So... the topic tonight was Letting Go. I had a lot of thoughts during the meeting. One of the first things said, read from a book, was that we will be amazed that pain goes away when we "let go."
It was said in a number of different ways that we should let go; that we needed to focus on taking care of ourselves instead of worrying about other people's lives. I said, at one point, that I felt guilty for letting go.
I do. I feel guilty for just leaving. For just cutting off my caring for her like the flipping of a light switch. I feel like a real ass for that.
But she hurt me. When she was drunk, she was irrational, argumentative and just MEAN. And there was no end, until she fell asleep... or "passed out," however you want to say it.
I lived with that for THREE YEARS. I took it, and took it, and made do, and even addressed the issue with her on more than one occasion, and received apologies and hugs, and it happened again, and on, and on, and on... and finally... I had ENOUGH.
I will never forget. The few weeks before I decided to leave, she was drinking more often than usual, drinking MORE than usual, and getting drunker than usual... and she was stressed, which usually led to her drinking more... and she was angry, and she was angry at me. We had a few issues between us, that had been bobbing on the surface for a week or two. And when she drank, she was ALL ABOUT those issues, and she was right, and I was wrong no matter what I said. Even when I swallowed my self-respect and apologized when I didn't feel I owed whatever specific apology, she was still mad.
She said to me one night, you probably think I'm gonna hit you... I wouldn't hit you; you're not WORTH IT.
She started accusing me of "f'ing around" on her (did not use appropriate words). Then one night, when she decided I had been gone too long, she took a shower and got all prettied up to go see a guy near where we lived.
Pushing, pushing, pushing... and then... one night she was drunk, and bitching at me, and I told her, "I can't live like this!" She said I might need to leave, or something like that, and I said fine, I will, and she said fine, leave.
I was so sick of letting her drunken statements just slide under the rug... I decided to leave.
Of course she had forgotten that by the next day. So I reminded her. And now she, I think someone told me, has posted on facebook that I texted her on her way to work and told her I was leaving. That is true, but I was just REMINDING her of what she and I together had decided the night before.
Just because she doesn't remember what goes on when she's drunk, doesn't mean that I am supposed to act like I don't either.
She didn't apologize. She didn't express any desire for me to stay... instead, I believe her exact words were, "If you walk out again, I'm not taking you back."
In other words, fine, leave, and just know it's your fault and we will never be together again.
SO.
I'm trying to let go. I'm trying to move on with my life and leave her behind. It hurts. It is very hard and feels very unnatural. I feel like an ass for just packing up and leaving.
And I'm supposed to let go.
I know better than to try to initiate a conversation. I HATE arguing with her. She is a mean arguer; she is vicious and mean and ruthless. I hate arguing with ANYBODY, to tell the truth. But I'm not seeking out that degree of argument. Nothing profitable has ever come of that. I hate it.
I hate that someone told me she was posting about dating someone... and I don't want to know the rest; I didn't even need to know that. Every time I am told anything about her, I have to get out of wherever I am, and I sob. Every time I talk about her, it wrings out my heart like a washcloth. She TEXTED me last night to ask about the code to get into our storage unit... I answered her... and then I cried.
Letting go is mean. Letting go feels horrible.
I could bow up and recite all the reasons I have for being mad at her... all the things she's done that hurt my feelings... but it doesn't amount to much compared to the big load of pain and pure wretchedness I feel.
I'm angry. I'm hurt. There is no quick fix for this unfixable situation.
There is nothing I could say that holds any value. I don't like living with drunk HER. I loved living with sober, nice HER. I feel like I should have given her an ultimatum, or a deadline... but I just packed up and left. No discussion. No nothing.
I wonder if she hurts. I'm sure she does some, but if she's dating, then there are no appropriate words. And if she's dating a GUY, I'm not sorry at all!
I'm broken. And I'm shutting up now.
