Things That Are Hard to do With Just One Hand

1. Type

2. Open a beer bottle

3. Wash a plate

4. Search through a stack of papers

5. Take my bra off. (I can take off someone ELSE's bra with one magical little hand movement... pretty impressive if I do say so myself... but my OWN?? Totally different quest, hehe...)

6. Wash my hair... I have not tried this yet but the moment of imminence is swiftly approaching.

7. Dig through a file drawer

8. Put socks on

9. Button pants... you get the picture; basically DRESSING has become quite a challenge... as well as undressing...

10. Lifting heavy-ish things I'm usually expected to lift at work.

11. Remove, wash, insert contact lenses

Etcetera. Here is what my un-useable hand looks like:

And here is my hand today, sporting this lovely, specially-altered glove which serves several purposes: a- mostly conceals the BRIGHT PURPLE WRAP thereby eliminating many of the inquiries I would otherwise receive. b- protects it from my occasional clumsy bumping of malady in question. c- makes it hard for me to use that hand which is good because I'm not supposed to use it anyway.



The end of this day is slowly approaching and for this I am glad. Christmas is this weekend! Snuck up on me... but I plan on enjoying it.

Feliz Navidad!!

What I Want...

I want to smell a sexy perfume or gentle cologne instead of the locker room smell permeating the air in this warehouse.

I want someone to bring me roses. No one in particular, necessarily, and a mixture of red and white roses would be lovely. With some baby's breath. :)

I want to go home and take the night off... lay down and snuggle with my friend Lori Tab. hehe...

I want the site of my tetanus shot, in my right tricep, to please stop hurting. Please.

I want to just step into peace... to stop worrying about money... which has pretty much dominated my thoughts lately. To just relax and trust that what I need will be there when I need it. Which is, actually, a promise made straight to me from the God of all the universe...

*SELAH* - a musical pause for thought and reflection

Tire-d

Today I had my second flat tire within a week's time. I had a moment. "I'm not tithing anymore; where are the blessings and the protection? I'll just save the freaking money and put it toward my rent." Etcetera etcetera.

I was frustrated.

But I pulled out my spare and my jack and my 4-way lug wrench... and got to work.

After having worked for about 5 minutes, a guy walked up and asked if I needed help. Black guy with long dreds, a baseball cap, and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. Bud Lite pajama pants, tennis shoes and a windbreaker. I said, "I'm working on this tire. But if you're offering to help, that would be great."

I have learned... to accept help. I know I can change a tire... I know I'm not a wimpy dandelion of a helpless female... I know this... but I don't have to prove that to anyone. And if this guy's offering to help... hey, go ahead. Heh :)

He got my spare on for me. I thanked him with utmost sincerity. As he was walking away, he said, "My name's David."

"I'm Nicole. Thank you so much."

Immediately, once in the car, I started asking God to bless David, to meet his needs, to handle any problems in his life. And it occurred to me... maybe David needed prayer. Maybe that's why God allowed the flat tire.

Maybe?

So I drove and prayed more for David, still resentful that I was about to have to cough up MORE money for ANOTHER tire.

I went to the same used tire place I went before... they are nice, they seem honest, and their prices are great. "Weren't you just here the other day?" (Nicole swallows pride...) "Yep, that was me."

The guy who runs the shop said, "Aw, well if you were just here the other day, we won't charge you for this one."

Further discourse, concluding that I was going to get a replacement tire, mounted and put on at zero charge to me.

I didn't even ask for it. He just offered it.

More profuse thank-you's came out of me.

Humbled.

Wow.

God takes care of me. That was amazing.

Maybe David just needed prayer. And maybe Nicole needed to learn a lesson too.

My Blist

Not "B" list, akin to "B" Movie... Blist, one word, a squeezing together of Blog and List. Kind of like the word BLISS... just ending in a T.

I have been inspired by a blogger friend and shall now post a list of my own.

1. I work with 3 guys. They are crazy and love to brag about sex, watching football, sex, victorious fights, and sex. I think the football stories might be true.

2. I am very sleepy. Granted, it is 7:05 a.m. and I have been up since 4:45. Yes, I slept in today. But I made it to work on time.

3. I get to leave work for a consolidated amount of time today. One of the windows in my kitchen is being replaced and I have to supervise. I mean... I have to be there because it's my residence and the window-replacers are individuals I don't know. 'S alright. Time away from work.

4. I also have to pick up my tire today. Driving to LaPlace to retrieve my cats from the ex, I got a moe-foe of a busted flat tire. I hadn't looked at it and thought maybe it was just a nail I could have replaced. But no... got to the tire place yesterday and the tire was TORN. Seriously. NO idea how that happened. It was the front passenger side tire and I was in the left lane on the interstate when it went flat. No telling. Anyway, I didn't have the money for a whole new tire yesterday so I left my rim with the tire people for them to mount a new tire, and I will pick it up later on. My paycheck cleared last night an' now ah gots MUN-NAY. Though most of it is already designated for others. But, for the moment... haha...

5. I want to take a nap. My boss is out of the office. Maybe... naah. Hehe.

6. This morning, the guys' stories were about their dads' methods of disciplining. More stories of which, also, I question the truthfulness. But it was entertaining. Now they are bragging about fights in high school. Mmm hmm.

7. Ok, gotta stop this and act productive. I'm so glad it's Friday. HOLLA.

And the Cat Came Back the Very Next Day...

Or maybe... the very next month and a half or so... but I have my babies back!! Went and got Hippie and Leroy last night as I am now in my own place again with no cat-eating Westies. So Yay, my family is all together again. :)

A Voice for the Transgendered and Transsexual

Awesome, amazing story. Very worth reading.

http://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/2011/12/11/led-child-who-simply-knew/SsH1U9Pn9JKArTiumZdxaL/story.html

Winding in the Wind

I have been living in my new duplex for 3 days now and am really loving it. Despite all the hurdles I faced at first and the things that are not yet quite as perfect as they could be, I love it. This week has been my dog Luna and me, chumming, chillin, and having a good old time.

On Monday, I discovered my house is a mere stone's throw... or maybe a baseball's throw, but still not far... from the back entrance to the newest dog park in the city. Luna and I walked over there in the rain and hung out awhile. We had fun and walked back to the house... cold and wet, but happy.

Yesterday it was even colder but barely sprinkling, so we headed out again. The walkways in this park... there's something kind of magical and exciting about it all. The long stairsteps up the hill,

the tilted light in the shape of a large copper bowl with moons carved all through the outside...

the artsy indention marks in the cement along the path's edges...

I just love it. It makes me feel kind of like I'm in a magical Christmas fairytale movie.




Yesterday we walked past the dog park, past the playground I would have been so excited to explore as a kid, and spent a minute or so wandering among picnic tables on the hilltop there. It was the early beginning of dusk and the skies were even more gray from the cloud cover. Through a thin layer of trees, I saw a train passing, its lights glittery in the cold weather.

After a brief encounter with a shivering lady walking her Jack Russell terrier, Luna and I crossed Dalrymple Drive and walked further into the early evening's wonderland. The sidewalk curved and turned through trees and park benches. Every few yards stood a wire outline of some figure or Christmas character, laced with Christmas lights that had not yet been turned on for the evening. I made a mental note to return with one or both of my nephews.

Passing the tennis center and nearing the golf club, I was elated to come upon one of my FAVORITE yet least-visited places in the city... the Baton Rouge Gallery! I love this gallery and the variety of art it displays. Working where I've worked and living where I've lived, though, I have not been able to get there before closing time during the week and have not been able to justify using the gas to get there on the weekend.

And NOW I can WALK over there ANY TIME I WANT!!!!!!!! And I get off work in the afternoon/early evening so their early closing time is a total non-issue. That makes me happier than a star watching a meteor passing by. Yes indeed.

Though I did not go into the gallery yesterday. I couldn't justify tying Luna to a tree in the cold while I toured the facility. But I will be back.

So This is Friday... and What Have We Done?

An homage to the late, great John Lennon... and my answer is... a lot more than I had originally intended. haha I was hoping for a light day at work but I got here and had... work... to do, if you can believe... the nerve of these people, right??

Though my check posted to my account this morning, so I guess it's a fair trade-off.

Went to Baton Rouge Water this morning to pay a deposit and start water service at my new place. Turns out the deposit I had to pay was less than I was quoted over the phone... also turns out, my ex and I had a remaining amount due from one of our former residences that I will subsequently be billed for on my own new account. Nice. Good thing is, the ex and I are on relatively good terms nowadays. I texted her and asked her to help with half. She had no problem with that.

