Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The I-Don’t-Fucking-Care Day

I don't fucking care today. And while that sounds like a tongue-in-cheek reference to Dr. Seuss, I just really don't fucking care.

I do not want to go to work today. But I am going. Fuck it.

I missed 4 hours yesterday because of a Dr. appt. Fuck it. I will try and make those missing hours up the rest of this week but I am not going to stress over it. I never have enough money anyway.

I love my new kitten Vladimir. Even though he peed in my bed last night. I can hear my mother's voice, embedded in my mind, saying, "You shouldn't have gotten that cat. You're taking too much on. You need to give it away. It's too much."

I will always tell Avery and Abel they CAN, no matter what it is they want to do. And instead of telling them they can't and walking off, I will HELP as much as I can to do whatever it is they dream of doing. Those are not my own sons, but they are my little BOYZZ, and I give my heart to those sweet little boogers. They will rule the world if I have anything to do with it. So there.

I personally believe that lies at the root of a lot of my tendencies to self-doubt when trying to take on new things. I've always been told I can't or that I should be super-cautious. Fuck that. That's why I have tended to give up on new jobs too easily in the past; ooh this is too much; I can't take this on; I can't do this... and stress would compound on me, and I would give up.

I don't especially love my job right now, but I am going there today to earn my 8 hours, hopefully maybe one or two extra if I can summon that out of myself... and there's no promise that this will ever turn into a permanent job, but fuck it... I've found new jobs before, all my life. Mandie said I was the queen of finding new jobs. I wish I had something FUN to do for a job. Like if I could work in a coffee shop all the time. Might get hectic sometimes, but it would be people in and out all day; no computer screens or at least at a minimal level... I could sell my car if I got on at a store close enough and bike it to work... the lower pay would be compensated for by the lack of car note, lack of gas expenses, and lack of insurance. It would even out.

I'm so fucking sick of life. Not as in, I want to die... I'm just sick of this world and all the bullshit I trod through every day, playing the corporate/contract game... I'm going to be late today on purpose. Fuck it.

I spent about $22 yesterday on pet stuff. It was my choice. Granted, I had allotted myself $60 to live on for the week including gas, and I have driven already so much this week that the gas I filled up with on Saturday is down to about a quarter of a tank... but fuck it. Whatever. I have had a sign on the bulletin board at work for a month now, offering to pay half the gas if anyone passing by where I live would just slow down and let me jump in and sit in their car on the ride to and from work. No response. Whatever. Fuck it.

I don't even care. I hate where I've come from in life and I hate that, overall, my opinion of my life is that I have continuously failed or not been "enough"... but I keep going... I need to try a different tactic if I want a different outcome, right? Maybe it's time for something drastic.

I think this alt cert teaching thing would be such a drastic change... I really want to do this. I almost did it last year, but withdrew my application at the very last moment because so many people told me I couldn't or that I would hate it. Fuck that. I'm going to do it for myself and see. It might be just my niche. Someone I respect greatly has told me that teaching is a noble profession, her words exactly. I've watched her life go through several phases since I've known her and have viewed her as successful in each phase. Because she does not give up, and she gives it her all.

So, more people want money from me than I have money to give them, despite working 40 hour weeks at a fortune fucking 500 company. Ahh the sweet irony... like chewing iron itself. Fuck it all, man. I'm gonna go to work, do my assigned tasks, and do my own thing in the meantime. And fuck you to anyone who has a problem with that.

I am grateful for my friends and my emotional support, few and far between but all the more valuable because of that. Today I want to make a list of things I WANT to do, no matter their level of practicality, and set out to DO them. Fuck the rest of it. You only get one life; might as well be happy.

Anyway I still have a few minutes and I can leave for work and still be on time. So fuck you too. *grin*

Much love to my adoring public,

Nicole the Valiant

And a Partridge in a Pear Tree!!

I got a new widdle baby!! Yes, his name is Vladimir and he's, oh, somewhere around a month old. I adopted him from a lady who rescued him south of Houma. He is sooo little and new... and very playful and cute!

And of course I have pictures!

I love this little guy already. He rocks!! Cute little guy. He's kinda scared of the other pets so far but I'm keeping him comfy and safe-feeling... to kind of bridge him in, I guess. I've never done this before.

