Forty-Eve

Sitting in Starbucks on S. Sherwood, I have a blur of hazy emotions swirling around in my mind.  I will turn 40 tomorrow.  I will be "that weird LADY" to teenagers now.  Consistently, I am now noticing things about myself that make me feel awkward... lines, the beginnings of a few wrinkles, crazy little psychotic/electric, wiry purple lines in patches on my legs... and areas of fat which I am beginning to shrug about, resigned... figuring they're probably around to stay.

My mom didn't tell me happy birthday yesterday or even reference my birthday until I brought it up.  My sweet dad sent me a text.  My biological father is still someone I have never met.  He doesn't give a flying fuck about me and that's something I'm still struggling to come to terms with.

So, I am either realizing or accepting there are errors in my life that can never be correctly editied; gaps that will never be sealed up neatly; wrinkles that will never be ironed out.  My life, it is beginning to seem, is a page of eraser smudges, cross-outs and crumples.  Pour the champagne.

I have one sister who seems to love and accept me just as I am, and for her I am grateful, regretting only that I never knew of her existence until a few years ago.  I have one sister with whom I grew up who is nice enough but probably thinks I'm going to hell and won't let my nephews come stay the night with me for fear my lesbian sin germs will hop all over them.  I have a third sister who, as with our shared father, I have never met.  We were communicating on FB messenger for a short time and then she seemed to lose interest in me.  It hurts but, whatever... same with the father, I am not begging.

I have one brother who seriously needs psych medication and could quite possibly benefit from electroshock therapy if it would somehow jiggle his brain cells into place.  I have one additional brother who is one of the sweetest, kindest, most sincere-hearted people I have ever known and I love him the best.  And I can say that because none of them will probably read this, anyway.

Just analyzing my life a little.

I have had my sweet dog Luna for 9 wonderful years now.  Two cats; Hippie who is 7 and Leroy who is 4.  They make me feel valued.

Lena is my partner... my life-partner... my "beyonce" though we might never actually get married because of some outside factors.  Still, she is my constant support, my lifter when I fall, my sunshine when I am drowning in thick clouds.  I could not ask for a better person to love and by whom to be loved.

Some things I like...

Musicians:  Adele, Brandi Carlile, Melissa Etheridge, Demi Lovato, Pink, Lena Horne, Patty Griffin, Stevie Nicks, Anouk (earlier today, I was poking through my CD collection and noticing I don't have near enough music by knock-you-on-the-floor-with-their-amazing-voice female musicians)... stuff like that.

Actresses:  Julia Roberts, Mariska Hargitay, Sandra Bullock, Angelina Jolie, Kate Winslet,, Amy Adams, Melissa McCarthy, Sophia Bush, Jennifer Lawrence, Kelli Giddish, Debra Messing, Zooey Deschanel and her sister on Bones whose first name slips my mind.

I love my 2-month-old Magnetic Black Nissan Frontier... which I have named Stevie Nicks because they are both AWESOME

Things I don't miss:  any ex-relationships, any ex-jobs, any ex-friends AHEM in particular one Rachael... whom I wish blessings on solely because the Bible says I am supposed to... but some people are just cold, cold, cold...anyway... However, I do miss my former dear friends Wendy and Casey, though I don't consider them cold; I actually really miss them.  Two very beautiful souls... But many others, I have dusted off my hands and moved FORWARD!!

People I do not like:  know-it-alls; jerks; the unpleaseable... included in this list are two people from my current place of employment... I am not stupid enough to write down actual names... but I am THINKING them!! haha  I also do not like people who are unkind toward people I love.  And people who are cruel to animals.

Experiences I love:  the excitement of being in unfamiliar, new places; going to the beach; going to a really awesome concert; giving someone a gift and being able to see on their face that they genuinely LOVE it and are so excited!!  (Lena <3)

Things I remember fondly:  experiences with my many awesome friends from m college years; Chi Alpha; Mary's Den; Europe; my five  years living in Dallas.

So, here I sit... behind this coffee shop table (which is how I spent the majority of my time during my last few years of undergrad, ha...) remembering things that I love and despise, feeling anxious and, simultaneously, resenting myself for feeling anxious... yes I'm getting older, but I do so very much want to live, to stay alive, to enjoy life... and make the most of what I have... which is actually an abundant LOT. Just have a little touch of the blues, is all.  But they will pass.


I'm happy it's the holiday season!  Thank you, wonderful Jesus, for being in and staying in my life.  I  am blessed.

New Year's Revolution

Yes, I'm already working on coming up with a resolution for this new year, 2016. I like to decide ahead of time, so I can think about it before I'm up against the wall of having to make quick decision.

