The Relief in Feeling Understood

Yesterday, I started reading the book of Job. I came to the place in chapter 3 where Job has just experienced a list of the greatest tragedies in his lifetime. He's talking about death, alluding to what a peaceful escape it might be from his present troubles:

Job 3:11 - “Why wasn’t I born dead?  Why didn’t I die as I came from the womb?

Job 3:13 - Had I died at birth, I would now be at peace.  I would be asleep and at rest.

Job 3:17 - For in death the wicked cause no trouble, and the weary are at rest.

Job 3:18 - Even captives are at ease in death, with no guards to curse them.

Job 3:19 - Rich and poor are both there, and the slave is free from his master.

Job 3:20 - “Oh, why give light to those in misery, and life to those who are bitter?

Job 3:21 - They long for death, and it won’t come. They search for death more eagerly than for hidden treasure.

Job 3:22 - They’re filled with joy when they finally die, and rejoice when they find the grave.

Job 3:23 - Why is life given to those with no future, those God has surrounded with difficulties?

In all honesty, I have felt that way before; imagining how death would be an escape; a door to freedom or at least REST from the crap life can sometimes bring.  Like in v. 21 above- Job says, "They long for death, but it won't come."

I've been there.  I've thought, prayed and even begged, "God, I know You are merciful. Please oh please come get me out of this hole of utter misery in which I suffer day after day after day. Oh PLEASE, God...."

On 3 occasions, I will admit those feelings have been so heavy, felt so inescapable, that I have tried to take my own life. 

Through those experiences and the counseling I've received subsequently, I've learned and now feel very certain that suicide is never the answer. There is always a tomorrow; there is always more to come in the future of which we know nothing in the present.  And there are many practical ways to deal with whatever is making us feel such despair. 

I promise that's true, and I make that promise with confidence, having learned it from personal experience.

When I read that part of Job, even though I had read it before, I felt a new sense of recognition; that thing you feel when someone GETS what you are talking about.  Like, "YES!  That's EXACTLY how I felt!"

Such an amazing feeling of being acknowledged; even VALIDATED.  After going through such a horrific emotional and physical experience, you come out on the other side and deal with the consequences.  One of those consequences is feeling like a freak; feeling embarrassed, ashamed and alone.  Coming across something like that passage from Job can help you to feel, "I'm not the only one!"

That part of Job reminds me of another time in my life where I had a poignant moment of feeling acknowledged and understood.

The idea that homosexuality was nothing but wrong and evil had been drilled into me for so many years that when I started having strong attractions to other women, let's just say it scared me to death.  I begged and pleaded with God to take it away... I fasted and prayed... I sought counsel from an embarrassingly long list of ministers and church leaders... I cried and pleaded and even tried to kill myself because those thoughts WOULD NOT GO AWAY.  I couldn't have any "normal" same-sex friendships because, when I grew close to another female, those feelings would inevitably creep into my feelings toward her, whoever "she" might be along the timeline of my life, my struggle.

I quoted scriptures; "think on these things..." - "set your mind..." - "where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God" - I did so much binding and loosing, I might as well have developed callouses on my hand for all the spiritual ropes I was constantly tugging on, in utter desperation.

I loved God.  I DO love God today!  I could not even begin, those years ago, to imagine God might love me "just as I am" - I thought I disgusted Him, even though I was doing everything but back flips to get free from the feelings, emotions and attractions that plagued my mind.

In around... 2000 or 2001... I had reached a breaking point.  I was exhausted.  I had been "fighting the good fight" in this arena for more than SEVEN YEARS!!

I had heard there was a lesbian music artist named Melissa Etheridge.  That was all I knew about her; that she was a lesbian.  I was so desperate to find a point of CONNECTION in the world!  One day on my lunch break, I went and bought Melissa's album "Breakdown."

I put it in the CD player in my car, and was AMAZED... because SHE WAS SINGING WHAT I HAD FELT FOR SOOOO MANY YEARS!!

