEGED tropical storm - slash - potential hurricane... to make landfall and shred away at the toes of the State of Louisiana. Then allegedly, potentially continue on its North/Northwest predicted path... and come blow things around up here in Baton Rouge. Well, that's after Isaac deals with New Orleans... and may God have mercy on that city. They don't need another soak.

Today, at the end of my workday, I was way out near what, for some reason, they call the "Bone Yard" in the North 40 of the plant where I work... filling sandbags. About 1/3 of the bags we began filling revealed themselves to be torn, or split down the sides, probably from sitting unused in the warehouse for who knows how long. So we covered about 2 wooden pallets with filled sandbags, and my guess is we'll be out there again tomorrow doing the same thing. Isaac is expected to arrive tomorrow evening.

Allegedly... LOL

So, when Lena and I leave here, we are going to my house to gather my baby boys... my sweet kitty cat loves of my life, Hippie and Leroy. We are all bunking at Lena's for the duration of the storm. Luna is already there. We have plenty of water, canned goods, non-perishables of various varieties, and enough toilet paper to wipe both our behinds completely off, should the notion strike us. Additionally, I am stocked up on art supplies and crossword puzzles, and a book I'm reading... my pastime passions of late. I hope Lena has things to do. I can entertain myself endlessly in my own little world of imagination, creativity and construction... but I don't want to wall her out. Hopefully, we can each do... whatever... simultaneously. And for those in-between times, we have purchased two decks of playing cards. We should be fine

I also want to go out walking with Luna after the brunt of the storm has passed. Make it kind of a tradition; she and I took a long photo walk together after Gustav in 2008. Cool thing about Lena is, she'll probably want to walk too. And take pictures too. UNLIKE my paramour during Gustav... who rathered to spend her time at the house. I'm not criticizing... just really liking the extent to which Lena and I share so many interests. Awesome to have that in a relationship. :)

Okay, time is passing... gotta hit the road and go get my boys and a few odds and ends I've been writing in a list while typing this blog.

All this Isaac stuff will turn out fine. Hopefully there's not too much disaster... maybe just a good day off work. That'd be fine by me. :) :)

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Saturday Without Control

I am at a Starbucks, trying to set up a budget spreadsheet and get my finances organized.

I'm a little irritated but I think that's because I forgot to take my medicine this morning. I will take it when I go back to Lena's house, though I hate to be around her feeling like this. She will understand, though, that I just need a minute. I worry too much.

I'm wrestling with whether to close my checking account. When Hancock Bank was bought out by Whitney, WHITNEY started charging me $7 a month for the account, whereas Hancock charged me nothing, ever. So I got a prepaid debit card that is free with my direct deposit and charges $3 a month as a maintenance fee IF I deposit (not maintain; just deposit) less than $1000 a month. Which, with God's blessing, I am paid more than $1000 a month so there would be no charge. Just, if I ever needed to cash a paper check, it would be a hassle without a private checking account. Right now my balance is $0.00 with nothing pending. Maybe I should just close it. Maybe I should close it before they decide to close it for me. But I have awful credit, so opening another account in the future might be hard for me or impossible. I don't know. I just don't know.

I do know I need to pay my tithe for God's blessing. But lately I hate my church so I don't want to pay them a dime. I wonder if God counts as tithing when you use your 10% to support the Kingdom in some other way. Like things Jesus would do, like being kind to the poor or supporting a battered women's ministry. Gotta pray about that.

It rained like crazy last night. Guess who forgot to close their sunroof. Yep, real nice. Real nice. LOL

Tomorrow is my brother Matthew's birthday. I need to do something nice for him. He has expressed feeling overlooked since my little nephew was born on 8/8/2005. Their birthdays are 4 days apart so Matt's kinda gotten lost in the childhood birthday party mayhem since then. I love my Matthew. Gonna get him a gift if I can think of what he might like. He's into... guns and... well, guns... that's all I really know. He loves guns and Ron Paul. Hmmmm. hehehe...

All I really know is, God is in control. He really has no competition. A bunch of people got laid off where I work Friday. The survivors clustered in groups around the plant and spoke quietly of the casualties, like little support groups after a tragedy. It made me realize how fleeting are things we can label "security." But there's no sense in worrying about it... that won't change anything.