Water is turned on the next business day after a deposit is paid. Being that today is Friday, that bumps my start date to Monday. I'm anxious to get into my new place... who knows... I might just scoot on in there this weekend and bring a few gallons of H2O with me. It's time.

My feelings and attractions and crushes these days are mostly held at bay... with emphasis on the "mostly." I delved into a few new online pursuits so we'll see if anything comes of those. Not gonna have much extra money in the foreseeable future so any outings will have to be low-cost... thank goodness for my creativity and openness to new ideas. Anyone I date will need to have those same attributes as well.

27 minutes and I'm hittin the road. More packing and moving... a pretty full weekend, but it should be a rewarding one. God is good.

Half Baked Sleepy

I'm watching the Dave Chappelle movie "Half Baked." It's hilarious. I'm actually feeling munchy-ish just from watching this movie.

I am tired, compliments of an Advil PM. Had a killer headache all day. But a worthwhile headache, haha...

My family has this habit of, whatever you tell them, they find whatever negative anything they can about it and blow it up in your face. I try not to be that way.

Not much more to say right now... sleepy. :) Love to all.

flowers for no reason but you miss me...

Yes, I said it by not saying it.

It's been close to 8 months.

I don't want to dive recklessly into a relationship, but I have been feeling lately that I would at least like to perhaps wade into the shallow end and test the water.

I heard a woman on the radio today saying there was a scripture in, I believe, Isaiah, where God says, "Before you step to the right or to the left, ask me which way you should go." Something like that. I feel a definite sense of agreeing with that concept, and I do not want to rush ahead of God. He knows best; He's the one who takes care of me.

There is someone I have a thing for... but I'm not so sure about the bigger-picture potential there is with this person.

So I will lay fleeces, maybe, and ask and wait.

That's the great thing with God. We can stay in a state of continual conversation with Him. Talk about constant help. God is so good. He is the friend that sticks closer than a brother.

I Hear the Rain

...and the air-conditioner... so at least the power is still on. :) Supposed to be a pretty ugly storm this weekend. Actually I think it has already grown big enough to have a name. Let me google that... yes it has become Tropical Storm Lee. Greetings, Lee.

I stayed last night at my friends' house. Just didn't feel like chillin at the trailer solo. I appreciate my awesome friends Julia and Kathy. They are always so kind to me. Like extra moms :)

So I woke up this morning fron an odd dream. In this dream, I had been up all night helping a friend on her job. She works for a funeral home. So, the dream. It became morning, in the dream, and I needed to go meet her to help her finish from whatever she'd done the night before. But I was stressin because my vehicle was very dusty and dirty, and I didn't want to show up in that at the funeral home, especially among all the people who would be there, dressed nicely for a service. I was stressing and sweating this.

Finally these two dream-fictional guys she works with (not real-life people; I have no idea who she works with) came up to me and were like man, we HAVE TO get over there! Come on, you can ride with us, just come on; we have to go.

And I woke up from that dream feeling the distinct impression that I have been sweating this friend far too much. I could look up the dream symbolism but I can pretty much bet that it'll say I'm stressing too much over her, what she thinks, what she would like or not like, etc etc. Gotta BREATHE. Gotta step back and BE. And not get all wrapped up in this sitation she and I have begun. It's a great situation, and my mind is right; I'm not crushin on her nor am I feeling IN LOVE or anything crazy like that. It's cool. I just need to make sure I don't overthink it all. I like her a lot; as a person and a friend. And the B of the FWB... deserves its own universe of honor for its awesomeness, let's just say... but I gotta keep it light. Gotta keep it light-HEARTED. Or seriousness will suck all the fun right out of it.

I appreciate dreams. :)

These Days

Strugging to stay out of love
Or over-like
or whatever...
Hoping to not have my emotions leading me around by the nose
But not taking much action toward achieving that
I could so easily fall for her
But this is good
Distance is good
We are getting to KNOW one another
And I can't rush and mess it up
OH YEAH, and then there's that other factor
I keep conveniently forgetting about
Grumble.
So I keep meeting new people
In attempt to dilute my focus
And remain, myself, intact
At the center of it all.
Desperate to keep my eyes on God.
He is my constant.
He stays the same, no matter what else changes or moves
Or leaves.

Like the Deserts Miss the Rain

Last weekend had me in Fort Worth. It was an incredible time and I loved almost every second of it. Since I've been back, disappointments have floated down from the plateau of her... things are not turning out "as I would have written it" haha... but then, what should I expect... that seldom happens for anyone.

So I'm at SB chillin with the Artist who has become an exceptionally good friend of mine. Grateful for her beyond words. Anyway.

Church this morning struck me as a little boring. Then again I'm sleepy. I'm a little depresed. Man... I'm just kind of feeling suspended in mid air. Sad. Blah. But I will make it. This too shall pass.

I gotta get outta Louisiana. I need a plan and I can start working that plan. Think I'll get on that right now.

Amazing.

Amazing things are happening in my life lately. I have so many things so say, I don’t know quite where to start.

Actually right now I’m a little distracted because I’m waiting for a return text from Artist. I sent her a text, teasing her… I thought it was tremendously funny but it’s not half as much fun if she doesn’t respond. Of course knowing her… she’s got such a sharp wit… she will take the time she needs to craft the most stabbing reply possible. Hehe. I like being friends with her.

Yes, I said that. I love being her friend. That is the direction she and I are headed and, after much mental processing on my part, I am fine with that.

I am learning like crazy. There is also purpose for THAT, beyond the world of the Artist. I need to dig in deeper and learn more, faster!! I have a sense of urgency there.

Yesterday I played and sang in church. That was really exciting. Hadn’t played in front of people in a LONG time. Back in the saddle feels nice. :)

Yesterday afternoon, I met the Artist at the Shaw Center. We went and sat on the 4th floor balcony and talked for about 2 hours. She also let me read from a book of her poetry. Talk about GUT-WRENCHING… her poetry was so vividly written, reading it made me almost hurt physically! What I read was obviously from a very hard time in her life. She’s one of THOSE… one of those I keep coming across… who have reached their current place in life only after walking a very broken, harsh, rocky road. Artist is an amazing writer. I told her over and over how much I appreciated her letting me read her poetry; her writings are very personal and real.

I guess I do kind of still have a crush on her… to say I completely did NOT would just be a lie. But I am handling it a lot better. Haha!! Truly though, I love having her as a friend. Getting to KNOW her… and letting her know me, the real me… without the encumbrances of all that comes with having a relationship… is, at this point, a very clear and free experience.

Also, I was able to give her a Bible Promise Book yesterday! She is expressing an interest in the Bible. That excites me because I have been praying hard for her to want God, to hunger for His real love. Circumstances have been lining up in her life, I tell you what! So she has a Bible now, and told me she had “thumbed through some of it.” I was able to show her the book of John, to tell her that is a good place to start. John is God’s love letter to us. I told her, it tells of Jesus’ life, death and resurrection, and really explains the REASON for the rest of the Bible. I also showed her how to find Psalms by opening the Bible to the very center. I am so excited and need to keep on praying for her. Love that girl… in the best way possible.

It has been a very rainy day. Since I ran yesterday, I might take the evening off and read some. I am loving life lately.

Muggy

Muggy Sunday morning
Outside SB
Because, for her, it is SB
And not Starbucks
As my world evolves
Past the ends of my fingertips
Finding that a lack of control
Actually gives more control
And the less I try to manage
The more I end up in charge of
And I am learning
Sometimes
Fewer words convey more meaning

WOW

WOW. Last night was AWESOME. I have never had a better time sitting outside of a Starbucks and chatting for hours.

Not sure what she thinks of me. Though she did make a comment about how ironic it is that all kinds of people want to get back in touch with you when you become interested in someone… she did say the exact words “interested in someone” while sitting with me.

She is deaf… she can speak just fine, and hear a LITTLE… and relies a lot on lip-reading. She does best with people who are good with sign language. So I’m glad I know some ASL. I want to get to know her better.



She is also a writer. She works on a poetry collection and also is 4 or 5 chapters into a novel. She let me read two poems and the first chapter of her book. Very, very intriguing stuff.

She shared a few very personal things with me... those things are safe with me and will go no further than that Starbucks table where they were spoken. I respect her for her honesty.

