Senitnelav Yad: A Story

This had been a Valentine's Day I would never forget. Holding her close, I drifted off to sleep. I smiled into the dark, elated by the possibilities that came with the beginning of this new relationship. We had traveled to heaven together, and I never wanted to leave. She whispered in my ear that she loved the sound of my heartbeat.

Finaly exhausted, we lay still together. Any concept of time was lost to us both. Passionate lovemaking consumed us. We collapsed on the bed.  Unquenchable fire followed undressing... followed touching... followed kissing... followed a gentle approach. No words were spoken.

We went inside my apartment.  I led the way up two flights of stairs with her following me. Anticipation was boiling my brain. Sitting in the car she gave me an expectant, teasing, somewhat sultry, knowing look.  Parking my car was a challenge because her soft, sexy voice had me so distracted.

I turned my car into the gate to my complex . So enchanted was I in her, I almost missed my turn.  I asked if she would like to come see where I lived.

I opened the car door for her like a true, classy gentlewoman. Tentatively, she took my hand as we walked through the restaurant parking lot. Finally, we agreed that it was time to get going.

We lingered and talked forever.  I had never known someone with whom I had so many things in common and with whom I shared such a deep mutual attraction and understanding. The evening flowed smoothly and dreamlike, without a hitch.

Standing in the cold, I pulled her close to me. Distinguishing between the stars in the sky and the stars in her eyes was intoxicating. I breathed in her beauty as she stepped outside her house.

I had finally asked her out, and I was so glad I had summoned up the courage to do so! Hearing her say the word YES made me glow from the inside out.

"Could I take you to dinner on Valentine's Day?" The conversation wound its way down a curly path to an expectant, tingling end.  Leaning her elbow on the countertop behind her, she smiled at me. I was almost certain that what we had been doing could be defined as flirting. We talked some and laughed some, volleying cute phrases back and forth. I followed her into the breakroom.

She was beautiful. Shiny, brunette hair with dark brown eyes and lashes that seemed to beckon me closer. Every time she passed by me, my pulse quickened. She came to work at my company about three months ago, and I'd had somewhat of a crush on her from very early on.

Her name was Audrey.

Some of My Favorite Things from 2014

1.  Discovered Trader Joe's
2.   New work assignment
3.  Got a raise
4.  My car was dead,  dead,  dead and a very kind and generous someone paid to have it fixed for me.
5.  When my car was acting up again,  another person came over one Sunday morning and helped me fix it for cheap.
6.  Lena and I officially decided to move in together
7.  Got to better know a lot of friends at work.
8.  Made plans for an AWESOME AMAZING BIRTHDAY GIFT FOR LENA THAT I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT... but am keeping my lips zipped about so it will be a 100% surprise. :-) Her bday comes in March.
9.  Discovered Grey's Anatomy
10.  Spent minimal money on Christmas by making most of my gifts.
11.  Realized did not want to become an art therapist because I really don't enjoy talking to crazy people about their problems.  This is due in part to my experiences doing volunteer work at the crisis phone line. Haha...
12.  Realized I have a tendency to throw myself headlong into things with so much passion and fervor that I burn out quickly and become resentful.  I saw that I need to take things more slowly and with smaller steps.
13.  Reunited better with my best friend from college.
14.  Discovered Breaking Bad
15.  Renewed my lease on my apartment and lived in the same place for more than one year for the first time in my adult life.
16.  Had my 2nd year anniversary with Lena.
17.  Finally caught up with The Walking Dead series on TV.

Lots more but that's all I can think of right now.  Toodles.

Here and Now

Before starting as a volunteer for a crisis phone line in my local area, I went through in-depth training with a class of peers. Part of that training involved keeping callers focused on the reason the called, or the crisis they were experiencing in the here and now. Sometimes doing so takes focused effort on the part of the phone counselor, but it is vital in order to fulfill the purpose of the phone center.

As a crisis center, we are just that; we are there to support callers experiencing a current crisis. We are not a professional counseling service, though we can provide referrals to excellent counselors if the caller is interested. We are not there to re-hash with callers, over and over, something that happened in their lives 30 years ago. Our main concern is to ask, "How are you doing TODAY? What's going on TODAY?" Then we go from there, and form a plan of action to help each caller make it through their "here and now" crisis.

