So This is New Year's...

New Year's Eve! Here I sit in Cyclone Laundry by LSU. Going to the NOLA WB after here to celebrate with my C. Prepared to ACCEPT... as I have been learning and realizing this week. Such a peaceful concept!

Last night, Luna and I had so much fun! Well *I* had fun... Luna was with me. :) I walked her all around Citiplace, where she inevitably found some snackage... then I spent some time in B&N, which was SOOOO wonderful and relaxing. After that, we went downtown. I was hoping to get shot... because the way I figure it, the best way for something NOT to happen is to hope for it... and voila, here I am today. LOL

We parked across from the LASM and went up the Levee... then down the other side. We walked around awhile then I found a place to pee and Luna kept watch again. She's a good friend. Then we walked around a little more and I decided, ehh, head home.

THEN I had to go through a police checkpoint on Sullivan Road. Dag nabbit. I got a ticket for my expired orange inspection sticker... but it was almost worth it, because Luna always barks her brains out at cops if I get stopped for any reason. She wanted to eat them raw, I swear. Das my girl. :)

Then we went home, I got a LOTTTTTT of sleep, and here I am, feeling pretty darn ok.

Will update later. Gotta check the dryer and my mind is not focusing very well today anyway.

RJ Ruffling His Feathers

I am on Carrie's bed. In Trish's house. And one must never forget that this is, indeed, Trish's house... whatever.

Last night, we went to the fantabulous buffet at Hollywood Casino in Bay St. Louis, MS. It was wonderful. I ate snow crab legs until I thought I was about to explode, we fed a little money to the penny and nickel slot machines, and then we headed home in the cold night. We had a beautiful, wonderful evening!

Earlier in the day, we went to Christmas at my mom's house. That was pretty nice also; pretty peaceful, minus the occasional Abelsplosions... but all was very nice and mostly pretty cheerful.

After the Christmas party, we headed back to NOLA to check on Carrie's pets. They had not been fed and were sorely in need of attention. We drove to MS, which was a nicely shortish drive, on the grand scale of things... and had a lovely, lovely evening. Then back here where we crashed and are just getting stirring for the day.

Carrie is in the shower. I need a shower but would almost be fine just pulling my hair up and hitting the road. I don't like it here. In Trish's house.

Boring movies on cable, the caramel/vanilla-ish smell of a candle burning... it's a pretty nice day nonetheless.

However, Carrie's truck in in Baton Rouge at the church and is likely to be locked into the back parking lot before we can get there. We had initially planned to go to church but sometimes these things fall through... I will have to contact someone to let us in the gate later. Carrie needs her truck; she has a really good and, in my opinion, promising... job interview in the morning!

Crash, Boom, Bang... Scoop, Clatter...

I am at Starbucks... making worthwhile the time-and-a-half holiday pay the owner of this store is paying his employees on this Christmas Eve. Yes, I am the patriarch of justice...

Blah blah blah, nothing much to say today, but still it helps me to say whatever "nothing" I have in my head.

So many memories are gone! Also, I feel this awful sense of stuck-ness... stuck in the now... I have a bleak outlook on my future. I need something NEW and INTERESTING in my life!! A zippity for my doo-dah. Life for me is so freakin' bland these days. Yuck yuck yuck. I want to move far, far away and have as little as possible to do with my family. Maybe I never should have come back from Dallas. Now I feel stuck. I SO do not want to be stuck. Life is boring. Blah. Humdrum. Let me OUTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to talk to Carrie about this because I am silently going crazy. She fusses at me for not talking to her more. I'm just so used to it always being the WRONG time for me to bring up WHATEVER was important to me at the time. But Carrie is not anyone but Carrie. Hopefully she will want to help me feel better and we can plan to move the hell out of here!!! I love her. I will not leave her, but I so want the two of us to leave together. Somewhere NEW. Ughh.

Going to the Christmas Eve service tonight at church. God, I really need something special from you tonight. I need a spark of hope. Hope would really hit the spot for me right now. Thank you... I know you hear my prayers.

He Hasn't Seen Ronnie in a Long, Long Time

Jefferson CC's. Nice because it doesn't smell like burned toast like usual. Not nice because it's not the ORIGINAL Jefferson CC's... with Margot and where I would sit and read my Bible every morning before work... and where I would sometimes dash to at lunch from the Baton Rouge Mental Health Center.

I need help. Something is wrong with me.

I need to journal more. I need to regain that outlet. I NEED to MOVE OUT of KEVIN's HOUSE!! That would take a lot of stress off me right away.

I need to join some clubs, make some new friends, get active again. RUN again. Get off my butt and shake up my "normal".

I need a new normal.

I am dying to get out of Baton Rouge, move away from here and start fresh again. Move to a new big city, learn my way around and make a nest for myself.

But not yet. I will not leave my Ma-Ma. She has to leave first. And that seems awful, because I'm not on pins and needles for her to go ANYWHERE... though I'm sure she'd rather be in heaven than in the life she's living these days.

I am so depressed. It started yesterday. I just feel yucky.

I love Luna. We have had some fun times yesterday and today. I love having a dog to take everywhere with me. Love my Lu. I'm so grateful that Carrie encouraged me to keep her instead of giving her away to make finding a place to live easier. I'm glad for that. My tendency is to shed my own to accomodate someone else, even if they're not asking. Carrie is different. Her love is real and different than anything I've had before because she spoke UP and said no, don't do that. She loves me AS-IS... not for what I can give or what I can become.

I feel hideously unattractive these days which leads to feeling awkward around beautiful Carrie. But she seems to like me... and she says she loves me... and I've learned not to argue with someone's declaration of love. I would hate to have that done to me. Carrie loves me and it is nice to be loved.

God, please change me. I feel pretty miserable. I need a new start and a good breath of cold, fresh air. Help, help, help. Please. Thanks.

After-Work Chill Time

I am in CC's on Airline/Bluebonnet. Last time I was here, I was with Carrie and so, so happy. So maybe I'm hoping to regain some of that... maybe I'm just trying to relax a little.

I just finished copying the photo-conglomeration inserts I have made for this year's Christmas cards and that is exciting!

I am anxious and troubled because, on Dec. 9, and maybe... Part of me wants what is coming... but more of me than anything would miss her terribly and is dreading what may come along with all of that. Well... I need to stop speculating and getting myself worked up about things I don't even know yet. But I don't want part of me to be gone. Because she truly is part of me.

I will see her tomorrow. I guess I'll bring Liefje too and stay all weekend. My sweet. I love her. This relationship is in a dimension I have not previously entered. The depth, the genuineness... the length, even. We had a rough time over the summer but that needed to happen to get us back on track. I never want to lose her.

