The Heart of a Missionary

Sometimes I wonder what is in the heart of a missionary. By missionary I mean someone who moves to another country, overseas and abroad, with the stated purpose being to tell people about Jesus. That thought just crossed my mind this is this morning.

In the church I used to attend, I picked up a sense that the reason for telling people about Jesus was almost rooted in disdain, maybe anger, maybe with a tinge of disgust.  I'm not saying that was their intention as they taught about missions; that's just how my very zealous mind interpreted what I heard. 

We were taught not to have friends who weren't Christians. In other words, not to associate with those who were not family. When I did "reach across the aisle," so to speak, or when I did feel the urge to witness to someone, it was more with an underlying feeling of putting on gloves and reaching into a pit of muck and stench to pull someone up. I felt it was my duty as a Christian because they needed to be thankful for the great sacrifice Jesus made for them, dying on the cross.

Now. I do believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. However, my thoughts have broadened greatly since I've admitted to myself and to the world that I am a lesbian; someone not necessarily acceptable to the church and society of which I formerly was a part. Now, I feel like I am seen by my former family as one in the pit of stench who needs to be pulled out, hosed off, and pushed forward into their idea of correct living.

It took me many long years to reconcile my innate homosexuality with my genuine love for God. I had been taught God's love was not available to my caliber of sinner. It took me years to learn and to truly believe God loves me exactly the way I am.

That part of my life story is an entire novel in and of itself but for today I will stick to my original topic. What is a missionary? I believe all Christians are called to live as missionaries. However, I don't believe Jesus wants us to walk around with our noses figuratively up in the air as we stoop down to sacrificially warns people who do not know Jesus that He is the one and only way to get to heaven.

So what is the heart of a missionary? My objective in writing this blog is not to sculpt my own blanket definition of what a missionary is. My objective is to get you to think about it. What is your opinion on that topic? What is your answer to that question?

I don't believe there is one and only one specific right answer. I can tell you, however, a few things that I believe are a part of the definition of a missionary: 

Love people.

Live what you talk about; let your life line up with your words.

Love.

Love, love, love! Isn't that God's underlying reason for everything? Everything He does for us is rooted in love. I John 4:8 says, "God IS love." I don't think he can make it any clearer.

So go give people love and, in so doing, give them God.

Make friends. Be nice to people. Be genuinely nice to people. Love people, just like God loves you.

Don't judge. Don't judge anyone. Don't judge anyone, ever. That is a high goal; I will readily admit that I am far from perfect in that area but I am working on it. I will say that God has helped me become a lot better at loving people, loving people more and judging them less.

Judging is God's business. Loving is our business.

Be a regular person. Live among regular people. And if there truly is a light inside of you, they will see it. 

People are drawn to light. People are drawn to kindness. Pray for people. Pray for their needs without bragging about it.

Be happy. Don't be fake happy, but know God. Know who God is to you. Spend time talking to God; getting to know God- and that will make you a happy person.

You don't have to be a spiritual Roto Rooter to drill into someone's psyche, loosen up who they are and force God down their throat. Just love.

Be a missionary. Hand out love for free. That's what God is all about really: love for free, for anyone and everyone. 

God is love. You be love, too. Let's all strive and pray to have the heart of a missionary.

<p><I>Isaiah 55:1- Is anyone thirsty? Come and drink--even if you have no money! Come, take your choice of wine or milk--it's all free! "</I></p>

<I>Revelation 22:17- "The Spirit and the bride say, 'Come.' Let anyone who hears this say, 'Come.' Let anyone who is thirsty come. Let anyone who desires drink freely from the water of life. "<I>

Turning Up Roses

In Starbucks on this crisp, happy spring morning. Just stopped by to make a drop off at Goodwill. So far, it's a good day.

Though I will say I am somewhat hungry... maybe more like just short of ravenous. Over the past month or so, I've been transitioning to the vegan lifestyle. I'm finding this change very rewarding and also refreshing. Though finding vegan foods at public eateries is proving challenging.