I felt that amazing release of, "I'm NOT the only one!"  There are not sufficient words to describe the abounding depth of gratitude I felt toward Melissa Etheridge and her lyrics.

I felt UNDERSTOOD.  And, at that point in my life, the feeling of being understood was a desperately-needed ointment on a deep wound left untreated for far too long.

The second song on "Breakdown" met me right where I was.  I could have written that song myself, if I'd felt the freedom to release and express those feelings.

The first time I saw Melissa Etheridge in concert, I cried a stream of silent tears.  Of gratitude.  If I ever have a chance to sit down and talk to her, I will tell her this story.

In closing, I will share the lyrics to that song... it's called "Angels Would Fall" - and I will put a link to that song's video if you're interested in seeing it.

Just remember:  YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.  God loves you 100% exactly the way you are.  And God has put people in this world who can relate to you, whatever your situation in life - I truly believe that.  I pray (and you pray, too!) that your paths cross with people whose life stories resemble your own.  So you can feel UNDERSTOOD... and so that you can begin to heal.

Much love,

Nicole

Angels Would Fall

Melissa Etheridge

The rope that's wrapped around me
Is cutting through my skin
And the doubts that have surrounded me
Are finding their way in
I keep it close to me
Like a holy man prays
In my desperate hour
It's better that way

So I'll come by and see you again
I'll be such a very good friend
Have mercy on my soul
I will never let you know
Where my mind has been

Angels never came down
There's no one here they want to hang around
But if they knew
If they knew you at all
Then one by one the angels
Angels would fall

I've crept into your temple
I have slept upon your pew
I've dreamed of the divinity
Inside and out of you
I want it more than truth
I can taste it on my breath
I would give my life just for a little death

So I'll come by and see you again
I'll be just a very good friend
I will not look upon your face
I will not touch upon your grace
Your ecclesiastic skin

I'll come by and see you again
I'll have to be a very good friend
If I whisper they will know
I'll just turn around and go
You will never know my sin

Songwriters: John M Shanks / Melissa Etheridge

Thanksgiving Prayer to God

I love You, Lord.

I love You with all my heart, mind, soul and strength.  Though, sometimes, I think I could express that a little better.  But, even in quiet places, my heart shouts my love for You and, in that same heart, my legs leap in excitement!

You are so good to me.  I am more grateful than there are words to express.  I am not "wealthy" by American economic or consumer standards... but I lack for NOTHING and, for that, I am excited and grateful.

You have set me up so that I never have to worry if I'll be able to pay a bill, if I'll have clothes to wear or food to eat.  I never have to worry if I will have food for my pets... nor if I'll have books to read, art to create, or things to do.

I never have to worry if I will be lonely.  While I always have the option of spending time alone (honestly one of my favorite things to do, haha...), I also always have the option of reaching out and finding company for outings, talks, prayers, exercise and good laughs.  Thank You.

Lord, thank You for deciding to put me HERE in the world, this whole big world - you put me in one of the most well-off nations there is with super defense systems and every kind of freedom one could need.  When you were deciding where I would be born, you chose Baton Rouge, LA in the USA.  You made that decision for a very specific purpose, and I am grateful.

I do pray for our President.  We're supposed to do that anyway... but this one, I feel, especially needs Your help.  Please help him to make wise decisions, please help him to be fair, and please give him compassion for people who are in need of shelter, provision and protection.  Please help him not to make an ass of himself to other world leaders... please help him to put the well-being of our country ahead of his own.  Please calm things down with North Korea.  Please put a filter over his mouth and help him to pause and think before he speaks.  Please bless him with a heart full of genuine love and kindness.  And please help him to treat his wife with heartfelt love and respect.

Thank You for this nation.  Thank You for the sacrifices people made, years and years ago, to travel off into the unknown and learn of this continent.  Please bless the Native Americans and their children.

