Sittin here. Chillin. Relaxed, only a little self-conscious about my goozle but beyond that I am taking an intentional break. I'm not even letting myself type fast. If I tried to do stream-of-consciousness writing right now, my hands would probably blow up. Whatever.
I need a break. I am trying to not worry about my babies at home (Luna, Hippie & Liefje). I am sitting in Starbucks because I wanted to go somewhere I could relax and I could only envision here, in one of their comfy chairs, reading a book. Working on a good book lately - "First the Dead" by Tim Downs.
I want my own vehicle. I do not want to live in New Orleans. Not right now anyway. I like my job. I would like to live near my job but I don't know how Carrie would feel about that. We could do it; we could make it work like that. We have been... seeing each other on the weekends. It's actually a relief. I overstress myself all the time about what whoever is thinking or what they want or what they like or don't like. It's a break for me, to be able to care about someone and breathe freely at the same time. Relationships are work! This of course wraps around to me; it is something in ME that needs to change. My perception, my way of pressuring myself, etcetera. It's always my fault but I'm the one casting the blame, ha............
There is a guy at the table across this part of the room from me. I instantly assume he thinks I'm ugly. He probably isn't thinking anything about me at all. I am the one who's always thinking. Tooooooo much.
I laugh when I think of the people I'm not in touch with anymore because I got tired of dribbling the soccer ball of the flimsy friendship. If I have to make all the plans and initiate all the phone conversations etcetera, I will stop. If it's anything to them, they will take the ball and resume the game. If not, fuck it, I'll go sit down and take a break. I'm sick of being the one initiating contact and making plans.
I even do that with Carrie when I notice I'm the only one saying "I love you." I stop and wait until SHE says it. I deserve more than "I love you too." That is so empty to me sometimes. I want her to say she loves me because she thought of it. Not just in a reflex response. Once it took 3 days. She did apologize, which meant a lot. Nowadays things are better. Took some radical action to get here, and things are far from perfect, but whatever.
I might be about to leave. Not sure. Or I might read some more. This has been healthy for me; I have not just opened up my feelings like that in a very long time.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Mud Whirlwind
My brother. I am so perplexed and sick. I am coming here to let it out because I'm trying to not rock the boat too much. But that's just me... that's how I do life... other people do things that upset me and instead of speaking up for myself and my needs, I take it all inside and think hard how I can not make THEM angry yet somehow manage to salvage the meeting of my needs and my sub-important... dignity. Relationships, friendships, family... that's how I do it. I hate that about me. But now is not the time to worry about that. Now is the time to figure out my present circumstance.
That has been my usual next step, too, in situations like this. My needs are not being met. I cannot conceive a way to manage the situation without inciting presumable anger in the other party. Next step: Nicole leaves. That's been my life pattern, my life habit. Again, not good, but again, now is not the time to fix my entire life. Now is the time to handle my present situation, and save the project of fixing ME for later. Always later. It does need to happen, though, or I will continue to damage my own life and hurt those I truly care about.
He is quitting his good, F/T job where he makes decent money and has a company truck. To go and be a P/T chef making considerably less. Of course this does not make sense but seldom does his logic make sense to me. I have been staying at his house and driving his car to work. I am saving for my own vehicle. That is the only reason I am staying with him. I need a way to work.
He is so hard to get up in the morning. He says he will bring me to work but I foresee only struggles, lateness, and mounting frustration. Basically I don't want to depend on him to get me to work on time. I know him. It won't work. I don't trust him. Not even enough to feed my dog if I go out of town for the weekend; I always arrange with my other brother to stop by and feed her.
He could have kept this job a little longer, at least until I got my own vehicle. But what matters to him is HIM. I am resentful because I kept a horrible job I hated for a time out of devotion to my partner and our household. That is just the right thing to do. What about doing the right thing? I am so glad I was blessed to be a lesbian. Every hetero male example in my life falls SOOOOOOOO far short of what I have with my C. They just disgust me. Why women put up with that and desire that kind of life is beyond me.