This morning, I am about to enjoy a grande soy latte. After it cools a little.  :)

One thing I'm VERY excited about is themyanned move next week OUT of my apartment and INTO a real, free-standing SINGLE-FAMILY-HOME house! And it's beautiful,  and spacious, and wonderful. Brick and wood outside,  all wooden inside, it was built in the 1940s and has cozy, homey features like 12-foot ceilings and transome windows above the doorways.  The landlord is a kind, calm and friendly FAMILY man who lives next door and, as it turns out, goes to our church.

So no more noisy neighbors,  no more band practice above my bedroom until the wee hours, and no more frantic hurrying from the car to the door,  holding my breath to stave off the repugnant second-hand from my neighbor who loved to suck nicotine outside her door as she sent and received incessant text messages that beeped and beeped and beeped....

No, no more of that. I anticipate happy mornings in a sunny kitchen, cats swirling gently around my ankles as I swirl fragrant coffee in my mug. I anticipate looking out over a happy back yard surrounded by wooden fences and seeing the small vegetable garden I will plant.

Yes, everything is turning up roses... which,  by the way, I will be planting in the flower bed along the front side of the house.

Pictures to come.

God loves me SO MUCH! And I love Him right back. :)

Senitnelav Yad: A Story

This had been a Valentine's Day I would never forget. Holding her close, I drifted off to sleep. I smiled into the dark, elated by the possibilities that came with the beginning of this new relationship. We had traveled to heaven together, and I never wanted to leave. She whispered in my ear that she loved the sound of my heartbeat.

Finaly exhausted, we lay still together. Any concept of time was lost to us both. Passionate lovemaking consumed us. We collapsed on the bed.  Unquenchable fire followed undressing... followed touching... followed kissing... followed a gentle approach. No words were spoken.

We went inside my apartment.  I led the way up two flights of stairs with her following me. Anticipation was boiling my brain. Sitting in the car she gave me an expectant, teasing, somewhat sultry, knowing look.  Parking my car was a challenge because her soft, sexy voice had me so distracted.

I turned my car into the gate to my complex . So enchanted was I in her, I almost missed my turn.  I asked if she would like to come see where I lived.

I opened the car door for her like a true, classy gentlewoman. Tentatively, she took my hand as we walked through the restaurant parking lot. Finally, we agreed that it was time to get going.

We lingered and talked forever.  I had never known someone with whom I had so many things in common and with whom I shared such a deep mutual attraction and understanding. The evening flowed smoothly and dreamlike, without a hitch.

Standing in the cold, I pulled her close to me. Distinguishing between the stars in the sky and the stars in her eyes was intoxicating. I breathed in her beauty as she stepped outside her house.

I had finally asked her out, and I was so glad I had summoned up the courage to do so! Hearing her say the word YES made me glow from the inside out.

"Could I take you to dinner on Valentine's Day?" The conversation wound its way down a curly path to an expectant, tingling end.  Leaning her elbow on the countertop behind her, she smiled at me. I was almost certain that what we had been doing could be defined as flirting. We talked some and laughed some, volleying cute phrases back and forth. I followed her into the breakroom.

She was beautiful. Shiny, brunette hair with dark brown eyes and lashes that seemed to beckon me closer. Every time she passed by me, my pulse quickened. She came to work at my company about three months ago, and I'd had somewhat of a crush on her from very early on.

Her name was Audrey.

Some of My Favorite Things from 2014

1.  Discovered Trader Joe's
2.   New work assignment
3.  Got a raise
4.  My car was dead,  dead,  dead and a very kind and generous someone paid to have it fixed for me.
5.  When my car was acting up again,  another person came over one Sunday morning and helped me fix it for cheap.
6.  Lena and I officially decided to move in together
7.  Got to better know a lot of friends at work.
8.  Made plans for an AWESOME AMAZING BIRTHDAY GIFT FOR LENA THAT I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT... but am keeping my lips zipped about so it will be a 100% surprise. :-) Her bday comes in March.
9.  Discovered Grey's Anatomy
10.  Spent minimal money on Christmas by making most of my gifts.
11.  Realized did not want to become an art therapist because I really don't enjoy talking to crazy people about their problems.  This is due in part to my experiences doing volunteer work at the crisis phone line. Haha...
12.  Realized I have a tendency to throw myself headlong into things with so much passion and fervor that I burn out quickly and become resentful.  I saw that I need to take things more slowly and with smaller steps.
13.  Reunited better with my best friend from college.
14.  Discovered Breaking Bad
15.  Renewed my lease on my apartment and lived in the same place for more than one year for the first time in my adult life.
16.  Had my 2nd year anniversary with Lena.
17.  Finally caught up with The Walking Dead series on TV.

