Breathe Out

There are a lot of things I could write about today.  I have a Blue October song resounding in my head.  The song reminds me of my bipolar ex... vindictively blaming, using anger and emotional abuse as a means of trying to extract love and pity.  Sad memories.  My being is stained from the time I spent with her.

So let's make a list... my right-now stream of consciousness... alphabetically.

A - anger
B - blame casting
C - caring is where I live now
D - defiance
E - easy; things are easy when life is happy
F - fear
G - God
H - hearing and listening
I - intuition; giving credence to that
J - Jesus
K - keep the good things
L - love; I have lots of it
M - meanness (a signal to turn and walk the other direction)
N - never again; never go back
O - only one 
P - purity; clean love
Q - who ever uses Q anyway
R - released from where I was before
S - safe
T - tears
U - unveiled
V - vindictive
W - walk away
X - same as q
Y - yellow
Z - Zion

I am ever grateful to be free of that relationship.  Ever grateful for the "normalness" in which my existence now rests.  Though a bit melancholy for the passion, blood and daggers that came along with that insane relationship.

It's one or the other, maybe... well, that's what I mean when I say that relationship has stained my being.  In my mind, sort of, it's like... you can either have normal, healthy and calm... or crazy, abusive and passionate.

I'm sure that's not true.  I'm just sharing my thoughts and the feelings that have, presently, floated to the top of my emotion soup.

Later today I am going to visit my family.  That should be nice.  And there will be kids there, which should promise a continual flow of activity and mild chaos, enough to keep my mind out of the box in which it loves to curl up and fester.

Dramatic, right?

This is me today.  Actually, this is just me IN THE MOMENT.  I won't stay here long.  

Just need to get that song out of my head.  I need a NEW song.  😊



 

Okay, so here are some thoughts about God!  Good thoughts  😊

A - always with me
B - believe; all you need to do
C - caring
D - death is over
E - even flow through life
F - free
G - good
H - hearing; God hears me
I - independent
J - Jesus again  😊
K - keep the torch lit
L - love
M - mercy
N - newness
O - open minded
P - praise
Q...
R - rest and peace
S - saved from sadness
T - trust
U - unbelievable... yet real
V - validation
X...
Y - years and years and forever
Z - wow... those were good thoughts   😊 😊 😊

Aight, I feel better.  Whew!  I don't like dark moments.

Wishing you a day of quiet thoughts, rest, peace and light.