Help me, Lord, to give as freely as I receive.  Help me to, without resentment, help homeless people who ask me for money.  Even if they're not really homeless... help me just to give because You said to.  Even if someone lies to me, hoping to score a dollar off me, Your word says to bless those who curse me, and that I should pray for those who despitefully use me.  Thank You for my blessings.  Help me to share more and to just keep my eyes on You... putting my treasures up in heaven for safe keeping, where moths and rust cannot destroy it.

Thank You for my family.  Please bless my family.

I could go on and on, but You know my heart.  I love You, my Jehovah, and I give thanks to You on this special holiday.

Love forever,
Nicole

Mariska in Blue

I just woke up from the weirdest dream... I feel a need to record it.  It was just so unsettling and very vivid.

The dream started... watching Mariska perform.  The performance was in a small arena, actually kind of like a great big white tent, like an old revival tent.  I was sitting among many in white wooden bleachers.  She was dancing... not in a seductive or trashy way; just... dancing.  And it was beautiful.  She was so beautiful.  Her costume, what I remember of it, involved a dark blue, shiny leotard top and blue net stockings.  She was dancing to show the beauty of every woman.  She didn't try to cover up places where she had fat or any so-called imperfections; she was just dancing, just as she was.  And she was so, so very beautiful.

Then, in my dream, I woke up on a beautiful day with perfect weather and no humidity.  I was in my early 20's, I think, and I lived with my parents.  Well, not my actual parents, but they were my parents in the dream.

We lived somewhere rocky and kind of sandy; an old town with dusty streets and sidewalks that sloped steeply up and down.

It was a sunshiny and perfect day.  Then I passed by my parents' room and saw they had another couple their same ages in bed with them.  Nothing nasty; they were all asleep and waking up.  That freaked me out, but I left that alone and went into a large sunroom to drink coffee and read.

That was when I discovered a little boy, maybe 5 or 6, hiding in the corner behind some furniture.  He was cute and very sweet-natured, but scared because he had been left all to himself in a strange, new place.  Talking to him, i gathered that the couple with my parents were actually his parents.  They had met at the Mariska performance the night before, got to talking afterward and ended up all in bed together.  Gross.  Icky, yucky gross, to think of one's parents doing something like that!  I mean ewwwww.

I checked on the little boy, made sure he was alright and poured him a bowl of Cheerios.  Then I went into the room of icky gross and tapped this woman on the shoulder until she woke up.

"Ma'am," I said, "your little boy is in the other room all by himself and he is scared to death because you left him alone.  I've given him some cereal to eat but I think he needs you."

She mumbled some dismissive remark about well he must be fine then because I was taking good care of him.

"But he's not my responsibility; he's YOUR son.   Please go see about him."

To this she replied, in a sleepy mumble, "Look, little lady.  You are perfectly capable of taking care of that sweet and good little boy.  Now get out of here and give us some privacy."

Um... resentment?  Yeah.  Did not like being ordered by a stranger to get out of my parents' room.  Rather than say something I would probably regret, I turned and left the room.

I remember my dad saying to me later, "Yeah, we had never done anything like that before... but we opened up and tried it, and now we love it!"  He proceeded to tell me the four of them were flying out that day to... somewhere... Europe, or maybe Brazil... who knows.

So they left me with this kid.  I mean, he was sweet and very well-behaved so I had no resentment toward HIM; just toward his stupid, irresponsible mother who unfairly saddled me with this responsibility.

In the dream, I remember walking around the corner of a clay building and up a dusty cement sidewalk with the little boy a few steps behind me.  I had begun to separate my resentment for his mother from my understanding that this little boy was scared and deserved to be treated with caring.

That's mostly all I remember.  My alarm kept going off; I kept hitting snooze and would go right back to watching Mariska dance.

Time to piece this dream apart.  My source is http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary  (I ignore all the ookey spiritual stuff; I'm just interested in the psychological aspects of dream symbols.)  I also use a site called dreambible.  These definitions are kind of inflexible; I like to draw connections between them and adapt them to what they might mean to me.  So, here goes.

