The Benefits of a Broken Heart

Yesterday.

Wow. I don't know whether to call it a sudden breakdown or a breakdown that was a long time coming, but I BROKE... WAY down.

It started on I-10 yesterday in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Little feelings of sadness... flashes of frustration... as I sat in traffic, surrounded by vehicle exhaust, my own ghostly emissions of anger slowly formed their own cloud inside my car.

By the time I got home, I was sobbing. Sobbing and screaming in the car is great because no one can hear you and, from the outside, you just look like you're passionately singing along to a song on the radio.

At one point during my drive, I called my mom. I choked out, "So is that it? Is that ALL, or should I expect any other surprise announcements?"

She told me no, there was nothing else. She apologised. Again. And, again, I said I wasn't angry with her... just mixed up over the situation.

"Life is so f***ed up, Mama!"

"I know, Baby. It is. And I wish I could explain it all."

I got home. Once I had let my Luna out to do her business, called Lena, summarized my circumstances and told her I needed some time before I came over. She understood. She's so good to me.

Inside my house, I fell on the bed and kept crying.

And I talked to God.

I told Him ALLLLLLLLLLL about it. And He listened. And He heard me.

Feeling the ache in my very soul, the pain hovering right in the center of my chest, I realized something. Softly I cried, "Lord, my HEART is broken."

Over and over, "My heart is broken. My HEART is broken. My heart is BROKEN, Lord. I don't remember feeling this brokenhearted ever before. Help me, Lord. Oh, please help me. It HURTS."

Still crying, I took a shower. As I washed away the salty sweat, dust and dirt from working in the Plant all day, the tears continued to flow, mixing with the water and going down the drain.

I poured my heart out to God... all the stained, dirty, jagged, broken pieces... and He kept all those pieces.

Psalm 56:8 - "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book."

I am not magically all fixed up, but I do feel a little better.

I am learning there is not necessarily a clear beginning and ending point to my experiences in life. Those experiences kind of evolve into my reality then continue with me as I move forward. I gain knowledge and understanding that are forming who I am.

By God's grace and, as I lower my resistance and allow this knowledge and understanding to blend with my soul, I am changing. By God's grace, I submit to His work and filter everything through His Spirit, keeping what is worth keeping and washing away the silt, the dirt, the wrong.   As I allow myself to be molded, added to and reshapen, I grow stronger and become a better person.

I remember a youth pastor saying, "You can let life's trials to make you BITTER, or you can let them make you BETTER."

This "WHO'S YA DADDY?" experience has changed and is changing me. It hurts! And the hurting isn't over.

However, I am learning along the way. I pray I continually grow and become better, not bitter... that I gain depth and have more understanding to offer others who are hurting.

------------------------------

Kind of a side note... this is my FAVORITE YouTube video. It kind of relates to this blog post... going through things that hurt but not giving up... anyway, I guarantee it will make you smile. :-)

KID PRESIDENT PEP TALK

On PURPOSE

Sometimes I'm tempted to entertain the thought that I am a mistake. But then I think, "NAAAAH! I'm here, world, so DEAL WITH IT!!" Haha :)

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body, and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank You for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous- and how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in Your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

"How precious are Your thoughts about me, O God! They are innumerable! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand. And when I wake up in the morning, You are still with me!"
Psalm 39:13-18

And some wonder why I'm pro-life.    :-)

Bring Your Blog to Work Day... Volume 1

Just some thoughts I put down during my day. Please leave comments if you find any of it interesting or if you have an opinion.

8:31 a.m.

This is the first day of my week with no phone. I could **PROBABLY** squeeze together the money for a phone card but… a week being, to whatever small extent… “off the grid”… seems pretty appealing to me.

This morning I took Luna out to pee and noticed the middle-eastern guy who lives in the apartment above me, outside on his balcony using a laptop. I wondered if he was doing that so early because of the time difference between here and wherever he was from, talking to his family. I’ll admit the question of a terrorist plot did flash through my mind but I didn’t grab onto that thought. Some thoughts, you need to let keep on walking through your mind and out the other side.

I also wondered if I could get his internet password so I could connect through his service. Probably won’t ask; that’s such a scrubby thing to do. Like I said above… I could **PROBABLY** scrape together the money to pay for my own internet in my own home, but… why? I can go to the public library or a coffee shop anytime I want and use it for free. All in the name of saving money. Though I bet what I spend on coffee shop beverages each week probably equals out to what I would pay for my own internet service at home. Hmmmmmm…… interesting thought.

