Right now, in that regard, I feel more OUTSIDE of love.
But there is another kind of love that always is and always stays around, with, and in me... God's love.
And before I start sounding like some cheesy contemporary Christian hit, fear not, there yet remains a bit of an "edge" to this story.
"Edge" as in, not all darling and fluffy and pink hearts and Easter bunnies.
"Edge" as in real life. The real world, the one I live in every day.
Breakups are never, ever pretty... at least, not from my experience. My last breakup, while far from being my ugliest, was certainly not one of the simplest I've ever endured. Not was... is... because I am still enduring it.
I am still sorting through it, figuring out what to do with odds and ends of emotional leftovers and shreds of feelings, memories, and a lot of anger. Anger is both terrifying and disarming. I don't know quite what to do with it. SHE does not make me cry much anymore, but anger does. Plenty.
So I am still going through this breakup... and she, apparently, has already moved on. On to the next one. Three years of "I love you forever," two months of anger and hurt, then like a blob of projectile vomit bursts a new significant other onto the scene.
I feel suspended in midair... not sure whether to be furious, to be hurt, or to laugh at the utter hilarity of it all... because this girl is everything my ex always told me she could not STAND. Not to mention she lives about 13 hours away. Whatever.
That's my out... "Whatever...".
I will say this, though... about 2 years ago, my ex got herself in quite a stinky bind and I totally laid my neck on the line for her. The matter is still not resolved... and, legally, I am still responsible for making sure she fulfills her part of the deal in resolving this whole issue. I am, as my police officer friend put it, "Stuck like Chuck." Very true.
Very scary!! Because Chuck, in this situation, is very stuck in a VERY uncomfortable place! And the past few days, I've increased my level of worrying from "kind of" to "almost obsessing". Not good.
I'm tired of trying to write this like a cute little story. Sum it up: I am mad. PISSED. And I don't trust her a bit, and less so by the day.
But threatening her has never worked for me; threats just make her angry and give her ideas of worse things to do.
I feel like a walking version of "The Scream" by Edvard Munch.
But I felt inside today that God was telling me to trust Him... I can't control this situation, but He can. And He will. I just need to keep praying over it and trust Him.
And, in the meantime, I am to conduct myself toward her with God's love. Because Love conquers all... and because that's how God would have me behave toward anyone, anytime, regardless of the extenuating circumstances.
Seacrest out.