Okay. Back to the budget, and doing the best I can with what I have now. That's all I can do. I have no control over anything else.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Quieting Me With His Love

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

I love this verse. I found it on a webpage I found after Googling "Bible verses about hope."

This describes God's love so, so well! I want to meditate on this verse, to soak it into my soul.

My favorite part is, "He will quiet you by his love." That speaks volumes to me. To feel such strength in love that nothing worries you; nothing upsets you. To feel so loved and so safe that nothing else is even of consequence. That is GOOD love. The kind of love that makes you feel warm and safe and secure.

Love worth hanging onto. My girl gives me this kind of love. We can sit together in total silence and just feel peace. God's love to me through a person, I believe. God is so good, and so true.

Some are LIKE Him, but He is the only One who IS. Forever and ever.

Saturday, March 3, 2012


This weekend is my girl's birthday. I have a little surprise planned for her. Nothing pricey or extravagant... but a surprise. She likes surprises. And in my occasional surprises, and in some of our spontaneous explorations, we have cast some very remarkable memories.

Like the time we went for a walk and ended up in the Baton Rouge Gallery looking at pieces of artwork and sharing our views on each.

Like the night I sneaked us into a closed arboretum and we sat in the moonlight by a still and glassy pond... it was shivery cold... but exhilarating!

Like the Sunday afternoon I took her down 3rd Street and we had dinner at Lucy's.

Like the day referenced in my previous post when we were in the Shaw Center looking at art... I love that she appreciates art...

Like last Saturday... we walked from my house to Stanford Beach (It was a long walk, but we both enjoyed it! Did I mention I LOVE that she loves walking...) then walked barefoot in the sand, the length of the tiny beach and back, to symbolize the beach trip we're hoping to take in May. I am always asking her to tell me a story... she grew up in an enormous family - one of 8 children - and has had her own adventures as an adult, so she always a story within easy reach. I love that. After the sand experience, we laid on the grass and I read her a poem I found online. After that, we took the Love Language quiz. We have the same main love language! I love that, too. :)

Like last night, when we met some awesome friends at Hound Dogs for pool and laughing, then walked around in the crisp nighttime downtown. I took her to the 6th floor balcony outside Tsunami, on the top of the Shaw Center... it was cold but, again, exhilarating... we walked to a far corner of the rooftop and looked out over the Mississippi River bridge. We kissed. It was magical. On the corner of this rooftop balcony, we re-enacted the scene from "Titanic" where they're up at the bow of the ship, arms outstretched... and we laughed as we cried loudly, "I'm the king of the world!!"

I love her. She is wonderful and caring and mysterious and sexy and enchanting and I... am a goner. :)

Monday, February 20, 2012


So, over the past few weeks my girl and I have been getting to know each other a lot better and have been growing closer and closer.

We laugh together when we discover yet another thing we have in common. Things that seemed like such huge differences now seem like opportunities to learn about each other and chances to try things in new ways.

She's so beautiful and such a strong woman... and she's humble... very independent and self-sufficient but not arrogant at all about it.

So yesterday after church... she told me a mutual friend had asked her if we were "together." She told me she thought a minute and told her yes... and she asked me if I was ok with her saying that without asking me first.

I said, "I am SO okay with that and I love it." We were in the Shaw center up the stairway looking at art... such a magical moment... and we hugged, and I said in her ear, "So are we... together, then?" She said, "I would like that." And I said, "So would I..." AHHHHHHH what a breathtaking moment!!!!!!!!

We took it so slow... I think that was key... neither of us rushed the other. Just kept checking the temp every here and there... do you know she PRAYS IN THE SPIRIT!!!!! She loves God SOOOO much!! That is so exciting and amazing and wonderful!!!

She really makes me so happy. We pray together sometimes... it's like out of a story or something... not to over- glamourize it... but the newness is still fresh and I want to still just take it one day at a time and keep our steady pace. This is working very well for us. She's a beautiful person inside and out. We can say anything to each other, or we can sit together and not have to talk at all.

