Friday, December 31, 2010

So This is New Year's...

New Year's Eve! Here I sit in Cyclone Laundry by LSU. Going to the NOLA WB after here to celebrate with my C. Prepared to ACCEPT... as I have been learning and realizing this week. Such a peaceful concept!

Last night, Luna and I had so much fun! Well *I* had fun... Luna was with me. :) I walked her all around Citiplace, where she inevitably found some snackage... then I spent some time in B&N, which was SOOOO wonderful and relaxing. After that, we went downtown. I was hoping to get shot... because the way I figure it, the best way for something NOT to happen is to hope for it... and voila, here I am today. LOL

We parked across from the LASM and went up the Levee... then down the other side. We walked around awhile then I found a place to pee and Luna kept watch again. She's a good friend. Then we walked around a little more and I decided, ehh, head home.

THEN I had to go through a police checkpoint on Sullivan Road. Dag nabbit. I got a ticket for my expired orange inspection sticker... but it was almost worth it, because Luna always barks her brains out at cops if I get stopped for any reason. She wanted to eat them raw, I swear. Das my girl. :)

Then we went home, I got a LOTTTTTT of sleep, and here I am, feeling pretty darn ok.

Will update later. Gotta check the dryer and my mind is not focusing very well today anyway.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

RJ Ruffling His Feathers

I am on Carrie's bed. In Trish's house. And one must never forget that this is, indeed, Trish's house... whatever.

Last night, we went to the fantabulous buffet at Hollywood Casino in Bay St. Louis, MS. It was wonderful. I ate snow crab legs until I thought I was about to explode, we fed a little money to the penny and nickel slot machines, and then we headed home in the cold night. We had a beautiful, wonderful evening!

Earlier in the day, we went to Christmas at my mom's house. That was pretty nice also; pretty peaceful, minus the occasional Abelsplosions... but all was very nice and mostly pretty cheerful.

After the Christmas party, we headed back to NOLA to check on Carrie's pets. They had not been fed and were sorely in need of attention. We drove to MS, which was a nicely shortish drive, on the grand scale of things... and had a lovely, lovely evening. Then back here where we crashed and are just getting stirring for the day.

Carrie is in the shower. I need a shower but would almost be fine just pulling my hair up and hitting the road. I don't like it here. In Trish's house.

Boring movies on cable, the caramel/vanilla-ish smell of a candle burning... it's a pretty nice day nonetheless.

However, Carrie's truck in in Baton Rouge at the church and is likely to be locked into the back parking lot before we can get there. We had initially planned to go to church but sometimes these things fall through... I will have to contact someone to let us in the gate later. Carrie needs her truck; she has a really good and, in my opinion, promising... job interview in the morning!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Crash, Boom, Bang... Scoop, Clatter...

I am at Starbucks... making worthwhile the time-and-a-half holiday pay the owner of this store is paying his employees on this Christmas Eve. Yes, I am the patriarch of justice...

Blah blah blah, nothing much to say today, but still it helps me to say whatever "nothing" I have in my head.

So many memories are gone! Also, I feel this awful sense of stuck-ness... stuck in the now... I have a bleak outlook on my future. I need something NEW and INTERESTING in my life!! A zippity for my doo-dah. Life for me is so freakin' bland these days. Yuck yuck yuck. I want to move far, far away and have as little as possible to do with my family. Maybe I never should have come back from Dallas. Now I feel stuck. I SO do not want to be stuck. Life is boring. Blah. Humdrum. Let me OUTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to talk to Carrie about this because I am silently going crazy. She fusses at me for not talking to her more. I'm just so used to it always being the WRONG time for me to bring up WHATEVER was important to me at the time. But Carrie is not anyone but Carrie. Hopefully she will want to help me feel better and we can plan to move the hell out of here!!! I love her. I will not leave her, but I so want the two of us to leave together. Somewhere NEW. Ughh.

Going to the Christmas Eve service tonight at church. God, I really need something special from you tonight. I need a spark of hope. Hope would really hit the spot for me right now. Thank you... I know you hear my prayers.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

He Hasn't Seen Ronnie in a Long, Long Time

Jefferson CC's. Nice because it doesn't smell like burned toast like usual. Not nice because it's not the ORIGINAL Jefferson CC's... with Margot and where I would sit and read my Bible every morning before work... and where I would sometimes dash to at lunch from the Baton Rouge Mental Health Center.

I need help. Something is wrong with me.

I need to journal more. I need to regain that outlet. I NEED to MOVE OUT of KEVIN's HOUSE!! That would take a lot of stress off me right away.

I need to join some clubs, make some new friends, get active again. RUN again. Get off my butt and shake up my "normal".

I need a new normal.

I am dying to get out of Baton Rouge, move away from here and start fresh again. Move to a new big city, learn my way around and make a nest for myself.

But not yet. I will not leave my Ma-Ma. She has to leave first. And that seems awful, because I'm not on pins and needles for her to go ANYWHERE... though I'm sure she'd rather be in heaven than in the life she's living these days.

I am so depressed. It started yesterday. I just feel yucky.

I love Luna. We have had some fun times yesterday and today. I love having a dog to take everywhere with me. Love my Lu. I'm so grateful that Carrie encouraged me to keep her instead of giving her away to make finding a place to live easier. I'm glad for that. My tendency is to shed my own to accomodate someone else, even if they're not asking. Carrie is different. Her love is real and different than anything I've had before because she spoke UP and said no, don't do that. She loves me AS-IS... not for what I can give or what I can become.

I feel hideously unattractive these days which leads to feeling awkward around beautiful Carrie. But she seems to like me... and she says she loves me... and I've learned not to argue with someone's declaration of love. I would hate to have that done to me. Carrie loves me and it is nice to be loved.

God, please change me. I feel pretty miserable. I need a new start and a good breath of cold, fresh air. Help, help, help. Please. Thanks.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

After-Work Chill Time

I am in CC's on Airline/Bluebonnet. Last time I was here, I was with Carrie and so, so happy. So maybe I'm hoping to regain some of that... maybe I'm just trying to relax a little.

I just finished copying the photo-conglomeration inserts I have made for this year's Christmas cards and that is exciting!

I am anxious and troubled because, on Dec. 9, and maybe... Part of me wants what is coming... but more of me than anything would miss her terribly and is dreading what may come along with all of that. Well... I need to stop speculating and getting myself worked up about things I don't even know yet. But I don't want part of me to be gone. Because she truly is part of me.

I will see her tomorrow. I guess I'll bring Liefje too and stay all weekend. My sweet. I love her. This relationship is in a dimension I have not previously entered. The depth, the genuineness... the length, even. We had a rough time over the summer but that needed to happen to get us back on track. I never want to lose her.

I love my friends at church but hate their politics. I hate that politics is such a big issue at church. I guess if I AGREED with the main line of thought there... it would not be a big deal. But I vehemently disagree with most of the mainline political views at MCC and I have to hear about those things all the time. There's constant tension in me, and frustration.

Someone is singing "Let it Snow" over the stereo system here. So cheerful. I love the Christas season. This year more than before. Not sure what's different.

I need to get my money in order to get my own place again. There are so many things I want to do...but if I do them, I will never get my own place. I need to focus on that.

Thank You, God, for loving me and taking care of me. I am grateful for You.