I love my friends at church but hate their politics. I hate that politics is such a big issue at church. I guess if I AGREED with the main line of thought there... it would not be a big deal. But I vehemently disagree with most of the mainline political views at MCC and I have to hear about those things all the time. There's constant tension in me, and frustration.

Someone is singing "Let it Snow" over the stereo system here. So cheerful. I love the Christas season. This year more than before. Not sure what's different.

I need to get my money in order to get my own place again. There are so many things I want to do...but if I do them, I will never get my own place. I need to focus on that.

Thank You, God, for loving me and taking care of me. I am grateful for You.

It's De-lovely!

I am sitting in CC's on Bluebonnet & Airline. I am so happy right now... not excited or giddy, but just calmly delighted and happy. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the peppermint mocha mochasippi I'm working on and the holiday happiness I'm sensing inside me. This is wonderful!

Tonight was the first meeting of the meetup group I started, called the Baton Rouge Creativity Outlet. The meeting was excellent! 3 people besides me, and we were able to meet in the fellowship hall at MCC-BR. So great to meet these people!! Blake, Elizabeth and Gabe. Very creative and artsy-minded... the kind of people I crave the company of! EXCELLENT!! It was everything I'd hoped for, very inspiring and a good time of hanging out. Smart people with good ideas! And Blake made a hemp bracelet for me! Really good time.

Carrie is here with me, on Priceline bidding for a room for us tonight. I enjoy time alone with her... alone, no people OR pets... just us, and time, and peace and quiet. I value her and feel detracted from when there are always other beings around. I love our pets, don't get me wrong... but tonight... is so very nice. :)

I have been living with Kevin and am just about done. Literally, I have begun stocking my Hyundai Santa Fe with my belongings and am preparing to make it into living accomodations. Maybe even tomorrow night, who knows. It might even be fun. Though my goal is to save up and get my own place asap. Place with a full-size sleeping furniture and electricity and a shower. But in the meantime. :) I'm always up for a new experience. !!

So glad for church tomorrow, and so grateful for sweet Pastor Keith. Totally.

squish squish squish

Blah blah. There is a lot wrong with me. I need to learn to accept myself and be happy or I will remain miserable.

I am always angry and I don't like anyone. I have been finding a reason not to like every person I encounter. No one is right. They're too fat or too skinny,too ugly or too prissy, too poor or too rich, too black, too hispanic, too white... too young,too old, too grouchy looking, too happy looking... and it's not like I think everyone should be like me; I don't like myself either. So maybe I'm trying to drag society into my pit of NONE OF US ARE RIGHT AND NO ONE IS GOOD ENOUGH. That's crazy.

Been like this for awhile... and so I tried a strategy that worked for awhile. I imagined all the people I'd see in a store or wherever were my friends. I'd pretend like, oh look there's soandso... and I would feel happy to see them and I would smile at them. They usually smile back too. Melissa Etheridge was right when she wrote, you will find whatever you are looking for. If I am expecting scowls and rudeness, I will never be disappointed. Maybe take it from another angle.

Even my fat clothes are getting too tight. I have to find a way to stop gaining weight. I need to run again. Desperately.

Hits Home Like Ice

I am at Starbucks in DS. I recently found out a very dear friend of mine from college works here. She is from the part of my life I closed the door on, and she does not know I closed the door. I am happy with my current life, but she does not know I am different.

I looked up to her. Turns out, she looked up to me as well. I kind of feel obligated to tell her I'm not the same person, but I don't want to crash her world. Not that I'm such a big cosmic influence - I don't mean that - but when anyone blends two otherwise supposed opposites and lives in harmony that way, it can really give some people a headache.

I want to plan a time to sit down with her, when she is not in the middle of work, and talk to her. I feel most of all compelled to be honest; not so much that I need to confess per se, but that I should not let her go around carrying this image of me that is incorrect.

Arrrrrrrghlhhhhhhhhhhh...... I have lost friends over being gay. I'm not going to NOT be gay, and I'm not ashamed... it's just... of only I could neatly compartmentalize my life and not have to explain anything to anybody.

I feel like I need to do some soul searching. I'm not sure what I'll be looking for... maybe peace.

burn

I AM ANGRY AND HATEFUL AND SICK TO DEATH OF ALL PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM SICK OF CREEPY PEOPLE AND TEENAGERS AND OF MY NEPHEW WHO WHINES AND SCREAMS THE MAJORITY OF THE TIME!!!!

I AM SICK OF PRESSURE, OF NOT HAVING ENOUGH MONEY AND OF NOT HAVING MY OWN CAR

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF LIVING WITH MY BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I ESPECIALLY HATE TEENAGERS AND THOSE SOUR OLD WOMEN WHO ALWAYS LOOK MISERABLE AND NOSY.

i am sick of me, sick of time, sick of life, sick of CIGARRETTES!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sick of drunk, sick of anger and lack of patience, sick of knowitalls, sick of people who can't spell............

SICK OF PEOPLE WHO ACT LIKE THEY'RE THE SUPERIOR SHIT!!!!

I want to go away, to just take off walking and not come back. I have been saving money for a car. What if I just took that money and didn't buy a fucking car, a financial liability, but just left with it and went as far as I could go.

fuck it I am sick of all this stress of all my effort NEVER FUCKING BEING ENOUGHto fucking please anybody I hate being PATRONIZED and I need to get away ALONE before I blow up and mess up my life

I Pick the Bucks Over the Stars

Sittin here. Chillin. Relaxed, only a little self-conscious about my goozle but beyond that I am taking an intentional break. I'm not even letting myself type fast. If I tried to do stream-of-consciousness writing right now, my hands would probably blow up. Whatever.

I need a break. I am trying to not worry about my babies at home (Luna, Hippie & Liefje). I am sitting in Starbucks because I wanted to go somewhere I could relax and I could only envision here, in one of their comfy chairs, reading a book. Working on a good book lately - "First the Dead" by Tim Downs.

I want my own vehicle. I do not want to live in New Orleans. Not right now anyway. I like my job. I would like to live near my job but I don't know how Carrie would feel about that. We could do it; we could make it work like that. We have been... seeing each other on the weekends. It's actually a relief. I overstress myself all the time about what whoever is thinking or what they want or what they like or don't like. It's a break for me, to be able to care about someone and breathe freely at the same time. Relationships are work! This of course wraps around to me; it is something in ME that needs to change. My perception, my way of pressuring myself, etcetera. It's always my fault but I'm the one casting the blame, ha............

There is a guy at the table across this part of the room from me. I instantly assume he thinks I'm ugly. He probably isn't thinking anything about me at all. I am the one who's always thinking. Tooooooo much.

I laugh when I think of the people I'm not in touch with anymore because I got tired of dribbling the soccer ball of the flimsy friendship. If I have to make all the plans and initiate all the phone conversations etcetera, I will stop. If it's anything to them, they will take the ball and resume the game. If not, fuck it, I'll go sit down and take a break. I'm sick of being the one initiating contact and making plans.