Yeah so, in the mornings, things move pretty slowly in my area at work. Mid-morning til around lunchtime, I will be rocking and rolling. Anyway. I’ll get off here (this high-tech MS Word document I’m typing since my blog website is blocked here at work) and try to look like I’m doing something more productive. Which will probably involve actually doing something productive, which isn’t so bad because it will look good to the boss.

I’ll update later.

1:55 p.m.

Got a lot done today. Pretty much through with the largest part of my job; just the tidying-up things to do.

I’m feeling a little bummed. It comes and goes. I am planning to work out after my official workday ends. That will probably up my mood. Ahh, friendly chemicals. Haha I don’t WANT to work out, but I will force myself because I have to, HAVE to work out in order to not gain tons of weight. Kind of a swimming upstream mentality I have to live with… push forward as hard as you can or you will be dragged backward… but I really have no other choice if I don’t want to become superfat. Ehh… anyway…

We start Mondays 30 minutes earlier so I could actually be done at 3:00… though staying and earning overtime is a possibility. But I’m thinking being done at 3 sounds really nice.

And after my workout, I can go to the library and post this blog. Ta-dah!!

3:09 p.m.

Well since we only get paid in completed 30-minute increments, and since it’s past 3:00 and I just finished doing some last-minute things that came up, I suppose I will be staying ‘til 3:30. Just a few more minutes; not too bad. Cause me, I doan works fa FREE, no! *insert Cajun accent* haha

Need to go make sure a few last-minute things are done… things that we all get yelled at if they’re left undone, so I do them, and I feel pretty certain that if I left these things undone and counted on one of these guys to do them, they would not be done… grrr… anyway. I don’t mean to be a hater, but it seems like, if they think someone else will take care of something for them, those people forget all about it without a care in the world. Yet I do the daily this and that's... because if it's left undone, we all get chewed out. And I hate that so much. Call it... partially preventive maintenance with a dash of passive-aggressive resentment. hahaha

Okay, enough ranting. Signing off… until next time!

The Story of Danielle and Lynnelle

Back in the 1970's, Danielle was in high school. She had a boyfriend named Mark, and they were crazy about each other. They dreamed of getting married, having a family, and said they would have a little girl and name her Lynnelle.

After two or three years of dating, Mark and Danielle got in a huge fight. Danielle threw Mark's ring at him and they broke up in a big storm of tears and words.

Two weeks after breaking up with Mark, on a blind date, Danielle met a guy named Joe. Joe was a nice guy and he saw Danielle off and on.

The whole time Danielle had dated Mark, Mark's friend Wayne had an eye for her. They flirted more and more after her breakup with Mark. Danielle told Mark she was going to start seeing Wayne. Mark said he didn't care, and off she went into the arms of Wayne.

For a time, Danielle dated both Joe and Wayne, off and on, back and forth. Then Joe decided to move to Texas in pursuit of another girl he'd had a crush on for a long time. So Joe left, and was gone for months. Danielle kept seeing Wayne, now exclusively.

One night, Danielle and Wayne had a blowout. They fought, said hateful words, and parted ways on bad terms.

One month later, Danielle turned up pregnant.

Danielle was scared and did not know what to do. Her father was angry and declared that whoever had gotten her pregnant better marry her and take care of her and their child. Danielle went to Wayne, told him she was pregnant and that they should marry. But Wayne would have none of that, and denied the baby even being his.

Around this time, Joe had given up his quest for his Texan dream girl and come home. He re-established contact with Danielle, and they started talking again. One night, she confided in Joe that she was pregnant, that Wayne would not take responsibility and that she was so scared, she didn't know what would happen to her.

Joe said, "Well... why don't you marry me?"

Danielle said, "Well... okay."

Joe and Danielle wed in August of 1975. In November of that same year, Danielle gave birth to a pink little girl. Joe signed the birth certificate as the baby's father.

Danielle named her daughter Lynnelle, the name she had previously chosen for the daughter she'd wanted to have with Mark.

Joe and Danielle agreed to never tell Lynnelle that she had any father besides Joe. Both their families knew Lynnelle was not Joe's biological daughter, but everyone agreed that she need not know that small detail. So no one ever told her. As she grew up, both sides of the family loved her and any memory or knowledge of Wayne was all but forgotten.

