“Why wasn’t I born dead? Why didn’t I die as I came from the womb?
Had I died at birth, I would now be at peace. I would be asleep and at rest.
For in death the wicked cause no trouble, and the weary are at rest.
Even captives are at ease in death, with no guards to curse them.
Had I died at birth, I would now be at peace. I would be asleep and at rest.
For in death the wicked cause no trouble, and the weary are at rest.
Even captives are at ease in death, with no guards to curse them.
Rich and poor are both there, and the slave is free from his master.
“Oh, why give light to those in misery, and life to those who are bitter?
They long for death, and it won’t come. They search for death more eagerly than for hidden treasure.
They’re filled with joy when they finally die, and rejoice when they find the grave.
Why is life given to those with no future, those God has surrounded with difficulties?
Why is life given to those with no future, those God has surrounded with difficulties?
In all honesty, I have felt that way before; imagining how death would be an escape; a door to freedom or at least REST from the crap life can sometimes bring. Like in v. 21 above- Job says, "They long for death, but it won't come."
I've been there. I've thought, prayed and even begged, "God, I know You are merciful. Please oh please come get me out of this hole of utter misery in which I suffer day after day after day. Oh PLEASE, God...."
On 3 occasions, I will admit those feelings have been so heavy, felt so inescapable, that I have tried to take my own life.
Through those experiences and the counseling I've received subsequently, I've learned and now feel very certain that suicide is never the answer. There is always a tomorrow; there is always more to come in the future of which we know nothing in the present. And there are many practical ways to deal with whatever is making us feel such despair.
I promise that's true, and I make that promise with confidence, having learned it from personal experience.
When I read that part of Job, even though I had read it before, I felt a new sense of recognition; that thing you feel when someone GETS what you are talking about. Like, "YES! That's EXACTLY how I felt!"
Such an amazing feeling of being acknowledged; even VALIDATED. After going through such a horrific emotional and physical experience, you come out on the other side and deal with the consequences. One of those consequences is feeling like a freak; feeling embarrassed, ashamed and alone. Coming across something like that passage from Job can help you to feel, "I'm not the only one!"
That part of Job reminds me of another time in my life where I had a poignant moment of feeling acknowledged and understood.
The idea that homosexuality was nothing but wrong and evil had been drilled into me for so many years that when I started having strong attractions to other women, let's just say it scared me to death. I begged and pleaded with God to take it away... I fasted and prayed... I sought counsel from an embarrassingly long list of ministers and church leaders... I cried and pleaded and even tried to kill myself because those thoughts WOULD NOT GO AWAY. I couldn't have any "normal" same-sex friendships because, when I grew close to another female, those feelings would inevitably creep into my feelings toward her, whoever "she" might be along the timeline of my life, my struggle.
I quoted scriptures; "think on these things..." - "set your mind..." - "where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God" - I did so much binding and loosing, I might as well have developed callouses on my hand for all the spiritual ropes I was constantly tugging on, in utter desperation.
I loved God. I DO love God today! I could not even begin, those years ago, to imagine God might love me "just as I am" - I thought I disgusted Him, even though I was doing everything but back flips to get free from the feelings, emotions and attractions that plagued my mind.
In around... 2000 or 2001... I had reached a breaking point. I was exhausted. I had been "fighting the good fight" in this arena for more than SEVEN YEARS!!
I had heard there was a lesbian music artist named Melissa Etheridge. That was all I knew about her; that she was a lesbian. I was so desperate to find a point of CONNECTION in the world! One day on my lunch break, I went and bought Melissa's album "Breakdown."
I put it in the CD player in my car, and was AMAZED... because SHE WAS SINGING WHAT I HAD FELT FOR SOOOO MANY YEARS!!
I felt that amazing release of, "I'm NOT the only one!" There are not sufficient words to describe the abounding depth of gratitude I felt toward Melissa Etheridge and her lyrics.
I felt UNDERSTOOD. And, at that point in my life, the feeling of being understood was a desperately-needed ointment on a deep wound left untreated for far too long.
The second song on "Breakdown" met me right where I was. I could have written that song myself, if I'd felt the freedom to release and express those feelings.
The first time I saw Melissa Etheridge in concert, I cried a stream of silent tears. Of gratitude. If I ever have a chance to sit down and talk to her, I will tell her this story.
In closing, I will share the lyrics to that song... it's called "Angels Would Fall" - and I will put a link to that song's video if you're interested in seeing it.
Just remember: YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. God loves you 100% exactly the way you are. And God has put people in this world who can relate to you, whatever your situation in life - I truly believe that. I pray (and you pray, too!) that your paths cross with people whose life stories resemble your own. So you can feel UNDERSTOOD... and so that you can begin to heal.
Much love,
Nicole
Angels Would Fall
The rope that's wrapped around me
Is cutting through my skin
And the doubts that have surrounded me
Are finding their way in
I keep it close to me
Like a holy man prays
In my desperate hour
It's better that way
Is cutting through my skin
And the doubts that have surrounded me
Are finding their way in
I keep it close to me
Like a holy man prays
In my desperate hour
It's better that way
So I'll come by and see you again
I'll be such a very good friend
Have mercy on my soul
I will never let you know
Where my mind has been
I'll be such a very good friend
Have mercy on my soul
I will never let you know
Where my mind has been
Angels never came down
There's no one here they want to hang around
But if they knew
If they knew you at all
Then one by one the angels
Angels would fall
There's no one here they want to hang around
But if they knew
If they knew you at all
Then one by one the angels
Angels would fall
I've crept into your temple
I have slept upon your pew
I've dreamed of the divinity
Inside and out of you
I want it more than truth
I can taste it on my breath
I would give my life just for a little death
I have slept upon your pew
I've dreamed of the divinity
Inside and out of you
I want it more than truth
I can taste it on my breath
I would give my life just for a little death