I can't wait to show him to Carrie!! She is so loving toward animals... she can even make friends with amphibians. She's awesome.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Waiting for the Paint to Erode

...That's actually what I'm doing... waiting. I found this pretty decent-looking end table upside down out by the curb in someone's front yard along with their trash. Did a little favor to the parish trash peeps and picked that up for them. One of the legs was loose and there were a few scratches, a few swollen places on top that looked like water had stood there awhile. I had spotted the table on a walk with Luna. When I got home, Rocco was the one who went back with me and served as my accomplice in retrieving said artifact.

Got it home and inside where, once I tightened a screw underneath the table, the loose leg was el-fixo and voila, perfectly good table. Only now I'm stripping it to fix the facial malformities. (And yes, to the more than one of you who voiced concern last time I did a project like this, I am using newspaper this time.)

I will re-varnish this lil bebe and sell her on the black market AKA Craig's List. *grin* Nice lil source of pocket change.

Ever since then, when I drive around in my partially-ghetto neighborhood, I keep my eyes open. People have an unimaginable variety of junk out by the curb all the time. I enjoy fixing things up. I also enjoy making sales.

Rocco is out here with me on the front porch where I've been working. I told him this was great because Jesus worked with wood, too. He wasn't particularly interested in that topic of discussion, instead preferring to scream at people... or other birds... or... just nothing, possibly enjoying the sound of his voice echoing off Tiger Stadium in the distance, heh...

Guess I need to get back to work. It's time to try the scraper and see if things have loosened up enough to be cleared away. That's the nice thing about wood; you can paint it, stain it, scratch it, whatever... but a little effort is all it takes to completely redo the whole thing.

If it's too broken, you might just have to make it into something new, which is another opportunity for creativity. Or... if there's no other feasible option... you know... firewood... *GRIN*

Peace and fleas with knobby knees!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

In the words of Bob Dylan...

Carrie was home for about 10 days about a week ago. It was wonderful having her here and I look forward to her soon return in a few weeks. I love that girl...

The moment she entered the house, she and Luna ran into each other's arms... shared lots of intimate secrets... totally blew me off and gave me the cold shoulder... but I'm smart, see, and soon things were back as they should always be.

Last Saturday evening, we went to the Hot Air Balloon Festival at Pennington. The whole evening was beautiful.

We got to watch them blow up many of the hot air balloons... that was really cool; I had never seen that before and didn't know how it was done. Very cool. And I mean, plus, the company I was with... ahhhhh...

As it turned darker out and the evening settled in, the balloons would all fire their propane burners from time to time and glow all at once. That was so, so pretty!

I love my beautiful Carrie Lynn... her very, very much... more than words alone could explain.

Then on Sunday, she grilled all kinds of vegetables and shrimp... DAMN!! I um... well I chopped up the veggies... but she handled all the cooking. Girl can do some DAMAGE with a few spices, a little bit of time and the right ingredients! Look at my sexy little senorita caliente on the grill... HOT DAY-UMM!!!

Love my girl. She's back in Pittsburgh now, but only for a week or two. I'm keeping the home fires burning... which basically entails keeping the animals fed and watered and um... looking after their various waste-elimination needs... ha... and she will be home soon, soon! This is a special love, different than any other I've had before. All I can say is, WOW.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

CC's Illustrated

She has the voice makes me think she might would rather be drunk

Or maybe is, often...

Loud, nasal, draaaaawn out... clanging and sharp like New Orleans

They talk about parking backward outside the apartment to keep from

banging the driver's side door of the car

on the post

She wants to bring Dante downstairs next weekend

but is afraid he will slip on the floor and get hurt

He is more rational; calm, someone I would rather be around

Patient with her; I guess he is used to her ways

"Let's go. It's too much money oalready," she says, gesturing with her


As I sketch the guy behind them

sitting in the corner

on his cell phone

I'm making him funny colors because he makes me feel funny...

When I first walked in, he

looked at me too long

so I shot him...

a dirty look. heh...