I know of a little motel about 2 miles from my office. I can walk from there or even take my bike. I need to find out their pet policy and what it would cost, and I might be moving next week. He makes me sick right now. He is an asshole to so many people in so many ways... trust me, I can't list them because *I* have to go to my *JOB* that I am grateful to have. Because I am a responsible lesbian adult. Ha... that is a triple plus! LOL *sigh*
Like Ma-Ma says... "It'll all work out." Truer words were never spoken. <3
That has been my usual next step, too, in situations like this. My needs are not being met. I cannot conceive a way to manage the situation without inciting presumable anger in the other party. Next step: Nicole leaves. That's been my life pattern, my life habit. Again, not good, but again, now is not the time to fix my entire life. Now is the time to handle my present situation, and save the project of fixing ME for later. Always later. It does need to happen, though, or I will continue to damage my own life and hurt those I truly care about.
He is quitting his good, F/T job where he makes decent money and has a company truck. To go and be a P/T chef making considerably less. Of course this does not make sense but seldom does his logic make sense to me. I have been staying at his house and driving his car to work. I am saving for my own vehicle. That is the only reason I am staying with him. I need a way to work.
He is so hard to get up in the morning. He says he will bring me to work but I foresee only struggles, lateness, and mounting frustration. Basically I don't want to depend on him to get me to work on time. I know him. It won't work. I don't trust him. Not even enough to feed my dog if I go out of town for the weekend; I always arrange with my other brother to stop by and feed her.
He could have kept this job a little longer, at least until I got my own vehicle. But what matters to him is HIM. I am resentful because I kept a horrible job I hated for a time out of devotion to my partner and our household. That is just the right thing to do. What about doing the right thing? I am so glad I was blessed to be a lesbian. Every hetero male example in my life falls SOOOOOOOO far short of what I have with my C. They just disgust me. Why women put up with that and desire that kind of life is beyond me.
I know of a little motel about 2 miles from my office. I can walk from there or even take my bike. I need to find out their pet policy and what it would cost, and I might be moving next week. He makes me sick right now. He is an asshole to so many people in so many ways... trust me, I can't list them because *I* have to go to my *JOB* that I am grateful to have. Because I am a responsible lesbian adult. Ha... that is a triple plus! LOL *sigh*
Like Ma-Ma says... "It'll all work out." Truer words were never spoken. <3
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Big, Easy Saturday
Yesterday after work I got Kevin to drop me off at a bus stop on N. Sherwood. Got there around 5:30. Finally got to my hotel at almost 8:30. Ha - hats off to the Baton Rouge Capital Area Transit System.
Checked into the Extended Stay at Citiplace. Walked over to On the Border and ate a beautiful steak burrito with a decent Strawberry Msrgarita. (yes Margaritas deserve to be capitalized LOL)
This morning I woke up at 3:10 a.m. and decided to just stay up. I had set my alarm for 3:30... this way I didn't have to rush at all and even had a time cushion.:)
At 4 I was outside waiting for my cab. He was right on time and straightaway took me to the Greyhound station. Later boarded the bus, slept as we drove through the dark, and now I am in New Orleans.
Walking is not fun today; my ankle is bothering me again. But if I just stop for a minute every so often, it's ok.
Sitting now in PJ's on Canal Street. I remember, when I was in college, thinking how I would love to explore Canal Street all by myself, and here I am.
Carrie and her mom are at a hotel on Decatur but I don't think I'm going there. There is much ground to cover!
Planning to limp around the Quarter (ha) and look in shops, or at least windows, until they open up. It's 7:30; shouldn't be too much longer.
Hoping today will be a good day!
Checked into the Extended Stay at Citiplace. Walked over to On the Border and ate a beautiful steak burrito with a decent Strawberry Msrgarita. (yes Margaritas deserve to be capitalized LOL)
This morning I woke up at 3:10 a.m. and decided to just stay up. I had set my alarm for 3:30... this way I didn't have to rush at all and even had a time cushion.:)
At 4 I was outside waiting for my cab. He was right on time and straightaway took me to the Greyhound station. Later boarded the bus, slept as we drove through the dark, and now I am in New Orleans.
Walking is not fun today; my ankle is bothering me again. But if I just stop for a minute every so often, it's ok.
Sitting now in PJ's on Canal Street. I remember, when I was in college, thinking how I would love to explore Canal Street all by myself, and here I am.
Carrie and her mom are at a hotel on Decatur but I don't think I'm going there. There is much ground to cover!
Planning to limp around the Quarter (ha) and look in shops, or at least windows, until they open up. It's 7:30; shouldn't be too much longer.
Hoping today will be a good day!
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