Celebrity

• To dream that you are a celebrity signifies your high aspirations that may be way beyond your reach at the present moment. You may just be setting yourself for a let-down.
• To see a celebrity in your dream represents your beliefs and understanding about her or him. Consider what the celebrity is famous or known for and how you relate to that quality. Something in you waking life has triggered these similar beliefs and feelings. It is not uncommon that your obsession with a certain celebrity may carry over onto your dream world. Celebrities are often seen as heroes and all that is mighty.

Dancing

• To dream that see dance performance suggests that you are ready to move forward into a new phase in your life.

Costume

• Blue represents truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness. Perhaps you are expressing a desire to get away. 
• To dream that you are wearing tights suggest that you are feeling at ease in exposing aspects of your Self. 
• To dream of a costume represents a false or deceptive persona you present to others in waking life. You might be putting on a show or pretending to be something you are not. 
• Leotards   To dream of leotards represents behavior that is concerned with doing every single little thing perfect. Negatively, you may be very concerned with making any mistakes at all.
• To dream of regular women's dress stockings represents feelings about not wanting to feel that you think you are better than other people or dishonest while being independent. Feelings about yourself or other being a wonderful person who doesn't have to be told what to do. Feelings about about being a wonderful passive person with everyone liking you. *I can kind of see how this might relate to not being ashamed of one's physical imperfections.

Tent

• To dream of a wedding tent or special event tent represents your attempt to temporarily maintain composure or relationship stability. Doing what's necessary to keep life stable or feeling good. Temporary sacrifices you are making to keep life comfortable.

Parents

• To see your parents in your dream symbolize both power, shelter, and love. You may be expressing your concerns and worries about your own parents. Alternatively, it represents the merging of the female and male aspects of your character.
• To dream of both your parents represents your conscience and intuition. There may be important choices that you are making or reconsidering. To see your parents together is a sign that you have important decisions to make. You might also have concerns about your own parents. (uhhh... yeah...)

Disgusted

• To dream of feeling that something is disgusting represents feelings about waking life situations that you find revolting, sick, perverted, or unclean.  Powerful feelings of having difficulty accepting something unpleasant. Powerful feelings that something is wrong or immoral. 
  
  Alternatively, feeling disgusted in a dream may reflect waking life situations where you feel trapped confronting a very unpleasant undesirable situation. Feeling that you must endure a prolonged unpleasant situation. 

Child

• Negatively, dreaming of children may reflect feelings about yourself or others being helpless. Powerlessness to overcome big challenges. Inexperience that prevents you from facing difficulties because problems are too big. Alternatively, from a negative perspective children may reflect problems that are out of control. New developments that are becoming frustrating. To see children in your dream signify an aspect of yourself and your childlike qualities. You may be retreating back to a childlike state and longing for the past. You are trying to still satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes.

That's all for now; been a long day and I'm sleepy.  Goodnight!

October Sunday Morning

I just realized today was the first day of a new month!  That's cool.  I like "new."  New month, new year... though, I must admit, I never have grown warm feelings toward the first day of a new week.  hahaha

I am sitting in the couch in my living room.  Some light is coming through the windows but it's still dim in here.  Luna is laying between the couch and the wall, snoring.  I love that dog.  But she snores.  Funny lil girl.

This morning I got to about chapter 9 in I Chronicles.  Not the most stimulating book of the Bible thus far... though I did notice the verses containing the "Prayer of Jabez."  Remember all the stir over that one verse, years ago?  Sermons were preached and books were written about I Chronicles 4:10.  The Prayer of Jabez is now toward the top of any Google search of the word "prayer" and there is even a Wikipedia page about it!  Who woulda thought?  That's too cool.  Here:

Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, "Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain." And God granted his request.

Kinda hard not to be inspired by that, actually.  He prayed it, BOOM, God answered it.

Tuck that thought in your pocket and take it with you.



Let's see, what else... well, we have been approved to work OT at my job for time and a half pay.  That ROCKS the CASBAH!  Such permission is very rare in the Department where I work, but the powers that be have seen that extra hours will be necessary if we are to complete this grant program in a reasonable length of time.  Seriously.  We got almost double the applications that had been expected.