I even do that with Carrie when I notice I'm the only one saying "I love you." I stop and wait until SHE says it. I deserve more than "I love you too." That is so empty to me sometimes. I want her to say she loves me because she thought of it. Not just in a reflex response. Once it took 3 days. She did apologize, which meant a lot. Nowadays things are better. Took some radical action to get here, and things are far from perfect, but whatever.

I might be about to leave. Not sure. Or I might read some more. This has been healthy for me; I have not just opened up my feelings like that in a very long time.

Mud Whirlwind

My brother. I am so perplexed and sick. I am coming here to let it out because I'm trying to not rock the boat too much. But that's just me... that's how I do life... other people do things that upset me and instead of speaking up for myself and my needs, I take it all inside and think hard how I can not make THEM angry yet somehow manage to salvage the meeting of my needs and my sub-important... dignity. Relationships, friendships, family... that's how I do it. I hate that about me. But now is not the time to worry about that. Now is the time to figure out my present circumstance.

That has been my usual next step, too, in situations like this. My needs are not being met. I cannot conceive a way to manage the situation without inciting presumable anger in the other party. Next step: Nicole leaves. That's been my life pattern, my life habit. Again, not good, but again, now is not the time to fix my entire life. Now is the time to handle my present situation, and save the project of fixing ME for later. Always later. It does need to happen, though, or I will continue to damage my own life and hurt those I truly care about.

He is quitting his good, F/T job where he makes decent money and has a company truck. To go and be a P/T chef making considerably less. Of course this does not make sense but seldom does his logic make sense to me. I have been staying at his house and driving his car to work. I am saving for my own vehicle. That is the only reason I am staying with him. I need a way to work.

He is so hard to get up in the morning. He says he will bring me to work but I foresee only struggles, lateness, and mounting frustration. Basically I don't want to depend on him to get me to work on time. I know him. It won't work. I don't trust him. Not even enough to feed my dog if I go out of town for the weekend; I always arrange with my other brother to stop by and feed her.

He could have kept this job a little longer, at least until I got my own vehicle. But what matters to him is HIM. I am resentful because I kept a horrible job I hated for a time out of devotion to my partner and our household. That is just the right thing to do. What about doing the right thing? I am so glad I was blessed to be a lesbian. Every hetero male example in my life falls SOOOOOOOO far short of what I have with my C. They just disgust me. Why women put up with that and desire that kind of life is beyond me.

I know of a little motel about 2 miles from my office. I can walk from there or even take my bike. I need to find out their pet policy and what it would cost, and I might be moving next week. He makes me sick right now. He is an asshole to so many people in so many ways... trust me, I can't list them because *I* have to go to my *JOB* that I am grateful to have. Because I am a responsible lesbian adult. Ha... that is a triple plus! LOL *sigh*

Like Ma-Ma says... "It'll all work out." Truer words were never spoken. <3

Big, Easy Saturday

Yesterday after work I got Kevin to drop me off at a bus stop on N. Sherwood. Got there around 5:30. Finally got to my hotel at almost 8:30. Ha - hats off to the Baton Rouge Capital Area Transit System.

Checked into the Extended Stay at Citiplace. Walked over to On the Border and ate a beautiful steak burrito with a decent Strawberry Msrgarita. (yes Margaritas deserve to be capitalized LOL)

This morning I woke up at 3:10 a.m. and decided to just stay up. I had set my alarm for 3:30... this way I didn't have to rush at all and even had a time cushion.:)

At 4 I was outside waiting for my cab. He was right on time and straightaway took me to the Greyhound station. Later boarded the bus, slept as we drove through the dark, and now I am in New Orleans.

Walking is not fun today; my ankle is bothering me again. But if I just stop for a minute every so often, it's ok.

Sitting now in PJ's on Canal Street. I remember, when I was in college, thinking how I would love to explore Canal Street all by myself, and here I am.

Carrie and her mom are at a hotel on Decatur but I don't think I'm going there. There is much ground to cover!

Planning to limp around the Quarter (ha) and look in shops, or at least windows, until they open up. It's 7:30; shouldn't be too much longer.

Hoping today will be a good day!

They Got Theirs, You Got Yours and I Got Mine

Life. Wow. It's been awhile since I posted anything. I am now working at ExxonMobil Pipeline in Denham Springs. I like working here. Initially thought I might like to live in DS but... no... maybe I'm a snob but the people here, just some of them, really give me the creeps. I want to live on the OTHER side of the Amite. :) Yes indeed.

Living, actually, with Kevin right now, which is actually very nice. Only no Carrie... stuff went down and I left her... but we are working things out. For the time being, she is going to live with her friend Trish in New Orleans/Algiers... somewhere on the West Bank... while we both save up money and get out business straightened out. Then hopefully get a place together again.

I am driving Kevin's (PapPa's) car to work. Kevin has a work truck so that worked out just right. My first item on my agenda is to get a vehicle. Trying to save but things keep coming up. It will work out eventually.

Still lots of pets, still trying to find homes for 4 kittens. Life is fun with animals in it, it really is fun. *grin*

Just More Stuff

At lunch today, I went “window shopping” with my camera. It’s almost as fun as buying things; you pick out what you want and take a picture of it. I plan to make a wish list/file sort of thing. Just for fun. Window shopping is more fun because you don’t spend any money. *grin*

Just Stuff

Tuesday, July 7, 2010 2:15 pm

WHAT am I going to DO for TWO MORE HOURS?!! Wow. This day seems FAR
longer than any day I’ve worked here before. *I am grateful for my
job!* heh… always gotta say that… this day is just taking forEVER.

When I pulled up this morning, I was approached by the most wonderful
little dog! A puppy really… so cute and sweet, and she’s the same color
of several of our cats… haha… I carry a travel, foldable fabric water
dish in my backpack (I’m either Mary Poppins or Inspector Gadget,
depending on the day) and gave the puppy some water. After that, we
were friends for life. I bought her a chain collar, some puppy food and
some treats at Dollar General on my lunch break. She’s shown no
interest in eating, which is strange for a dog. We have moved so much
stuff (furniture, etc) using this truck, of course there was rope in the
back, so I tied her to a post on the railing outside this building with
enough slack to lay under the truck. Which she did straightaway and has
refused to come out since.

Which is fine, since it has been raining and that is pretty much the
driest place there is, outside…

I wanted to name the dog something to match today, when I found her…
something like Cloudy or Stormy…

Catering the LSU Cajun Country Something-Or-Other

Yes... at 6 a.m. this morning, I found myself under a tent, beside a kitchen on wheels, outside Gate 7 of Tiger Stadium, slicing onions. :) It was a long, very busy day, but I can honestly say I loved it and had a great time!

