Jumpin' Jack Flash

Hello. Today is Memorial Day. I am over at Kathy and Julia's house. In a little while, we will go over to Mo and Mary Ellen's for some kind of barbecue event to which I was invited posthaste yesterday afternoon. It should be nice. My camera and I plan to explore the yard, pets, house, and whatever else catches our eye as interesting. The past few days, I've been more interested in photography.

I'm a little "blah" today... had a hard Carrie day yesterday. My life now is good as long as I have something to do, or as long as I'm asleep. haha... But the evening rounded out well with Avery and me having a swimming extravaganza in my parents' above-ground pool. Avery is the sweetest little boy in the world. He wrote two notes for me on his little green chalkboard when I was about to leave... first, "I love you" and then he had my mom help him spell out, "I don't want you to leave." What a heart-twister. He needs love and to be made to feel special because his bio parents are greatly lacking in that area. Sweet, sweet little guy. I love him with my whole heart.


God has put some really wonderful friends in my life... starting with Kathy and Julia, who have essentially allowed me to invade their conjoint life, any time I need to or just want to... also Melinda, how I love Melinda... she wrote me the kindest, most endearing text message yesterday after I left church all bug-eyed from crying through the end of the service. And John, little John Dugan... so kind and so caring. I could go on but those are the ones that helped pull me through yesterday. God supplies what I need when I need it. And for that I am grateful.

And it's allllllllllll... riiiiiiiiiiiight... now. :)

Don't Be Afraid to Change Directions

Today finds Luna and myself out on the covered patio at CC's on Airline/Bluebonnet. It's a nice day as long as I'm in the shade. I am forever grateful for coffee shops with covered patios WITH electric outlets :)

Earlier, I was at my church, MCC-BR. Scheduled was a craft group, what my Baton Rouge Creativity Outlet has morphed into. No one showed up, which really didn't bother me because I decided to spend some time praying. Last week's service was so wonderful, and I want it to be like that again!

While praying, I felt an impression of God saying, "Don't be afraid to change directions." No expounding on that; just that sentence. I felt it was for me and also for the church, so I texted it to Pastor Keith. Now I will learn over time what it means for me, and he is free to explore it as he feels inclined. :) God is so good.

I know one thing that word meant for me- moving on from my former relationship, though it was and still is very hard, is going to have very good results in my life. I need to let go of the guilt, separate myself from the hurt, move forward and be open to 1) whatever God uses me for and 2) whatever new things/people God brings into my life.

I feel very relaxed today. Good; I needed that. And I love sitting here, listening to the traffic pass, feeling the wind, and having my sweet Lu at my side... with a water bowl for her should she take the notion to be thirsty. :)

Outside the Whistle Stop

Sitting here on the porch at the Whistle Stop Coffee Shop in Denham Springs. With my Luna, of course. :) It's a beautiful day, not even hot, and I am loving it out here.

Last night, I broke and sobbed and cried out to God, pleading, "HELP ME!!" Well, that's where it started. The time progressed to me just praying, me just listening, and then Selah joined the picture (my wonderful Alvarez acoustic guitar). Sang some, sang prayers, and listened some more.

I believe God can do the most for me and through me when I am out of my element. That's part of what I understood last night. I've always heard that He has lots of use for the broken. That there is hope for the broken, that He does not discard or give up on the broken, but that brokenness is a time when He can reach into us and make us stronger, make us brighter and BETTER.

Church this morning was amazing. I had asked the Holy Spirit to be with me, to help me, and God's presence was evident to me and to many others in the service.

I'd had to ask a friend for help with gas money to get to church, but was able to swallow my pride and just ask. God is teaching me to accept help, love, and gifts from others. I don't need to argue or feel guilty. God can give His love to me via other people. I had an understanding of that last night.

For the past month or so, I've served as a prayer partner at the end of the service. Sometimes, with all I've been going through lately, I've felt grumbly at the thought of giving to others while I, myself, was hurting so badly. But God has helped me to separate ME from giving... one has nothing to do with the other.

Also today, while I was praying with people, a lady came up and said she just wanted to give me a hug and hopefully get some of the God she saw in me. I gave her a big hug and cried a little after she left, while gaining this understanding: When I am broken, God shines through the cracks.

I am trying to turn a corner with my life. So far so good. I hope to make this blog an outlet for things that will help other people as I learn them. Going through and cleaning it up a bit... ha... and some places where I had used bad language, I replaced with "no appropriate words" because, truly, there were not APPROPRIATE words for how I was feeling when I wrote whatever it was. :)

God is so good and I am grateful when He uses me to show love to people. I just need to keep my head on and not get overwhelmed. It's been a tedious balance for me in the past.

Going see my Ma-Ma now. :) Sweetest lady in the world.

Funeral

**This is an older post from the middle of April. I found it in my drafts then published it, not thinking that the original date would not show up correctly. So anyway... here it is:**

My grandfather's funeral was today. I hated it. I hated the whole thing, the uncomfortable atmosphere, the fake smiles and forced hugs... didn't care much for most of the people there... I could've just done without the whole thing.

I will miss him. He was a good man. A GOOD, good man.

I hated the stupid, recorded, female old-church voice that sang 2 hymns in the service and I hated the Irish-sounding recorded male voice that sang the third.

I hated that the ministers who delivered the service stumbled over their words like they barely knew him or at least didn't prepare for what they were going to say.

