Friday, January 27, 2012

I Have Just Eaten Skittles

...which are, in acutality, little various brightly-colored wads of sugar. Nice. But they were a gift from my pal Jorge. Nice guy. Anyway.

I'm kinda excited because I have some new friends coming over tonight! Yeah... like a kid in school, "I made a new friend today!!" They are a couple. I work with one of them; met them together in the dog park near my house. Been hoping to meet some lesbians at dog park... I mean, it's kind of inevitable... though they do seem to always come in pairs. Oh well. This is a start; new friends - and a friend at work, which is very cool. Someone to see and say hi to, etc etc... :)

Glad it is Friday. It has been a long week and I will enjoy a few days' reprieve. I also have a few things I want to make/do/work on... we'll see if that materializes or not. I might just wanna chill. B)

Things I want to work on:

-Some version of curtains for my kitchen... they will be totally unique and original and mostly pieced together from fabric scraps I have gained over the years from both my grandmothers. Make the place look nice and homey, and keep people from being able to see in from outside. That bothered my mother a lot; that people can look in through the gaps between my blinds and see that there is a me in my house. I kind of get what she means; it's not the worst area but far from the best area. So, curtains.

-More pages in my journal aka my altered book, I believe is what they call them these days. You take a real, printed book and paint/decorate/draw/paste things upon the pages. Make it your own. Really cool idea. Here are some examples of other people's work I found on :

-And finally, I have a painting in my head. It's an image that lodged itself there (in my head) when I was reading a book not too long ago. A girl in the book has been through traumatic A-Z and often has a creepy sense that people are watching her. I want to paint a picture of a nervous-looking young woman with eyes pasted all over her, like the goosebumps she would feel while sensing she was being watched. I'm a little intimidated of this painting, though, that it won't come out to look like what I intend it to look like. Anyway, I'm gonna give it a try. The book was amazing, for anyone interested... it was called "Love Me to Death" by Allison Brennan. Here:


One hour to go and my weekend begins. And friends tonight!! Friends with DOGS too, so Luna gets to have friends over too!!! Very happy me. :)

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Where Do I Go From Here...

At times in my life, I have come to a point where I had to make a decision. Not too long ago, I decided I was going to speak my mind and not care if someone "might get mad." And I have a lot more self-confidence after asserting myself that way several times now... but I still don't like having people mad at me.

HOWEVER!! I am SO "over" worrying about that kind of thing. Sick to death of doing potential preventive maintenance against anyone's possible reactions. I am neither a troublemakes nor a shit stirrer. I just stand up for myself when something rubs me wrong or pisses me off. Before, I would hold it in and the only person who was aware of that struggle would be ME. Done with that. You piss me off, you're gonna hear about it. I will try to be respectful as possible, but if you overreact and insist on staging some emoto-explosion... that is not my problem and I am not apologizing.

Money sucks. Money has a rope around my neck and is trying to drag me around with no mercy. I, on the other hand, am grappling and fighting and clawing with all I've got to maintain my ground. I hate money, the whole concept of it. Money connotes power and authority and "rights" - and FUCK that. I never want to borrow another cent as long as I live. Much of my life's stresses now come from indebtedness. I am struggling to keep my nose above water with just day-to-day expenses... a home, a vehicle, food, gas to get to and from work... and from seemingly every direction, every debt I have ever accrued is being pronounced DUE all at the same time. Great. I'll make it. God takes care of me.

I tell ya though, I could not live much cheaper than I do. I am renting the most affordable place I could find in a ghetto-esque area as acceptable to my family and my self-preservation instincts as I could find.

I drive a used vehicle, pay a relatively low monthly note and am 1 year into a 3-year payment plan... thought it needs work if it's going to live that long.

I am minimalist on my usage of utilities at home.

I find more of my food than I buy... not something I'm proud to announce, but that's what's up. Stores throw out perfectly good food. I collect it when I find it. Que serah serah and don't you dare criticize me.

I hate criticism. I hate being told what to do by people who have no business telling me what to do. One person's strong opinion does not translate into their having a right to legislate that to me.

Wowwwwwwwww this beautiful girl has just seated herself near me and it is very hard not to stare at her. No outward signs of "lesbian" anywhere on her... but she has long, wavy black hair and some of the the most jump-out-and-grab-you bright blue eyes I have ever seen. Check my history... I am a sucker for dark hair and blue eyes. And the two of you, if you read this, know who you are. :)

But I digress.

My plan is to pay OFF debt, first to people I know and then to companies and school loans... so nobody has a handle to grab on me, figuratively speaking. OR a rope to slip, much less tighten, around my neck. Forget that.

Then I will do whatever I WANT, whenever and wherever, period.

