Sunday, April 24, 2011

Coffee Conversations... behind me... tee hee hee...

It's cause she drinks so many... she'll go back in the back and count sales...

The last 2 shifts I worked with her...

Exactly. She doesn't feel like doing it so she works from a list.

Bar's like my weakest thing. I like bar...

Go do it. And I hate that. Oh wait I'm sorry... it shouldn't have to be like that.

I talked to Ryan last night. Depending on how things are. Especially because I close front a lot, and I TRY to do a good job... regardless, after dinner.


Blah blah. This is boring. Shop talk between 2 disgruntled coffee shop employees. :)

Happy Easter!

I'm here at S. Sherwoood Starbucks... chillin a minute. Left for church intentionally early. Went by storage to drop off some stuff for Carrie... ha... that's kind of become our physical stuff mediator. Except she hasn't left any stuff for me there yet. But she's supposed to. Soon, anyway.

My new place is shaping up really nicely. I could use a few more shelves but otherwise it's cool. No TV service yet but I did get an antenna for my radio... which has exploded my channel selection. Went from ONE station to bazillions... even from New Orleans and Lafayette. Only I can't get 89.1, the Baton Rouge NPR station. I can get a very scratchy version of 89.9, the New Orleans NPR station. So that's cool.

I have been thinking I would like my next GF to be a little butchy. Butchy enough so guys don't flirt with her... that always ticks me off so bad... even though Carrie was awesome with that, putting them in their place immediately. I liked that. Maybe I'm a little scarred from Mandie... who would not only flirt BACK but usually end up SCREWING them... I hate that. Hate the general disrespect guys have for lesbian relationships. Like HIS unit would shine the glorious light for either or both of us and we would realize how wonderful and awesome men are. NO WAY EVER! I love women... "tank top, soft lips, smooth skin... tan thighs..." Yes Melissa you have hit the nail on the head.

So... soft butch... but visibly not attracted to men. And someone who takes me just as I am... I am NOT frilly-girly, I do not wear dresses EVER and sometimes not even makeup, depending on the day.

Sometimes I'm lonely... missing having someone at home to talk to, hug, kiss... that sort of thing... "all I want is company..." (Melissa again)... but I don't want the entanglements and complications of another relationship right now. No, no, no. But eventuallly... we'll see.

There is love for me. :) There is just not, currently, any "me" for love. That about sums it up perfectly. :) :) :)

Monday, April 18, 2011

How Do You Spell Utter Disgust...

I have been sitting here for a good 20 minutes struggling with how to word a "no appropriate words" facebook message to my horrible ex. I would write something, then regret it, then write something else, then think how I should really stay above all of her disgusting nonsense...

Anyway, I decided to leave it alone and vent here, in my own personal blog.

I am disgusted and sickened and kind of hurt... though I don't want her back, not at all... it just sucks to have it rubbed in my face, her plans to go for a vacation to Florida to visit my NO LONGER friend... I am sick ad furious and horribly disgusted and I know I keep using the same words over and over but DAMN IT WHAT ELSE DO I SAY?!?!?!!!!

Poor sweet Hippie got hurt today. I had told her I would help pay his vet bill... but I'm not paying for it if she's going to Florida. If I pay for his bill, I GET TO KEEP HIPPIE!! But I don't know how to adequately communicate that to her. No appropriate words. I am furious and I already took a shower so I can't go for a run to burn it off.

I am sick. Sick, sick. I don't know what to do. I just wish I could hit refresh and re-start my life without her in it at all.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

We Are The Ones

Melissa Etheridge's lyrics changed my life and I continue to draw solace from them today. It's funny, the things people can pull hope from. I get hope from her songs. I find peace in her music. Her album "Fearless Love" emits for me a sense of "YOU CAN DO IT" and "It will all be okay."

I need that right now.

I stopped off at this CC's on the way to church, because I am extremely early, to seek escape for a minute. It's HER. I am frustrated that my stomach still knots up when she acts difficult. I hate this. At least we are apart and over, and I don't have to go home and live in the middle of all that anymore.

I am growing increasingly gunshy... or whatever the word would be... in other words, I don't feel like trusting again, anytime soon. Another relationship, for me, is a distant concept I am not rushing to attain. I'm in a state of "LEEEEEAVE ME ALOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!!!!" and am quite contented to stay right the freak here for awhile.

Just leave me alone. Leave me alone, and let me breathe and center myself. It's going to take a good long while, so you might as well go find something else to do instead of waiting around. I will let you know when I'm ready to come out again.


Saturday, April 16, 2011

Tired But Glad

I should not be tired yet; I haven't started. But it's ok. Today is officially a no-pressure day. I am at Starbucks. My vehicle in the parking lot is full of boxes, furniture and cleaning supplies.

I'm starting to move in to my new place.

I'm so glad. The transition will be tough, but most transitions are.

My brother is helping me tomorrow with the big stuff.

Then when I get the power turned on, it's a done deal. I'm in like Flynn. haha

Me and Luna... if my friends let me take her... they're threatening to keep her. Kathy and Julia. Awesome, incredible friends that I wish I could just hug for a couple of YEARS and that might begin to express how much I appreciate and care for them.

Onward. Outta this chair and on to accomplish... whatever I end up getting done today.

I am so glad to be single, and to be able to have my own space. That might change in time, but I'm not rushing... just gonna live my life awhile and enjoy breathing air and absorbing sunshine. :)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


Today I am pissed. Today I am angry and sick of holding it in.

Last night, I cried so hard I was coughing and could not go to sleep until after 1 a.m.

No more.

I don't care. That's a lie... I do care. I don't WANT to care.

But I am taking actions in the DIRECTION of not caring. I posted on facebook that I am through being concerned about whether or not something will make someone angry. I have lived my LIFE trying my damnedest to NOT MAKE PEOPLE MAD... my dad, Angela, Mandie, Carrie... and others in-between... it is a WASTE of time and energy and I am THROUGH.

When I dated Mandie, who cheated on me OVER and OVER and OVER again, always promising not to again, yet always doing it again, I reached a conclusion. Cheating is a CHARACTER TRAIT. It is not an isolated behavioral incident. Cheaters cheat. Liars lie.

And people who get angry easily... will GET ANGRY ALL THE DAMN TIME, no matter what I do or don't do or how I try to alter my being or my tone or what the hell ever, to appease them.

No appropriate words. I'm through.

I have some very good friends in this world, and I plan to concentrate on them, and maybe on finding even more like them.

I do not need negative jerks in my life.

FREEDOM... I can see it... just trying to make it all the way there. I believe I can. :)