So I cut the onions, then sauteed some green peppers, then sauteed the onions I had cut along with a skillet of potatoes and a white sauce. At which time a gentleman relieved me of my duty there... of which I was really glad, because it was HOT in that trailer!

So I was back at my table, this time cutting up a bunch of all different colored peppers. I thought they were so pretty, I had to take a picture. *grin* It became a trial of trying to cut them as small as possible, as fast as possible, and not cut any fingers off in the process. I did alright, although I did cut my thumb and ring fingertip on my left hand. It hurts still, ha! But it's all part of the game.

What else did I cut up... I sliced purple onions, shredded enough cabbage to fill up a HUGE tub, and probably some other things that escape me at present. I also pulled pork... for pulled-pork sandwiches... a LOT of pork... lots and lots of slimy greasy pork... but I did taste a bit of it and it sure was good. :)

The catering was for the crews and all the people working to set up and put on this show. The elite starlicious country royalty did not grace us with their presence but, instead, made detailed orders from their dressing rooms. HA- their loss. But now I can say I chopped onions for Keith Urban, Kellie Pickler and Taylor Swift. haha If Taylor Swift even eats... *grin*

At the end of the day, I peeled a bunch of ENORMOUS sweet potatoes... I have never seen any that huge in my entire life! It was a lot of fun and I even got invited to this girl's friend's band's show tonight... riiiiiight... hehe... and also invited to "go drinkin" with Pete, this really cool black guy maybe about my dad's age... which I declined, but in retrospect I could have said no a little more graciously than I did. I didn't freak out or anything, but #1 I don't know this man from Adam and #2 um CARRIE!! Riiight... so he asked me, and for a few seconds I withdrew into my brain to contemplate how to answer this invitation... then just plainly said, "No." He was a lot of fun to work with, and if it had been a group thing I might have been a little more willing... but I am TIRED after getting up at 4:45 and really like the fact that I am at my home, now clean, in boxers and a t-shirt. Barefooted. In a recliner. In the quiet. Sweeeeeeeeeeeet..........

When I walked to my car to leave, my car was not where I left it... apparently, after I parked it at 5:45 a.m., they made their way around to put up barricades indicating that was an EXCLUSIVE lot... and the LSU Po-Po towed my sweet Camaro. Bastards, I tell you. So I walked my tired self over to the campus police station. They would not budge on their charge of $100 to release the car to me.

HOWEVER!! God blessed me with an incredible, wonderful mother who drove all the way out there from Central and loaned me the money, because I was about $97 short of being able to pay the sucky fine. I love my Mama and plan to pay her back and do lots of nice things for her to demonstrate my appreciation.

So now I am home. My back hurts like crazy... I'm going to doctor my little kittens up with their eye medicine and kick back in this chair, possibly atop a heating pad, and CHILL.

All in all, a good day indeed. Even despite the car incident. I had a lot of fun today and look forward to my paycheck this coming week. *grin

Sorta Sleepy

Chillin in the recliner... the faint smell of cat poo wafting through the air. Watching Obsession on A&E for the first time. I love it. Proving that people who freak out over stuff CAN just GET OVER IT if they just... DO. That concept has always frustrated me; people claiming all this stuff... I suppose it's really real to THEM; I just don't understand personally.

I had a weird dream last night that made me think of the various controlling relationships and "friend"ships I've had in my life. Made me feel angry, remembering... mad at them and mad at myself for allowing it to go on, and on... and freaking ON!! WOW, never doing that again and grateful for Carrie because, with her, that is not ever even ALMOST an issue.

I need to walk Luna and need to go to bed soon

Earlier This Evening in the City of Central...

Chillin at Caliente in Central. Me and a frozen strawberry margarita… and to my friend who is, right now, diligently stirring her pot of spaghetti I say… BOO!! Husbands can cook spaghetti. I’d bet $5 on that. Haha

Tonight, tonight, tonight… I am going to visit my family of origin. Which includes my sister, who has been in Tanzania off and on for the last year or two. And my brother, who turned 27 today I believe… I mean, I know today is his birthday. I’m a little iffy on the 27-ness of the occasion. He was born in 1983. Wise man say, never mix math with margarita. Hahaha

They… yeah I started that sentence with “they” then was temporarily suspended in text messaging world and have forgotten what they was all about.

My sister. Wow. Not so keen on that concept. I love her and all. I do. But she hates the lesbian-ness of me and makes that more than plain when the topic comes up. Plus if she senses that I have ingested alcohol… yeahhh… I will be hanging close to the nephews tonight. :o) They’re low to the ground…

I love my C! Can’t wait to see her tonight. Climb in bed and get some sweet kisses before burrowing down beside her and drifting into a sweet, sweet sleep. Love is wonderful.

Blah

..how I feel today. It's like life has this awful habit of balancing out at zero. Good things happen, but bad things seem to accompany them and drag my state of mind right back down. At least I have the good things, though... otherwise life might just be a little too overwhelming.

I swear, one thing I hate about life is that everything seems to revolve around money. You have to have a job... so you can pay MONEY... rent, utilities , vehicle , food... and if you make any mistakes in this world, you pay for it with MONEY... therefore you no longer have ENOUGH money to pay for rent, utilities, vehicle, food... then if you lose your job, you don't have money coming IN to pay OUT... and the big "THEY" want to take away your home, utilities, vehicle, food... it's so shitty... you can't even file a contest against a civil claim unless you have MONEY to pay a fee... even justice costs. MONEY.

That is a very depressing concept. I could go on and on because this is huge on my mind along with a load of other things, but I will try to find something else to occupy my mind with.

I got a job this morning... but it's far, far from my house and is going to cost me so much in gas , I could still be broke as a poke. But at least I will break even if I'm careful with my funds.

See? That's what I mean. I have a job!! ...but it will cost me more than it's worth to make the commute.

Whatever. Caring takes too much energy. I will just do this life stuff one day at a time. That's a little more manageable................

After the Rain

I am sitting in the Red Star. No internet here; I will post this later. Or tomorrow. I am so tired it’s ridiculous. It was raining so hard earlier, I decided to stop here and wait it out so that it was safer to drive. But it is not raining here and the ground is not even wet. Watch it start raining on me when I start home. Ha

I have had the longest day, most of which was unproductive. I have officially been deemed “treatable” by my friendly local funny farm… Strange how some levels of acceptance just don’t really do much for my self esteem. Then I went to my read doctor to get the other medicine I needed, then visited my mom, then stopped by my friend’s work and visited her for awhile. Very dear friend from long ago… it was a good visit. We talked about life and how to deal with it. Very cool friend and I wish we spent more time together. She’s weird but cool enough that I can tell her that and she knows I’m serious and it’s still ok. hahaha

Luna is home surely needing to pee but she will be ok. I know this because every time I let her out her first action is not to run and pee but to run over to the shed where I believe there are baby kittens inside and sniff around. I have to insist she pee, which she eventually does,

Funny how spending all morning talking about depression makes you… depressed. Haha

There’s a guy in here whose favorite word is the F word. It is his favorite adjective, verb and noun. I want to go punch him in the face and tell him to shut the FUCK up. But that would be no fucking fun because I probably will apologize afterward. I swear, he has said fuck at least 10 times just while I’ve been typing this paragraph.