This weekend, I've done a good bit of thinking about living in the here and now in my own life. Just so happened, when I opened up today's reading in The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie, the first paragraph addressed just that; living in the here and now. Imagine that.

Today, let's talk about living in the here and now. Not dwelling on the past, not worrying about the future, but focusing primarily on TODAY, and the benefits of living that way. Let's begin with not dwelling on the past.

Here is a scripture familiar to some of us: Isaiah 43:18-19 in the Revised Standard Version reads, “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

When we dwell on the past, we are not tapping into what is around us in the present, nor what is available for us in the future. Our time wastes away when we replay, over and over, former failures, long-ago losses and past pains.

Recently I faced a situation in my own life where I had to pray for help letting go of the past. A former partner of mine passed away, suddenly and at an early age. I felt grief when I learned of this, but also felt confused at my grief. You see, I suffered worlds of verbal and emotional abuse in my relationship with her. I finally broke up with her for the last time when she became physically abusive. I have experienced vast amounts of inner healing in the years since that relationship, but still had a painful, wounded place inside me. I wondered why I was grieving someone who hurt me so badly.

I hadn't noticed I was carrying that open wound until the news of her death stirred up my emotions and memories of her, memories of that relationship. So I journaled, prayed, and cried until I came to the realization that I needed to FORGIVE her and move on. A lack of forgiveness can keep up bound to the past, as painful as that past might be. I prayed and asked God to help me truly forgive her and move forward with my life. God is working on me; it hasn't been an instantaneous thing, this forgiveness and healing... but I trust God's process.

"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old."

Another hangup we can encounter is that of worrying about the future.

Jesus Himself said, in Matthew 6:27, "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" Also, Philippians 4:6 encourages us: "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done."

If we worry about tomorrow, we are not paying attention to things we need to handle today. And believe me, I'm talking to myself as much as to anyone else. If I get tangled up, worrying about how I will pay bills, I will not be focused on doing my best at my job where I earn the money to pay bills. If I fixate on my future dreams, goals and callings, I might not notice ministry opportunities - people to help and to love - that are all around me right here and right now.

That's another area I'm learning about, in myself, these days. I grew up hearing a lot about finding my CALLING... and finding your calling is a good thing... but I submit to you that your calling is not your someday future... your calling is what you function in TODAY, in the here and now.

At the crisis line, we ask callers, "What's happening in your life that had you call us today?" I encourage you to STOP... just pause... take a breath... and take look at yourself.

Where are you?

What is going on around you?

How are you feeling?

What is God saying to you right now?

...Because THAT is your "here and now."

In closing, I encourage you to read the book of Esther in the Old Testament. Esther was an ordinary girl who ended up in a very extraordinary position. She was able to work from that position of power and influence to rescue her family and her people, the Jews. However, she reached a crossroads where she had to make a decision, and was given a crucial message that pushed her in the right direction. Esther 4:14 reads, "For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”

"For such a time as this." What are you called to TODAY?

May God bless you as you walk in the here and now. He's doing a NEW thing, even NOW... do you not perceive it?

Count the Cost

Today let's talk about God... God's nature, God's character, things like that. I would like to share a few concepts that stood out to me while I read today's portion of the One Year Bible.

Nehemiah 9:8 reads, "You have done what You promised, for You are always true to Your word." Isn't that wonderful? God ALWAYS fulfills His promises. No ifs, ands or buts. Always.

In our individual daily quests to be more like the One who made us and loves us so deeply, it strikes me that keeping our own promises would be a good step in that direction. So let's dig into what goes into making promises, and how to keep them to the best of our abilities.

In my relationship with Lena, we make "pinkie promises." Sure it's silly... but when one of us offers our pinkie, between her and me, that is sacred. It's cute and all... but a pinkie promise between us says, "I seriously, truly GUARANTEE you this is true and I will keep my word." Pinkie promises are not to be messed with! :-)

One principle to which we should hold when making promises is the idea of counting the cost. Luke 14:28 says, “But don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it?" According to this, we should think about whether we are able to fulfill a promise before we make it.

We should not throw our words around... to impress people, to get forgiveness, or even out of strong emotion; for example, because we feel sorry for someone and want to help. Don't promise it unless you can provide it. Empty promises are worth no more than the wind that carries them.