LOUD ASIANS!!

At Starbucks. In Towne Center. OR "Centre" if you're all snooty and culturally savvy. Heh...

I am sitting outside because there was a very loud table of Asian patrons... coupled with the very irritating music... had to break outta there. Meeting my new friend who, as far as I can tell, is very cool and very worth getting to know better. I hope she likes me. I mean... I hope she finds me interesting and wants to get to know me too. AND I hope she finds me attractive. Because she is definitely attractive. *grin*

Funny... before, I would not have stopped to wonder if someone would be attracted to me. I would just know they would be. Regardless of all the rest of my pluses and minuses, I'm sure that confidence alone had a lot to do with people being attracted to me. A couple of bad experiences in a row can wear a person down. OIE VEY!! heh...

So... on to other topics.

Actually she is here now so... hehe Later :)

Keepin' It Real

So. I'm getting to know new people. And liking it.

Everybody has their pros and cons if you think of that person in a "more than friends" way - but if I keep it in the frame of friendship, I have not met one person that doesn't rock. I love meeting new people and learning about them. And I guess the element of possibility is exciting. :)

But... right now... the idea of committing to someone and NOT continuing to meet new people... is not appealing to me. I'm not getting INVOLVED with anyone beyond conversation and a little flirting, so far... and I'm liking it that way.

I have met one person who would be totally down for meaningless sex, heh... and don't get me wrong, she's beautiful and a lot of fun to talk to... but that's where it would end with her. She lives far away and has her own boatload of drama... though I appreciate that she is totally open and honest about that, even without being asked. But that's really not my desire.

So I'm tryin' to keep it really real. And be honest, even with myself, which is sometimes harder than being honest with anyone else... :)

Canaan!

Wow. The Canaan Band from MCC in St. Petersburg, FL came an played our service today. It was huge and incredible. Awesome time.



At the end of the service, I prayed while Pastor Keith was talking about the communion. "Lord, x-out my emotions... let your heart flow straight through me to the people I pray for...". I love serving as a prayer partner at the end of services.

I feel like, and pray, that my prayers are prophetic. That they don't come out of my head, but straight from the mouth of God's Spirit. I also know that I am so much happier when my life is doused in God so I'm going to keep praying for that and actively seeking it.

There was a theme in the prayers today: HEALING. God kept saying He uses our wounds to make us fit to convey healing to others. And as, out of our need, we give God's healing to other people, we receive double that in healing from God within ourselves.

Amazing.

I have also been praying for opportunity. Today in church I was thinking, wow, it would be so hard to leave here... and I felt God say with a smile on His face, "You've been praying for opportunity! You need to be ready and prepared when I bring one your way!" Meaning, it could be any form of opportunity (I was initially thinking long the lines of EMPLOYMENT opportunities... but I am reminded... God is bigger than that...) - any form of opportunity, and it could place me anyWHERE! I have an excitement deep in my middle now. God REALLY WAS LISTENING when I prayed that! Heh... kind of like, well DUH Nicole, what'd ya think? But I needed that reminder. I appreciate that excitement and anticipation. I needed a fresh sense of anticipation in my life.

I want to research the concept of "Canaan" because I believe in that lies a lesson for me. :)

can't know

People are so confusing. You think you understand them, then BLAM, you are reminded that you do NOT.

I have this friend… from a long time ago… that I just cannot figure out. I guess I should not be so worried about “figuring her out” because, really, I guess her life is none of my business.

But I seem to be magnetically drawn toward frustration, so my mind is stuck.

When Carrie and I were together, I made a piece of art that represented my perception of her. It was a picture of a shadowed door, long unopened, with scraggly tree branches hanging down in front of it. Because I never felt like I could really get a good understanding of what was going on inside her. I think I’ve felt that way about most people in my life, actually.

“I CAN’T KNOW!!”

A constant grinding to know more, to understand more, to dissect to the point of splitting apart neutrons and protons…

I think I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I wonder why. Woops, there I go again… I think I wonder why more than anyone I know.

I wonder why that is… haha just kidding…

Here’s my theory on me: I think it goes back to some deep craving and yearning to know and to be known. On the deepest level of emotional intimacy.

In a way, it’s been disappointing because I have never found anyone who wanted to know me as deeply as I wanted to know them. But maybe that’s just… maybe they’re right, and I’m strange. Actually, I bet if anyone came nosing around my business the way my brain noses around the business of other people… I would think they were a freak. I would probably get the creeps toward them and avoid them like a bad germ.

So I guess I’m a bad germ. :)

It’s psychology and understanding and KNOWING… I feed on stuff like that. So why in the world didn’t I go into THAT when I was in college… dunno. A million reasons.

And here I sit, with a BA in Social Work and an MBA in Health Care Management, working as a receptionist for a petrochemical giant. I have to believe that God has plans I know not of… and that He is bigger than my weird, winding path of strange decisions.

I bet He knows why. :)

Crazy Dreams and Dollar Tree Adventures

Wow. Sitting in Starbucks in DS. This very loud, traveling, hispanic family of very hyper children stopped in to fill their frenetic young with hot chocolate and double-chocolate coffee cake. I along with everyone who works here breathed a heavy sigh of relief when they left. Que serah serah.

There is a chick working here who I really kind of like. My luck she's straight. But she's just really neat. Just sayin'. I guess I could at least learn her name.

It is 7:29 p.m. and I am here with no makeup and severe bedhead. But I am happy and I think that is what matters. :) I woke up around 8, let Luna out, loved on Hippie, distributed animal food, let Luna back in, put Hippie away and went back to sleep. Then I woke up again later, never checked the time, let Hippie out of his kennel to stretch his legs (as long as he doesn't jump, that's ok, per the vet) and so that he and Leroy could get to know each other. Cleaned up the house a little. Drank some beer. Put Hippie up, laid on the couch with a book and some food - and Leroy. He is the sweetest little furball I have known, probably ever. Wherever I am, he is there, as close as possible. Sweet little kitty.

Fell back asleep until about 3:30. Actually my phone said 3:33 when I woke up so I made a wish. Laid there thinking for awhile, realized I needed to take my meds, got up, got dressed, took Luna out for a minute, and decided to get out of the house for a little while.

So, the crazy dreams I mentioned in the title... these all happened during the periods of time when I was asleep in my bed, not this afternoon on the couch. Some odd sexual dreams, weird scenarios, fuzzy details... then at some point the scenario switched.

I was in a low-lit room, in a circle of people, like a group meeting or something... Kathy and Julia were there, and so was my mom. Turned out, my mom was throwing a party in celebration of my life, that I had survived my 1992 accident. But in real life it was an MVA; in the dream, the accident was that I had been shot. I had been hanging out with a group of friends. This girl was checking out this handgun, just turning it over and over, looking at it, and it accidentally went off and I was shot. Just like with my real-life MVA, I had no first-hand memory of the event of what had taken place after it. Apparently, though, I had barely survived and had to go through all kinds of rehab like in real life.

**Note, in the midst of this blog, I have relocated... met my rock star friend Melinda at this CC's. Great chat, great company. Very valuable friend she is :)

So, back to the dream... my mom had made this enormous, almost poster board-sized book for me with the entire story of the shooting, newspaper clippings, police reports, pictures, hospital records, the whole 9 yards. And although I wanted to look over it later, she insisted I sit right there and read the whole book right then. I wanted to visit with my friends who had come to the party, but she insisted I read the book.

You know how dreams are kind of patchworked together and don't always completely make sense... so the book said Kathy and Julia had been there when the shooting happened. But after some thought, I realized they hadn't even been my friends when it happened. I asked them about it and they said they actually HAD been. I was confused.

I also found out in this book that they had taken in the girl who'd shot me... let her live with them, "employed" them as their housekeeper to pay her "rent"... and I was flattered thinking how nice that they let me stay with them for free (which they did, in real life). Then I felt betrayed in a sense... because this girl freaking SHOT me, and they were supposedly my friends... and they took her in?? Kathy said but oh, she had nowhere to go; it was the only right thing to do, bla bla bla... but it just didn't sit well with me.

Anyway, I'm sure I could go through that dream and research the symbolism of each part of it, but I can pretty much figure it out. I think anyone who knows me, who sat down and thought over it could pretty much figure it out. I've had experiences with betrayal before... right now it's awkward for me to know that dear friends of mine, many of them, are still friends with Carrie... which is normal; I broke up with her, they didn't... I guess I should research the rest of the dream though. I do always learn a lot from doing that.

