Hello, Hello...

My cat Leroy... that's his line... he says it at night, wandering through my apartment, like he is lost and alone in the dark. I mean, it's a version of "meow," but it really does sound like, "HELLOOOOOOOOO??"

Anyway, hello to anyone reading this. Been awhile. Haven't felt like I had anything important enough to write and publish. What I say today isn't important or anything, either; just though I'd post a blog. Just for the heck of it.

So, here goes. This weekend, I'm supposed to be meeting one of my two recently-discovered sisters. Not sure it will really happen; this is still sort of unreal to me. Meeting this girl is going to bring this really fictional-seeming story into the light and it will become something real and actual. Kinda freaky... but I will follow through and see if we can actually make time-and-place plans and hope we hit it off. We already have kind of become friends, messaging on Facebook. It's just the face-to-face thing. Kinda nervous... kind of unsettled.

This "extra family" chapter in my life has made me realize one thing for sure: I SO appreciate my FAMILY! Extended family - aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents... because not ONCE did I ever go around any of my family wondering what they would think of me, whether they would like me, whether they would accept me. It was just a given; I was a PART, we all belonged there, and everybody was ok just as he or she was. Period. Now I'm faced with potentially meeting NEW family... people who have always been my relatives but whom I have never met and, until a year or so ago, had never known about. Now I'm going to wonder, "What do they think of me? Do they like me? Do they think I'm snobby/quiet/nerdy/fat/pretty/etcetera?" Never had to do that before.

I met a "new" aunt last Sunday. She was really nice. I made a point not to say much beyond what was asked of me. Then I wondered if that had seemed aloof and snobby. I am totally my worst critic. The afternoon went well; I should just leave it at that and not overthink stuff.

What else, what else... I've kind of pulled in a little. Before writing this, I reread my last post and it sounded like I was starting to do that even back then. I have not been to church in months. God and I are fine; I'm not at all insecure about that relationship. I just got tired of going to church; didn't see a point in it, so I... stopped. Probably I really just "paused," but I have not been in awhile. I will probably start again at some point. Now, though... I just have no interest in the whole dog-and-pony Sunday routine. Blah.

Lena has not gone either. We've talked about it; I wanted her to go on her own if she wanted to go. I wanted to know I would not feel abandoned or anything else crazy like that. She has had many of the same sentiments I've had about Sunday morning church and so the two of us have been staying home.

I still read my Bible, about as much as I have for awhile now. I talk to God. God talks to me. I'm okay.

The job interview I was hoping on... did not pan out into a job. So I'm still at my same job. I make a decent rate per hour; I just have so much to pay out each month, it's sometimes barely enough. But God is providing and I'm getting by.

We didn't go to Pride this year, either. We agreed, we were both bored with it; the same-ol' same-ol'... I wonder if Lena feels as unsettled in GENERAL as I do, lately. I'll have to ask her that.

Go somewhere new, hope for something better... I feel like I've spent my life from High School on, chasing the end of the rainbow. I want to move. I don't expect anything to be drastically better that here; I know that this world is what it is. Everywhere is pretty much the same, making allowances for weather and culture variances. Bosses are assholes; coworkers are irritating; family is, simultaneously, treasured and annoying; landlords are pricks; churches are full of imperfect people just like me... etcetera....

I don't know what I'm looking for, exactly. I would love to be able to point my finger and say, "THIS!! is what I want in life! This, right here!"... but I'm learning as I grow... there are few ultimates in this world. Even in the Christianly-promised afterlife... the Kingdom of God... I have been taught we will still have jobs, still have work, still have... life.

Eternal life. Heh...

I wish for eternal ESCAPE... something better than just plain life. I mean, I prefer life to death, of course... but... just life?? That doesn't seem too exciting to me.

Any thoughts on this, anyone? I'm all ears, and would love to hear your thoughts.

Until another time, then! :)

Life These Days

If I seem to have fallen silent lately, it‘s because I‘m sorting through a lot in my head.

Some changes are going on in my family of origin. Plenty of hurt being flung in all directions.

I feel scared some, lately.

My happiest moments are spent with Lena, and there are not nearly enough of those moments.

Work is sometimes stressful. I do have interview number 3 soon for a great new position with amazing pay. Feeling pretty good about my chances there, but still nervous.

I kind of want to hide out for awhile, thoughI realize that is neither practical nor possible.

I need to dig into what I know is a safe, secure hiding place... the arms of my Savior and the truth of God's word,

So glad it's Sunday for a good many more hours, and I can relax and rest my mind.

I'm grateful for Easter and for Jesus. I just feel like I'm standing on an unsteady place with wind whipping around me... and I'd really like something strong to hold onto.

Maybe part of the lesson here is for me to sense and trust that Something Strong is holding on to me.

The Walking Dead

Got your attention? Thought so... but this is not a blog about zombies. This blog actually tells a story of what God can do when a person is dead... and I'm going to take this angle on it: dead with no hope. Dead and seeing no light at the end of the tunnel. Dead and believing you are not even worthy to bear the title of "living."

