It's De-lovely!

I am sitting in CC's on Bluebonnet & Airline. I am so happy right now... not excited or giddy, but just calmly delighted and happy. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the peppermint mocha mochasippi I'm working on and the holiday happiness I'm sensing inside me. This is wonderful!

Tonight was the first meeting of the meetup group I started, called the Baton Rouge Creativity Outlet. The meeting was excellent! 3 people besides me, and we were able to meet in the fellowship hall at MCC-BR. So great to meet these people!! Blake, Elizabeth and Gabe. Very creative and artsy-minded... the kind of people I crave the company of! EXCELLENT!! It was everything I'd hoped for, very inspiring and a good time of hanging out. Smart people with good ideas! And Blake made a hemp bracelet for me! Really good time.

Carrie is here with me, on Priceline bidding for a room for us tonight. I enjoy time alone with her... alone, no people OR pets... just us, and time, and peace and quiet. I value her and feel detracted from when there are always other beings around. I love our pets, don't get me wrong... but tonight... is so very nice. :)

I have been living with Kevin and am just about done. Literally, I have begun stocking my Hyundai Santa Fe with my belongings and am preparing to make it into living accomodations. Maybe even tomorrow night, who knows. It might even be fun. Though my goal is to save up and get my own place asap. Place with a full-size sleeping furniture and electricity and a shower. But in the meantime. :) I'm always up for a new experience. !!

So glad for church tomorrow, and so grateful for sweet Pastor Keith. Totally.

squish squish squish

Blah blah. There is a lot wrong with me. I need to learn to accept myself and be happy or I will remain miserable.

I am always angry and I don't like anyone. I have been finding a reason not to like every person I encounter. No one is right. They're too fat or too skinny,too ugly or too prissy, too poor or too rich, too black, too hispanic, too white... too young,too old, too grouchy looking, too happy looking... and it's not like I think everyone should be like me; I don't like myself either. So maybe I'm trying to drag society into my pit of NONE OF US ARE RIGHT AND NO ONE IS GOOD ENOUGH. That's crazy.

Been like this for awhile... and so I tried a strategy that worked for awhile. I imagined all the people I'd see in a store or wherever were my friends. I'd pretend like, oh look there's soandso... and I would feel happy to see them and I would smile at them. They usually smile back too. Melissa Etheridge was right when she wrote, you will find whatever you are looking for. If I am expecting scowls and rudeness, I will never be disappointed. Maybe take it from another angle.

Even my fat clothes are getting too tight. I have to find a way to stop gaining weight. I need to run again. Desperately.

Hits Home Like Ice

I am at Starbucks in DS. I recently found out a very dear friend of mine from college works here. She is from the part of my life I closed the door on, and she does not know I closed the door. I am happy with my current life, but she does not know I am different.

I looked up to her. Turns out, she looked up to me as well. I kind of feel obligated to tell her I'm not the same person, but I don't want to crash her world. Not that I'm such a big cosmic influence - I don't mean that - but when anyone blends two otherwise supposed opposites and lives in harmony that way, it can really give some people a headache.

I want to plan a time to sit down with her, when she is not in the middle of work, and talk to her. I feel most of all compelled to be honest; not so much that I need to confess per se, but that I should not let her go around carrying this image of me that is incorrect.

Arrrrrrrghlhhhhhhhhhhh...... I have lost friends over being gay. I'm not going to NOT be gay, and I'm not ashamed... it's just... of only I could neatly compartmentalize my life and not have to explain anything to anybody.

I feel like I need to do some soul searching. I'm not sure what I'll be looking for... maybe peace.

burn

I AM ANGRY AND HATEFUL AND SICK TO DEATH OF ALL PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM SICK OF CREEPY PEOPLE AND TEENAGERS AND OF MY NEPHEW WHO WHINES AND SCREAMS THE MAJORITY OF THE TIME!!!!

I AM SICK OF PRESSURE, OF NOT HAVING ENOUGH MONEY AND OF NOT HAVING MY OWN CAR

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF LIVING WITH MY BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I ESPECIALLY HATE TEENAGERS AND THOSE SOUR OLD WOMEN WHO ALWAYS LOOK MISERABLE AND NOSY.

i am sick of me, sick of time, sick of life, sick of CIGARRETTES!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sick of drunk, sick of anger and lack of patience, sick of knowitalls, sick of people who can't spell............

SICK OF PEOPLE WHO ACT LIKE THEY'RE THE SUPERIOR SHIT!!!!

I want to go away, to just take off walking and not come back. I have been saving money for a car. What if I just took that money and didn't buy a fucking car, a financial liability, but just left with it and went as far as I could go.

fuck it I am sick of all this stress of all my effort NEVER FUCKING BEING ENOUGHto fucking please anybody I hate being PATRONIZED and I need to get away ALONE before I blow up and mess up my life

I Pick the Bucks Over the Stars

Sittin here. Chillin. Relaxed, only a little self-conscious about my goozle but beyond that I am taking an intentional break. I'm not even letting myself type fast. If I tried to do stream-of-consciousness writing right now, my hands would probably blow up. Whatever.

I need a break. I am trying to not worry about my babies at home (Luna, Hippie & Liefje). I am sitting in Starbucks because I wanted to go somewhere I could relax and I could only envision here, in one of their comfy chairs, reading a book. Working on a good book lately - "First the Dead" by Tim Downs.

I want my own vehicle. I do not want to live in New Orleans. Not right now anyway. I like my job. I would like to live near my job but I don't know how Carrie would feel about that. We could do it; we could make it work like that. We have been... seeing each other on the weekends. It's actually a relief. I overstress myself all the time about what whoever is thinking or what they want or what they like or don't like. It's a break for me, to be able to care about someone and breathe freely at the same time. Relationships are work! This of course wraps around to me; it is something in ME that needs to change. My perception, my way of pressuring myself, etcetera. It's always my fault but I'm the one casting the blame, ha............

There is a guy at the table across this part of the room from me. I instantly assume he thinks I'm ugly. He probably isn't thinking anything about me at all. I am the one who's always thinking. Tooooooo much.

I laugh when I think of the people I'm not in touch with anymore because I got tired of dribbling the soccer ball of the flimsy friendship. If I have to make all the plans and initiate all the phone conversations etcetera, I will stop. If it's anything to them, they will take the ball and resume the game. If not, fuck it, I'll go sit down and take a break. I'm sick of being the one initiating contact and making plans.

I even do that with Carrie when I notice I'm the only one saying "I love you." I stop and wait until SHE says it. I deserve more than "I love you too." That is so empty to me sometimes. I want her to say she loves me because she thought of it. Not just in a reflex response. Once it took 3 days. She did apologize, which meant a lot. Nowadays things are better. Took some radical action to get here, and things are far from perfect, but whatever.

I might be about to leave. Not sure. Or I might read some more. This has been healthy for me; I have not just opened up my feelings like that in a very long time.