One thing I've realized is that the people who show up in my dreams usually don't represent those actual people; they represent a concept. I've often had dreams about my mom turning on me and doing horrible things... it wasn't my MOM, though; it was just the concept of people I trusted, turning on me or letting me down. So the dream, though it had Kathy and Julia making cameo appearances, was not literally about those two betraying my trust. Make sense? LOL

Anyway. It's been a weird day. I am about to go to the "District" aka the police station... Melinda's on the desk tonight and invited me to come and sit a spell. I believe I will take her up on that because I've been lacking in the area of friends and company. Julia notwithstanding... but for the most part it's been work with the guys and home with the pets. :) A little conversation and laughter is good for the soul.

Pet Wabi-Sabi

Sitting here, agitated that work is not over yet. I am grateful for my job. Just ready to go home for the day. I’ve been pretty fidgety today.

I don’t think I could ever achieve a true state of Zen. My mind is going 90 to nothing almost 24 hours a day. It gets to be exhausting.

One issue figured out today: what to do with the cats. I absolutely can NOT take in stray cats right now. It’s a horrible domino effect… take in one because I feel guilty… take in another because I feel guilty for taking in one and not the other… etcetera etcetera. Mercy me. I can’t do it. One day maybe I will get a place with a big barn that I can fill with stray cats who need a place to call home. The walls of the barn will be lined with low feeding troughs kept filled with every variety of cat food. And there will be NO LITTER BOXES!! Which is the beauty and genius behind having OUTDOOR cats.  Then I will never turn away another homeless cat.

For now, I will feed them when I am able and spay/neuter when I have the resources. But I have to keep my home in order or I will go crazy.

And especially right now, Hippie needs peace of mind while his leg finished healing. My poor sweet little guy. He comes first. Period.

Ha… I suppose I need to maintain a state of “Pet Wabi-Sabi.” Not too much; just enough, kept neat and clean yet allowing for natural imperfection. Luna’s shedding adds continuously to that state of imperfection. Haha And keeping the litter box scooped when necessary contributes to the clean aspect. Totally. I believe I have just come up with a new theme for my home life. Have to tell Cheyenne. 

Orange Chairs and an Irritating Blonde

Those are what is near me. I forgot to take my controlled substances today. Probably why I'm irritable.

Okay she got up. Good. Okay.

It's been a day. I slept til 1:00. P.M., yes, that 1:00.

I was over at Julia and Kathy's very late last night, doing laundry and watching Comedy Central's Friday Night Stand-Up. Well, with Julia... Kathy had to go to work. They both mean so much to me. They are SO KIND... and open to having me around, and they're nice to Luna... they have helped me over and over and over in numerous ways, they are generous and loving and... they ACCEPT me.

It feels so good to be accepted.

I feel kind of suspended in mid-air lately. I'm kind of lonely, but protective of my aloneness and my independance. And a little insecure, truth be told. I'm defensive... don't want to open up to anyone and risk being hurt. I'm embarrassed of where I live, excuse excuse excuse, I could come up with excuses all day.

But I think the wise thing to do in uncertainty is... to do NOTHING. LOL Rather than risk doing something wrong... I shall just maintain.

As long as I keep busy, I'm okay. Last week, I got to church late so I wasn't able to be part of the praise team OR serve as a prayer partner at the end of service. And I cried through the service. It was awful. Tomorrow, I will try hard to be on time so I can have things to DO, to keep myself busy, so my mind doesn't cry.

Jumpin' Jack Flash

Hello. Today is Memorial Day. I am over at Kathy and Julia's house. In a little while, we will go over to Mo and Mary Ellen's for some kind of barbecue event to which I was invited posthaste yesterday afternoon. It should be nice. My camera and I plan to explore the yard, pets, house, and whatever else catches our eye as interesting. The past few days, I've been more interested in photography.

I'm a little "blah" today... had a hard Carrie day yesterday. My life now is good as long as I have something to do, or as long as I'm asleep. haha... But the evening rounded out well with Avery and me having a swimming extravaganza in my parents' above-ground pool. Avery is the sweetest little boy in the world. He wrote two notes for me on his little green chalkboard when I was about to leave... first, "I love you" and then he had my mom help him spell out, "I don't want you to leave." What a heart-twister. He needs love and to be made to feel special because his bio parents are greatly lacking in that area. Sweet, sweet little guy. I love him with my whole heart.


God has put some really wonderful friends in my life... starting with Kathy and Julia, who have essentially allowed me to invade their conjoint life, any time I need to or just want to... also Melinda, how I love Melinda... she wrote me the kindest, most endearing text message yesterday after I left church all bug-eyed from crying through the end of the service. And John, little John Dugan... so kind and so caring. I could go on but those are the ones that helped pull me through yesterday. God supplies what I need when I need it. And for that I am grateful.

And it's allllllllllll... riiiiiiiiiiiight... now. :)

Don't Be Afraid to Change Directions

Today finds Luna and myself out on the covered patio at CC's on Airline/Bluebonnet. It's a nice day as long as I'm in the shade. I am forever grateful for coffee shops with covered patios WITH electric outlets :)

Earlier, I was at my church, MCC-BR. Scheduled was a craft group, what my Baton Rouge Creativity Outlet has morphed into. No one showed up, which really didn't bother me because I decided to spend some time praying. Last week's service was so wonderful, and I want it to be like that again!

While praying, I felt an impression of God saying, "Don't be afraid to change directions." No expounding on that; just that sentence. I felt it was for me and also for the church, so I texted it to Pastor Keith. Now I will learn over time what it means for me, and he is free to explore it as he feels inclined. :) God is so good.

I know one thing that word meant for me- moving on from my former relationship, though it was and still is very hard, is going to have very good results in my life. I need to let go of the guilt, separate myself from the hurt, move forward and be open to 1) whatever God uses me for and 2) whatever new things/people God brings into my life.

I feel very relaxed today. Good; I needed that. And I love sitting here, listening to the traffic pass, feeling the wind, and having my sweet Lu at my side... with a water bowl for her should she take the notion to be thirsty. :)

Outside the Whistle Stop

Sitting here on the porch at the Whistle Stop Coffee Shop in Denham Springs. With my Luna, of course. :) It's a beautiful day, not even hot, and I am loving it out here.

Last night, I broke and sobbed and cried out to God, pleading, "HELP ME!!" Well, that's where it started. The time progressed to me just praying, me just listening, and then Selah joined the picture (my wonderful Alvarez acoustic guitar). Sang some, sang prayers, and listened some more.

I believe God can do the most for me and through me when I am out of my element. That's part of what I understood last night. I've always heard that He has lots of use for the broken. That there is hope for the broken, that He does not discard or give up on the broken, but that brokenness is a time when He can reach into us and make us stronger, make us brighter and BETTER.

Church this morning was amazing. I had asked the Holy Spirit to be with me, to help me, and God's presence was evident to me and to many others in the service.

I'd had to ask a friend for help with gas money to get to church, but was able to swallow my pride and just ask. God is teaching me to accept help, love, and gifts from others. I don't need to argue or feel guilty. God can give His love to me via other people. I had an understanding of that last night.

For the past month or so, I've served as a prayer partner at the end of the service. Sometimes, with all I've been going through lately, I've felt grumbly at the thought of giving to others while I, myself, was hurting so badly. But God has helped me to separate ME from giving... one has nothing to do with the other.

Also today, while I was praying with people, a lady came up and said she just wanted to give me a hug and hopefully get some of the God she saw in me. I gave her a big hug and cried a little after she left, while gaining this understanding: When I am broken, God shines through the cracks.

I am trying to turn a corner with my life. So far so good. I hope to make this blog an outlet for things that will help other people as I learn them. Going through and cleaning it up a bit... ha... and some places where I had used bad language, I replaced with "no appropriate words" because, truly, there were not APPROPRIATE words for how I was feeling when I wrote whatever it was. :)

God is so good and I am grateful when He uses me to show love to people. I just need to keep my head on and not get overwhelmed. It's been a tedious balance for me in the past.

Going see my Ma-Ma now. :) Sweetest lady in the world.

