I have this friend… from a long time ago… that I just cannot figure out. I guess I should not be so worried about “figuring her out” because, really, I guess her life is none of my business.
But I seem to be magnetically drawn toward frustration, so my mind is stuck.
When Carrie and I were together, I made a piece of art that represented my perception of her. It was a picture of a shadowed door, long unopened, with scraggly tree branches hanging down in front of it. Because I never felt like I could really get a good understanding of what was going on inside her. I think I’ve felt that way about most people in my life, actually.
“I CAN’T KNOW!!”
A constant grinding to know more, to understand more, to dissect to the point of splitting apart neutrons and protons…
I think I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I wonder why. Woops, there I go again… I think I wonder why more than anyone I know.
I wonder why that is… haha just kidding…
Here’s my theory on me: I think it goes back to some deep craving and yearning to know and to be known. On the deepest level of emotional intimacy.
In a way, it’s been disappointing because I have never found anyone who wanted to know me as deeply as I wanted to know them. But maybe that’s just… maybe they’re right, and I’m strange. Actually, I bet if anyone came nosing around my business the way my brain noses around the business of other people… I would think they were a freak. I would probably get the creeps toward them and avoid them like a bad germ.
So I guess I’m a bad germ. :)
It’s psychology and understanding and KNOWING… I feed on stuff like that. So why in the world didn’t I go into THAT when I was in college… dunno. A million reasons.
And here I sit, with a BA in Social Work and an MBA in Health Care Management, working as a receptionist for a petrochemical giant. I have to believe that God has plans I know not of… and that He is bigger than my weird, winding path of strange decisions.
I bet He knows why. :)
