PTRS notes

I am having extreme, almost overwhelming (flashbacks?) from a terrible past relationship.  Triggers in tv shows I watched tonight.  So I looked some stuff up and here it is.

These are not original thoughts; they are cut and pasted from websites.  I just want to get them down in one place.  And I'm not citing my sources; just acknowledging.

Some words are from me.

PTRS doesn’t involve the same avoidance that characterizes PTSD.

With PTRS, you may find yourself unable to avoid memories or reminders of the traumatic relationship, and you remain fully aware of what happened. Since you can’t numb yourself to the distress, you might cope by trying to manage your emotional response instead.

PTRS differs from PTSD in a few other key ways:

A diagnosis of PTSD involves experiencing or witnessing a threat of physical harm, including injury or death. You can experience PTRS without ever facing physical harm.

PTSD diagnostic criteria don’t list any specific symptoms for people who experience relationship trauma, while symptoms of PTRS center around relationship trauma and its long-term effects.

Key symptoms of PTRS include rage, horror, and fear toward the abusive partner. With PTSD, you might experience anger or rage, but this isn’t a key symptom for everyone.

an initial response of terror, horror, and rage toward the abusive partner

intrusive, arousal, and relational symptoms that began after the abuse

Anything that leads you to re-experience the trauma can fall into the category of intrusive symptoms.

This might include:

flashbacks, or feeling as if you’re experiencing the abuse in the present moment

nightmares

intrusive thoughts or rumination

fear and other emotional distress when remembering the abuse

physical sensations of anxiety, such as a pounding heart, shaking, or sweating palms, when remembering the abuse

With traumatic stress, your body remains in a near constant state of hyperarousal to leave you better prepared to respond to the threat of abuse.

The hormones involved can:

contribute to insomnia and other sleep problems

leave you on edge and struggling to concentrate

lead to restlessness, irritability, and anger

trigger feelings of panic or anxiety

Remaining vigilant to any possible threat can leave you constantly on edge, unable to relax or feel safe. This can make it difficult to maintain healthy routines, like eating balanced meals or getting enough sleep.

 Due to the slow and insidious nature of PTRS, you might not notice symptoms until after the relationship ends. The relational patterns and relationship itself, rather than a single event, become the trauma. You may notice that you have lower self-esteem, blame yourself for relational troubles, or feel more insecure than you once did.2 PTSD and PTRS share their foundational impact: A belief after experiencing the trauma that the world is unsafe.

Relationship PTSD can be difficult to recognize because it typically happens over a long period of time instead of one traumatic event (the difference between Complex PTSD and typical PTSD). As a result, PTRS can include a pervasive sense of feeling unsafe, out of control, shame or guilt, and thoughts that feel like they come out of nowhere and are difficult to get rid of.

Intrusive Symptoms of PTRS

Intrusive symptoms are symptoms related to re-experiencing trauma, including:1,4

Thoughts about the trauma that feel like they come out of nowhere

Flashbacks or feeling like you’re reliving the experience(s) in the form of images, intrusive thoughts, or daydreams

Nightmares or dreams about the trauma, whether in the context of the dream or just consistent negative or scared feelings in the dreams

Feeling extreme distress when reminded of the trauma by either the person in the relationship or a reminder of the perpetrator

Emotional responses that are overblown considering the current emotional stressor

Arousal Symptoms of PTRS

Arousal symptoms are symptoms related to the fear response, including:

Increased irritability with little or no provocation

Insomnia, particularly difficulty falling or staying asleep

Hypervigilance or being “on guard” at all times but particularly when reminded of the trauma

“The way to heal from relational trauma is to engage in safe, loving relationships with safe, loving people. It is true that ‘love heals.’

Relationship PTSD Is Real—Here's How Experts Explain It

It's part of the fallout from having an abusive partner.

 "scared and intimidated and controlled"

"jealous and controlling" 

"little things you could do wrong that could take away from the happiness."

(sidebar from a different dark moment from a past friendship scenario:  "GO... HOME... NOW!!!")

Really?  REALLY?????????  That's enough of that.  I hope you're enjoying your life now and the fat, fantastic way all THAT turned out.  I was never able to be directly honest with or express anger toward you either.  C'est la vie.  No, fuck it!

