My brother. I am so perplexed and sick. I am coming here to let it out because I'm trying to not rock the boat too much. But that's just me... that's how I do life... other people do things that upset me and instead of speaking up for myself and my needs, I take it all inside and think hard how I can not make THEM angry yet somehow manage to salvage the meeting of my needs and my sub-important... dignity. Relationships, friendships, family... that's how I do it. I hate that about me. But now is not the time to worry about that. Now is the time to figure out my present circumstance.
That has been my usual next step, too, in situations like this. My needs are not being met. I cannot conceive a way to manage the situation without inciting presumable anger in the other party. Next step: Nicole leaves. That's been my life pattern, my life habit. Again, not good, but again, now is not the time to fix my entire life. Now is the time to handle my present situation, and save the project of fixing ME for later. Always later. It does need to happen, though, or I will continue to damage my own life and hurt those I truly care about.
He is quitting his good, F/T job where he makes decent money and has a company truck. To go and be a P/T chef making considerably less. Of course this does not make sense but seldom does his logic make sense to me. I have been staying at his house and driving his car to work. I am saving for my own vehicle. That is the only reason I am staying with him. I need a way to work.
He is so hard to get up in the morning. He says he will bring me to work but I foresee only struggles, lateness, and mounting frustration. Basically I don't want to depend on him to get me to work on time. I know him. It won't work. I don't trust him. Not even enough to feed my dog if I go out of town for the weekend; I always arrange with my other brother to stop by and feed her.
He could have kept this job a little longer, at least until I got my own vehicle. But what matters to him is HIM. I am resentful because I kept a horrible job I hated for a time out of devotion to my partner and our household. That is just the right thing to do. What about doing the right thing? I am so glad I was blessed to be a lesbian. Every hetero male example in my life falls SOOOOOOOO far short of what I have with my C. They just disgust me. Why women put up with that and desire that kind of life is beyond me.
I know of a little motel about 2 miles from my office. I can walk from there or even take my bike. I need to find out their pet policy and what it would cost, and I might be moving next week. He makes me sick right now. He is an asshole to so many people in so many ways... trust me, I can't list them because *I* have to go to my *JOB* that I am grateful to have. Because I am a responsible lesbian adult. Ha... that is a triple plus! LOL *sigh*
Like Ma-Ma says... "It'll all work out." Truer words were never spoken. <3