Keeping promises is also of great importance when we consider promises made to God. Ecclesiastes 5:4 says, "When you make a promise to God, don’t delay in following through, for God takes no pleasure in fools. Keep all the promises you make to him."

My desire is for God's character to show in my life. I mess up sometimes; say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing... but my desire to show Christ's character is deep. I ask forgiveness and move forward. The same is available to you.

So let's count the cost and make good, solid promises. We will become more like God when we do this, and grow closer to Him while we seek to please Him and to know Him better.

Hello, Hello...

My cat Leroy... that's his line... he says it at night, wandering through my apartment, like he is lost and alone in the dark. I mean, it's a version of "meow," but it really does sound like, "HELLOOOOOOOOO??"

Anyway, hello to anyone reading this. Been awhile. Haven't felt like I had anything important enough to write and publish. What I say today isn't important or anything, either; just though I'd post a blog. Just for the heck of it.

So, here goes. This weekend, I'm supposed to be meeting one of my two recently-discovered sisters. Not sure it will really happen; this is still sort of unreal to me. Meeting this girl is going to bring this really fictional-seeming story into the light and it will become something real and actual. Kinda freaky... but I will follow through and see if we can actually make time-and-place plans and hope we hit it off. We already have kind of become friends, messaging on Facebook. It's just the face-to-face thing. Kinda nervous... kind of unsettled.

This "extra family" chapter in my life has made me realize one thing for sure: I SO appreciate my FAMILY! Extended family - aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents... because not ONCE did I ever go around any of my family wondering what they would think of me, whether they would like me, whether they would accept me. It was just a given; I was a PART, we all belonged there, and everybody was ok just as he or she was. Period. Now I'm faced with potentially meeting NEW family... people who have always been my relatives but whom I have never met and, until a year or so ago, had never known about. Now I'm going to wonder, "What do they think of me? Do they like me? Do they think I'm snobby/quiet/nerdy/fat/pretty/etcetera?" Never had to do that before.

I met a "new" aunt last Sunday. She was really nice. I made a point not to say much beyond what was asked of me. Then I wondered if that had seemed aloof and snobby. I am totally my worst critic. The afternoon went well; I should just leave it at that and not overthink stuff.

What else, what else... I've kind of pulled in a little. Before writing this, I reread my last post and it sounded like I was starting to do that even back then. I have not been to church in months. God and I are fine; I'm not at all insecure about that relationship. I just got tired of going to church; didn't see a point in it, so I... stopped. Probably I really just "paused," but I have not been in awhile. I will probably start again at some point. Now, though... I just have no interest in the whole dog-and-pony Sunday routine. Blah.

Lena has not gone either. We've talked about it; I wanted her to go on her own if she wanted to go. I wanted to know I would not feel abandoned or anything else crazy like that. She has had many of the same sentiments I've had about Sunday morning church and so the two of us have been staying home.

I still read my Bible, about as much as I have for awhile now. I talk to God. God talks to me. I'm okay.

The job interview I was hoping on... did not pan out into a job. So I'm still at my same job. I make a decent rate per hour; I just have so much to pay out each month, it's sometimes barely enough. But God is providing and I'm getting by.

We didn't go to Pride this year, either. We agreed, we were both bored with it; the same-ol' same-ol'... I wonder if Lena feels as unsettled in GENERAL as I do, lately. I'll have to ask her that.

Go somewhere new, hope for something better... I feel like I've spent my life from High School on, chasing the end of the rainbow. I want to move. I don't expect anything to be drastically better that here; I know that this world is what it is. Everywhere is pretty much the same, making allowances for weather and culture variances. Bosses are assholes; coworkers are irritating; family is, simultaneously, treasured and annoying; landlords are pricks; churches are full of imperfect people just like me... etcetera....

I don't know what I'm looking for, exactly. I would love to be able to point my finger and say, "THIS!! is what I want in life! This, right here!"... but I'm learning as I grow... there are few ultimates in this world. Even in the Christianly-promised afterlife... the Kingdom of God... I have been taught we will still have jobs, still have work, still have... life.

Eternal life. Heh...

I wish for eternal ESCAPE... something better than just plain life. I mean, I prefer life to death, of course... but... just life?? That doesn't seem too exciting to me.

Any thoughts on this, anyone? I'm all ears, and would love to hear your thoughts.

Until another time, then! :)