Sittin here. Chillin. Relaxed, only a little self-conscious about my goozle but beyond that I am taking an intentional break. I'm not even letting myself type fast. If I tried to do stream-of-consciousness writing right now, my hands would probably blow up. Whatever.
I need a break. I am trying to not worry about my babies at home (Luna, Hippie & Liefje). I am sitting in Starbucks because I wanted to go somewhere I could relax and I could only envision here, in one of their comfy chairs, reading a book. Working on a good book lately - "First the Dead" by Tim Downs.
I want my own vehicle. I do not want to live in New Orleans. Not right now anyway. I like my job. I would like to live near my job but I don't know how Carrie would feel about that. We could do it; we could make it work like that. We have been... seeing each other on the weekends. It's actually a relief. I overstress myself all the time about what whoever is thinking or what they want or what they like or don't like. It's a break for me, to be able to care about someone and breathe freely at the same time. Relationships are work! This of course wraps around to me; it is something in ME that needs to change. My perception, my way of pressuring myself, etcetera. It's always my fault but I'm the one casting the blame, ha............
There is a guy at the table across this part of the room from me. I instantly assume he thinks I'm ugly. He probably isn't thinking anything about me at all. I am the one who's always thinking. Tooooooo much.
I laugh when I think of the people I'm not in touch with anymore because I got tired of dribbling the soccer ball of the flimsy friendship. If I have to make all the plans and initiate all the phone conversations etcetera, I will stop. If it's anything to them, they will take the ball and resume the game. If not, fuck it, I'll go sit down and take a break. I'm sick of being the one initiating contact and making plans.
I even do that with Carrie when I notice I'm the only one saying "I love you." I stop and wait until SHE says it. I deserve more than "I love you too." That is so empty to me sometimes. I want her to say she loves me because she thought of it. Not just in a reflex response. Once it took 3 days. She did apologize, which meant a lot. Nowadays things are better. Took some radical action to get here, and things are far from perfect, but whatever.
I might be about to leave. Not sure. Or I might read some more. This has been healthy for me; I have not just opened up my feelings like that in a very long time.