People with PTSD have intense, disturbing thoughts and feelings related to their experience that last long after the traumatic event has ended. "They may relive the event through flashbacks or nightmares; they may feel sadness, fear or anger; and they may feel detached or estranged from other people," Dr. Tendler says. Those with PTSD may avoid situations or people that remind them of the traumatic event, and they may have strong negative reactions to something as ordinary as a loud noise or an accidental touch.

"I remind trauma survivors that they are not alone and that feelings of shame and guilt after enduring trauma are normal," 

She also explains to them why this occurs by discussing changes in the brain, 

tend to blame themselves when a loved and trusted individual TREATS THEM as subservient and routinely gaslights and dejects them.

Any kind of abuse—whether it be physical, emotional, mental, sexual, etc.—can lead to PTSD, as abuse is a highly emotionally distressing experience.

The overactivation of stress hormones causes the victim of abuse to experience a fight, flight or freeze response, which makes it near impossible for the individual to focus on anything else.

PTSD symptoms like hypervigilance, anxiety, flashbacks, nightmares, and trouble concentrating.

A major key to healing from the abuse and alleviating harmful symptoms of PTSD is working with a counselor.

But right now I don't want to be mooshy touchy feely happy loving and healing.  Right now I am ANGRY and I want to FEEL and BE angry.  So, right now I am not looking for a solution.  Right now I am just learning about the problem.  I hate the problem.

Codependency robs us of a self and of self-love. We’ve learned to conceal who we really are

pleasing, rebelling against, or withdrawing from 

I listened to this song yesterday and I tear up every time I listen to it. Its helping me come in terms with with what I've been through. Really recommend it. Sending love your way <3

Posted by

u/JLord6996

4 days ago

Recovering

Today is a good day. I feel so incredibly free and content, truly content. I don't need to worry about things I say, the longing feeling for you isn't there, I don't care who you might be with, what you might be doing, if you're happier than I am, if you think about me. I made the right decision to not give up my whole life to please you forever. I was so close to doing it but thankfully you crossed boundaries where I never will give anybody a way out of. I can focus on people who actually like and love me, who treat me like a normal person, who believe I deserve love and can forgive my mistakes - something I always did with you to an extent where I accepted all the abuse to still show you what that feels like. I hope you figure out your life and become a better person for yourself and your future partners. But that's it. I don't want you back because the person I loved doesn't exist anymore. My shackles are broken, my mind no longer is a prisoner. I feel happy, I feel loved, I'm becoming a better person, advancing in life and people are showing me that I'm not the absolute filth of the earth you made me out to be. Has the last bad day passed concerning thoughts about us? Maybe, maybe not. But today is a good day and oh, how I have missed these kind of days. Today is a good day.

whodatwitch

·

6 yr. ago

Uh. Yeah. This happened to me in an old relationship. It's hard to tell people how the words and actions of another can induce such fear, when it seems like the least traumatic situation. I had a very hard time coming to terms and getting over my experience, with panic attacks and flashbacks... and then trying to explain it to friends or family? It's hard.

Thankfully, our bodies and minds can heal :)

TransAllyM2F

·

9 mo. ago

Abuse is abuse no matter who is doing it. I'm so sorry you had to live through this, as someone who has lived through an abusive relationship at the hands of a woman, societies reaction can sometimes be devastating to say the least.

ChakraMama318

·

9 mo. ago

You are not alone. And this is NOT uncommon. I am so sorry that you had this experience- I promise that this isn’t the usual for most lesbian relationships. But we do not escape the statistics.

Posted by

u/ALthrowitaway

8 years ago

I wanted to list some warning signs of emotional abuse and/or manipulation. These might be smaller things that one lets slide. If these things are already happening, you might want to really take a look at your relationship.

You are nervous to tell your partner about very mundane things because you don’t know how they’ll react. This could be anything: going grocery shopping, receiving junk in the mail, talking to a friend on the phone, getting coffee. Any situation could potentially turn into a fight or a very negative response.

Gaslighting. This is when your partner seems to be convincing you that something did not happen or that certain things were not said. You may feel as if you need to keep a log of conversations to prove what happened.

