Went to another Al-Anon meeting last night. Felt a little less out of place when a lady there said she moved out from her alcoholic and THEN started going to meetings, like 31 years ago.
I cried. I told them I'd left, that I'd moved out and felt horrible and guilty and angry and afraid. And they all seemed to understand. I also told them I missed my cats and was afraid I'd never get any of them back. I tried to make light of it by laughing, but no one laughed. I felt stupid.
I learned something about myself during that meeting. This chick who sat near me went on and on about her own very troubling story. At the end of it, she turned to me and said, "And I just want to say to you, cats are not kids."
I had to stand up for myself, was my thought. So I said quietly, "I didn't say they were." I thought she was one of those people who are all snooty ass toward people who see their pets as children.
She said, "No, I meant, you don't have kids to worry about; it was right to get out of there; take care of YOU."
I understood, but I was still a little ruffled.
Then I felt guilty. I began calculating how, after the meeting, I could approach the chick in a lighthearted way to let her know it was okay; I wasn't mad at her.
The group continued discussing detachment.
And it hit me... I didn't owe this woman ANYTHING! I don't even remember her name for pete's sake. I tried, sitting there, to "detach" myself from my feelings of obligation to her. Obligation??!?!?? I don't even KNOW this woman, and I'm sitting there feeling like I need to make sure she understands I'm not mad at her!
What's more, SHE's the one who pissed ME off!! And I was angry at myself. Because that's what I did with my HER... I went above and beyond to make sure she didn't think I was mad at her... even when I had a right to be.
That is so exhausting.
I want to read up more on detachment. I need to learn more about that.
I have also learned to say "my alcoholic" and not give a gender label to the person I left. It keeps that more MY business... and keeps me from being as nervous. Though, along the lines of the detachment principles, I guess I shouldn't give a flying fuck what ANY of them might think about my being a lesbian. I need to detach from that.
Al-Anon is presenting me with concepts of making life SIMPLER. I like that. I also like that there are SO many meetings in SO many places... it's rare, I think, that you would run into the same person twice in a row, in close enough space of time for either of you to remember what the other said recently anyway.
DETACH. *sigh*
Oh yeah... a few other things... the chick who pissed me off did say a few really good things while she was sharing:
-The 3 C's... I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CONTROL it, and I can't CURE it,
-Frothy Emotional Appeal seldom suffices. Meaning, you can plead and cajole and beg and butter up, and it still just won't work.
And that's that. Geeeeeeeeeeez. Life is pretty good and I'm getting a little better as I go along.