They're gone

I'm almost finished

Yet barely have I begun what I want to get done while I'm here

I had to reboot my computer so I

pulled out my colored pencils

and started creating my own world in the meantime.

The girls at the table behind me are


discussing life

and how she did it the long way

and how it sounds good.

College students.

"And I was, like..."

I wonder if I like people much at all sometimes

or if I just need to find something else to do

but they are everywhere


and we must co-exist

whether or not they

scrape my nerves

on this nice

Sunday afternoon

as I sit

and listen

and wonder.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

My Sweet Baby Luna

Something awful happened today. It was Avery's 3rd birthday party and everything was going great... then, out of nowhere, my brother's PITBULL attacked Luna. It was terrifying and horrible... one of those pieces of time that seems to move in slow motion with an echoing effect. Nilla had Luna by the head and would not let go... Luna was yelping and trying to fight back but was unable to escape. I started kicking at Nilla... my dad ran over and tried to tug her off of Luna... and my uncle, bless his heart, started swatting at Nilla with the colorful little toy stick Avery and Abel had just used to break open a pinata.

Finally Daddy got Nilla off of Lu, and I took her and left. Straight to the vet, good people, who know Luna by name and are always sweet to her... we got there about 30 minutes before their Saturday closing time and she went right in.

Basically the vet said her wounds were mostly superficial; meaning, nothing was gashed or punctured and no organs were hanging out... nothing was ripped open... I've heard of pitbulls tearing up the faces of other animals or even people... Luna has a tear in one ear, a little less intense gnawing was done on the other ear... she has cuts and bites on her legs and paws, and one of her elbows is very torn up. She is hobbling on 3 feet.

They gave her an injection of antibiotic and a prescription po bid for the next 10 days. They said it was best to leave the wounds open and let them heal naturally so they could drain... and it stinks... and I'm keeping Neosporin on her ears but when I put it anywhere else she just licks it off.

Carrie says I can give her a little acetominophen to help the pain and I will do that tomorrow.

My stomach is still all twisted up in knots from what went on today. I'm lying on the recliner in the living room... I made Luna a pallet with a blanket so she might not hurt quite as much but she - clumsily and miserably - hobbled into the bathroom earlier to lie on the floor where I was rather than be stuck in the other end of the house from me all night... but I don't know if I can stay in here because I smell her wounds and it's making me feel a little sick. We'll see.

I took pictures. They're gross and disgusting but I have to share them as medical documentation of what happened to my dog. I am so spun out over this whole thing. I cried on the phone to Carrie earlier, upset that Luna is SO hurt and there is nothing I can do to fix it.

Luna's ear was torn a little. And the tops of her front legs and her chest. Her front left leg. Her paw. And the underside of her elbow.

I am disgusted, horrified, and very upset. Mostly I hate that my dog is hurt. I prayed over her this evening and asked God to heal her with significant, noticeable improvements when I check on her in the morning.

Poor thing. I had to carry her down the steps from the front porch so she could go potty before bedtime. She is lethargic and miserable and did not eat at all today. I need to call the vet back on Monday if she still is refusing food.

My sweet baby girl. We will not be visiting Nilla again, ever. They used to play together and just be the best of pals... but I'd heard before that sometimes the sweetest pitbull will sometimes just snap. Fuck that. I'm going to take very good care of my puppydog and we will go play with respectable dogs at dog park when she gets better, if she needs some playmates.

This was her earlier... now she's lying on a folded, soft blanket and I hope she gets good rest. My sweet Miss Lu.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Basketballs Don’t Bounce Well in Puddles

Fuck the world and all its rules, all its protocol

as I stride down the street in the light rain

bounce, bounce, bounce, catch



bounce, bounce, bounce...

raindrops adorn my shirt

through the grass and the

bottom inch or so of my jeans legs gets





bounce, catch

hand, backboard, puddle


just because I care

don't get mad

I fucking care


drops in my eyes

on my cheeks


bounce, bounce


bounce... swishhhhhhhhh...

brush the hair off my


shirt now


pants legs





splash, catch


I'd sweat but who could tell

cry but who could distinguish

so I don't

fuck it

raindrops open my soul

I will grow muscles

then nothing will scare me




fuck it all

I'm wet

so fuck you too.