OR you're too scared to contradict them... not that they will physically hurt you but because you're so tired of being screamed at and blamed... and not allowed to explain... or sick of feeling like you have to explain... circles and circles and circles... but it's always your fault your fault your fault....................

Impossible Rules. This is one I discovered on my own. This is when your partner creates rules or guidelines that either you cannot follow, or they change so frequently that you cannot keep up with them. 

You cannot have actions, emotions, and opinions that are not directed at your partner. You don’t like horror movies? This is an insult, because they love horror movies. You choose not to drink? You’re making them feel like a drunk and you should drink with them to prove you are okay with the action. You feel as if you can no longer have your own emotions anymore.

If you feel scared or threatened by your partner, they make you feel guilty about it. Let’s say your partner is screaming, they come towards you, and you shrink away. This makes them angry and they say – “Why are you moving away as if I’m going to hit you? How could you ever think that I was going to harm you?” Yeah this is just straight up wrong.

And OH the ACCUSATIONS!!!!!  I could go on and on and on and on.

And even though she died YEARS ago (literally, physically died of a heart attack) the memories and the fear the the anger and the terror are still there.

I hate her.  I hate how she made me feel.  I am angry.  I am deliriously angry.  I am also angry because I wAS NOT ALLOWED to express anger toward her!  I want to SCREAM at her but I had to always hold it in!!  NOOOO!!  It was ALWAYS my fault and she would get SOOO mad and always always leave and go sleep with somebody.  And stupid me always took her back.. always no, no, I still love you, it's okay, I'm sorry....

The last time was the time I did stand my ground and she hit me.  And that was it.  On the ground, I had this thought:  "I care about women in abusive relationships and long for them to get out of those relationships.  So I have to do that myself, to be able to say it happened to me and I ended it then and there."  And I called the police and she was arrested and then I was bad for having done that, she said.  Her mother hated me and thought I was a bitch for having her arrested, she said.  She had to stay in a cell all by herself and it was so cold and she was constantly terrified she would get raped by a guard, she said.

I say FUCK... HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM NOT SORRY!!!!!  I AM SO SICK OF BEING SORRY and SICK OF BEING SCARED even still today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd say she ruined my life but it WASN'T HERS TO RUIN!!!!! It is MY life and I've taken it BACK!!  Just every now and then I have to go through all this shit again because something reminds me and I explode inside... anxiety, anger, fear, frustration, etcetera, ad nauseum...........

It's over.  It's over.  It's years ago over.

It hurts.  It still hurts.

Good night.

Dreaming of Prison

As in, literally; two night ago, I dreamed I was in prison.  Get comfortable; this is sure to be  a riveting story.

At first, it was Lena who had been sentenced to prison.  We went to drop her off there at whatever women's prison... and I kept saying, "Baby, it's okay.  I love you so much.  You will get through this, and I will be waiting for you when this is over."  And I MEANT it.  No qualms, no second thoughts; I love her, loved her too in the dream, and she's my person.  Of COURSE I would be faithful and wait for her; no question about it.

Lena kept saying, "No, baby, you deserve to be happy and free.  I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but I will be in here for six long years and you deserve more than that."  I was so brokenhearted that she would say such a thing and not believe that waiting for her would just be a natural behavior for me.

Then, in the dream, things turned and I was found to be responsible for whatever wrong that had been committed.  Lena was released, and I was put inside in her place.  And I felt exactly what she had been expressing, and she felt exactly what I had been expressing, when the situation had been reversed.  My heart was twisted just as hard on both sides of that situation.  I was able to more fully understand both points of view.

In my dream, the prison was actually a pretty peaceful place, with the (cell block??) being a large room, lit by a giant skylight in the high ceiling.  No harsh lights; just soft natural lighting.  Who knew; a prison with a lovely atria in the center!  In there, of course I felt scared to death but I think that had more to do with the fact that I was in a new and unfamiliar situation.  It was a decent, basically livable place.  I know real prison is not like that... but I "made this one up," you could say, so it ended up being pretty nice.

Two people to a cell in bunkbeds.  The bars of the cells were painted white and were rarely not left open.  The cells were along one side of this large room; the rest was filled with cafeteria tables, large sinks along the far edge, and few noticeable people.  It was calm and actually soothing.