Have you made mistakes, made bad choices, done things that were wrong? Then this blog is for you. Have you ever had a sinful thought or a bad attitude? This blog is for you.

Which, in reality, means this: this blog is for ALL of us. Romans 3:23 declares, "All have sinned and come short of the glory of God." The Greek word here that is translated "sin" literally means, "to miss the mark; to err, be mistaken; to miss or wander from the path of uprightness and honor, to do or go wrong."

And doesn't that about cover it? We have all sinned. You, me, everybody.

In his book Choose Your Addiction (found here), J. Charles Roberts cites Newton's Law: "...for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, or consequence." So all of us have sinned, and sin has a consequence. Romans 6:23 says that the wages, or consquence, of sin... is death.

So we've all sinned, and are all facing the consequence of death. Some believe that death means an eternity in a fiery hell. I would like to submit to you a view of that statement from a different angle.

While physically living and breathing, I have felt dead before. I have felt helpless, hopeless, filthy, miserable, ashamed and utterly dead. I have been in circumstances from which I saw no way out; no light at the end of the tunnel; not even a tiny exit to try to squeeze through. I have felt deplorable and felt no reason to go on living. I felt... dead.

Have you ever felt that way?

It's a miserable place to be, with no light and no hope.

I read a story today that led me to name this blog "The Walking Dead." The story is found in Ezekiel chapter 37. The prophet Ezekiel was given a vision. Here are verses 1 - 3:

"The LORD took hold of me, and I was carried away by the Spirit of the LORD to a valley filled with bones. He led me all around among the bones that covered the valley floor. They were scattered everywhere across the ground and were completely dried out. Then he asked me, 'Son of man, can these bones become living people again?' 'O Sovereign LORD,” I replied, 'You alone know the answer to that.'"

Is there any hope at all for you when you feel like nothing more than a pile of dead, dry bones? Dead bones have no energy; no initiative; no... life.

But God is the creator of life. God can do things that, to our limited human minds, are completely impossible!

Let's keep reading in Ezekiel: [Then he said to me, "Speak a prophetic message to these bones and say, 'Dry bones, listen to the word of the LORD! ...Look! I am going to put breath into you and make you live again! I will put flesh and muscles on you and cover you with skin. I will put breath into you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the LORD.'" So I spoke this message, just as he told me. Suddenly as I spoke, there was a rattling noise all across the valley. The bones of each body came together and attached themselves as complete skeletons. Then... muscles and flesh formed over the bones. Then skin formed to cover their bodies.... Then he said to me, "...Speak a prophetic message and say, '...Come, O breath, from the four winds! Breathe into these dead bodies so they may live again.'" So I spoke the message as he commanded me, and breath came into their bodies. They all came to life and stood up on their feet--a great army."]

How amazing is that?!? Not a weak pile of reassembled bones, pasted together with a glue stick, but a great army!

The bones in this story represented people "...saying, 'We have become old, dry bones--all hope is gone.'"

YET God restored them to life, completely, in every way!

Friends, that is HOW GOD ROLLS. He can - and will - do these things for you:

*He will bring together your scattered, dry bones and reassemble them into the body they once made up. In other words, He will gather the fragments of your broken dreams, your shattered security, your torn hope and the life you used to have. And He will attach them all together as they should be.

*He will cover those bones with muscles, flesh and skin; He will not just put together the skeleton of your life and walk away. He will give you strength, protection, and endurance.

*He will put BREATH into your body and cause you to STAND! He will give you life, vitality and renewal. He will renew your hope and give you a fresh passion for life!

Let me finish a verse I quoted the beginning of earlier. Romans 6:23: "For the wages of sin is death, BUT THE GIFT OF GOD IS ETERNAL LIFE!"

Maybe you feel dead today. The good news is, you don't have to STAY dead. There are NO conditions to fulfill in order to receive God's gift of life and renewal; you need only to ask, and believe.

I pray renewed hope, healed wounds, and restored life for YOU today. In Jesus' name.

Amen.

Be Still

I have two sweet little nephews, ages 7 and 8. I love them both with all my heart. They are actually less than a year apart in age, and I love being their aunt. They are smart, creative, talented and handsome. They also have sharp, witty little senses of humor. They're a lot of fun to be around and I love "my" little guys.

Now. As much as I love them both, I do not like to be with both of them in a car at the same time. They will joke, laugh, nag, pick, fight, cry, drive each other crazy, just about drive ME crazy... and will not BE STILL. If they would just be still, at least sometimes... and be quiet, at least sometimes... but they're just kids, and that's how they roll.

Have you ever been around overly-excited little kids? Those of you who are parents or who have children in your families know exactly what I mean. They can run like wild little firecrackers - which is FINE at the right place and time – but sometimes you just want to tell them to BE STILL.

God has to deal with us in that way sometimes. Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still and know that I am God." God wants us to be still and trust Him. But what exactly is "being still?" Why do we need to be still? And HOW, in this world we live in today, do we learn to be still? I have studied some on those questions and will share with you what I have learned.