We have shared very personal things about our lives - things that are scary to share... and every time, the one speaking was held tight by the other. The deeper the story got, the scarier the telling became, the stronger and safer was the holding. So comforting, so secure. We are culturing a very delicate and strong trust between us. That is amazing and beautiful.

I shared some of this with a friend today. She said, “I am so glad you are finding this love! You deserve it!”

I replied to this friend, “I don't know about all that... but I feel like SHE sure does, and I want to do my very best by her.” I do. I value this woman, her company, her person, her worth in God’s eyes… I never want to hurt her, overlook her, or damage the trust we are building.

We spent together yesterday afternoon into the evening. Long walk, a movie, kisses, the acoustic guitar came out, I sang a few songs, she played a little bit, more sharing, plenty more kisses, and of course a good dose of silly… I love her. I love that we have FUN together! And I love that we can both completely be ourselves with each other, with no fear of rejection or hurt.

I love that I feel safe with her. I hope she feels the same with me.

Thank You, God, for putting this amazing woman in my life. I am blown away, and that is amazing in itself. :)

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


I wonder if I decided, firmly and resolutely, to quit my job... if I would get a promotion.

Because I decided, firmly and resolutely, to quit looking for someone to date... and merely days later, I find a quite remarkable woman making her way deeper into my life.

I mentioned her in my last blog... the one who I wasn't sure about my feelings for...

Something happened over that weekend! She was out of town and perhaps absence made my heart grow fonder?? Who the heck knows. But I have had a marvelous life in light of her these past few weeks.

We started off both admitting we were hesitant to get into a serious relationship. We agreed to take it slow; not call it anything right away. We agreed to just take it one day at a time. As these days have passed, every one has been very good. Days keep getting better and I'm so glad to finally be involved to this extent with someone who isn't constantly reminding me, "Don't get attached!" and "Keep your mind right!" Instead, she returns my affection, fully backed with the emotions one would expect to be present in such a form of relationship.

Trying to stay grounded... not get my hopes up too much... but enjoying each day that passes, each "one more very good day" we add to our stack.

I am so happy around her. We have very vast differences in our lives- childhoods, families, heritages, educational experiences, first languages- and I've wondered if that would pose too great a problem. So far, it hasn't - so far, I find her differences fascinating. I love talking to her, asking and answering questions, sharing stories. We often find we are thinking the exact same thing, and our passion is beyond intense.

I have loved the two mornings I've woken up beside her. She is art, music, crystal, diamonds, linen and all things fine. She is my breath of fresh air on a crisp morning. She is my warm hug at the end of the day.

I think she might be my "wow." :)

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Giving Up On Dating

That's right, I said it. I think I'm giving up on the dating scene for awhile. Kind of worn out, kind of just listening to my heart.

Coming to terms with myself.

Learning that it's okay to just want to be single.

I am tired of dating websites, tired of getting my hopes up and being let down, tired of feeling crazy for people who end up just wanting to be friends.

Though I am currently doing as much to someone else... a friend... who I find physically attractive but have confused feelings for. She acts like she has feelings for me. I need to have a conversation about that with her sooner rather than later. I don't know how I feel about this or how I'm going to handle it.

I just don't have that WOW feeling about anyone right now. I'm tired, also, of searching for it. I don't want to "settle" for a relationship I really don't want. It will eventually end, and I will have wasted years of both our lives.

So I think I'm just going to live for awhile. Take care of my pets, pay my bills, pay attention to God... I'm really not lonely. Maybe a little depressed. I need new things in my life, for sure...I need new happiness. Life is feeling a little pointless lately. I find purpose in caring for animals. Not much else lately.

I even have a few friends I could do without. But a friendship can be backed away from much easier than the pretense of a romantic relationship. Explanations are not required. Nothing formal needs to be done... I can just fade away. I know that the company I choose is just that -mine to choose.

I get scared that I'm turning into my mom and her mom before her. At some point they just kind of curled into themselves and locked the door, so to speak. I don't want to become that.

Neither, though, do I want to do anything irrational to avoid becoming that. To do so would be ridiculous.

Sittin here outside Coursey CC's on this cloudy day. Nice breeze blowing, beautiful scenery to look at, and Luna by my side. Today is good.