Funeral

**This is an older post from the middle of April. I found it in my drafts then published it, not thinking that the original date would not show up correctly. So anyway... here it is:**

My grandfather's funeral was today. I hated it. I hated the whole thing, the uncomfortable atmosphere, the fake smiles and forced hugs... didn't care much for most of the people there... I could've just done without the whole thing.

I will miss him. He was a good man. A GOOD, good man.

I hated the stupid, recorded, female old-church voice that sang 2 hymns in the service and I hated the Irish-sounding recorded male voice that sang the third.

I hated that the ministers who delivered the service stumbled over their words like they barely knew him or at least didn't prepare for what they were going to say.

I hated feeling responsible for my cousin, who seemed mad but whatever, she's seemed mad our whole lives. Probably plays into my feeling responsible for making sure people aren't mad... has messed up a good bit of my adult life. She wanted us to speak together in the service. At first, I'd told her I would. Then I changed my mind. So she decided she wasn't going to speak either, then. THEN she seemed mad. Whatever. Who cares. I am so tired of caring, I could vomit.

I hated the stupid group pictures somebody decided we should take... who takes pictures at funeral receptions?? That's not something you celebrate and memorialize!! I mean for Pete's sake. And I didn't want to be in the stupid pictures. But I let them force me. So then I was mad because my boundaries had been violated.

When I left I told my mom bye and just left. I walked out the door just like I was going get something out of my car... and I got in it and left.

Had to get out of there.

**SCREAM**

Yeah. So that about sums it up. I think when I get off work I'm going to go for a run... lest my head explode.

How can *I* be still ruminating over the shards of this relationship and *SHE* is all hippity-skippity, goin hit it with a new girl this weekend!!

I could vomit.

The river is getting higher and higher... the literal river, not a figurative comparison. The Mississippi River is gonna flood the hell outta this area very soon. And Miss Smarty Pants is going out of town this weekend. "Oh I'm gonna be sooooooo worried about the pets while I'm gone!" Right. If she was that concerned, she would stay home.

The 3 years we were together, making love was like a scarce, random reward. By her call. And now she's going party all over Pensacola.

No appropriate words.

Love

I have been IN love...

Right now, in that regard, I feel more OUTSIDE of love.

But there is another kind of love that always is and always stays around, with, and in me... God's love.

And before I start sounding like some cheesy contemporary Christian hit, fear not, there yet remains a bit of an "edge" to this story.

"Edge" as in, not all darling and fluffy and pink hearts and Easter bunnies.

"Edge" as in real life. The real world, the one I live in every day.

Breakups are never, ever pretty... at least, not from my experience. My last breakup, while far from being my ugliest, was certainly not one of the simplest I've ever endured. Not was... is... because I am still enduring it.

I am still sorting through it, figuring out what to do with odds and ends of emotional leftovers and shreds of feelings, memories, and a lot of anger. Anger is both terrifying and disarming. I don't know quite what to do with it. SHE does not make me cry much anymore, but anger does. Plenty.

So I am still going through this breakup... and she, apparently, has already moved on. On to the next one. Three years of "I love you forever," two months of anger and hurt, then like a blob of projectile vomit bursts a new significant other onto the scene.

I feel suspended in midair... not sure whether to be furious, to be hurt, or to laugh at the utter hilarity of it all... because this girl is everything my ex always told me she could not STAND. Not to mention she lives about 13 hours away. Whatever.

That's my out... "Whatever...".

I will say this, though... about 2 years ago, my ex got herself in quite a stinky bind and I totally laid my neck on the line for her. The matter is still not resolved... and, legally, I am still responsible for making sure she fulfills her part of the deal in resolving this whole issue. I am, as my police officer friend put it, "Stuck like Chuck." Very true.

Very scary!! Because Chuck, in this situation, is very stuck in a VERY uncomfortable place! And the past few days, I've increased my level of worrying from "kind of" to "almost obsessing". Not good.

I'm tired of trying to write this like a cute little story. Sum it up: I am mad. PISSED. And I don't trust her a bit, and less so by the day.

But threatening her has never worked for me; threats just make her angry and give her ideas of worse things to do.

I feel like a walking version of "The Scream" by Edvard Munch.

But I felt inside today that God was telling me to trust Him... I can't control this situation, but He can. And He will. I just need to keep praying over it and trust Him.

And, in the meantime, I am to conduct myself toward her with God's love. Because Love conquers all... and because that's how God would have me behave toward anyone, anytime, regardless of the extenuating circumstances.

Seacrest out.

I Used to Live Here...

Wow. I'm sitting in PJ's in Hammond. I did; I totally lived here while I was in college. Amazing. When I'd bought my drink, I walked around the store a little bit, remembering the old and taking in the new.

I just want to come absorb myself into Hammond one Saturday soon. Great big memories in this little town. Sweet.

Tonight, I am in town to meet Carrie... it's kind of a halfway point between LaPlace and Denham Springs. She is going to give me $200 to go toward Hippie's vet treatment tomorrow. We are both praying so hard his leg is healing and won't have to be amputated. 2 weeks ago, it looked like it would've had to be. But time has passed, he has dwelt in a kennel and patiently endured... to give it some time to hopefully heal. The angle of the fracture was not one that would have benefitted from a cast or splint. We were told he needed a rod inserted into his bone marrow... and that would have cost the same as a crappy used car, which neither of us could possibly afford right now.

So we have prayed and waited, and tomorrow morning is the vet appointment where God has a great big ol' chance to shine!!! (PLEASE!!) Hanging on to faith...! :)

I want to move to Asheville, NC. I want to set a goal for that. Get my finances straight, save up some money, find a job there and GO! It will probably take a few years but I can do it if I concentrate and make it a priority. Make a list of steps. Anything is possible.

PLUS, it's another good reason not to get involved in a RELATIONSHIP!!NOT that I want one, AT ALL, but things have a way of sneaking up on us when we're not looking. Especially if we have other ambitions in mind. And by "we" of course I mean "me"... haha.........

Coffee Conversations... behind me... tee hee hee...

It's cause she drinks so many... she'll go back in the back and count sales...

The last 2 shifts I worked with her...

Exactly. She doesn't feel like doing it so she works from a list.

Bar's like my weakest thing. I like bar...

Go do it. And I hate that. Oh wait I'm sorry... it shouldn't have to be like that.

I talked to Ryan last night. Depending on how things are. Especially because I close front a lot, and I TRY to do a good job... regardless, after dinner.

===========

Blah blah. This is boring. Shop talk between 2 disgruntled coffee shop employees. :)

Happy Easter!

I'm here at S. Sherwoood Starbucks... chillin a minute. Left for church intentionally early. Went by storage to drop off some stuff for Carrie... ha... that's kind of become our physical stuff mediator. Except she hasn't left any stuff for me there yet. But she's supposed to. Soon, anyway.

My new place is shaping up really nicely. I could use a few more shelves but otherwise it's cool. No TV service yet but I did get an antenna for my radio... which has exploded my channel selection. Went from ONE station to bazillions... even from New Orleans and Lafayette. Only I can't get 89.1, the Baton Rouge NPR station. I can get a very scratchy version of 89.9, the New Orleans NPR station. So that's cool.

I have been thinking I would like my next GF to be a little butchy. Butchy enough so guys don't flirt with her... that always ticks me off so bad... even though Carrie was awesome with that, putting them in their place immediately. I liked that. Maybe I'm a little scarred from Mandie... who would not only flirt BACK but usually end up SCREWING them... I hate that. Hate the general disrespect guys have for lesbian relationships. Like HIS unit would shine the glorious light for either or both of us and we would realize how wonderful and awesome men are. NO WAY EVER! I love women... "tank top, soft lips, smooth skin... tan thighs..." Yes Melissa you have hit the nail on the head.

So... soft butch... but visibly not attracted to men. And someone who takes me just as I am... I am NOT frilly-girly, I do not wear dresses EVER and sometimes not even makeup, depending on the day.

Sometimes I'm lonely... missing having someone at home to talk to, hug, kiss... that sort of thing... "all I want is company..." (Melissa again)... but I don't want the entanglements and complications of another relationship right now. No, no, no. But eventuallly... we'll see.

There is love for me. :) There is just not, currently, any "me" for love. That about sums it up perfectly. :) :) :)

How Do You Spell Utter Disgust...

I have been sitting here for a good 20 minutes struggling with how to word a "no appropriate words" facebook message to my horrible ex. I would write something, then regret it, then write something else, then think how I should really stay above all of her disgusting nonsense...

