WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS. I AM FINE WITH MYSELF, I READ A PATCH OF SCRIPTURE, AND I AM DANGLING OVER THE PIT I LIVED IN FOR YEARS AND YEARS. SCRIPTURES THAT I CANNOT LIVE UP TO, UNDER THE MENTALITY I USED TO HAVE… NEVER GOOD ENOUGH, UNLESS IT’S PERFECT IT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH… BUT IT’S NEVER PERFECT, SO IT’S NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. SO I LIVED LIFE FOR YEARS AND YEARS BEATING MYSELF UP, LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY, AND HAVE FINALLY ESCAPED THAT RAT TRAP TO WHERE I AM OKAY. I AM OKAY WITH MYSELF. I AM OKAY WITH MY LIFE, MY LIFESTYLE AND MY CHOICES, AND I AM OKAY WITH MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD. I BELIEVE STRONGLY THAT HE LOVES ME AND THAT ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT I HAVE ACCEPTED SALVATION FROM HIM. THEN I GET THIS BIT OF “HOW TO BE AN EVEN BETTER CHRISTIAN” SCRIPTURE… NONETHELESS, DEALT TO ME BY MY SISTER WHO APPARENTLY IS A BETTER CHRISTIAN. THERE IS THEREFORE NOW NO CONDEMNATION FOR THOSE WHO ARE IN CHRIST JESUS. YOU CAN SCRIPTURE YOUR WAY OUT OF ANY ARGUMENT. DO NOT CALL IMPURE THAT WHICH GOD HAS MADE CLEAN. ETC ETC. I AM A CHRISTIAN LESBIAN WHO DRINKS ALCOHOL SOMETIMES. I HAVE ACCEPTED SALVATION BY THE DEATH AND RESURRECTION OF JESUS CHRIST AS A ONCE AND FOR ALL SACRIFICE FOR MY SINS. BUT ROMANS 6 SAYS THIS:
“IN THE SAME WAY, COUNT YOURSELVES DEAD TO SIN BUT ALIVE TO GOD IN CHRIST JESUS. DO NOT LET SIN REIGN IN YOUR MORTAL BODY SO THAT YOU OBEY ITS EVIL DESIRES. DO NOT OFFER THE PARTS OF YOUR BODY TO SIN, AS INSTRUMENTS OF WICKEDNESS, BUT RATHER OFFER YOURSELVES TO GOD, AS THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN BROUGHT FROM DEATH TO LIFE; AND OFFER THE PARTS OF YOUR BODY TO HIM AS INSTRUMENTS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS. FOR SIN SHALL NOT BE YOUR MASTER, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT UNDER LAW, BUT UNDER GRACE. WHAT THEN? SHALL WE SIN BECAUSE WE ARE NOT UNDER LAW BUT UNDER GRACE? BY NO MEANS!”
…AND IT GOES ON AND ON. THAT PORTRAYS AN IRON ROD BEATING OF PUNISHMENT FOR ANYTHING CALLED SIN; ANYTHING IMPERFECT. I CAN NEVER AND WILL NEVER BE PERFECT! THAT IS WHY I RAN FROM THE CHURCH YEARS AGO; COULD NO LONGER TAKE THE PRESSURE.
I COULD STRIVE EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE TO BE PERFECT AND NOT SIN, AND I WOULD SURELY FAIL EVERY SINGLE DAY. IT’S A DOWNWARD SPIRAL OF FAILURE AND SELF-PUNISHMENT FOR ME. I CANNOT DO THAT. I USED TO CONSTANTLY LIVE THAT WAY – DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF FOR WHO I WAS AND HOW I COULD NEVER MEET THE MARK. PUNISHING MYSELF, HURTING MYSELF EVEN. IT WAS A MILITANT FRUSTRATION AND IT WAS ME AGAINST MYSELF. I COULD NEVER WIN.
I WANT TO KNOW AND LOVE GOD, BUT I WANT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD TO BE BETWEEN GOD AND ME. I AM NOT COMPELLED TO CHANGE MY LIFE. I AM SOLID IN WHO I AM AND WILL NEVER BE ANYTHING BUT WHO I AM. THIS MAKES ME WANT TO RUN AWAY. JUST TAKE OFF AND RUN AWAY. BUT I AM OLDER NOW, AND I KNOW NOT TO DO THAT. I KNOW TO STAY, TO STAND, AND SOMEHOW THIS WILL RESOLVE WITH TIME. I THROW MYSELF ON GOD’S MERCY. I NEED MERCY SO BAD. THIS IS ME, GOD. PLEASE TAKE ME AS I AM AND DO WITH ME WHAT YOU WILL. I AM HELPLESS AND AFRAID.