I do intend to stay OPEN to dating. If I get hit with a "WOW" tomorrow and sense potential in it, that's great! I just don't plan on spending time and energy DIGGING for that feeling in vain.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Fire and Rain

Yesterday, after work, I picked up a friend on my way home. We had plans. She and I are both really into amateur photography. On my drive home from work a few days before, I spotted an amazing photographic opportunity. I told my friend about it. She was totally in, and so we set out.
Well, first we went to my house where I let Luna out for a minute and then changed out of my work clothes. After a few minutes, the three of us (my friend, my dog and myself) set out walking to our intended destination.
It was a burned house. It was a BIG burned house. One that, apparently, I had passed dozens of time before but that had never caught my eye in its "normal" state.
I know the loss of this house- someone's home- had to be traumatic and horrible for whoever lived there. I believe, however, there is an abstract beauty in tragedy... so we captured it on film... oops, I mean on digital memory cards, ha... and here is some of what we came away with:

My friend spotted this one - see the "person" in the window? Ooooohhhhhh... haha... creepy!
And the face of the house...
Moving in closer...
The ceiling:
Just so all gone... just... gone.
Once the front door. I wonder who the last person was to pass through that door, and under what circumstances....
There is beauty in mystery, beauty in the unknown, beauty in the seemingly imcomplete... and while this story is incomplete to me, the biography of this house is absolutely over and finished.

Rain had fallen all day. When we first got to my house, the sky was sunny and mildly bright. When we started out on our walk, clouds had once again begun to gather. As we were finishing up, the rain returned.
One light-hearted picture of a nearby building, taken when the rain was still a light sprinkling... we laughed about how awesome it would be to go in there and get Cokes for 5 cents apiece! :)

We began our trek homeward. The rain increased. And more... and then more... and then we were taking a leisurely walk through a heavy downpour!! We got SO wet! But we had fun too.
Got to my house, fumbled to unlock the door, and I sent my friend straight to the shower. When she got out, I jumped in... jumped back out and got Luna... the two of us jumped back in and got clean. Poor baby was already wet...might as well have her come out of it smelling better. :)
PJ's, socks, wiping wet floors, drying the wet dog, wiping the floors again, opening a bottle of something-or-other Savignon, and collapsing on the couch to watch some non-thought-requiring TV. All in all, a great afternoon and a great adventure.

Friday, January 27, 2012

I Have Just Eaten Skittles

...which are, in acutality, little various brightly-colored wads of sugar. Nice. But they were a gift from my pal Jorge. Nice guy. Anyway.

I'm kinda excited because I have some new friends coming over tonight! Yeah... like a kid in school, "I made a new friend today!!" They are a couple. I work with one of them; met them together in the dog park near my house. Been hoping to meet some lesbians at dog park... I mean, it's kind of inevitable... though they do seem to always come in pairs. Oh well. This is a start; new friends - and a friend at work, which is very cool. Someone to see and say hi to, etc etc... :)

Glad it is Friday. It has been a long week and I will enjoy a few days' reprieve. I also have a few things I want to make/do/work on... we'll see if that materializes or not. I might just wanna chill. B)

Things I want to work on:

-Some version of curtains for my kitchen... they will be totally unique and original and mostly pieced together from fabric scraps I have gained over the years from both my grandmothers. Make the place look nice and homey, and keep people from being able to see in from outside. That bothered my mother a lot; that people can look in through the gaps between my blinds and see that there is a me in my house. I kind of get what she means; it's not the worst area but far from the best area. So, curtains.

-More pages in my journal aka my altered book, I believe is what they call them these days. You take a real, printed book and paint/decorate/draw/paste things upon the pages. Make it your own. Really cool idea. Here are some examples of other people's work I found on :

-And finally, I have a painting in my head. It's an image that lodged itself there (in my head) when I was reading a book not too long ago. A girl in the book has been through traumatic A-Z and often has a creepy sense that people are watching her. I want to paint a picture of a nervous-looking young woman with eyes pasted all over her, like the goosebumps she would feel while sensing she was being watched. I'm a little intimidated of this painting, though, that it won't come out to look like what I intend it to look like. Anyway, I'm gonna give it a try. The book was amazing, for anyone interested... it was called "Love Me to Death" by Allison Brennan. Here:


One hour to go and my weekend begins. And friends tonight!! Friends with DOGS too, so Luna gets to have friends over too!!! Very happy me. :)

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Where Do I Go From Here...