What exactly does it mean to be still? Psalm 4:4 says, "Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent" or, as the King James puts it, "commune with your own heart upon your bed, and be still." The Hebrew word used in this verse means literally, "to be silent, be still, wait, be dumb, grow dumb." In other words, HUSH. We can practice being still by simply being quiet.

Psalm 46:10, which I quoted earlier, tells us to "Be still and know that I am God." The Hebrew word used here, "damam," means "to sink, relax, let drop." Here we learn that being still can involve letting go of all our striving, stressing and worrying. Let go of the anxiety in your situation. We are told to just relax and "let it drop." Let go. Relax. Be still.

In the book of Mark, Jesus stopped a wild storm by telling it to be still. The Greek word used here means, again, "to close the mouth with a muzzle; to stop the mouth, make speechless, reduce to silence; to be kept in check." So again we see that being still involves being quiet.

How do we "be still?" By being silent. By letting go. My keeping ourselves and our mouths in check, and waiting.

WHY should we be still? One reason is that we stay safe. Psalm 4:8 says, "In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O LORD, will keep me safe."

When we relax and let go of our tenacious grip on life, Psalm 46 tells us God is honored. What's more, we are protected. When we "let go" and be still, we experience God's presence and protection. Psalm 46:11 says, "The LORD of Heaven’s Armies is here among us; the God of Israel is our fortress."

Thirdly, when we are still, we can reach a place of deep peace. When Jesus commanded the storm to "be still," Mark says, "the wind ceased and there was a great calm." When we are still, we can experience God's "great calm."

So why should we be still? We are kept safe, we are protected and we are calm when we are still. I have listed just a few reasons; the Bible gives many more and I invite you to study more on that for yourself.

Finally, the "how." We live in a crazy, busy, bustling world these days. How do we break free from that cycle to achieve this stillness? I can personally say, sometimes it seems impossible... but with God's help, stillness is possible and within reach. The Bible offers us answers for every question we might have, so let's look into how to be still.

II Chronicles 20 alludes to "being still" as a choice or a decision. A prophet tells God's people, "Take your positions; then stand still and watch the LORD’s victory." In other words, plant your feet. Stand STILL. And watch God fight for you!

When we decide to be still, we stop everything we are doing. In that resonating zen-like space, God’s capacity to work is unlimited. Jesus gives a great example of this in the story of blind Bartimaeus, Mark chapter 10. It says Jesus stood STILL...

"...and said, 'Tell him to come here.' So they called the blind man. 'Cheer up,' they said. 'Come on, he’s calling you!' Bartimaeus threw aside his coat, jumped up, and came to Jesus. 'What do you want me to do for you?' Jesus asked. 'My rabbi,' the blind man said, 'I want to see!' And Jesus said to him, 'Go, for your faith has healed you.' Instantly the man could see, and he followed Jesus down the road."

I submit to you that God works in stillness.

Be still. Rest. Wait. Isaiah 40:31 says it best; "those who WAIT on the Lord will renew their strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not be weary, they will walk and not faint."

I say to you today, "Peace, be still." Be quiet. Let go. Plant your feet, stand strong, and wait. Then watch God work on your behalf.

Amen.

The Bus, the Bike and Me

So, today I have a story to tell. This is the true tale of how my car just... quit... on me, and how I have now become a faithful patron of the Baton Rouge. Capital Area Transit System.

To make the telling easier, and to make the story a little more fun to read, I have used the help of my friend Will Smith... basically I rewrote the lyrics to "The Fresh Prince of BelAir."

Here you go... enjoy... hehe...

Now, this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I started ridin' the bus everywhere

At Albemarle, yeah, at the PDC
Is where I earn my dollars for my babies and me
The day passed by, 3:30 came my way
So I went in my car down Scenic Hwy
Then suddenly my car was up to no good
The radio turned off, engine under the hood
I took a quick little right and then my car died
So I pushed it cross the street to the other side

Thought I was out of gas so my friends gave me a ride
Fed her gas,she wouldn't start, jumped her off, she still died
My boss got behind me, pushed me all the way home
I parked my girl in the lot in the corner all alone

The car is not worth what it would cost to fix it
Even then, I could still get an inspection sticker ticket
Can't buy another car so I'll do what I must
And that's when I decided I'd start riding the bus

I got out my bike, put air in the tires
Forget that alternator, transmission and wires
Every morning I get up and on my bike I hop
And I pedal my way down to the local bus stop

For $56 I got a month-long bus pass
Called Progressive and told them to kiss my sassafrass
Got a Cert of Non-Use from the DMV
So now it's just us; I got my bike, my bus and me

In the meantime, I'm paying off the debt that I owe
For the car that won't start, yeah, the car that won't go
If anything I could say this is a learning experience
The muscles in my legs think I musta gone delirious

I get home every day 5:30 or 6
Do my best for my dog who just has to hold it
Get home, we go walkin' and she gets to pee
So there you have the story
Of the bike, the bus and me