I have been working a little extra during the weeks.  Went in 4 hours yesterday and plan to put in 4 more hours today.  But I know me... and I need to cool my heels a little.  I have a tendency to run headlong into something, crazy full speed ahead, then burn out quickly.  I need to pace myself.  I need to have at least one full day of no work each weekend.  For now, anyway; the demand may increase but that would be further down the road.

Oh yeah!!  Since I first weighed myself and started tracking my food intake and calories burned, I have lost 10.2 pounds!  And I am so motivated to keep going.



Same thing as the OT, though; I have to be careful not to push myself too hard and become resentful of all the counting and measuring.

It's not bad, though.  Really all I've been doing is choosing low-calorie foods and eating recommended serving sizes.  And trying to exercise discipline by saying no to junk food and late night eating... I've been MOSTLY successful at that, haha...

And Crossfit-ting as many days a week as I can!  But Crossfit is something I enjoy, so it's not a burden.  Crossfit is something I look forward to each day!




I've also been doing some extra work at Crossfit.  Amber, one of my coaches, suggested to a group of us that a good way to increase your endurance is to get on the rower for 20 minutes and see how many meters you can go.  Then, increase your pace a little each time.  So I've been doing that and it really is having a positive effect on my workouts.



That's all for now, I believe.  Seriously, if I'm learning anything these days, it's that anything is achievable if you put the necessary effort into it!

Put that in your pocket, too, with the Prayer of Jabez.  😉

So It Was a Long, Rough Day...

I'm sitting in bed.  It's just past 8:30 and Lena is curled up, asleep, to my right.  She was worn out today.  Lena is such a hard worker and, from what I've seen, does almost everything 100%.  She can be tired early if she needs to.  Sweet thing.



I did *not* feel like working out today.  Actually, I felt kinda whiny, and I wasn't feeling great.  But I went anyway.  Looking at myself in the ladies' room mirror at the gym, I noticed my back fat and love handles poking out, and I did not want to go let everyone see that, but I did anyway.  I was scared because, the last couple of times I've done box jumps, I have gotten hurt... and today's workout incorporated box jumps... but I did step-ups instead... and I did it anyway.

And, when everything was over, I was glad I had gotten out there and sweated my brains out with everybody else.



There are some things I really hate about my body; more, the older I get.  I was thinking about that today, and about how other people at Crossfit don't have those... features, shall we say... and after the workout, when I was putting up my ab mat, I thought, "Well, I'm just going to have to keep working.  Because nothing will get any better if I don't."

Those are true words.



Work was ok today.  I finally felt like I found my groove, and I feel good about tomorrow; I feel positive, like I'm going to get a lot done.  Which is good, because a lot needs to get done!



Today I ate more calories than I burned.  Someone cooked eggs and biscuits and bacon at work this morning.  Even if I didn't say no, I still could have... moderated... and had less... but I had a big spoon of scrambled eggs and two biscuits with jelly.  That threw my whole day off.  I didn't eat *that* many more calories, but it still put me in the hole.  Hindsight, hindsight...

After Crossfit, I had a "FORK IT!!" Smoothie, because I was still over, and I was pissed.  And now I'm working on a can of PBR to properly round out my failed food day.  Ta-freakin-dah.  Tomorrow is a new day, and my Fitbit and I will start fresh.



I like my Fitbit so much.  It congratulates me when I reach even small goals.  I really absorb that; it makes me feel increasingly motivated.

OK.  Time to wind down and get ready to join Lena in the land of sleep.  (Ha - I almost said "the land of Nod" because sleep, nodding off, you know... but I thought I'd better make sure what that meant, and I'm glad I did!  Because the land of Nod is in the Bible as the place to which Cain was exiled after he killed Abel!  Nope, nope, that's not where Lena is, haha...)

She does look so peaceful, though.  I'm glad she's getting a good rest.

Night, all, and have a great tomorrow!