At times in my life, I have come to a point where I had to make a decision. Not too long ago, I decided I was going to speak my mind and not care if someone "might get mad." And I have a lot more self-confidence after asserting myself that way several times now... but I still don't like having people mad at me.

HOWEVER!! I am SO "over" worrying about that kind of thing. Sick to death of doing potential preventive maintenance against anyone's possible reactions. I am neither a troublemakes nor a shit stirrer. I just stand up for myself when something rubs me wrong or pisses me off. Before, I would hold it in and the only person who was aware of that struggle would be ME. Done with that. You piss me off, you're gonna hear about it. I will try to be respectful as possible, but if you overreact and insist on staging some emoto-explosion... that is not my problem and I am not apologizing.

Money sucks. Money has a rope around my neck and is trying to drag me around with no mercy. I, on the other hand, am grappling and fighting and clawing with all I've got to maintain my ground. I hate money, the whole concept of it. Money connotes power and authority and "rights" - and FUCK that. I never want to borrow another cent as long as I live. Much of my life's stresses now come from indebtedness. I am struggling to keep my nose above water with just day-to-day expenses... a home, a vehicle, food, gas to get to and from work... and from seemingly every direction, every debt I have ever accrued is being pronounced DUE all at the same time. Great. I'll make it. God takes care of me.

I tell ya though, I could not live much cheaper than I do. I am renting the most affordable place I could find in a ghetto-esque area as acceptable to my family and my self-preservation instincts as I could find.

I drive a used vehicle, pay a relatively low monthly note and am 1 year into a 3-year payment plan... thought it needs work if it's going to live that long.

I am minimalist on my usage of utilities at home.

I find more of my food than I buy... not something I'm proud to announce, but that's what's up. Stores throw out perfectly good food. I collect it when I find it. Que serah serah and don't you dare criticize me.

I hate criticism. I hate being told what to do by people who have no business telling me what to do. One person's strong opinion does not translate into their having a right to legislate that to me.

Wowwwwwwwww this beautiful girl has just seated herself near me and it is very hard not to stare at her. No outward signs of "lesbian" anywhere on her... but she has long, wavy black hair and some of the the most jump-out-and-grab-you bright blue eyes I have ever seen. Check my history... I am a sucker for dark hair and blue eyes. And the two of you, if you read this, know who you are. :)

But I digress.

My plan is to pay OFF debt, first to people I know and then to companies and school loans... so nobody has a handle to grab on me, figuratively speaking. OR a rope to slip, much less tighten, around my neck. Forget that.

Then I will do whatever I WANT, whenever and wherever, period.

I will say this... I have had two amazing friends in particular who have helped me out financially, out of the goodness of their own hearts. Would not even tolerate discussion of repayment. May God multiply those blessings back to them 100-fold and may God also put me in a place where I can so freely and generously give to others. Paying it forward would be an amazing honor.

If my car will just hang in there, and I can pay it off, and still be able to drive it, I would have life without a car note and that would help me TONS. Guess I should take action on that check engine light... just bite the bullet on that one in the name of preventive maintenance.

And so, I finish this blog entry where I started it. Damn. Heh...

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Psalm 35, as real today as when it was written

Hello there. Just read through this Psalm and wanted to share what I got out of it. So I will not be referencing the entire chapter, but part of it that stood out pointedly to me. This is the New Living Translation.

Psalm 35 A psalm of David.

7 I did them no wrong, but they laid a trap for me. I did them no wrong, but they dug a pit to catch me.

How many times have I felt that way?! And how many times have I longed for this next verse to happen:

8 So let sudden ruin come upon them! Let them be caught in the trap they set for me! Let them be destroyed in the pit they dug for me.

Much like I learned in Isaish 33 (?) this week... God will turn our enemies away from us and they will return using the same path by which they came.