I will say this... I have had two amazing friends in particular who have helped me out financially, out of the goodness of their own hearts. Would not even tolerate discussion of repayment. May God multiply those blessings back to them 100-fold and may God also put me in a place where I can so freely and generously give to others. Paying it forward would be an amazing honor.

If my car will just hang in there, and I can pay it off, and still be able to drive it, I would have life without a car note and that would help me TONS. Guess I should take action on that check engine light... just bite the bullet on that one in the name of preventive maintenance.

And so, I finish this blog entry where I started it. Damn. Heh...

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Psalm 35, as real today as when it was written

Hello there. Just read through this Psalm and wanted to share what I got out of it. So I will not be referencing the entire chapter, but part of it that stood out pointedly to me. This is the New Living Translation.

Psalm 35 A psalm of David.

7 I did them no wrong, but they laid a trap for me. I did them no wrong, but they dug a pit to catch me.

How many times have I felt that way?! And how many times have I longed for this next verse to happen:

8 So let sudden ruin come upon them! Let them be caught in the trap they set for me! Let them be destroyed in the pit they dug for me.

Much like I learned in Isaish 33 (?) this week... God will turn our enemies away from us and they will return using the same path by which they came.

10 With every bone in my body I will praise him: “LORD, who can compare with you? Who else rescues the helpless from the strong? Who else protects the helpless and poor from those who rob them?”

After reading this verse, I wrote in my journal, "WHY is that? So consistent in this world though it makes no sense. Yet the poor and needy are continually the ones who get robbed. **YET there is God's protection!"

11 Malicious witnesses testify against me. They accuse me of crimes I know nothing about.

I relate far too closely to this verse... from situation after situation in past bad relationships, usually involving drunkenness, sometimes mental illness, on behalf of these past partners. I have learned, though, through those situations, and strongly believe that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

13 Yet when they were ill, I grieved for them. I denied myself by fasting for them, but my prayers returned unanswered. 14 I was sad, as though they were my friends or family, as if I were grieving for my own mother. 15 But they are glad now that I am in trouble; they gleefully join together against me. I am attacked by people I don’t even know; they slander me constantly. 16 They mock me and call me names; they snarl at me.

This, to me, sounds on the brink of codependency... but it a very human and very real set of emotions. You bend over backward, sacrificially, to help someone, and they lash out at you just when you were thinking they would be thankful.

19 Don’t let my treacherous enemies rejoice over my defeat. Don’t let those who hate me without cause gloat over my sorrow. 20 They don’t talk of peace; they plot against innocent people who mind their own business. 21 They shout, “Aha! Aha! With our own eyes we saw him do it!”

SO unfair! And what, realistically, can you do in the face of that without getting down on the level of the ones coming against you? It's a very frustrating situation.

22 O LORD, you know all about this. Do not stay silent. Do not abandon me now, O Lord.

God DOES know the truth of our situations, and He WILL bring justice! Another thing is, my presupposition of what justice should or might entail is seldom what actually ends up taking place. But I'm always so glad... because God's ways are so much better! And He is infinitely smarter than me. :)

26 May those who rejoice at my troubles be humiliated and disgraced. May those who triumph over me be covered with shame and dishonor.

True, true... but THIS is the best part, this next part:

27 But give great joy to those who came to my defense."

I love my friends who help me through things, who know the whole situation and are completely on my side. I love when they are blessed for filling that role in my life. It's a role we all need filled! I am continually - and increasingly - grateful for my ever-amazing friends.

28 Then I will proclaim your justice, and I will praise you all day long.

YES INDEED. :) :) :)

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Go Away, Dr. Seuss

Can I tell you, I had a BREAK DOWN last night? Went through my day fine though a little edgy... as I explained it to a friend, I felt like I'd been through something horrible and traumatic... I felt tired and weak and small, like you do when you're just getting over rough illness. Cold Case has always been one of my favorite shows. Last night, they showed an episode about the death of a 9-year-old boy. Tore me up inside. I was so sad about the show, then I started crying about Monday night and how traumatized I felt after my encounter with that woman!! I realized I felt like a child who is being abused and shamed into silence. "Don't tell her; she'll hate you; she'll never forgive you..." etc etc. It reminded me sharply of that horrid abusive relationship in my past. All the same scared, ashamed feelings came flooding back and I couldn't handle it. My good friend Antoinette came to mind. I ended up calling her. She let me get it all out, between shaky tears and restrained sobs. We talked a little while, and she prayed for me. Talk about an A+ #1 friend. After we hung up, I prayed some more and, after a winding search through the Bible for things that might apply to my situation, I ended up in Isaiah... 33? About God's protection from attack. Reading that passage was like being wrapped up in a big hug. All that safety and security I talked about in my last post, that I had felt from my ex? All of that, and more. Gotta get going... so much more I could say but I did want to note that I am doing a lot better. I might elaborate when I have more time.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

I Do Not Like Her, Sam I Am... I Do Not Like Green Eggs and Ham

I am sleepy this morning. So very sleepy, I could easily plant my face in my styrofoam cup of Dr. Pepper and ice. Not cool.