Anyway, I decided to leave it alone and vent here, in my own personal blog.

I am disgusted and sickened and kind of hurt... though I don't want her back, not at all... it just sucks to have it rubbed in my face, her plans to go for a vacation to Florida to visit my NO LONGER friend... I am sick ad furious and horribly disgusted and I know I keep using the same words over and over but DAMN IT WHAT ELSE DO I SAY?!?!?!!!!

Poor sweet Hippie got hurt today. I had told her I would help pay his vet bill... but I'm not paying for it if she's going to Florida. If I pay for his bill, I GET TO KEEP HIPPIE!! But I don't know how to adequately communicate that to her. No appropriate words. I am furious and I already took a shower so I can't go for a run to burn it off.

I am sick. Sick, sick. I don't know what to do. I just wish I could hit refresh and re-start my life without her in it at all.

We Are The Ones

Melissa Etheridge's lyrics changed my life and I continue to draw solace from them today. It's funny, the things people can pull hope from. I get hope from her songs. I find peace in her music. Her album "Fearless Love" emits for me a sense of "YOU CAN DO IT" and "It will all be okay."

I need that right now.

I stopped off at this CC's on the way to church, because I am extremely early, to seek escape for a minute. It's HER. I am frustrated that my stomach still knots up when she acts difficult. I hate this. At least we are apart and over, and I don't have to go home and live in the middle of all that anymore.

I am growing increasingly gunshy... or whatever the word would be... in other words, I don't feel like trusting again, anytime soon. Another relationship, for me, is a distant concept I am not rushing to attain. I'm in a state of "LEEEEEAVE ME ALOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!!!!" and am quite contented to stay right the freak here for awhile.

Just leave me alone. Leave me alone, and let me breathe and center myself. It's going to take a good long while, so you might as well go find something else to do instead of waiting around. I will let you know when I'm ready to come out again.

Maybe.

Tired But Glad

I should not be tired yet; I haven't started. But it's ok. Today is officially a no-pressure day. I am at Starbucks. My vehicle in the parking lot is full of boxes, furniture and cleaning supplies.

I'm starting to move in to my new place.

I'm so glad. The transition will be tough, but most transitions are.

My brother is helping me tomorrow with the big stuff.

Then when I get the power turned on, it's a done deal. I'm in like Flynn. haha

Me and Luna... if my friends let me take her... they're threatening to keep her. Kathy and Julia. Awesome, incredible friends that I wish I could just hug for a couple of YEARS and that might begin to express how much I appreciate and care for them.

Onward. Outta this chair and on to accomplish... whatever I end up getting done today.

I am so glad to be single, and to be able to have my own space. That might change in time, but I'm not rushing... just gonna live my life awhile and enjoy breathing air and absorbing sunshine. :)

Freedom

Today I am pissed. Today I am angry and sick of holding it in.

Last night, I cried so hard I was coughing and could not go to sleep until after 1 a.m.

No more.

I don't care. That's a lie... I do care. I don't WANT to care.

But I am taking actions in the DIRECTION of not caring. I posted on facebook that I am through being concerned about whether or not something will make someone angry. I have lived my LIFE trying my damnedest to NOT MAKE PEOPLE MAD... my dad, Angela, Mandie, Carrie... and others in-between... it is a WASTE of time and energy and I am THROUGH.

When I dated Mandie, who cheated on me OVER and OVER and OVER again, always promising not to again, yet always doing it again, I reached a conclusion. Cheating is a CHARACTER TRAIT. It is not an isolated behavioral incident. Cheaters cheat. Liars lie.

And people who get angry easily... will GET ANGRY ALL THE DAMN TIME, no matter what I do or don't do or how I try to alter my being or my tone or what the hell ever, to appease them.

No appropriate words. I'm through.

I have some very good friends in this world, and I plan to concentrate on them, and maybe on finding even more like them.

I do not need negative jerks in my life.

FREEDOM... I can see it... just trying to make it all the way there. I believe I can. :)

Letting Go

So... the topic tonight was Letting Go. I had a lot of thoughts during the meeting. One of the first things said, read from a book, was that we will be amazed that pain goes away when we "let go."

It was said in a number of different ways that we should let go; that we needed to focus on taking care of ourselves instead of worrying about other people's lives. I said, at one point, that I felt guilty for letting go.

I do. I feel guilty for just leaving. For just cutting off my caring for her like the flipping of a light switch. I feel like a real ass for that.

But she hurt me. When she was drunk, she was irrational, argumentative and just MEAN. And there was no end, until she fell asleep... or "passed out," however you want to say it.

I lived with that for THREE YEARS. I took it, and took it, and made do, and even addressed the issue with her on more than one occasion, and received apologies and hugs, and it happened again, and on, and on, and on... and finally... I had ENOUGH.

I will never forget. The few weeks before I decided to leave, she was drinking more often than usual, drinking MORE than usual, and getting drunker than usual... and she was stressed, which usually led to her drinking more... and she was angry, and she was angry at me. We had a few issues between us, that had been bobbing on the surface for a week or two. And when she drank, she was ALL ABOUT those issues, and she was right, and I was wrong no matter what I said. Even when I swallowed my self-respect and apologized when I didn't feel I owed whatever specific apology, she was still mad.

She said to me one night, you probably think I'm gonna hit you... I wouldn't hit you; you're not WORTH IT.

She started accusing me of "f'ing around" on her (did not use appropriate words). Then one night, when she decided I had been gone too long, she took a shower and got all prettied up to go see a guy near where we lived.

Pushing, pushing, pushing... and then... one night she was drunk, and bitching at me, and I told her, "I can't live like this!" She said I might need to leave, or something like that, and I said fine, I will, and she said fine, leave.

I was so sick of letting her drunken statements just slide under the rug... I decided to leave.

Of course she had forgotten that by the next day. So I reminded her. And now she, I think someone told me, has posted on facebook that I texted her on her way to work and told her I was leaving. That is true, but I was just REMINDING her of what she and I together had decided the night before.

Just because she doesn't remember what goes on when she's drunk, doesn't mean that I am supposed to act like I don't either.

She didn't apologize. She didn't express any desire for me to stay... instead, I believe her exact words were, "If you walk out again, I'm not taking you back."

In other words, fine, leave, and just know it's your fault and we will never be together again.

SO.

I'm trying to let go. I'm trying to move on with my life and leave her behind. It hurts. It is very hard and feels very unnatural. I feel like an ass for just packing up and leaving.

And I'm supposed to let go.

I know better than to try to initiate a conversation. I HATE arguing with her. She is a mean arguer; she is vicious and mean and ruthless. I hate arguing with ANYBODY, to tell the truth. But I'm not seeking out that degree of argument. Nothing profitable has ever come of that. I hate it.

I hate that someone told me she was posting about dating someone... and I don't want to know the rest; I didn't even need to know that. Every time I am told anything about her, I have to get out of wherever I am, and I sob. Every time I talk about her, it wrings out my heart like a washcloth. She TEXTED me last night to ask about the code to get into our storage unit... I answered her... and then I cried.

Letting go is mean. Letting go feels horrible.

I could bow up and recite all the reasons I have for being mad at her... all the things she's done that hurt my feelings... but it doesn't amount to much compared to the big load of pain and pure wretchedness I feel.

I'm angry. I'm hurt. There is no quick fix for this unfixable situation.

There is nothing I could say that holds any value. I don't like living with drunk HER. I loved living with sober, nice HER. I feel like I should have given her an ultimatum, or a deadline... but I just packed up and left. No discussion. No nothing.

I wonder if she hurts. I'm sure she does some, but if she's dating, then there are no appropriate words. And if she's dating a GUY, I'm not sorry at all!

I'm broken. And I'm shutting up now.

Detachment

Went to another Al-Anon meeting last night. Felt a little less out of place when a lady there said she moved out from her alcoholic and THEN started going to meetings, like 31 years ago.

I cried. I told them I'd left, that I'd moved out and felt horrible and guilty and angry and afraid. And they all seemed to understand. I also told them I missed my cats and was afraid I'd never get any of them back. I tried to make light of it by laughing, but no one laughed. I felt stupid.

I learned something about myself during that meeting. This chick who sat near me went on and on about her own very troubling story. At the end of it, she turned to me and said, "And I just want to say to you, cats are not kids."

I had to stand up for myself, was my thought. So I said quietly, "I didn't say they were." I thought she was one of those people who are all snooty ass toward people who see their pets as children.