10 With every bone in my body I will praise him: “LORD, who can compare with you? Who else rescues the helpless from the strong? Who else protects the helpless and poor from those who rob them?”

After reading this verse, I wrote in my journal, "WHY is that? So consistent in this world though it makes no sense. Yet the poor and needy are continually the ones who get robbed. **YET there is God's protection!"

11 Malicious witnesses testify against me. They accuse me of crimes I know nothing about.

I relate far too closely to this verse... from situation after situation in past bad relationships, usually involving drunkenness, sometimes mental illness, on behalf of these past partners. I have learned, though, through those situations, and strongly believe that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

13 Yet when they were ill, I grieved for them. I denied myself by fasting for them, but my prayers returned unanswered. 14 I was sad, as though they were my friends or family, as if I were grieving for my own mother. 15 But they are glad now that I am in trouble; they gleefully join together against me. I am attacked by people I don’t even know; they slander me constantly. 16 They mock me and call me names; they snarl at me.

This, to me, sounds on the brink of codependency... but it a very human and very real set of emotions. You bend over backward, sacrificially, to help someone, and they lash out at you just when you were thinking they would be thankful.

19 Don’t let my treacherous enemies rejoice over my defeat. Don’t let those who hate me without cause gloat over my sorrow. 20 They don’t talk of peace; they plot against innocent people who mind their own business. 21 They shout, “Aha! Aha! With our own eyes we saw him do it!”

SO unfair! And what, realistically, can you do in the face of that without getting down on the level of the ones coming against you? It's a very frustrating situation.

22 O LORD, you know all about this. Do not stay silent. Do not abandon me now, O Lord.

God DOES know the truth of our situations, and He WILL bring justice! Another thing is, my presupposition of what justice should or might entail is seldom what actually ends up taking place. But I'm always so glad... because God's ways are so much better! And He is infinitely smarter than me. :)

26 May those who rejoice at my troubles be humiliated and disgraced. May those who triumph over me be covered with shame and dishonor.

True, true... but THIS is the best part, this next part:

27 But give great joy to those who came to my defense."

I love my friends who help me through things, who know the whole situation and are completely on my side. I love when they are blessed for filling that role in my life. It's a role we all need filled! I am continually - and increasingly - grateful for my ever-amazing friends.

28 Then I will proclaim your justice, and I will praise you all day long.

YES INDEED. :) :) :)

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Go Away, Dr. Seuss

Can I tell you, I had a BREAK DOWN last night? Went through my day fine though a little edgy... as I explained it to a friend, I felt like I'd been through something horrible and traumatic... I felt tired and weak and small, like you do when you're just getting over rough illness. Cold Case has always been one of my favorite shows. Last night, they showed an episode about the death of a 9-year-old boy. Tore me up inside. I was so sad about the show, then I started crying about Monday night and how traumatized I felt after my encounter with that woman!! I realized I felt like a child who is being abused and shamed into silence. "Don't tell her; she'll hate you; she'll never forgive you..." etc etc. It reminded me sharply of that horrid abusive relationship in my past. All the same scared, ashamed feelings came flooding back and I couldn't handle it. My good friend Antoinette came to mind. I ended up calling her. She let me get it all out, between shaky tears and restrained sobs. We talked a little while, and she prayed for me. Talk about an A+ #1 friend. After we hung up, I prayed some more and, after a winding search through the Bible for things that might apply to my situation, I ended up in Isaiah... 33? About God's protection from attack. Reading that passage was like being wrapped up in a big hug. All that safety and security I talked about in my last post, that I had felt from my ex? All of that, and more. Gotta get going... so much more I could say but I did want to note that I am doing a lot better. I might elaborate when I have more time.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

I Do Not Like Her, Sam I Am... I Do Not Like Green Eggs and Ham

I am sleepy this morning. So very sleepy, I could easily plant my face in my styrofoam cup of Dr. Pepper and ice. Not cool.

I experienced a very awful encounter last night. I have been perusing a free dating site off and on for months now. Recently, I read a profile that struck me as that of someone who might be really cool to get to know, possibly more... so I wrote her back. Soon we began texting a lot, and really hitting it off well. We exchanged first names. I looked at the spelling of her name and my mind began to turn... because I also knew the area in which she lived.

