Saturday, October 16, 2010

Hits Home Like Ice

I am at Starbucks in DS. I recently found out a very dear friend of mine from college works here. She is from the part of my life I closed the door on, and she does not know I closed the door. I am happy with my current life, but she does not know I am different.

I looked up to her. Turns out, she looked up to me as well. I kind of feel obligated to tell her I'm not the same person, but I don't want to crash her world. Not that I'm such a big cosmic influence - I don't mean that - but when anyone blends two otherwise supposed opposites and lives in harmony that way, it can really give some people a headache.

I want to plan a time to sit down with her, when she is not in the middle of work, and talk to her. I feel most of all compelled to be honest; not so much that I need to confess per se, but that I should not let her go around carrying this image of me that is incorrect.

Arrrrrrrghlhhhhhhhhhhh...... I have lost friends over being gay. I'm not going to NOT be gay, and I'm not ashamed... it's just... of only I could neatly compartmentalize my life and not have to explain anything to anybody.

I feel like I need to do some soul searching. I'm not sure what I'll be looking for... maybe peace.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

burn

I AM ANGRY AND HATEFUL AND SICK TO DEATH OF ALL PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM SICK OF CREEPY PEOPLE AND TEENAGERS AND OF MY NEPHEW WHO WHINES AND SCREAMS THE MAJORITY OF THE TIME!!!!

I AM SICK OF PRESSURE, OF NOT HAVING ENOUGH MONEY AND OF NOT HAVING MY OWN CAR

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF LIVING WITH MY BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I ESPECIALLY HATE TEENAGERS AND THOSE SOUR OLD WOMEN WHO ALWAYS LOOK MISERABLE AND NOSY.

i am sick of me, sick of time, sick of life, sick of CIGARRETTES!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sick of drunk, sick of anger and lack of patience, sick of knowitalls, sick of people who can't spell............

SICK OF PEOPLE WHO ACT LIKE THEY'RE THE SUPERIOR SHIT!!!!

I want to go away, to just take off walking and not come back. I have been saving money for a car. What if I just took that money and didn't buy a fucking car, a financial liability, but just left with it and went as far as I could go.

fuck it I am sick of all this stress of all my effort NEVER FUCKING BEING ENOUGHto fucking please anybody I hate being PATRONIZED and I need to get away ALONE before I blow up and mess up my life