She said, "No, I meant, you don't have kids to worry about; it was right to get out of there; take care of YOU."

I understood, but I was still a little ruffled.

Then I felt guilty. I began calculating how, after the meeting, I could approach the chick in a lighthearted way to let her know it was okay; I wasn't mad at her.

The group continued discussing detachment.

And it hit me... I didn't owe this woman ANYTHING! I don't even remember her name for pete's sake. I tried, sitting there, to "detach" myself from my feelings of obligation to her. Obligation??!?!?? I don't even KNOW this woman, and I'm sitting there feeling like I need to make sure she understands I'm not mad at her!

What's more, SHE's the one who pissed ME off!! And I was angry at myself. Because that's what I did with my HER... I went above and beyond to make sure she didn't think I was mad at her... even when I had a right to be.

That is so exhausting.

I want to read up more on detachment. I need to learn more about that.

I have also learned to say "my alcoholic" and not give a gender label to the person I left. It keeps that more MY business... and keeps me from being as nervous. Though, along the lines of the detachment principles, I guess I shouldn't give a flying fuck what ANY of them might think about my being a lesbian. I need to detach from that.

Al-Anon is presenting me with concepts of making life SIMPLER. I like that. I also like that there are SO many meetings in SO many places... it's rare, I think, that you would run into the same person twice in a row, in close enough space of time for either of you to remember what the other said recently anyway.

DETACH. *sigh*

Oh yeah... a few other things... the chick who pissed me off did say a few really good things while she was sharing:

-The 3 C's... I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CONTROL it, and I can't CURE it,

-Frothy Emotional Appeal seldom suffices. Meaning, you can plead and cajole and beg and butter up, and it still just won't work.

And that's that. Geeeeeeeeeeez. Life is pretty good and I'm getting a little better as I go along.

And the green grass grows all around all around, the green grass grows all around

Went to an AlAnon meeting this morning. Recognized one face there from the only other meeting I've attended. Wanted to get down some of the things I learned and thoughts I had.

1- Acceptance does not have to equate to approval.

Acceptance was the topic at the other meeting I went to. I have been trying valiantly to accept... she drinks, I cannot change this, this is how she is... and I felt guilty when I'd had enough and left. But I guess I also need to accept my own feelings... that I was sick and tired of putting up with her behavior when she was drinking, and accept my own choice to leave.

2- Suit up and show up

That is a very good premise. Reminds me of the ethic I learned from Gerri, who would not miss work unless she was dead or close to being so.

3- Don't have a header for this one... I need to figure out who *I* am. And I need to BE who I am. I don't want to ever again be in a relationship where I have to reshape my SELF to accomodate the relationship.

Then again, that might be part of the whole relationship concept...each give a little, sacrifice here and there, to become one.

I don't know if I am capable of that at this point in my life. I don't know where to draw a line; I will give this much and no more, etc. I don't know if there SHOULD be a line... or else I obsess over whether I'm adhering to the principles I've laid out in effort to maintain my SELF. I don't know, consequently, if striving to maintain self is self-ISH.

So I get all bogged down in all these thoughts...

When she and I first were together, her phrase commonly was, "Baby, I'm EASY!" Meaning, we could do whatever, change plans, just do whatever, she was a total easy-goer. Turned out not to be so, to my perception. Or time brought changes, who knows.

I am going to try to stop focusing on feeling guilty for leaving. Guilty for not discussing it with her when she was sober. Going to try to stop imagining that conversation may or may not have played out. Gonna try really hard to leave it alone, "just for today," and focus on me.

From this point forward, being the best person I can.

I have this dream of a nice home or apartment, me & Luna and maybe a cat or two, in our own little world. I will live my own life, do what I need to do for me and for us, and not complicate things by incorporating another person. Not for a long time. As long as I can hold out, ha...

I would just love to have FRIENDS to spend time with. Friends to go places with and have fun with, then go our separate ways afterward.

I'm kind of soured on the concept of relationships right now, and think I'd pretty much rather just get on my feet financially and live MY own life for awhile. A LONG while. Maybe always... who knows. To focus on my relationship with God and my relationship with myself. Maybe start running again. Get some stuff paid off and build a savings. Who knows.

I'm sorry I hurt you... I'm pretty sure this did hurt you... but you hurt me too. I got tired of that. Over and over and over, absorbing your verbal blows that you claimed not to remember the next day. I got tired of trying to excuse it with, "Well, she was drunk... she didn't really mean that." That is not fair to ME. I told you that. You so seldom apologized to me for anything, and apologies you did offer seemed half-hearted after having been coerced by me.

I'm sorry I hurt you, but you so very much hurt me!!! Now was as good a time as any for this craziness to end. I hope you focus on yourself, get yourself better, and have a good, better future. All the best and a sincere love to you....................

From Me.

Chain of Fools

I left her. Yesterday. Moved back to BR with Luna. Left her and RJ and all the cats... I miss the cats.

Breakups SUCK. They are horrible and awful and I wish they could just be clean and done. Gerri was the best breakup associate I have ever dealt with. I have not appreciated that enough until now.

So she contacts me about money for the cell phones, about things she wants back, etc... and every time my entire insides just crunch up and leak sour acid. Picture a car battery that has a brake rotor from and 18-wheeler dropped on it. That's the closest comparison I can make.

But it was so very nice to go to sleep in a peaceful house with no one drunk, no accusations flying, no cursing, no anger... it was also nice not to have to drive an hour and a half to get to work this morning. It was ALSO nice to be able to GET to work on way less than a quarter tank of gas.

I don't miss her. Not yet; I'm sure I will. Right now, though, I am angry, and I am anxious of her... kind of afraid maybe?? Scared of words, not of physical blows. Words hurt almost more, it seems sometimes. She uses mean, vicious, dagger-like words... cut-to-the-bone words. Go-for-the-jugular words.

I miss my cats so much. Where I'm staying now, I can't have them. And I doubt she would ever give them to me later... I especially miss my sweet Hippie. He is my favorite cat, and I would whisper it to him all the time.

This breakup is a final breakup... no more trying again, no more being the definition of crazy... it's over and it's for the best. It just hurts SOOOOO bad!!! Last time, my heart was torn over thinking, 'But she was THE ONE... my forever "one"!' I don't feel that way anymore. She is mean, mean, mean, and far too soppy with Vodka and Bourbon. And when those factors are combined, look out.

Anyway.

Just needed to get that out.

Scary

Life is hard. It can be scary. When things happen that have happened before, that were scary every time before, yet still hurt when they happen again. It makes me so angry. Yet I am trying to accept the things I cannot change. Praying for the serenity to do so. It is not easy. I am angry. I am tired and getting more and more worn out.

I feel pathetic just to be grateful the anger has passed. Is that weak? Like, if things could just stay "okay," I would be okay with that. But that, too, is something I have no control over.

I know, without something dramatic and just short of a miracle, this will NEVER get any better. So I hang around and put up with every time it happens, wondering if and when enough will be enough.

In other news, Charlie Sheen is a total ass-wipe. More news after this.

Livin' in the Big D

Right now I am having a major MISSING DALLAS moment. Sitting here in this Starbucks does it to me... HA- well I probably associate Starbucks with Dallas... as much time as I spent in SB while I lived there.

I miss the sense of freedom... the enormous city with so much to explore... no boundaries and no limits (well, once I got rid of Mandie........ GRRRRRRRRRRRRR...)

Freedom and opportunity and huge, tall buildings and the running trail made over the old railroad track... and Aisha and Rose and Jessica and Jen and Angela and Virginia and Kristin and Scot and JourneyOut and TROY... and going to Bellini's with a group of friends after church on Wednesday nights... and Sue Ellen's and Ciao Bella... and Gerri... we had some good times. Also some horrible times, and it was right for that relationship to end... but the good times will remain good memories.

But, if I had the chance to move somewhere, I would not move BACK to Dallas. I would move to a NEW city, new horizons, new opportunities and new explorations to dive into.

I long for that. Maybe someday. LONG for it, do ya hear me?? LOL

Never know what tomorrow holds. You just never know! I do know this - God is all about giving us the desires of our heart! And He knows BETTER than I do, what will totally strike that sweet spot for me. :)

The Jesus Thing

Hippie is sitting in my lap as I type this. Sweet lil boy. :)

So, we had a minor disagreement this evening. We had met, there disagreed, and drove home separately.