I experienced a very awful encounter last night. I have been perusing a free dating site off and on for months now. Recently, I read a profile that struck me as that of someone who might be really cool to get to know, possibly more... so I wrote her back. Soon we began texting a lot, and really hitting it off well. We exchanged first names. I looked at the spelling of her name and my mind began to turn... because I also knew the area in which she lived.

My most recent ex dated someone with that same, peculiarly-spelled name who lived in the same area.

I had to ask.

It was her. Whoa. But, I decided, why not get to know this chick for myself... she might be cool, who knows.

So we agreed to set aside our common ex and continued texting, getting to know one another. I was starting to like her; she seemed really cool and interesting. Then when she told me a description of what she looked like... her height and weight, and the color of her hair... I'll admit I felt pretty weak in the knees.

Last night was the College Football Championship Game between LSU and our strongest rival, Alabama. This chick and I made plans to meet at my certain favorite bar to hang out and watch the game. We even planned to meet awhile before the game actually started. I was thinking we'd spend some exciting time talking, flirting, all that good stuff you do when you first meet someone you're really attracted to.

DID NOT happen. OH my good gracious. I knew she was a few years older than me, but what walked in really looked like an old lady! Actually she reminded me of my aunt, the one I don't really like. She might have told me an accurate weight and height, but did not mention her encroaching... OLD-ness... nothing against the old, but I am attracted to people who are younger and LOOK younger. Slouchy shoulders, flat saggy butt, old-lady haircut, old-lady freakin EARRINGS... and horrible, horrible teeth. I was shocked my ex would have been attracted at one point to someone with such horrible teeth; she's in dentistry and a stickler for good teeth.

I'm not trying to be mean and critical; just being honest about my observations and initial reactions. I could have gotten to know her and maybe liked her; I've put physical appearance aside before and ended up falling in love with people's INSIDE person. Or we could have maybe been friends.

This woman smoked, too... and not just any cigarette - she smoked MARLBORO REDS. One of the stinkiest cigarettes around. When we were first talking, she told me she was in the process of quitting. Last night it was, "I'm still gonna quit... I just have some things going on right now but when that is over, I will quit for sure." I've fallen for that before. I'm not stupid enough to fall for it twice. LIAR. You're either smoking, or you're quitting. Intending to quit holds no weight with me.

But her personality and her damn MOUTH were what definitively slammed that door in her face quick, fast and in a hurry.

She went ON and ON and ON about how she and my/her ex would NEVER piece together any resemblance of a friendship... harped on how the ex was the most wonderful person in the world when she wasn't drinking, ran that deep in the ground. I got the impression she did that because she knew I understood that to be a solid truth. It's like she was bringing up every hurt I felt with my ex and grinding my face in it.

The worse part was the 20,000 comments on how I better NEVER tell the ex that this chick and I had met, much less hung out. That this ex would KILL me and HATE me and NEVER forgive me. Saying that once might have floated on past, but she kept bringing it up over and over and over.

This woman also proceeded to ridicule me and call me names. "You're so shrimpy!" - because I am small - and "You're a CANDYASS!" - because I was drinking slowly. AFTER she had ranted on my ex for being "such a drunk" - I don't drink a lot, very often. Period. I explained to her some of my reasons but should not have had to... and I could state my reasons here but they are all very common-sense and I'm not obligated to list them.

Just like with the "SHE WILL KILL YOU!!" line... she called me a candyass OVER AND OVER AND OVER... I'd had enough.

I retreated into my mind for a minute and thought of my ex. Yes, she was a verbally mean drunk. But when she was sober, she was a wonderful person. I always felt safe with her, no matter what. I felt secure and knew I was loved.

This woman made me miss my ex and want to go find her, even just to hang out for a little while, so I could feel safe again. A few tears escaped my eyes.

The woman told me I was thinking too much and proceeded to remind me I was a candyass.

Then she said, for the 2nd or 3rd time, that I looked tired. I took that as my out and exited, stage right. I cried some more, a little harder, on the drive home.

I'm done. We will not hang out again. I may or may not tell my ex I met this awful woman... but I seriously doubt she would "KILL" or "HATE" me. I think she would agree with what I had learned from experiencing this woman's horrible personality.

I don't need that. I am safe on my own.

I went home and loved on my furbabies. They are my best, most unconditional friends and I love them like little people. :)

LSU lost bad anyway. I left the bar in the first quarter but it was a shutout; I didn't miss a thing. :)