Half a Michelob Light to go and I will burn outta here… okay I will drive cautiously and carefully outta here… I am so tired. Carrie was also very tired this morning. I hope she still is. It would be nothing short of perfectly beautiful to lay down with her in bed and watch some tv or something, relaxing and going to sleep. She’s awesome that way.

Earlier I had intentions of going to the LSU Lake and walking or jogging or something… then it started raining… but why rehash that. I am so glad I don’t work with that woman I used to work with. I pray I will find another job soon. I have not yet begun to despair; you never know what the next day will bring.

Plus I get a paycheck tomorrow. It’s almost like I’ve been on vacation sort of. But I don’t want just a paycheck with no job. Neither do I want a job with no vacation. My goal… dream… whatever… is to have a permanent job that I like, and have a real no-shittin vacation and get paid while I am on that vacation.

I started a new class this week called Operations Management in Health Care. Hoping this will be interesting. I have printed the first 2 chapters I need to read so that I might read them at my leisure, wherever I end up. Which is what I was going to do in here, but I changed my mind. I wanted to write. To write, and pretend I was talking to someone who was actually interested in all this crap I have to say. And who never interrupted. HA HA

I bet it would be hella-funny to strap a shock therapy device to Mr. Fuck over there… it would shock him every time he said the F word and I would LAUGH!!! I wonder how long it would take for that negative reinforcement to work on him… bwaa haa ha…

I want to talk with my friend Sarah in Utah but I don’t feel like holding the phone. I also want to talk to my friend Melanie and my friend Karen but… same issue.

Few more sips and I will go home and talk to my C and just hold HER. That sounds like a plan to me. :o)

Kansas, STYX & Foreigner

Worked the concert last night. I got to work the arena this time and I'm glad - I liked the show. First Kansas played about an hour. They were alright; nothing explosive and though they are a long-standing classic rock band, they really fit the bill for an opening act. Just sayin'. I did really like watching (David Ragsdale??) play the violin. Very cool the way they did something not so common like intertwining a classical instrument into their classic rock.

Next up was STYX. WOW, they were great! They played hard and got the crowd going and even had an encore that I was glad for... usually I get irritated when artists do an "encore" - it all seems so fake, like they're walking to their dressing rooms and they say, "Aw hell, they must really like our stuff! Let's go play another song or two! C'mon, it'll be fun!" It is PLANNED; it is a part of their show plan. I usually think, just stay out there and play the stupid songs instead of doing all this drama crap. BUT all that to say, I was glad when Styx surprised with an encors because they weren't the end act of the show. I was actually bummed when they first left the stage and glad they came back. Guess there's a first time for everything. heh...

Then came Foreigner. They were really good too! Not one of my favorite bands, but they did a great show with lots of energy and excitement. They even used art as a part of the whole scheme of things which impressed me a lot. There was a digital screen behind the stage for all 3 shows but I was the most intrigued by the display for Foreigner. They did "Starrider" and I was totally captivated by the digital video or whatever you call it... it added a lot to the song and helped you get a sense of what the song was conveying.

THEN they did Jukebox Hero and that was pretty awesome too. I really wouldn't have gotten into the song by itself but the video kept my interest and I ended up really liking it. The video was a cartoon, kind of in the style of anime, to take an older song and bring it into today, grab the interest of kids today. And uh... of me. *grin*

The PEOPLE attending the concert... now that was a whole 'nother story. Which I will get to later. Gotta split now though. Good stories to come! All in all it was a great concert and watching a lot of the setup made me wish I was part of the crew. Dreamin' just for fun. :o)

Large Dog on a Bike

Last night I had another weird dream I will have to piece apart. Here goes, as best as I can remember it.

I was with my dad *I think* and maybe Carrie... that part is fuzzy... we were walking through an area that was a lot like the French Quarter just a lot less busy. And a little darker. The sky was cloudy and it was evening - so cloudy that everything seemed to be in black & white. I was walking with a bike, too.

All of a sudden, I came upon this enormous dog! It was huge like a Great Dane only with longer hair. Gray and white, mostly gray with white strands throughout. Pointy ears. Looked kind of like this German Shepherd but with the colors I indicated: It was the sweetest and friendliest dog and he was following me so I, of course, "adopted" him as part of our group.

We got to where we were headed... some kind of outdoor ampitheater and stage - like the one at LSU but wooden. We were seated down near the bottom, right next to the stage. The top of my head was about level with the stage. The dog was with us, sitting by me and, off and on, nudging me for attention and petting. Sweetest dog!

Thunder started, and people started fleeing like mad. A big storm was coming and it was going to be dangerous with flooding and lightning. So we hauled it out of there! It was raining in torrents and the streets filled up with water fast.
We got to a hiding place inside a storefront when I remembered I had forgotten the dog! I felt terrible; that sweet dog had depended on me and I left it to fend for itself, thinking only of ME. I felt horrible!

But my dad wouldn't let me go out and look for the dog. Finally the rain stopped and the water went down quickly. I took off on my bike, headed back to the ampitheater area.

I found the dog! I was so excited and so was he! With strength from the excitement and adrenaline, I scooped him up and sat him on the little metal rack behind the seat. And we took off! I was worried he would fall off because he was just sitting there, but he stayed upright like a Weeble! I could tell he was just so glad I came to rescue him. He was wet and so was I, but we were relieved and glad. I was headed back to meet my dad and Carrie.

Then an alarm clock went off so I didn't get to see what happened. AHH!! hahaha

OK here's what I found... as much as this filtered work internet will let me...

To dream about a dog that fondles you indicates great gain and constant friends.

To dream that you are riding a bicycle signifies the need to balance work and pleasure in your life. (hmmm... okay...)

Thick, slow-moving clouds represent confusion.

If you dream about family, it may be a way for your mind to express feelings and concerns about your real family that you could not express in daily life. Some believe that this dream usually has nothing to do with your actual family members, but rather the male and female sides of your own personality or self. So in a dream, your father may represent your expressive and protective aspects.

To dream of a girlfriend can be a straightforward representation of feelings or anxieties about your real life girlfriend.

Dreaming about being frustrated represents a feeling of being unable to cope with something going on in your life. You are concerned about the direction of your life.

Dreaming about a fear of yours means that you are having anxiety about certain events in your life.

To dream of night time signifies obstacles in achieving your goals. You may find that some issues you are facing are still unclear.