My most recent ex dated someone with that same, peculiarly-spelled name who lived in the same area.

I had to ask.

It was her. Whoa. But, I decided, why not get to know this chick for myself... she might be cool, who knows.

So we agreed to set aside our common ex and continued texting, getting to know one another. I was starting to like her; she seemed really cool and interesting. Then when she told me a description of what she looked like... her height and weight, and the color of her hair... I'll admit I felt pretty weak in the knees.

Last night was the College Football Championship Game between LSU and our strongest rival, Alabama. This chick and I made plans to meet at my certain favorite bar to hang out and watch the game. We even planned to meet awhile before the game actually started. I was thinking we'd spend some exciting time talking, flirting, all that good stuff you do when you first meet someone you're really attracted to.

DID NOT happen. OH my good gracious. I knew she was a few years older than me, but what walked in really looked like an old lady! Actually she reminded me of my aunt, the one I don't really like. She might have told me an accurate weight and height, but did not mention her encroaching... OLD-ness... nothing against the old, but I am attracted to people who are younger and LOOK younger. Slouchy shoulders, flat saggy butt, old-lady haircut, old-lady freakin EARRINGS... and horrible, horrible teeth. I was shocked my ex would have been attracted at one point to someone with such horrible teeth; she's in dentistry and a stickler for good teeth.

I'm not trying to be mean and critical; just being honest about my observations and initial reactions. I could have gotten to know her and maybe liked her; I've put physical appearance aside before and ended up falling in love with people's INSIDE person. Or we could have maybe been friends.

This woman smoked, too... and not just any cigarette - she smoked MARLBORO REDS. One of the stinkiest cigarettes around. When we were first talking, she told me she was in the process of quitting. Last night it was, "I'm still gonna quit... I just have some things going on right now but when that is over, I will quit for sure." I've fallen for that before. I'm not stupid enough to fall for it twice. LIAR. You're either smoking, or you're quitting. Intending to quit holds no weight with me.

But her personality and her damn MOUTH were what definitively slammed that door in her face quick, fast and in a hurry.

She went ON and ON and ON about how she and my/her ex would NEVER piece together any resemblance of a friendship... harped on how the ex was the most wonderful person in the world when she wasn't drinking, ran that deep in the ground. I got the impression she did that because she knew I understood that to be a solid truth. It's like she was bringing up every hurt I felt with my ex and grinding my face in it.

The worse part was the 20,000 comments on how I better NEVER tell the ex that this chick and I had met, much less hung out. That this ex would KILL me and HATE me and NEVER forgive me. Saying that once might have floated on past, but she kept bringing it up over and over and over.

This woman also proceeded to ridicule me and call me names. "You're so shrimpy!" - because I am small - and "You're a CANDYASS!" - because I was drinking slowly. AFTER she had ranted on my ex for being "such a drunk" - I don't drink a lot, very often. Period. I explained to her some of my reasons but should not have had to... and I could state my reasons here but they are all very common-sense and I'm not obligated to list them.

Just like with the "SHE WILL KILL YOU!!" line... she called me a candyass OVER AND OVER AND OVER... I'd had enough.

I retreated into my mind for a minute and thought of my ex. Yes, she was a verbally mean drunk. But when she was sober, she was a wonderful person. I always felt safe with her, no matter what. I felt secure and knew I was loved.

This woman made me miss my ex and want to go find her, even just to hang out for a little while, so I could feel safe again. A few tears escaped my eyes.

The woman told me I was thinking too much and proceeded to remind me I was a candyass.

Then she said, for the 2nd or 3rd time, that I looked tired. I took that as my out and exited, stage right. I cried some more, a little harder, on the drive home.

I'm done. We will not hang out again. I may or may not tell my ex I met this awful woman... but I seriously doubt she would "KILL" or "HATE" me. I think she would agree with what I had learned from experiencing this woman's horrible personality.

I don't need that. I am safe on my own.

I went home and loved on my furbabies. They are my best, most unconditional friends and I love them like little people. :)

LSU lost bad anyway. I left the bar in the first quarter but it was a shutout; I didn't miss a thing. :)