The whole drive home, I defended myself verbally "to her" while I was in the car alone. I laid out the whole case, why I was right, and even added a few things she'd done before that *I* hadn't liked.

But deep down, the truth was, I knew I had been in the wrong. A few points on the topic could have gone one way or the other; just details... but the underlying fact was that I was wrong.

I got home, brought Luna outside on her leash. She got home and we made pleasant small talk. I was feeling frustrated, and a little guilty.

So I was walking Luna, going over my points with God in a hushed voice. All of a sudden, I caught a breathed reminder in my mind... because I have been praying lately, "Lord, let me be more like You. Let my life be a reflection of You. Make me more like You." etc. And I said, "Oh yeah, Lord! The Jesus thing!!"

Suddenly my whole attitude changed. All this prayer to be more like God, and there I was screwing up a major "WWJD" moment. My attitude lightened up, I felt positive, and I went home and delivered a thorough, sincere apology.

And things rolled right back on track. I'm a little sleepy and I don't know if this is coming out right, but it was good. God is very good, and on my side even when I'm wrong... helping me make it right. Awesome.

Foxapalooza

I told Carrie I was having a Fox News overload. Her response? "Well I'm not even watchin' it!" YES BUT IT'S ON. *sigh*

I say that with a hint of humor. That's our thing; that's our way. We're alright.

It's almost 8 on a Saturday morning and, like Carrie said earlier, that kind of is sleeping in when you're used to getting up at 5. Though, like she also said, 9:30 would be more like it.

Looks like it rained last night. It's not SUPPOSED to rain any more... at least not for awhile... and yes I'm pouting, but we had a long string of horrible weather... freezing cold and lots of mud. The weather people were saying it was going to stay pretty for awhile. I hope it brightens up today.

There's a parade tonight called the Krewe of Vieux. It's like Spanish Town; makes light pokes at political figures. I kind of want to go but moreso want to go to church tomorrow. I am going to church, period. We have had to miss 2 weeks bc of not having the gas money. I got paid yesterday. I'm goin to church tomorrow. :)

A lot has happened since I last blogged. Egypt ousted its dictator president, now almost all of the middle east countries want to do the same. Also, now all the teachers in Madison, WI are having a big protest party because their state government wants them to BEGIN paying six percent of their health insurance premiums. As opposed to paying nothing, like they are used to. Get the hell over it. Be grateful you HAVE a job and have insurance. Not everyone can say that.

I'm sick of hearing about WI on the news, is my point.

My latest musical fascination is Adele. WOW. Tie my heart in a knot, man... it's not even a physical attraction; I'm just enamoured by her voice.

Her songs make me want to write more music. :)

Once Was a Friend

Awful dream last night. Involved Lisa Yohn being very sinister and mean to me because I'm a lesbian. Calling me dirty, telling me to stay away from her because I was so nasty. That hurt me so badly. I was proud and strong about my identity... just taken by surprise and truly shocked.

But she was just another one. Another Lisa my sister, another my mom, another Wendy and Casey. Just another. And I will not change or bend; it just hurts, every one after another after the next.

I'm so sick of it, and it's tiring. I'm resentful deep down underneath. The anger is affecting my life and it has to go. I asked God to take the anger and replace it with love. I need that desperately.

River Rat

Yes, I truly feel like a genuine river rat now. We have moved into the lovely area known as LaPlace. Very close to Newco and something along the lines of New Narby. We live right on the river road, looking out the window at the levee to the great Mississippi River.

Our accommodations are somewhat less than glamorous. This is a one-bedroom mobile home with scratched, squeaky floors, gaps between the tops of the bedroom and bathroom doors and their respective ceilings, scratched paneling and complete with the stereotypically appropriate, yes, aluminum foil on the bottom halves of all the windows.

BUT!! It's actually nice. It's C and me and alllllllll our kids under one roof which is much bigger than the extended stay hotel room we had thought we might end up living in for a few months. There is no one unwelcome and no on-site judgmentalism.

No more sloppy, no more sink full of chummy dishes, no more "Can I borrow your car to drive to Murphy's to pay for a pack of cigarettes with $3 in change?" No more lazy anything to resent.

I do miss Abel. A lot. But I think I'm gonna stay away from the homestead for awhile, outside of going to collect the rest of my belongings, at least until my family expresses any faint degree of interest in where I went, where I am living, and if I am ok.

They won't. I don't think. But whatever.

I wish I could have contact with my sweet nephews and not have to go through my family to get to them. But that's just how things work, which is logical... just expressing a feeling.

Another drawback is the length of my commute to and from work and the cost of gasoline to do that... but it will all work out, in the words of my wonderfully sweet Ma-Ma.

Good points: access and proximity to the previously-mentioned levee, a new, totally new area to live in and explore with my sweet Luna, weekly rent to be split with C, distance from my family and all the crap that comes with them (though I do love them... just need some space), AND the close-by Bonne Carre Spillway. We can sho have some fun down by the water, yes indeed!

I have to change my facebook name now... from Stray Cat to River Rat. hahaha

Love it. Life is good. Today, life is good. Gonna take this one day at a time and let each day be good on its own. Worrying too far into the future is way too heavy.

She's Back!!

Yesssss indeed... I had another Mariska dream last night. I was actually having it this morning when my alarm was going off. I kept snoozing because it was just... absolutely wonderful.

We were together off and on, like she would be there with me awhile and then gone... but then come back. I was keeping her camera for her and I got so excited about peeking at a few of her pictures while she'd be away. But not very much because I didn't want her to catch me and think I was weird.

Actually Detective Stabler (right, I know...) was there with me when Mariska was gone. He was helping me look for her.

She was so glad to be with me... like fresh, new love... it was exciting! She would walk up to me, hold me firmly and say, "I want to kiss you like no one's kissed you before!" WOW... it was amazing.

Everything in the dream was... clothed... but that added to the excitement of it all. Because what you haven't had is that much more exciting. Come to think of it... Mariska and I have never had sex in a dream. Only kissed, talked, held each other, and kissed more. Hmm... I need to research that. Probably says something about my subconcious whateverness.

She said at one point she liked me better butch. No one has ever said that... in fact, everyone I've dated has been very against me butching it up. They've always been all for long hair and all that. But Mariska said she thought it would be hot if I was more butch. And I cut my hair and styled it all hot, and she just about turned to BUTTAH. It was aMAZing. And I was actually taller than her, which I'm really not because she's a very tall woman. So I took her on my arm, all debonair, and strode around with my sexy, starry-eyed lady.

She is so beautiful.

Maybe these dreams represent things I really wish for but think I can never actually have. Well, you know, I don't care. I just love when she visits me at night, and loves me and kisses me and holds me close.

It makes me want to stay asleep. Always. :)

Coffee-Dropping

Not a whole lot like Mallory. She's more... that's how she comes off. Like does she know guys... we should go there!

We'll figure it out.

For now. Until somebody cheats on someone. Always. It's kinda therapeutic though.

I like that only on Fridays cause I've had that drive all my life.

--------------------------
Okay my interesting table neighbors left. Now sitting at their table is an attractive woman who KIND of dings my dar... but who knows.

So much for that project. On to more interesting ways to spend time.

Oh, I did have an interview today. For a job with Honeywell, although it turned out to be temp and not perm. I want a permanent job SO BADLY!! I have been temping for TWO YEARS. But this job does pay well. Better than anything I've had before except for the Road Home. I don't know.

Ooh nice... dar girl had another cutie sit at the table with her. Nice. I am so envious of these women who are apparently in my age range but have kept so much better care of themselves than I have. It all boils down to, I've been lazy.

But I'm not going out running or biking tonight, no way! It is getting down into the 20's tonight and several nights this week! Wow that girl is cute. She's got the makeup thing down pat. I'm not so good with makeup. Never really have been. But that's why she is her and I am me... we are different. I bet there are things I have she wishes for. Like my wonderful pets and the incredible love I know!

Why anyone would want a man when women are so beautiful is beyond me. Just sayin'... :-)

Out With the Old

Church today. It was pretty good! The message was "Out With the Old, In With the New." Really stuck with me and I hope I continue to understand it even more deeply.

Blah blah. I don't feel really happy right now but at least I'm by myself so I don't have to ACT happy. Except Luna is out in the car. But she's a dog. Anyway.

Out with the old, in with the new... my mom did give me a journal for Christmas...

haha

Bye for now.