Years and decades passed. Joe and Danielle had 3 children together, in addition to Lynnelle who knew nothing other than she had two loving parents named Joe and Danielle and 3 younger siblings. Lynnelle loved her family.

When Lynnelle was 37, amidst a storm of family drama and upheaval, Danielle and Lynnelle met at a coffee shop to talk. Lynnelle had a number of questions, none of which were easy to answer. In the end, Danielle confessed to Lynnelle that Joe was not her biological father.

Nothing changed; family was still family and Joe was still Daddy... but...

Lynnelle was broken. What in the world was this crazy story she had been told? Was there really a Wayne? Did she actually have two half-sisters, Wayne's other daughters, whom she had never known about? Lynnelle's world spun until she was dizzy and almost sick.

She cried fat, heavy tears of pain and confusion. At one point, Lynnelle went to Joe, clung to him and sobbed, "YOU are my Daddy. You are my Daddy and I love you SO MUCH!" Lynnelle cried a long time and Joe heaved out his own sobs along with her.

Things were still the same, but... things would never be the same.

________________________________________________________________________________

Grief... anger, denial, depression, bargaining... stages of grief... I go back and forth among and between these stages with no solace to be found.

I am deeply grateful for Lena, her arms, her very absorbent shoulders, and her bottomless well of caring and kindness. Lena speaks softly but carries great strength and has been a rock for me since I found this out.

I can't talk about it or write about it without having a spike in anxiety and a knotting of my stomach. I know I need to get it out... so I wrote it in 3rd person. It's the best I can manage right now.

I will always love my dad just the same. Sometimes I hate this other guy. Rarely am I interested in ever meeting him. He knows I exist; let him find me, get off his ass and put out a little EFFORT if he ever wants to know his oldest daughter. I have self respect; I have never and WILL never chase anyone and beg for their attention or affection.

I have a family that I love very much.

I also have a very broken heart, kind of a fog in my mind, a constant degree of inner anger and frustration, and am worried about getting a stomach ulcer over all this.

I am the type who needs to FINISH and RESOLVE things. This cannot and will never be finished or resolved.

I feel like a scared, lost little girl who has been hurt and needs help... but no one really sees her as they pass by, living their normal, everyday lives. The world moves on around her while her insides crumble and her world falls apart.

I will be okay. I'm strong. My mom apologizes for telling me, sorry because it hurt me... but I prefer the truth, even if it's a hard truth.

I will make it. Just gonna take all the time I need to process this. Only I can handle my life the way that is best for me, and I will take care of myself.

...With the help of my Father God, my partner Lena, and my sweet furbabies Leroy, Luna and Hippie, who make things just that much more okay just by BEING.

The End.

Big, Big House!

God has given you a huge, enormous house. It symbolizes Himself, and all He has for you.

You may have been sitting in the foyer, comfortable and cozy, simply happy to be inside the house. Happy to know that it's yours and that you no longer have to deal with all the troubles and worries outside your newfound solace.



It is a house of peace, a house of joy, and a house of love.

But you have never left the foyer.

God is eager and excited for you to discover what else He has put for you in that house!

There are rooms on different floors, all full of very good things!



There are rooms full of healing. There are rooms full of provision. There are rooms full of answers to prayers! There are rooms full of hope, rooms full of freedom, and rooms full of strength. There are rooms full of things you have prayed for than only God and you know about. There are rooms full of wonder beyond your wildest dreams!

And there you sit on that soft little seat in the foyer.

GET UP!! Look around! Open a few doors and climb a few stairs, for Pete's sake!



God has already put in place all we could ever wish for, think of or desire. But sometimes, finding these things takes a little effort on our part.

He says, "Seek Me and you will find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart."

When God gives a directive like that, it's because He knows a good result awaits aFter we obey Him!

It's all there for you! Run for hope, claim peace, dive into freedom and purity and real, true love.

All that's required of you is to take the initiative to seek it.

The more you search the things of God, the more good things you will find.

But you'll have to stand up and go beyond the foyer of knowing Him.



SO WHATCHA WAITIN' FOR?!?!?? *GRIN*

Check out this video; this song came to my mind when God was speaking to me about these things earlier today. Here: VIDEO