If your dream takes place outdoors, this symbolizes freedom, tranquility, restoration, and renewal. It may also mean that you want to fully experience and express your feelings and instincts.

Running suggests that you are feeling trapped or stressed by school or work.

A storm suggests confusion and anxiety in the dreamer.

If you dream of being unprepared for something, it represents your fear of messing something up and failing. You may be worried and insecure that you don't have what it takes to accomplish a particular task coming your way.

Water is the universal symbol for emotions. Turbulent, choppy waters in which a dreamer fears being swamped or drowning symbolize that you are being overwhelmed emotionally.

---SO THERE WE HAVE IT! Basic summary: I need to get myself together! heh... Yeah.. most of the symbols in my dreams lately reflect that I'm unsteady and uncertain. That's just life though! I will survive! :) Just like Gloria Gaynor. heh...

CelticTinkerbellIdiotOverallOkayEvening

Yes, yes... tonight I worked the River Center for the Celtic Woman show. For the first time, I was not an usher, but that was fine with me. I got to be security. I stood by the doors in Lower Portal L and made sure no one came in who wasn't involved with the show. No interaction with a single patron. After my last experience with that snooty-patooty dance competition I tried to work last time, a patron-free evening was just splendid.

There are actually 5 Celtic Women... and a choir, and a kilted bagpiper... at the very least. The women made me feel like I was looking at some version of a Tinkerbell in one of those delirious, vivid dreams I have sometimes. Like something out of Midsummer Night's Dream.

Toward the end, a group of about 30 stage hands filtered into the area where I was standing guard. They were mostly college-aged theater geeks. Most of the girls were overtly lesbian... spiky hair, thick black glasses, big t-shirts and baggy jeans. This one girl had the equivalent of a nose ring only it wasn't a ring; it was like a smooth, brassy dagger poking down out of each nostril. I can kind of understand her motivation there. I feel that way sometimes. It's a silent scream of, "NO, I AM NOT LIKE YOU AND I AM GLAD I MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE!" Only I just think it; the people I think it toward probably don't even notice. She took action and probably is not only frequently noticed but seldom forgotten.

I am glad I am not a Celtic Woman or a theater geek/stage hand/roadie/etcetera. I remembered afresh tonight how glad I am to be me. How glad I am to love Carrie. How, though the grass often does look greener on the other side of the fence, the grass in my yard is pretty nice and I like it.

It just needs to be mowed. Literally. *grin*

The Hungarians are Coming!

Today, the company I work for will be hosting a team from Budapest that has been hired to take over all the A/P functions. Since I am a temp hired to help in this transition, I am not bothered by this. However, I bet the ladies whose jobs are being given to this group are not so keen on the visit by those taking their employment away. I, on the other hand, am excited at the prospect of meeting these people from another country! I've been to Budapest back in the late 90's and would love a chance to play tour guide with these folks. My mind is spinning with places to take them, things to show them...

I laughed to Carrie this morning, telling her the only Hungarian words I know are "Mariska Hargitay"... haha... wonder if they know who she is. tee hee

The day calls and I must be off. Toodles.

Watching Family Guy

I just wrote a nice length of blog then my computer swallowed it. Basically I'm passing timw while I wait to get sleepier. Painted some this weekend in the attic. Waiting now for my Benadryl to kick in and for the vivid dreams that have accompanied that lately. I love my Luna. And my Carrie is curled up beside me, already asleep. I love her so much. Good night, world.

Collectors

Collectors
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
I had another weird dream last night. This woman was at my house looking for me because I owed (a company?) a lot of money and was delinquent in my payments. Basically they wanted blood and I was a turnip... much like my real life these days. hahaha

No seriously.

So she was asking for Nicole and I kept telling her Nicole was not there, that I was not sure where she had gone. Then she asked if I knew where Nicole kept these certain forms/documents... I knew "I" had turned those in before so I said sure, just a minute, and I went to go print out copies of those forms to give the collector.

When I printed the forms out, they had my name and my picture all over them! The pages were a pastel blue, and there was my face with NICOLE written directly beneath it.

For some reason in this dream I lived with my parents. I went to my dad and whispered intensely, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!! THESE ARE THE DOCUMENTS SHE WANTS AND MY FACE IS ALL OVER THEM!!" My dad took a breath, raised his eyebrows and kind of grinned at me in an I-UNDERSTAND way. He said, "Well, just go give them to her, tell her the truth, explain that you were just scared, and see what happens. The best way to go from here on out is to just tell the whole truth; you'll get the best result that way."

I knew he was right. "Okay," I said. "Thanks."

I went out in the living room to look for her but she was gone! I walked out into the back yard looking for her and there was... I am not kidding... MARISKA.
(I know, right? This woman has invaded my dreams! Um... SWEET!! LOL)

I said, "Um, hey... where'd you come from?" Again, I was embarrassed for her to see me in such awkward circumstances.

"Who?" she asked.

"Oh..." I saw an opportunity to skirt the entire issue and seized it. *grin* "Just some lady who wanted some papers from me. No biggie."

"Come here," she said. She took me in her arms and kissed me and kissed me... and the lady never came back. :o)

I like dreaming these days. :) :) :)

Serenity

Today I sit in PJ's for lunch. I decided to come here because the atmosphere was more likely to be the kind in which I want to exist for at least a few minutes... peaceful... dare I be ethereal... and inspiring.

I walked to CC's because their drinks are cheaper but left when I saw there was noics inside and clusters of dirty construction workers outside the plate glass windows. Ha...

It's nicer here.



I've discovered Mariska's blog today and have been reading it some. It's pretty inspiring! Her words make me want to be a better person. Her words... I wonder if she actually writes the entries; some celebs have smaller people do handle menial things like that for them. I would like to think Mariska is genuine... but I know she is also a very busy woman. Either way. :o)

Two weeks until I have school again... well, two weeks minus a few days. I would like to actually do something constructive with this time, rather than just let it pass. An art project, a home improvement... need to do some home improvements QUICK because of my plans!!

I like life today and I'm trying to have a nicer attitude toward people. One step at a time. Ha - I almost need a 12-step PROGRAM to climb out of the hole of hatred I have been burrowing down into.

I like it when I wait as long as I can to go to lunch. Makes the afternoon shorter. :o)

Joyful Heart

I AM SO EXCITED!! I haven't pieced apart the meaning between my weird dream the other night, but it HAS served a good purpose! I have been learning about Mariska online, about her life and what her days are like, and I learned about the Joyful Heart Foundation she founded and runs. I am completely inspired to get back on the path of what I believe is my purpose. For YEARS, I have felt very strongly that my purpose in life was to help HURTING WOMEN. Already taking steps in that direction. Not sure of each detail yet, but I feel like I have a PURPOSE again and I haven't really... not for awhile! This is great.

