Jefferson CC's. Nice because it doesn't smell like burned toast like usual. Not nice because it's not the ORIGINAL Jefferson CC's... with Margot and where I would sit and read my Bible every morning before work... and where I would sometimes dash to at lunch from the Baton Rouge Mental Health Center.
I need help. Something is wrong with me.
I need to journal more. I need to regain that outlet. I NEED to MOVE OUT of KEVIN's HOUSE!! That would take a lot of stress off me right away.
I need to join some clubs, make some new friends, get active again. RUN again. Get off my butt and shake up my "normal".
I need a new normal.
I am dying to get out of Baton Rouge, move away from here and start fresh again. Move to a new big city, learn my way around and make a nest for myself.
But not yet. I will not leave my Ma-Ma. She has to leave first. And that seems awful, because I'm not on pins and needles for her to go ANYWHERE... though I'm sure she'd rather be in heaven than in the life she's living these days.
I am so depressed. It started yesterday. I just feel yucky.
I love Luna. We have had some fun times yesterday and today. I love having a dog to take everywhere with me. Love my Lu. I'm so grateful that Carrie encouraged me to keep her instead of giving her away to make finding a place to live easier. I'm glad for that. My tendency is to shed my own to accomodate someone else, even if they're not asking. Carrie is different. Her love is real and different than anything I've had before because she spoke UP and said no, don't do that. She loves me AS-IS... not for what I can give or what I can become.
I feel hideously unattractive these days which leads to feeling awkward around beautiful Carrie. But she seems to like me... and she says she loves me... and I've learned not to argue with someone's declaration of love. I would hate to have that done to me. Carrie loves me and it is nice to be loved.
God, please change me. I feel pretty miserable. I need a new start and a good breath of cold, fresh air. Help, help, help. Please. Thanks.
