Thursday, September 27, 2012

Weird Dreams #'s 19743 and 19744...

I had two dreams last night that really stood out to me. I have done some research on the meanings behind these dreams and wanted to note them in a blog.

The first dream showed me that I get too emotionally worked-up about things and need to detach. Per one of the explanations I found: "In some point in every woman's life, I believe we would all like to be able to disengage from that intense emotional side and chill out. We get very involved emotionally, in all things, and this can be tedious at times, for us and others." Basically this was in reference to a gender-change dream... kind of embarrassing but what am I if not way too open about personal information... yeah, that was an attempt at a joke... heh.

In the dream, which included my partner, we didn't "do" anything... we just... WERE. Both of us. Walking around in different rooms of the same house, both naked and moderately... male. I had to look that one up. The explanation I found helped me feel a lot more comfortable about the dream's content. Just need to chill, detach more...

Maybe need to go to an Al-Anon meeting or two... they talk a lot about healthy detachment. Hmm, that's a really good thought!

In the second dream, I was in what seemed to be a high school. A lot of the dream took place in a classroom setting, where the seats were very close together so you couldn't move around a lot, and there were raised edges... king of like a sardine can without the lid.

In my dream, the people I'd been friends with when we were teenagers... were really snobby toward me and wouldn't give me the time of day. They were laughing and cutting up with their other, preferred friends. I was rejected and excluded. Thing is, I completely did not care. Not a fake bravado, "Oh, I don't care anyway..." with a clump of wistful emotions punctuating that sentence. I really, truly, did not care; saw their behavior as childish and ridiculous. It was like I was reliving an adolescent situation but with my adult mind. Too cool. *grin*

From my favorite dream-explaining site, , I found this: "To see your childhood friend in your dream signifies (that) you may be wanting to escape the pressures and stresses of adulthood." Aha, this is quite relevant to the dream referenced above! Pretty cool. :)

The site's text continues... "To see friends from your past in your dream points to your desire to reconnect with a part of yourself that you have lost touch with." Maybe I need to detach from present stresses and worries and reconnect with the freedoms experienced in adolescence.

To put God into this, those freedoms could include... knowing that I was being taken care of and provided for, without worrying one bit or giving it a second thought. Relaxing and not worrying about the future. Letting my parents take care of that and just living life. Wow. Epiphany.

Time to let go... and let my Father take care of me.

Thank You, Lord, for speaking to me in my dreams. Please help me to let go and to relax, trusting You. I can't do life on my own. I can't handle it or produce money upon demand to pay stuff off... but You will provide all my needs according to Your riches and glory in Christ Jesus. Thank You so much. I love You. :)

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Off My Chest, I'm Struggling to Breathe...

So I need to get this off my chest. It's eating me up.

YES I am in a wonderful, happy relationship with a woman I truly love and am grateful for. But sometimes, old hurts... can still crop up.

When I was single...

My little heart stuck itself out there and was left essentially flagging in the cold wind... a few times. I met these really cool, very attractive, amazingly interesting women. (Not at the same time; one and then the other, later on.) And they liked me too. And there were different degrees of... physical involvement... but they had told me from the start, they were not interested in relationships, etc etc, and so the involvement stuff ended... and the feelings part... well, that tapered off, much more slowly. Okay it HURT. It hurt to have begun feeling attached to someone, to have experienced affection with them, then to be reminded they did not feel as deeply toward me as I was beginning to feel toward them. It kind of felt like having my face scraped against rough cement, actually. But I tried not to let on, to be tough on the outside while I tried to cope on the inside... it was a disaster, let's just be plain here. I never want to go through that again.

I have maintained different degrees of friendship, on individually fluctuating levels, with both of these women. They are both wonderful people and I care for them.

Now. Moving forward, in recent retrospective moments, I have considered what a relationship would have or might have been like with each of these women. I have taken those thoughts and compared them to the relationship I AM in, now. NO comparison; those never would have been what I have now. My Lena and I have SO much more in common, share opinions on so many more things, share values more tightly than I did with either of the other two, enjoy each other's company and have so much SILLY FUN together!!... I could go on and on, but there is no comparison worth making and I sincerely feel that what I have now is, by far, the best I could ask for.

Did I mention that the two previously-referenced women were friends? Not BFF's, but friends, from back when they were each in previous relationships.

And here's the dynamite... I am pretty sure THEY ARE SLEEPING TOGETHER NOWADAYS.


Right. And I shouldn't care... but I do. At first I felt angry and somewhat betrayed... but, upon closer examination of my feelings, I believe the emotion can best be described as... hurt.

Because I REALLY liked the first one, a LOT... but she didn't want to be with me. Then I REALLY liked the second one, a LOT... but she didn't want to be with me either. And now they want to be TOGETHER??? Not in a relationship, mind you... they are "friends with benefits." One of them keeps trying to get me to guess who her new "FWB" is. But I know. We don't know that many of the same people. And I've been hearing the steps leading up to this, from each of them separately. I'm not stupid. It just pisses me off that it's like she's dangling it in my face. I don't even know what to say. I haven't told her I know; that I figured it out; that I'm not stupid. I don't want to play this game.

And I AM happy... but maybe just a little... jealous?? That I wasn't good enough for either of them, but they want each other?? I mean damn it all.

Well anyway... this will resolve itself in one way or another. I would actually feel better if they ended up in a committed relationship, than to know they're just fooling around. Wow, I can just see an "Alice's List" forming in my head... only, the name in the center would not be "Shane."

Just had to get that off my chest.

And I feel better now. *grin*