When new inmates showed up, their new cellmates would stand outside the cell entrance at attention with their shoulders perpendicular to the bars.  When the new person walked up, this person would welcome them in a "taking them in" kind of way, assuring them not to worry and that everything would be okay.  In an "arm around the shoulder" way.

From the inside, six years seemed like forever.  From the outside looking in, six years seemed like just a period of time that would soon be past and over with.

When Lena had been the inmate, she had worked in a little garden area off the side of the building.  Maybe a greenhouse sort of indoor place.  She had collected a whole lot of (something good to eat, maybe a sweet fruit??) and had placed piles of this near the cells on various tables.  Which is SO Lena; she loves to do nice things for people as small tokens of kindness.  The other inmates thought she was weird for doing that, at first, then came to appreciate her efforts.  She told me, "That might not be your way in, but it definitely worked for me.  Just an idea."

I must note, in the dream, sometimes Lena was Lena and sometimes Julianne Moore played the part of Lena.  Very surreal.

My my my.  What dreams we each see.  I've often imagined writing a novel where the main character stumbled from one dream situation to the next.  I'm not sure if the character would intermittently find reality or exist always in these states of confusion.  Also not sure what would be the climax of the story or how it would end.  But, yeah, might be a decent idea.

I know it's been forever since I've written.  Nothing to jog my desire to write like a strange dream.  haha

Take care, friends!

Nicole

Branch Off of a Monent

"Deeper and deeper in these quiet times
Everything in Your heart, please make it mine
Thank You for loving me, giving me breath
I want to walk in the path of Your steps."

--Nicole Henderson
June 11, 2020
a prayer that was sung
in a quiet patch of time
seeking mindfulness
seeking to know God better
my Abba, my Papa
I will celebrate my Papa this Fathers' Day

Tamarisk Trees on Thanksgiving

I just read, in Genesis 21, where Abraham planted a Tamarisk tree at a place he named Beersheba.  The tree was planted to mark the place where he had made a covenant with Abimelech, a king from the Philistines.

I was curious, so I dug and learned about Tamarisk trees.  Wanted to share what I discovered because it was very interesting.  (Down here in the land of cypress, oak and pine trees, I had never seen a Tamarisk tree.... LOL)

Here is are clippings  from https://ww2.odu.edu/~lmusselm/plant/bible/tamarix.php and then from https://www.discovermoab.com/tamarisk-tree/ - so you can read more if you like.  I will include some pictures at the end.

PS - Happy Thanksgiving!!
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"The tamarisk has small scale like leaves and small branches which give the tree a pine-like appearance. During the heat of the day the tamarisk secretes salt, a process very wasteful of water. The salt dries. During the night the salt absorbs water from the air. In the morning the water evaporates creating a sort of natural air-conditioning. This cooling effect is another reason for its popularity as a shade tree.

"Attractive pink or white flowers are produced during the winter, although a tree may flower any time during the year. The fruits are wind dispersed but the tamarisk is easily propagated by cuttings."

"Tamarisk (also known as salt cedar) is a deciduous shrub or small tree from Eurasia. Tamarisk can grow as high as 25 feet tall. The bark on saplings and young branches is purplish or reddish-brown. Leaves are scale-like, alternate, with salt-secreting glands. Flowers are small and the petals are reddish, pinkish, or white. Each plant can produce as many as 500,000 seeds annually. The seeds are dispersed by wind, water, and animals. Seeds are small with a tuft of hair attached to one end enabling them to float long distances by wind and water. Seeds are short-lived and can germinate within 24 hours after dispersal, sometimes while still floating on the water."



  

the best things

The best things are not to be kept

They are a gift. But not to keep; to hold, to see, to experience for as long as they stay.

The best things are not to be grasped.

They are to be held gently.

And they should be allowed to fly away when their time comes.

We should not mourn their loss. They were never ours to lose.

We should keep only the memory of their visit, and be grateful those best things came to us for whatever time they stayed.

"Remember not the former things,     nor consider the things of old. 19 Behold, I am doing a new thing;     now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness     and rivers in the desert." --Isaiah 43:18-19 -------------------------

...think on that. 😉

Nicole 💕