Listen

I'm out on a walk with Luna. Well actually I'm sitting right now, Luna and I found some friendly steps in front of a small Baptist Church near our new home.

Walking today because I was frustrated. Well, you know, because I was angry, and because I needed to get it out. It's funny; I felt the same way yesterday and got it out at Crossfit but I felt the same way again today. Edgy. Little things aggravate me more than they should. I"m sure, psychologically speaking, it has to do with the flood, with losing so much, losing my HOME, with moving and with all the lingering entanglement and frustrations therein. But this is where I am, and this was me today.

So Luna and I went for a walk and here we are.

 A little while ago, we walked around the corner of Calandro's Market and, all of a sudden, I was gently pushed by a strong, cool wind. And I felt God. 

I felt God saying, "Lsten." I felt God saying, "I am with you. Even when so many things don't make sense, so much seems unfair and the details just don't seem to line up, I am with you."

I feel God impressing me- well, not "impressing"- that's Christianese; church-speak;  and I don't want to be pretentious that way.

So, let's say, I felt in my heart that God's spirit was shining a light inside of me that told me:

 TODAY IS NOT THE END.

There are dreams in my life I have never come near reaching. There are wishes I have longed for that I have never seen. But today is not the end. 

Where I live now is not the last place I will live. What I'm wearing now, I probably won't even have a number of years from now because it will wear out. The truck I am driving will not last forever. Today is not the end.

Today is not the last day; there are many, many more days to come. And I felt God shining a light inside of me that whispered, "If you get too muddled down in the things that frustrate you today, you will not be able to see tomorrow up ahead." 

We can't see around corners but, if I get too bogged down in being frustrated and pissed off, I won't even be able to see that there is a corner coming a little farther down the road. 

I want to learn that the definition of hope is "not knowing." Not knowing, and trusting that it might be something wonderful or, if it's something tough, God will bring me through it and I will be stronger as a result. 

Well, it just started raining. Like literally it's raining. But Luna and I are up on the steps of this church. It's just a light rain now and it's windy but it strikes me that I found shelter outside the doors of God's house when the rain started to fall. 

So sweet. 

Lord, help me to hear you. Help me to listen. Help me to hush the grumbling and complaining I sometimes find myself filled with; help me to, instead, be still and listen to Your still, small voice. To be still, and know that you are God. 

You are bigger than my understanding, bigger than my doubt, you are greater than my disbelief. My life and my thoughts are such a tiny, minuscule orb in this endless, massive, vast, expansive universe. 

You understood my thoughts before I thought them. You know so much more than I do. I mean, seriously, you know SO MUCH MORE than I do. I am little, tiny me and You are great big God.

It strikes me that, even though You are always with us, we must still come to You. Help me to come to You, Lord-  and sit, and wait. And listen. Help me to absorb the essence that is Your love, the warmth that is Your truth. God I give my life to You all over again. Please, please take it from me because You can take so much better care of my life than I can on my own. 

I am Yours. And so I listen.

Help

This is a blog I started a few weeks ago and hadn't gotten back to. I was in a very hard place. I decided to go ahead and post it because it turned out to have a good ending. Most of it is me, venting. But please read all the way through, because the best part is at the end.  😊💕
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Okay this is my story. I haven't said anything since the flood because I told the story to so many people I didn't feel like telling it again. And I'm not going to tell it again, I'm just going to tell you where I am right now in my life.

I am tired. I lost my house, I lost my furniture, I lost my belongings, I lost my keepsakes. I lost quilts that my grandmother made for me by hand. I lost journals, memories, I lost photo albums- all kind of stuff.

I lost a lot, and I lost my home because it was a rental house and the guy that owns it had eight other rental houses that flooded just as badly that he had to repair so he gave us our deposit and told us to find somewhere else to live.

My brother invited me and Lena to stay with him and I am grateful for that but it's not my home; it's not a place I say, "I'm home- it this is my home, this is where I live, this is my house and these are my things. This is where my pets live, these are where my pets eat- you know, stuff like that- and I'm frustrated.

Because there's nowhere to rent or at least nowhere to rent that is what we need. We need a place that accepts pets because we have pets. End of story; we have pets- that's all there is to that, you know what I'm saying? We need a place with no carpet because cats and a dog shed a lot of fur and carpet is a miserable commodity when you have pets shedding all over it constantly.

And we need somewhere we can afford. Rent is so ridiculously expensive. I've even thought about buying a house because a mortgage note is less than rent which is crazy and stupid but whatever- I can't even buy a house because I don't have the money to make a downpayment on a house.

(It's ridiculous! you have to put down like $10,000 down payment to buy a house and then you have to pay closing costs which are about $5,000 and that's stupid; why not just finance it all and let me buy a house??)

I found one option it's called a Rural Redevelopment loan and it in most cases doesn't require a downpayment but you do have to pay closing costs unless you can finagle your way out of them. However, I'm trying to apply for this stupid retarded loan and they want tax returns which I was able to get and they want W2 for 2014 and 2015 and I don't have those because they melted too much in the flood water. I mean I guess I could come up with them somehow but seriously. Seriously. And that whole process will take so long.

I'm just as willing to rent but I want a home and I want to quit being told no. I'm so tired of being told no; no we can't take your pets- no because you had a bankruptcy over 13 years ago but because you had that one bad moment in your life no, we will not rent to you. I'm so frustrated and so angry and sad.

I've been driving home from work crying today and I don't cry very often. I have cried twice since this flood happened and all the other stuff resulted. I'm just sick I'm frustrated and angry I just want a place to live but there's nowhere really that I've been able to find yet.

----------------------------------

So I was driving around, looking for For Rent signs and speaking this into my phone. My phone stopped recording after awhile- I said a lot more. I just needed to get a lot off my chest.

Then Lena called and said we got the house we'd applied for the day before. I felt like a weathered, hollow log. Tired, spent... but grateful.

We don't have to be afraid of being honest with God. He knows our thoughts anyway, and He won't deny answers to our prayers because we're not being fake happy.

God is good. We paid our deposit that night and started moving in the next day.

ONE MORE PROOF THAT GOD DOES NOT REJECT THE LGBT. If we cherished in our hearts a lifestyle that disgusted Him, He would not answer our prayers. Selah.

Psalm 66-
16 Come and hear, all you who fear God;

let me tell you what he has done for me.

17 I cried out to him with my mouth;

his praise was on my tongue.

18 If I had cherished sin in my heart,

the Lord would not have listened;

19 but God has surely listened

and has heard my prayer.

20 Praise be to God,

who has not rejected my prayer

or withheld his love from me!