Monday, February 20, 2012


So, over the past few weeks my girl and I have been getting to know each other a lot better and have been growing closer and closer.

We laugh together when we discover yet another thing we have in common. Things that seemed like such huge differences now seem like opportunities to learn about each other and chances to try things in new ways.

She's so beautiful and such a strong woman... and she's humble... very independent and self-sufficient but not arrogant at all about it.

So yesterday after church... she told me a mutual friend had asked her if we were "together." She told me she thought a minute and told her yes... and she asked me if I was ok with her saying that without asking me first.

I said, "I am SO okay with that and I love it." We were in the Shaw center up the stairway looking at art... such a magical moment... and we hugged, and I said in her ear, "So are we... together, then?" She said, "I would like that." And I said, "So would I..." AHHHHHHH what a breathtaking moment!!!!!!!!

We took it so slow... I think that was key... neither of us rushed the other. Just kept checking the temp every here and there... do you know she PRAYS IN THE SPIRIT!!!!! She loves God SOOOO much!! That is so exciting and amazing and wonderful!!!

She really makes me so happy. We pray together sometimes... it's like out of a story or something... not to over- glamourize it... but the newness is still fresh and I want to still just take it one day at a time and keep our steady pace. This is working very well for us. She's a beautiful person inside and out. We can say anything to each other, or we can sit together and not have to talk at all.

We have shared very personal things about our lives - things that are scary to share... and every time, the one speaking was held tight by the other. The deeper the story got, the scarier the telling became, the stronger and safer was the holding. So comforting, so secure. We are culturing a very delicate and strong trust between us. That is amazing and beautiful.

I shared some of this with a friend today. She said, “I am so glad you are finding this love! You deserve it!”

I replied to this friend, “I don't know about all that... but I feel like SHE sure does, and I want to do my very best by her.” I do. I value this woman, her company, her person, her worth in God’s eyes… I never want to hurt her, overlook her, or damage the trust we are building.

We spent together yesterday afternoon into the evening. Long walk, a movie, kisses, the acoustic guitar came out, I sang a few songs, she played a little bit, more sharing, plenty more kisses, and of course a good dose of silly… I love her. I love that we have FUN together! And I love that we can both completely be ourselves with each other, with no fear of rejection or hurt.

I love that I feel safe with her. I hope she feels the same with me.

Thank You, God, for putting this amazing woman in my life. I am blown away, and that is amazing in itself. :)

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


I wonder if I decided, firmly and resolutely, to quit my job... if I would get a promotion.

Because I decided, firmly and resolutely, to quit looking for someone to date... and merely days later, I find a quite remarkable woman making her way deeper into my life.

I mentioned her in my last blog... the one who I wasn't sure about my feelings for...

Something happened over that weekend! She was out of town and perhaps absence made my heart grow fonder?? Who the heck knows. But I have had a marvelous life in light of her these past few weeks.

We started off both admitting we were hesitant to get into a serious relationship. We agreed to take it slow; not call it anything right away. We agreed to just take it one day at a time. As these days have passed, every one has been very good. Days keep getting better and I'm so glad to finally be involved to this extent with someone who isn't constantly reminding me, "Don't get attached!" and "Keep your mind right!" Instead, she returns my affection, fully backed with the emotions one would expect to be present in such a form of relationship.

Trying to stay grounded... not get my hopes up too much... but enjoying each day that passes, each "one more very good day" we add to our stack.

I am so happy around her. We have very vast differences in our lives- childhoods, families, heritages, educational experiences, first languages- and I've wondered if that would pose too great a problem. So far, it hasn't - so far, I find her differences fascinating. I love talking to her, asking and answering questions, sharing stories. We often find we are thinking the exact same thing, and our passion is beyond intense.

I have loved the two mornings I've woken up beside her. She is art, music, crystal, diamonds, linen and all things fine. She is my breath of fresh air on a crisp morning. She is my warm hug at the end of the day.