Lots more but that's all I can think of right now.  Toodles.

Here and Now

Before starting as a volunteer for a crisis phone line in my local area, I went through in-depth training with a class of peers. Part of that training involved keeping callers focused on the reason the called, or the crisis they were experiencing in the here and now. Sometimes doing so takes focused effort on the part of the phone counselor, but it is vital in order to fulfill the purpose of the phone center.

As a crisis center, we are just that; we are there to support callers experiencing a current crisis. We are not a professional counseling service, though we can provide referrals to excellent counselors if the caller is interested. We are not there to re-hash with callers, over and over, something that happened in their lives 30 years ago. Our main concern is to ask, "How are you doing TODAY? What's going on TODAY?" Then we go from there, and form a plan of action to help each caller make it through their "here and now" crisis.

This weekend, I've done a good bit of thinking about living in the here and now in my own life. Just so happened, when I opened up today's reading in The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie, the first paragraph addressed just that; living in the here and now. Imagine that.

Today, let's talk about living in the here and now. Not dwelling on the past, not worrying about the future, but focusing primarily on TODAY, and the benefits of living that way. Let's begin with not dwelling on the past.

Here is a scripture familiar to some of us: Isaiah 43:18-19 in the Revised Standard Version reads, “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

When we dwell on the past, we are not tapping into what is around us in the present, nor what is available for us in the future. Our time wastes away when we replay, over and over, former failures, long-ago losses and past pains.

Recently I faced a situation in my own life where I had to pray for help letting go of the past. A former partner of mine passed away, suddenly and at an early age. I felt grief when I learned of this, but also felt confused at my grief. You see, I suffered worlds of verbal and emotional abuse in my relationship with her. I finally broke up with her for the last time when she became physically abusive. I have experienced vast amounts of inner healing in the years since that relationship, but still had a painful, wounded place inside me. I wondered why I was grieving someone who hurt me so badly.

I hadn't noticed I was carrying that open wound until the news of her death stirred up my emotions and memories of her, memories of that relationship. So I journaled, prayed, and cried until I came to the realization that I needed to FORGIVE her and move on. A lack of forgiveness can keep up bound to the past, as painful as that past might be. I prayed and asked God to help me truly forgive her and move forward with my life. God is working on me; it hasn't been an instantaneous thing, this forgiveness and healing... but I trust God's process.

"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old."

Another hangup we can encounter is that of worrying about the future.

Jesus Himself said, in Matthew 6:27, "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" Also, Philippians 4:6 encourages us: "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done."

If we worry about tomorrow, we are not paying attention to things we need to handle today. And believe me, I'm talking to myself as much as to anyone else. If I get tangled up, worrying about how I will pay bills, I will not be focused on doing my best at my job where I earn the money to pay bills. If I fixate on my future dreams, goals and callings, I might not notice ministry opportunities - people to help and to love - that are all around me right here and right now.

That's another area I'm learning about, in myself, these days. I grew up hearing a lot about finding my CALLING... and finding your calling is a good thing... but I submit to you that your calling is not your someday future... your calling is what you function in TODAY, in the here and now.

At the crisis line, we ask callers, "What's happening in your life that had you call us today?" I encourage you to STOP... just pause... take a breath... and take look at yourself.

Where are you?

What is going on around you?

How are you feeling?

What is God saying to you right now?

...Because THAT is your "here and now."

In closing, I encourage you to read the book of Esther in the Old Testament. Esther was an ordinary girl who ended up in a very extraordinary position. She was able to work from that position of power and influence to rescue her family and her people, the Jews. However, she reached a crossroads where she had to make a decision, and was given a crucial message that pushed her in the right direction. Esther 4:14 reads, "For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”

"For such a time as this." What are you called to TODAY?

May God bless you as you walk in the here and now. He's doing a NEW thing, even NOW... do you not perceive it?