My mom didn't tell me happy birthday yesterday or even reference my birthday until I brought it up. My sweet dad sent me a text. My biological father is still someone I have never met. He doesn't give a flying fuck about me and that's something I'm still struggling to come to terms with.
So, I am either realizing or accepting there are errors in my life that can never be correctly editied; gaps that will never be sealed up neatly; wrinkles that will never be ironed out. My life, it is beginning to seem, is a page of eraser smudges, cross-outs and crumples. Pour the champagne.
I have one sister who seems to love and accept me just as I am, and for her I am grateful, regretting only that I never knew of her existence until a few years ago. I have one sister with whom I grew up who is nice enough but probably thinks I'm going to hell and won't let my nephews come stay the night with me for fear my lesbian sin germs will hop all over them. I have a third sister who, as with our shared father, I have never met. We were communicating on FB messenger for a short time and then she seemed to lose interest in me. It hurts but, whatever... same with the father, I am not begging.
I have one brother who seriously needs psych medication and could quite possibly benefit from electroshock therapy if it would somehow jiggle his brain cells into place. I have one additional brother who is one of the sweetest, kindest, most sincere-hearted people I have ever known and I love him the best. And I can say that because none of them will probably read this, anyway.
Just analyzing my life a little.
I have had my sweet dog Luna for 9 wonderful years now. Two cats; Hippie who is 7 and Leroy who is 4. They make me feel valued.
Lena is my partner... my life-partner... my "beyonce" though we might never actually get married because of some outside factors. Still, she is my constant support, my lifter when I fall, my sunshine when I am drowning in thick clouds. I could not ask for a better person to love and by whom to be loved.
Some things I like...
Musicians: Adele, Brandi Carlile, Melissa Etheridge, Demi Lovato, Pink, Lena Horne, Patty Griffin, Stevie Nicks, Anouk (earlier today, I was poking through my CD collection and noticing I don't have near enough music by knock-you-on-the-floor-with-their-amazing-voice female musicians)... stuff like that.
Actresses: Julia Roberts, Mariska Hargitay, Sandra Bullock, Angelina Jolie, Kate Winslet,, Amy Adams, Melissa McCarthy, Sophia Bush, Jennifer Lawrence, Kelli Giddish, Debra Messing, Zooey Deschanel and her sister on Bones whose first name slips my mind.
I love my 2-month-old Magnetic Black Nissan Frontier... which I have named Stevie Nicks because they are both AWESOME
Things I don't miss: any ex-relationships, any ex-jobs, any ex-friends AHEM in particular one Rachael... whom I wish blessings on solely because the Bible says I am supposed to... but some people are just cold, cold, cold...anyway... However, I do miss my former dear friends Wendy and Casey, though I don't consider them cold; I actually really miss them. Two very beautiful souls... But many others, I have dusted off my hands and moved FORWARD!!
People I do not like: know-it-alls; jerks; the unpleaseable... included in this list are two people from my current place of employment... I am not stupid enough to write down actual names... but I am THINKING them!! haha I also do not like people who are unkind toward people I love. And people who are cruel to animals.
Experiences I love: the excitement of being in unfamiliar, new places; going to the beach; going to a really awesome concert; giving someone a gift and being able to see on their face that they genuinely LOVE it and are so excited!! (Lena <3)
Things I remember fondly: experiences with my many awesome friends from m college years; Chi Alpha; Mary's Den; Europe; my five years living in Dallas.
So, here I sit... behind this coffee shop table (which is how I spent the majority of my time during my last few years of undergrad, ha...) remembering things that I love and despise, feeling anxious and, simultaneously, resenting myself for feeling anxious... yes I'm getting older, but I do so very much want to live, to stay alive, to enjoy life... and make the most of what I have... which is actually an abundant LOT. Just have a little touch of the blues, is all. But they will pass.
I'm happy it's the holiday season! Thank you, wonderful Jesus, for being in and staying in my life. I am blessed.