I am also gaining an appreciation of Mariska as a respected potential colleague and not just a super hot chick. Though she will always be hot. :o) I plan to learn from this woman, all I can. I'm excited and so GLAD to be excited about something again!!

Mariska...

Last night I dreamed about Mariska. We worked together on a police force. Right away we had a sense of positive gaydar on each other. We worked into the night and she asked if she could come over to my place. The air pulsed with sexual tension… it was glorious.

When we got there, we just laid down on top of the bed covers and talked for awhile. She was so beautiful and looked into my eyes when she talked to me. We talked and talked, just relaxing… talked about work, life, and then she casually asked, “So how come you’re not out at work?” This topic had not been brought up previously but I was not surprised because we both kind of just “knew” about each other.

“Well,” I said, “it’s just… really none of their business,” and smiled. She smiled… even the twinkle in her beautiful brown eyes smiled… and she said, “I know EXACTLY what you mean! And I handle my business the same way.”

Slowly, we leaned toward one another and kissed. My heart was absorbed into her. We spent awhile kissing and caressing one another… still dressed, but moving at a slow and comfortable pace in our new affection. I do remember touching and kissing her breasts, and was so excited I think I woke up for a second. :o) I felt like I was high the whole time we were together. We were totally focused on one another and in complete bliss. Heaven.

There was, however, another girl lying against the wall, far behind me on the large bed. She was asleep and more like in a trance or hibernation. She was a long-ago ex who truly repulsed me now but who had fallen into a drug-induced coma of some sort and was not going to wake up for at least a few more months. When I remembered she was over there, I was embarrassed and hoped Mariska wouldn’t notice. But she did. However, she was not put off or disgusted like I had worried she would have been.

I explained the situation to her and she, apparently, had seen the same sort of situation before. “Watch,” she said. “You can get some funny answers out of them this way.” Then, like in a scene from “The Princess Bride,” she slightly inserted something akin to a paint stirrer into this girl’s lips and moved her mouth, pretending to make her talk like a puppet. Mariska made the girl say, “Why am I here?” Then she removed the stick and the girl mumbled on her own, “It’s my fault.”

Mariska looked at me and winked, laughing. She used the stick to "make" the girl say, “How long will I be here?” Then, on her own again, the girl mumbled, “Until I wake up.”

Mariska laughed. “This can be lots of fun, you know.” She grinned. Turning, she noticed a few more girls of the same sort near the foot of this huge bed. I was slightly embarrassed still but Mariska told me not to be. She proceeded to play puppets with these other girls as well and we had some good laughs. I was finally beginning to relax once more. We returned to our original place on the bed and resumed our kissing and affection. I was completely in heaven. We fell asleep in each other’s arms.

We were awakened early in the morning, before sunrise, by a call on Mariska’s phone. It was headquarters. After a quick, short conversation, Mariska leaned over, kissed me, and said, “Come on, we have to go.”

As she drove us back to headquarters, she filled me in on what was up. “Those girls have been reported missing, and you are the prime suspect for their disappearance.”

“What? But I didn’t do anything! What am I going to do?”

“Don’t worry,” she said, “I’ll handle this.”

(Something that always turns me on is a woman who vows to protect and defend me… whew!! Hehe)

Side by side, we walked close together up the shadowy, gray cement steps into the police office. We went to my office to set down my things, then to her office to set down hers. In the hallway, we met the boss.

“What is going on?” he asked, incredulously.

“Now wait a minute.” Mariska interrupted him firmly. “She is innocent here so back down.” Then she proceeded to explain to him why those girls were at my apartment and why it was nothing I had done.

And she cleared my name.

And I was in love.

And then I woke up. :o)

DEFINITELY one to research and decode... LOL... I've been having all KINDS of crazy dreams lately!

Sad...

I buried a puppy this evening. Someone had laid it on the grass near the sidewalk by my house. It had been hit, best I could tell. It was lying on a cloth diaper as if someone had carried it to that spot. Poor sweet puppy.

I dug a grave in our back yard and laid the little guy to rest. He deserved that respect.

Carrie and I were so mad that some irresponsible person/people first of all let a puppy out to run in the street, and second that they just laid it by the sidewalk.

I don't understand people around here. They either have a dog that stays tied to a chain that is at MOST 4 feet long, that is never walked and never played with... or they don't watch out for their pets at all. I don't know which is worse; confined neglect or not being protected at all. I just want to take all the dogs around here I see treated wrong and go start a dog island somewhere.

I do know that the local animal protection people are about to get VERY familiar with my voice.

Rest in peace, sweet puppydog. Heaven is better than what you would have had here, and I'm sure of that.

Give That Girl a Granita and Step On It!!

Since I was in college, some chemical compound in a PJ's Granita with Hazelnut has done a good job of making me smile. No knowledge as to why. But it puts me in a better mood.

They're filming something downtown today; got a few roads blocked off. I can't get past the bitter taste in the back of my throat because it brings to mind the horrible JENNY SCHECTER from the good ol' L-Word and how horrible she was in that mass of vomit that was season five. Not a fan of movie sets.

Have to confess I'm a bit of a hater these days... dunno... whenever I see someone dressed all shiny and sparkly, or encounter a stranger who would be considered particularly attractive by the public as a whole, I immediately detest them on some level in my mind and my digestive system. Maybe I prejudge that they will be snobby or bitchy. Maybe I am insecure about MY letter-fly hairdo of the day and my Goodwill getup... women in spikes make me angry, like who the hell do you think you are all prancing around like the world owes you something.

I am angrier than I would rather be, lately.

However, I have found that smiles are usually returned. WHEN I decide to smile... which is seldom.

I don't like people. Except the ones I know. And the ones I meet, who are nice. But I'm very guarded against the ones I don't know.

Whatever.

Life

Life is challenging today. But I will make it. Yes I will.

Now on to the things I'm procrastinating getting done... :o)

Let the Sun Shine

It's a great day out here today! And yes, by "out here" I mean I am outside in the sun, clear sky, not too hot... got my Lu with me... life is GOOD today. :o)

Luna and I are chilling outside the CC's Coffee House on Perkins Rd. She has a bowl of water that she is classically ignoring. Someone is smoking out here and of course that sucks but the smoking area and the dog area are combined so I really can't complaim.

I am out here supposed to be working on school... and i might... but my batter isn't verycharged and might not last too long. It will all work out one way or another. I'm not worried about much today. :o)

Actually if the smokers in the corner would finish and leave... I believe there is an elecric outlet over there... the air would be cleaner... and I could give Luna a little more slack on her lhe worldeash....... just sayin' :o)

It is hte perfect day for taking pictures, also... I need batteries.. that can be fixed easily. It's just a great, great day and I am so glad to not be at home! Mariska's great and all but really... too much of any good thing can be bad for a person.

