Chain of Fools

I left her. Yesterday. Moved back to BR with Luna. Left her and RJ and all the cats... I miss the cats.

Breakups SUCK. They are horrible and awful and I wish they could just be clean and done. Gerri was the best breakup associate I have ever dealt with. I have not appreciated that enough until now.

So she contacts me about money for the cell phones, about things she wants back, etc... and every time my entire insides just crunch up and leak sour acid. Picture a car battery that has a brake rotor from and 18-wheeler dropped on it. That's the closest comparison I can make.

But it was so very nice to go to sleep in a peaceful house with no one drunk, no accusations flying, no cursing, no anger... it was also nice not to have to drive an hour and a half to get to work this morning. It was ALSO nice to be able to GET to work on way less than a quarter tank of gas.

I don't miss her. Not yet; I'm sure I will. Right now, though, I am angry, and I am anxious of her... kind of afraid maybe?? Scared of words, not of physical blows. Words hurt almost more, it seems sometimes. She uses mean, vicious, dagger-like words... cut-to-the-bone words. Go-for-the-jugular words.

I miss my cats so much. Where I'm staying now, I can't have them. And I doubt she would ever give them to me later... I especially miss my sweet Hippie. He is my favorite cat, and I would whisper it to him all the time.

This breakup is a final breakup... no more trying again, no more being the definition of crazy... it's over and it's for the best. It just hurts SOOOOO bad!!! Last time, my heart was torn over thinking, 'But she was THE ONE... my forever "one"!' I don't feel that way anymore. She is mean, mean, mean, and far too soppy with Vodka and Bourbon. And when those factors are combined, look out.

Anyway.

Just needed to get that out.

Scary

Life is hard. It can be scary. When things happen that have happened before, that were scary every time before, yet still hurt when they happen again. It makes me so angry. Yet I am trying to accept the things I cannot change. Praying for the serenity to do so. It is not easy. I am angry. I am tired and getting more and more worn out.

I feel pathetic just to be grateful the anger has passed. Is that weak? Like, if things could just stay "okay," I would be okay with that. But that, too, is something I have no control over.

I know, without something dramatic and just short of a miracle, this will NEVER get any better. So I hang around and put up with every time it happens, wondering if and when enough will be enough.

In other news, Charlie Sheen is a total ass-wipe. More news after this.

Livin' in the Big D

Right now I am having a major MISSING DALLAS moment. Sitting here in this Starbucks does it to me... HA- well I probably associate Starbucks with Dallas... as much time as I spent in SB while I lived there.

I miss the sense of freedom... the enormous city with so much to explore... no boundaries and no limits (well, once I got rid of Mandie........ GRRRRRRRRRRRRR...)

Freedom and opportunity and huge, tall buildings and the running trail made over the old railroad track... and Aisha and Rose and Jessica and Jen and Angela and Virginia and Kristin and Scot and JourneyOut and TROY... and going to Bellini's with a group of friends after church on Wednesday nights... and Sue Ellen's and Ciao Bella... and Gerri... we had some good times. Also some horrible times, and it was right for that relationship to end... but the good times will remain good memories.

But, if I had the chance to move somewhere, I would not move BACK to Dallas. I would move to a NEW city, new horizons, new opportunities and new explorations to dive into.

I long for that. Maybe someday. LONG for it, do ya hear me?? LOL

Never know what tomorrow holds. You just never know! I do know this - God is all about giving us the desires of our heart! And He knows BETTER than I do, what will totally strike that sweet spot for me. :)

The Jesus Thing

Hippie is sitting in my lap as I type this. Sweet lil boy. :)

So, we had a minor disagreement this evening. We had met, there disagreed, and drove home separately.

The whole drive home, I defended myself verbally "to her" while I was in the car alone. I laid out the whole case, why I was right, and even added a few things she'd done before that *I* hadn't liked.

But deep down, the truth was, I knew I had been in the wrong. A few points on the topic could have gone one way or the other; just details... but the underlying fact was that I was wrong.

I got home, brought Luna outside on her leash. She got home and we made pleasant small talk. I was feeling frustrated, and a little guilty.

So I was walking Luna, going over my points with God in a hushed voice. All of a sudden, I caught a breathed reminder in my mind... because I have been praying lately, "Lord, let me be more like You. Let my life be a reflection of You. Make me more like You." etc. And I said, "Oh yeah, Lord! The Jesus thing!!"

Suddenly my whole attitude changed. All this prayer to be more like God, and there I was screwing up a major "WWJD" moment. My attitude lightened up, I felt positive, and I went home and delivered a thorough, sincere apology.

And things rolled right back on track. I'm a little sleepy and I don't know if this is coming out right, but it was good. God is very good, and on my side even when I'm wrong... helping me make it right. Awesome.

Foxapalooza

I told Carrie I was having a Fox News overload. Her response? "Well I'm not even watchin' it!" YES BUT IT'S ON. *sigh*

I say that with a hint of humor. That's our thing; that's our way. We're alright.

It's almost 8 on a Saturday morning and, like Carrie said earlier, that kind of is sleeping in when you're used to getting up at 5. Though, like she also said, 9:30 would be more like it.

Looks like it rained last night. It's not SUPPOSED to rain any more... at least not for awhile... and yes I'm pouting, but we had a long string of horrible weather... freezing cold and lots of mud. The weather people were saying it was going to stay pretty for awhile. I hope it brightens up today.

There's a parade tonight called the Krewe of Vieux. It's like Spanish Town; makes light pokes at political figures. I kind of want to go but moreso want to go to church tomorrow. I am going to church, period. We have had to miss 2 weeks bc of not having the gas money. I got paid yesterday. I'm goin to church tomorrow. :)

A lot has happened since I last blogged. Egypt ousted its dictator president, now almost all of the middle east countries want to do the same. Also, now all the teachers in Madison, WI are having a big protest party because their state government wants them to BEGIN paying six percent of their health insurance premiums. As opposed to paying nothing, like they are used to. Get the hell over it. Be grateful you HAVE a job and have insurance. Not everyone can say that.

I'm sick of hearing about WI on the news, is my point.

My latest musical fascination is Adele. WOW. Tie my heart in a knot, man... it's not even a physical attraction; I'm just enamoured by her voice.

Her songs make me want to write more music. :)