Went to an AlAnon meeting this morning. Recognized one face there from the only other meeting I've attended. Wanted to get down some of the things I learned and thoughts I had.
1- Acceptance does not have to equate to approval.
Acceptance was the topic at the other meeting I went to. I have been trying valiantly to accept... she drinks, I cannot change this, this is how she is... and I felt guilty when I'd had enough and left. But I guess I also need to accept my own feelings... that I was sick and tired of putting up with her behavior when she was drinking, and accept my own choice to leave.
2- Suit up and show up
That is a very good premise. Reminds me of the ethic I learned from Gerri, who would not miss work unless she was dead or close to being so.
3- Don't have a header for this one... I need to figure out who *I* am. And I need to BE who I am. I don't want to ever again be in a relationship where I have to reshape my SELF to accomodate the relationship.
Then again, that might be part of the whole relationship concept...each give a little, sacrifice here and there, to become one.
I don't know if I am capable of that at this point in my life. I don't know where to draw a line; I will give this much and no more, etc. I don't know if there SHOULD be a line... or else I obsess over whether I'm adhering to the principles I've laid out in effort to maintain my SELF. I don't know, consequently, if striving to maintain self is self-ISH.
So I get all bogged down in all these thoughts...
When she and I first were together, her phrase commonly was, "Baby, I'm EASY!" Meaning, we could do whatever, change plans, just do whatever, she was a total easy-goer. Turned out not to be so, to my perception. Or time brought changes, who knows.
I am going to try to stop focusing on feeling guilty for leaving. Guilty for not discussing it with her when she was sober. Going to try to stop imagining that conversation may or may not have played out. Gonna try really hard to leave it alone, "just for today," and focus on me.
From this point forward, being the best person I can.
I have this dream of a nice home or apartment, me & Luna and maybe a cat or two, in our own little world. I will live my own life, do what I need to do for me and for us, and not complicate things by incorporating another person. Not for a long time. As long as I can hold out, ha...
I would just love to have FRIENDS to spend time with. Friends to go places with and have fun with, then go our separate ways afterward.
I'm kind of soured on the concept of relationships right now, and think I'd pretty much rather just get on my feet financially and live MY own life for awhile. A LONG while. Maybe always... who knows. To focus on my relationship with God and my relationship with myself. Maybe start running again. Get some stuff paid off and build a savings. Who knows.
I'm sorry I hurt you... I'm pretty sure this did hurt you... but you hurt me too. I got tired of that. Over and over and over, absorbing your verbal blows that you claimed not to remember the next day. I got tired of trying to excuse it with, "Well, she was drunk... she didn't really mean that." That is not fair to ME. I told you that. You so seldom apologized to me for anything, and apologies you did offer seemed half-hearted after having been coerced by me.
I'm sorry I hurt you, but you so very much hurt me!!! Now was as good a time as any for this craziness to end. I hope you focus on yourself, get yourself better, and have a good, better future. All the best and a sincere love to you....................
From Me.