I think she might be my "wow." :)

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Giving Up On Dating

That's right, I said it. I think I'm giving up on the dating scene for awhile. Kind of worn out, kind of just listening to my heart.

Coming to terms with myself.

Learning that it's okay to just want to be single.

I am tired of dating websites, tired of getting my hopes up and being let down, tired of feeling crazy for people who end up just wanting to be friends.

Though I am currently doing as much to someone else... a friend... who I find physically attractive but have confused feelings for. She acts like she has feelings for me. I need to have a conversation about that with her sooner rather than later. I don't know how I feel about this or how I'm going to handle it.

I just don't have that WOW feeling about anyone right now. I'm tired, also, of searching for it. I don't want to "settle" for a relationship I really don't want. It will eventually end, and I will have wasted years of both our lives.

So I think I'm just going to live for awhile. Take care of my pets, pay my bills, pay attention to God... I'm really not lonely. Maybe a little depressed. I need new things in my life, for sure...I need new happiness. Life is feeling a little pointless lately. I find purpose in caring for animals. Not much else lately.

I even have a few friends I could do without. But a friendship can be backed away from much easier than the pretense of a romantic relationship. Explanations are not required. Nothing formal needs to be done... I can just fade away. I know that the company I choose is just that -mine to choose.

I get scared that I'm turning into my mom and her mom before her. At some point they just kind of curled into themselves and locked the door, so to speak. I don't want to become that.

Neither, though, do I want to do anything irrational to avoid becoming that. To do so would be ridiculous.

Sittin here outside Coursey CC's on this cloudy day. Nice breeze blowing, beautiful scenery to look at, and Luna by my side. Today is good.

I do intend to stay OPEN to dating. If I get hit with a "WOW" tomorrow and sense potential in it, that's great! I just don't plan on spending time and energy DIGGING for that feeling in vain.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Fire and Rain

Yesterday, after work, I picked up a friend on my way home. We had plans. She and I are both really into amateur photography. On my drive home from work a few days before, I spotted an amazing photographic opportunity. I told my friend about it. She was totally in, and so we set out.
Well, first we went to my house where I let Luna out for a minute and then changed out of my work clothes. After a few minutes, the three of us (my friend, my dog and myself) set out walking to our intended destination.
It was a burned house. It was a BIG burned house. One that, apparently, I had passed dozens of time before but that had never caught my eye in its "normal" state.
I know the loss of this house- someone's home- had to be traumatic and horrible for whoever lived there. I believe, however, there is an abstract beauty in tragedy... so we captured it on film... oops, I mean on digital memory cards, ha... and here is some of what we came away with:

My friend spotted this one - see the "person" in the window? Ooooohhhhhh... haha... creepy!
And the face of the house...
Moving in closer...
The ceiling:
Just so all gone... just... gone.
Once the front door. I wonder who the last person was to pass through that door, and under what circumstances....
There is beauty in mystery, beauty in the unknown, beauty in the seemingly imcomplete... and while this story is incomplete to me, the biography of this house is absolutely over and finished.

Rain had fallen all day. When we first got to my house, the sky was sunny and mildly bright. When we started out on our walk, clouds had once again begun to gather. As we were finishing up, the rain returned.
One light-hearted picture of a nearby building, taken when the rain was still a light sprinkling... we laughed about how awesome it would be to go in there and get Cokes for 5 cents apiece! :)

We began our trek homeward. The rain increased. And more... and then more... and then we were taking a leisurely walk through a heavy downpour!! We got SO wet! But we had fun too.
Got to my house, fumbled to unlock the door, and I sent my friend straight to the shower. When she got out, I jumped in... jumped back out and got Luna... the two of us jumped back in and got clean. Poor baby was already wet...might as well have her come out of it smelling better. :)
PJ's, socks, wiping wet floors, drying the wet dog, wiping the floors again, opening a bottle of something-or-other Savignon, and collapsing on the couch to watch some non-thought-requiring TV. All in all, a great afternoon and a great adventure.