I hated feeling responsible for my cousin, who seemed mad but whatever, she's seemed mad our whole lives. Probably plays into my feeling responsible for making sure people aren't mad... has messed up a good bit of my adult life. She wanted us to speak together in the service. At first, I'd told her I would. Then I changed my mind. So she decided she wasn't going to speak either, then. THEN she seemed mad. Whatever. Who cares. I am so tired of caring, I could vomit.

I hated the stupid group pictures somebody decided we should take... who takes pictures at funeral receptions?? That's not something you celebrate and memorialize!! I mean for Pete's sake. And I didn't want to be in the stupid pictures. But I let them force me. So then I was mad because my boundaries had been violated.

When I left I told my mom bye and just left. I walked out the door just like I was going get something out of my car... and I got in it and left.

Had to get out of there.

**SCREAM**

Yeah. So that about sums it up. I think when I get off work I'm going to go for a run... lest my head explode.

How can *I* be still ruminating over the shards of this relationship and *SHE* is all hippity-skippity, goin hit it with a new girl this weekend!!

I could vomit.

The river is getting higher and higher... the literal river, not a figurative comparison. The Mississippi River is gonna flood the hell outta this area very soon. And Miss Smarty Pants is going out of town this weekend. "Oh I'm gonna be sooooooo worried about the pets while I'm gone!" Right. If she was that concerned, she would stay home.

The 3 years we were together, making love was like a scarce, random reward. By her call. And now she's going party all over Pensacola.

No appropriate words.

Love

I have been IN love...

Right now, in that regard, I feel more OUTSIDE of love.

But there is another kind of love that always is and always stays around, with, and in me... God's love.

And before I start sounding like some cheesy contemporary Christian hit, fear not, there yet remains a bit of an "edge" to this story.

"Edge" as in, not all darling and fluffy and pink hearts and Easter bunnies.

"Edge" as in real life. The real world, the one I live in every day.

Breakups are never, ever pretty... at least, not from my experience. My last breakup, while far from being my ugliest, was certainly not one of the simplest I've ever endured. Not was... is... because I am still enduring it.

I am still sorting through it, figuring out what to do with odds and ends of emotional leftovers and shreds of feelings, memories, and a lot of anger. Anger is both terrifying and disarming. I don't know quite what to do with it. SHE does not make me cry much anymore, but anger does. Plenty.

So I am still going through this breakup... and she, apparently, has already moved on. On to the next one. Three years of "I love you forever," two months of anger and hurt, then like a blob of projectile vomit bursts a new significant other onto the scene.

I feel suspended in midair... not sure whether to be furious, to be hurt, or to laugh at the utter hilarity of it all... because this girl is everything my ex always told me she could not STAND. Not to mention she lives about 13 hours away. Whatever.

That's my out... "Whatever...".

I will say this, though... about 2 years ago, my ex got herself in quite a stinky bind and I totally laid my neck on the line for her. The matter is still not resolved... and, legally, I am still responsible for making sure she fulfills her part of the deal in resolving this whole issue. I am, as my police officer friend put it, "Stuck like Chuck." Very true.

Very scary!! Because Chuck, in this situation, is very stuck in a VERY uncomfortable place! And the past few days, I've increased my level of worrying from "kind of" to "almost obsessing". Not good.

I'm tired of trying to write this like a cute little story. Sum it up: I am mad. PISSED. And I don't trust her a bit, and less so by the day.

But threatening her has never worked for me; threats just make her angry and give her ideas of worse things to do.

I feel like a walking version of "The Scream" by Edvard Munch.

But I felt inside today that God was telling me to trust Him... I can't control this situation, but He can. And He will. I just need to keep praying over it and trust Him.

And, in the meantime, I am to conduct myself toward her with God's love. Because Love conquers all... and because that's how God would have me behave toward anyone, anytime, regardless of the extenuating circumstances.

Seacrest out.

I Used to Live Here...

Wow. I'm sitting in PJ's in Hammond. I did; I totally lived here while I was in college. Amazing. When I'd bought my drink, I walked around the store a little bit, remembering the old and taking in the new.

I just want to come absorb myself into Hammond one Saturday soon. Great big memories in this little town. Sweet.

Tonight, I am in town to meet Carrie... it's kind of a halfway point between LaPlace and Denham Springs. She is going to give me $200 to go toward Hippie's vet treatment tomorrow. We are both praying so hard his leg is healing and won't have to be amputated. 2 weeks ago, it looked like it would've had to be. But time has passed, he has dwelt in a kennel and patiently endured... to give it some time to hopefully heal. The angle of the fracture was not one that would have benefitted from a cast or splint. We were told he needed a rod inserted into his bone marrow... and that would have cost the same as a crappy used car, which neither of us could possibly afford right now.

So we have prayed and waited, and tomorrow morning is the vet appointment where God has a great big ol' chance to shine!!! (PLEASE!!) Hanging on to faith...! :)

I want to move to Asheville, NC. I want to set a goal for that. Get my finances straight, save up some money, find a job there and GO! It will probably take a few years but I can do it if I concentrate and make it a priority. Make a list of steps. Anything is possible.

PLUS, it's another good reason not to get involved in a RELATIONSHIP!!NOT that I want one, AT ALL, but things have a way of sneaking up on us when we're not looking. Especially if we have other ambitions in mind. And by "we" of course I mean "me"... haha.........