Just me and Lu, with the world at our toes! Sure to turn out a great, great day. :o)

Where I Am

I've been thinking, and have almost concluded, that I am not in my "place" in life right now. Or yet... I haven't decided. I don't feel like I really "fit" in most places I find myself lately. I am uncomfortable with myself, particularly my appearance, and wish for a place I felt more of the same and not such a constant reminder that I am not "as"... skinny, pretty, nicely dressed... whatever. I dress how I like, and though other women might look cute as pie in their tight skirts and little pointy-heeled hybrids between rodeo/snow boots and pumps... ...that is not me. I would not be comfortable trying to look like Reese Witherspoon. My style does not really fall under one umbrella term... I dress like me, that's about it.

I think I want to go live somewhere on a farm full of lesbians. Where we are valued for things different from things for which the "society" entity values people. Where the value of a woman is not her hairstyle and how nicely her makeup is done but how she contributes to society in real ways, tangible and intangible... not just in terms of aesthetics.

I read a book about that once... those lesbian festivals where women are just free to BE... and even walk around shirtless, which we are not permitted to do in society.

I did take my shirt off once in a gay bar. I was irritated because some of the guys were shirtless and preening around in front of each other... it just seemed so stupid... so off came my shirt and I continued to play pool in my bra. The other 3 girls there with me were horribly mortified and begged me to put my shirt back on. I finally did, but not happily.

I want the freedom to walk around with my shirt off and my belly bulging over my pants. Not because it's attractive
- because it is SO not - but because it's an inequality against women. I'm sick of people being shocked and appalled at simple, really inconsequential things. Get over it. Just live your life, let me live mine, and look the other way if you don't like it.

Weird Dream

Last night I dreamed that this woman showed up banging on our back door - a heavyset Hispanic woman, like the lady hired to clean the house on the Goonies... remember that? Anyway, our landlord is supposed to come do some work here today (in real life) so, in the dream, Carrie and I wondered if he had sent her in his place. But she didn't speak English and we were not pre-warned of her arrival. Carrie told me to just let her in so she could start working. I was very hesitant but Carrie insisted so I let her in. To make a long story short, she started trying to steal all kinds of stuff from in the house. The landlord showed up em personne and said he had no idea who she was. I was furious and Carrie wasn't even sorry.

...One of those dreams you need to shake as soon as you wake up so you don't carry those feelings into the day against whoever upset you in the dream. Que serah serah. LOL

Couldn't easily find a picture of the cleaning lady but here's one of Chunk, just for happy memories' sake! ;o)

This Was Saturday??

I am very not crazy about my new working circumstances... but, grudgingly, I am grateful for the paycheck it will bring me next Friday. Blah. I had to work 6:30 am - 3 pm today. TODAY! I am so so tired but still have schoolwork ahead of me. Just 2 posts to the online conversation. Tomorrow I have to do my friggin assignment for the week. But only after I have SLEPT, and for a LONG time!! I am taking TWO Benadryls when I go to bed tonight and that should knock me out pretty solid for a good set of hours.

But I am home now, with Carrie and all the pets. I have brushed Luna and left a blanket of faux snow... though yellowish... atop the grass in the backyard. I have so many thoughts and so much more to say but lack the oomph... or energy... actually let's tell the truth... I want to write but feel guilty because I need to get my schoolwork done. Blah.

I did get to see my parents, Kevin, Avery and Abel for awhile after work, and that was very nice. And I got to listen to Prairie Home Companion on the drive home. Sara Watkins... musician/singer worthy of checking out! Very talented... bluegrass-style music with a refreshing twist of "these days" as a garnish on top. Sweet stuff.

It's gonna be 19 degrees tonight, here in south Louisiana! Bundle up everybody!!

When You Wake Up Sweating...

I woke up around 4:30 this morning and went to briefly visit the icy toilet seat. (No heat in that part of our circa-1863 house except for a small gas heater in one of the bathrooms… but we turn this off at night because of the exposed flames… yeah…).
After my arctic adventure, I crawled back in bed. I scooted my back up against Carrie’s back under the sheet, blanket, comforter and additional blanket on top. After Hippie
found his place, purred in my ear for awhile and finally fell asleep, I also fell asleep and proceeded to have dreams that made me SO ANGRY I was ready to… well I don’t know what I was ready to do but let’s just say it’s a good thing I woke up. Hehehe

I dreamed I worked for a very rich man. I think this rich man was Michael Jackson or at least someone very similar in both appearance and demeanor. In the group of about 6 or 7 employees, I was the only female. We all had to take personality assessments. While I was out one day, he gave every employee a good sum of money. When I returned, the boss handed me an envelope containing $600 or $700.

“You can just pay me back whenever,” he said.

I was amazed and excited! In the dream, I used the money for Christmas shopping and was very grateful for the just-in-time assistance.

After the holidays, I found out that all the male employees were given $5000 or $6000and were being taught how to invest and watch their money grow. They did not have to pay the boss back but were encouraged to enjoy what they could earn from simply having money in the first place.

I was PISSED!
I don’t know if I quit, but I did leave.

I went to my grandmother’s house and started telling her what had happened, “Just because I wasn’t a guy!!” I was livid. My uncle was at my grandmother’s house as I was relaying my tale, and he (in his characteristic way) kept trying to “explain” to me why what happened was really all my fault. He countered my every argument by pointing out another thing I was supposedly done wrong. I was even more pissed. (He does this to me all the time in real life….)

I decided to ignore him and settled down to paint for awhile.
Finally relaxing a little, I was sitting on the living room carpet, leaned back against a stuffed chair. Suddenly, a heavy glass slipped out of my hand and fell on a very thin, delicate glass next to my leg. The thin glass broke and a little water spilled on the carpet.

“WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!??” My uncle was hurling verbal firestones at me left and right. “Why are you breaking your grandmother’s dishes? What, do you just want to ruin everything you come in contact with? No wonder that manager didn’t trust you with his money; you can’t do anything right!!”

I cleaned up the very simple and small mess from my very simple and small accident and left.

I decided to go find Avery.
I knew I could play with Avery and he would have fun. He would make me feel loved and happy. I did find Avery and one other little kid (smaller than him and not Abel). It was cold outside, and I had a large denim jacket. I let the kids sit on the body of the jacket while I held the sleeves and pulled them all over the property like they were on a sled.
We had tons of fun and laughter! Not once did I hit a mud puddle and neither of them fell off the “sled”. We just had FUN and were all laughing, giggling, and out of breath!
After the jacket sledding, I went over to my mom’s. Excitedly, I told her about our adventure.

Immediately, she burst my bubble: “Nicole, you know that’s not safe! They could have had their backs injured or gotten sick from being dragged around out there in the cold! I can’t believe you!!”

Fire exploded inside my chest. I had HAD it!!



Then I woke up. Aaaaahh………….!!!!