I went to see her because I wanted to tell her how glad I am to have her as a sister. And I went to be with someone who understands what it's like to be Wayne Teekel's child and Brittany's sister. Neither of them exert much effort to associate with Sierra. And neither of them have ever exerted any effort to even meet me.
As my blog and my Facebook page show, all that has been on my mind in a HUGE way lately. So heavy... it's so heavy.
My visit with Sierra and her awesome two daughters was wonderful. I struggle a little with feeling comfortable around Sierra sometimes. Her nature is calm. My nature is silly... and hard to stifle. I tried really hard today, and I was a lot more successful than on previous occasions.
Strange, though... something in me felt like I NEEDED Sierra... like, "BE my sister! Not just every few months or every few years but ALL the time! And especially now, because I am going through some really hard stuff and this is where a supportive, understanding sister would fit perfectly into the picture."
Plus she's been dealing with some uncomfortable health issues lately, so she's on my mind a lot and I miss her more than I had previously.
Between interjections from her 4 year old who just about looks like a Precious Moments doll (Ahhhh magash!! Cuteness manifest!!!) I told Sierra things I've been thinking lately; how I've been feeling. And, in between those times, we talked with the girls. (Her other daughter is 14 and just started high school, same as one of my nephews on my mom's side of the planet.)
I did spend a little time playing "This Little Piggy" on the little one's toes. HAD to... 😉
I could have stayed there and just melted into their little family. Even when her fiance got home. HE is a winner! He is, from everything I've seen and know about him, a very upstanding, caring, loving, genuine good guy. I think he treats all three of them - my sister and my nieces - very well, and I'm thankful for that. But, yeah... I could have stayed indefinitely.
When I thought that, I decided I probably oughta get out of there because I was starting to feel emotional. When I hugged Sierra goodbye, I actually started crying. I let go of the hug, but I didn't want to. I felt so empty and so... fragile, almost.
Because I am HURT! And, relatively speaking, it is all still so very fresh and raw. My FATHER couldn't give a FLIP that I am ALIVE. An additional sister is pretty much of the same ilk. It's a clawing, scraping sensation; scary and painful. Writing this, I'm crying again.
Sierra grew up with these two in (or, on the periphery of) her life, so it's old hat to her, probably. She's had 40-however many years to come to terms with it all. Not that it doesn't still hurt deep down underneath sometimes, I'd venture to guess. But she manages. And that's the best any of us can do; when you can't change something, you make your tactic MANAGING how you let it affect your life.
I think that needs to be my next achievement in all this.
I got in my truck and let the tears file out, slowly at first but then in a more hurried procession. I called my mom; she told me, with the best of intentions I'm sure, "Don't be sad about that." Which is all well and good, but you can say that until your teeth fall our and, if a person FEELS sad, they are GOING TO FEEL SAD.
I came home, crawled up on the bed next to Lena and continued sobbing. (My eyes are going to be LOVELY in the morning, I assure you.) But Lena was awesome; she was LENA. She said, "You feel however you need to feel, and cry all you feel like crying," gently touching my face as she spoke. What an incredible woman. What an absolutely incredible woman.
Anyway, the tears subsided after a little time passed and a spot about the size of a football was formed on her pillowcase... tears and makeup, ha! She is so sweet and unpretentious; when I pointed out the spot to her, she simply smiled at me and turned the pillow over. My girl. ❤❤❤❤❤
All the ride home, I played "Seven Wonders" over and over. I got some comfort from it; I love the song and I love the Stevie. Tonight, Stevie was my friend and Stevie understood. Maybe that should be my anthem for Wayne and Brittany...
"And if our paths never cross,
Well, you know I'm sorry but..."
(I'm going to live my LIFE aka see the Seven Wonders and whatever else is presented to me. And if you aren't in my life, that's too bad... but I'm not going to waste time mourning over it.)
Here is Stevie to sing that lullaby. Goodnight, dear friends.