A few years ago, I made my New Year's resolution, "Love, Don't Judge". That made a huge revolution in me, in my behavior and in how I perceived other people. I wasn't perfect at it, but mostly when I saw someone, if I started to have a negative thought about them or fuel dislike toward them, I would quickly reprimand myself mentally and tell myself to love, not judge. I prayed a lot to keep this mindset and, as the resolution transitioned into a habit, it made a great difference in my life.

So, it was a revolution... not just something I resolved to do. It changed me.

This year, my desire is to speak less. That is the simplest way to put it. I have noticed in myself a bad habit of saying many, many words, most of which are unnecessary. They do not throw around words like Mardi Gras beads but, for the most part, only say what is necessary. I have observed them thinking more than speaking, and only speaking when it is time to do so. I hold immense respect for these wise friends.

I make so many mistakes and commit so many errors when I just run my mouth. Much of the time, I just need to shut up. I need to say less, love more, think things over more before I decide which words to actually say.

I think, honestly, that will keep me out of a lot of trouble... haha... and hopefully produce character in me that pleases God.

I am learning that words can kind of be an enemy to me...? Something like that. Anyway, that's what I'm working on.

One thing I wonder: Will my efforts to keep excessive or wrong words from coming out of my mouth... lead to a decrease in their forming in my mind in the first place? I hope so. I think one thing I can do to help will be to put good things INTO my head consistently, in order to improve the quality of what comes out

How about you? Any thoughts about your New Year's Revolution?

All the Things She Never Said

It was you
And it was me
But it was only you
No phony, only
Was it true?
Deception - rejection - true reflection
Starved for your touch
A blush, a hush, and absent affection
I felt your protection
Hid inside your strength
Your projected badass bravado
The best of best friends
Closer than close
Shared all and bared all
As I tried not to stare
And you smiled...
Shared secrets and songs
Poems, guitars, letters, journals, prayers, toothbrushes...
And beds
Maybe tomorrow?
Maybe... tonight?
My heart pounding, pounding, sounding...
Drowning... but you never let me drown.
And we barely talked about it...

Still, no, that wasn't right.
But it WAS right!
My church-inflicted inner fight
Crushed my hope and blocked the light
Cruelly condemned myself
When I needed help
Yet would have been content
To sit
In the warmth and snug safety of your arms
Soft lips and soft breath on my neck
Not teasing
Completion
We were one
That was all I wanted
That was all

Simultaneously, still, you chased others
Longed for lovers
And my heart raced
My nerves braced
Self erased
Pride debased
Was this painful love misplaced?

And YES it was love!
And yes it was real
Yet the shame blame game
Tore my mind
And I tore my wrist

But I still missed
Your heart
I was only trying to let some of the pain out
Disconsolate, depressed, desperate...
Denied

That was all I wanted.
That was all.
But you stuck by me
Didn't deem me crazy
Or push me away
Natural as a heartbeat, of course you stayed
True friends don't go away
So, song and dance and games we'd play
Ran free into an endless, starlit evening
And I, the daring dreamer of romance
Ran free
Carefree
Until
You wanted him
More than you wanted me

I had to leave.
I couldn't - do you hear me?
COULD - NOT - STAY.
I would die
Heartbreak, anger
Sin and danger
Punishment was not a stranger
And what about us?
The songs, the trust,
The love the superior righteous loved to slander
Stamped it "lust"
I was torn
Crushed
And it was you...
You.
That was all I ever wanted.

Heart hemorrhaging
Dirty memories
The kiss I would never have
Though I guarded it with my life
In my deepest heart
I had to go
Let it all go
Throw it away
Burn what I could
Forget what I could
But I could not.

You were all I ever wanted.
That was all.

I tried to walk
Tried to change
There'd been no one besides you
So you got the blame
And you got the guy
And the sex
And the kids.
And I moved away,
But I still felt crazy.

Until
I met
Myself
And embraced her
And learned I was good
Validated, though late
My life is my joyful journey, not just my fate

So I've healed and I've grown
Found true delight on my own
And, though I will never forget the past,
I would also never change the present
Because this is what I truly needed
All along

But I will never forget
That sexy, scared, scary young girl
With the vixen black hair and the black leather jacket
Whose piercing blue eyes penetrated me
Whose silky, slender fingers slid inside my soul, gripped my heart,
And made it beat to her own rhythm
Dizzying, intoxicating, elevating, satiating...

Because, once upon a time,
That was all I ever wanted...
That was all.



Nicole L. Henderson
November 20, 2015