Sunday, December 13, 2015

Baking Cookies

Had a great afternoon/evening hanging out with my family. We cut, baked and painted Christmas cookies- a family tradition for as long as I can remember. Good times at my sister's house.

I feel a lot differently than I did in my last post. I love my family and am so grateful for them. My sister and I joked around and my nephews were silly little hams. Just worried a little about my dad. He's going through some rough times lately. I love my dad and prayed a lot for him this evening.

Giving thanks to God for this blood-bound pack of people I love and who love me, always, no matter what.

Friday, November 27, 2015

Forty-Eve

Sitting in Starbucks on S. Sherwood, I have a blur of hazy emotions swirling around in my mind.  I will turn 40 tomorrow.  I will be "that weird LADY" to teenagers now.  Consistently, I am now noticing things about myself that make me feel awkward... lines, the beginnings of a few wrinkles, crazy little psychotic/electric, wiry purple lines in patches on my legs... and areas of fat which I am beginning to shrug about, resigned... figuring they're probably around to stay.

My mom didn't tell me happy birthday yesterday or even reference my birthday until I brought it up.  My sweet dad sent me a text.  My biological father is still someone I have never met.  He doesn't give a flying fuck about me and that's something I'm still struggling to come to terms with.

So, I am either realizing or accepting there are errors in my life that can never be correctly editied; gaps that will never be sealed up neatly; wrinkles that will never be ironed out.  My life, it is beginning to seem, is a page of eraser smudges, cross-outs and crumples.  Pour the champagne.

I have one sister who seems to love and accept me just as I am, and for her I am grateful, regretting only that I never knew of her existence until a few years ago.  I have one sister with whom I grew up who is nice enough but probably thinks I'm going to hell and won't let my nephews come stay the night with me for fear my lesbian sin germs will hop all over them.  I have a third sister who, as with our shared father, I have never met.  We were communicating on FB messenger for a short time and then she seemed to lose interest in me.  It hurts but, whatever... same with the father, I am not begging.

I have one brother who seriously needs psych medication and could quite possibly benefit from electroshock therapy if it would somehow jiggle his brain cells into place.  I have one additional brother who is one of the sweetest, kindest, most sincere-hearted people I have ever known and I love him the best.  And I can say that because none of them will probably read this, anyway.

Just analyzing my life a little.

I have had my sweet dog Luna for 9 wonderful years now.  Two cats; Hippie who is 7 and Leroy who is 4.  They make me feel valued.

Lena is my partner... my life-partner... my "beyonce" though we might never actually get married because of some outside factors.  Still, she is my constant support, my lifter when I fall, my sunshine when I am drowning in thick clouds.  I could not ask for a better person to love and by whom to be loved.

Some things I like...

Musicians:  Adele, Brandi Carlile, Melissa Etheridge, Demi Lovato, Pink, Lena Horne, Patty Griffin, Stevie Nicks, Anouk (earlier today, I was poking through my CD collection and noticing I don't have near enough music by knock-you-on-the-floor-with-their-amazing-voice female musicians)... stuff like that.

Actresses:  Julia Roberts, Mariska Hargitay, Sandra Bullock, Angelina Jolie, Kate Winslet,, Amy Adams, Melissa McCarthy, Sophia Bush, Jennifer Lawrence, Kelli Giddish, Debra Messing, Zooey Deschanel and her sister on Bones whose first name slips my mind.

I love my 2-month-old Magnetic Black Nissan Frontier... which I have named Stevie Nicks because they are both AWESOME

Things I don't miss:  any ex-relationships, any ex-jobs, any ex-friends AHEM in particular one Rachael... whom I wish blessings on solely because the Bible says I am supposed to... but some people are just cold, cold, cold...anyway... However, I do miss my former dear friends Wendy and Casey, though I don't consider them cold; I actually really miss them.  Two very beautiful souls... But many others, I have dusted off my hands and moved FORWARD!!

People I do not like:  know-it-alls; jerks; the unpleaseable... included in this list are two people from my current place of employment... I am not stupid enough to write down actual names... but I am THINKING them!! haha  I also do not like people who are unkind toward people I love.  And people who are cruel to animals.

Experiences I love:  the excitement of being in unfamiliar, new places; going to the beach; going to a really awesome concert; giving someone a gift and being able to see on their face that they genuinely LOVE it and are so excited!!  (Lena <3)

Things I remember fondly:  experiences with my many awesome friends from m college years; Chi Alpha; Mary's Den; Europe; my five  years living in Dallas.

So, here I sit... behind this coffee shop table (which is how I spent the majority of my time during my last few years of undergrad, ha...) remembering things that I love and despise, feeling anxious and, simultaneously, resenting myself for feeling anxious... yes I'm getting older, but I do so very much want to live, to stay alive, to enjoy life... and make the most of what I have... which is actually an abundant LOT. Just have a little touch of the blues, is all.  But they will pass.


I'm happy it's the holiday season!  Thank you, wonderful Jesus, for being in and staying in my life.  I  am blessed.



Sunday, November 22, 2015

New Year's Revolution

Yes, I'm already working on coming up with a resolution for this new year, 2016. I like to decide ahead of time, so I can think about it before I'm up against the wall of having to make quick decision.

A few years ago, I made my New Year's resolution, "Love, Don't Judge". That made a huge revolution in me, in my behavior and in how I perceived other people. I wasn't perfect at it, but mostly when I saw someone, if I started to have a negative thought about them or fuel dislike toward them, I would quickly reprimand myself mentally and tell myself to love, not judge. I prayed a lot to keep this mindset and, as the resolution transitioned into a habit, it made a great difference in my life.

So, it was a revolution... not just something I resolved to do. It changed me.

This year, my desire is to speak less. That is the simplest way to put it. I have noticed in myself a bad habit of saying many, many words, most of which are unnecessary. They do not throw around words like Mardi Gras beads but, for the most part, only say what is necessary. I have observed them thinking more than speaking, and only speaking when it is time to do so. I hold immense respect for these wise friends.

I make so many mistakes and commit so many errors when I just run my mouth. Much of the time, I just need to shut up. I need to say less, love more, think things over more before I decide which words to actually say.

I think, honestly, that will keep me out of a lot of trouble... haha... and hopefully produce character in me that pleases God.

I am learning that words can kind of be an enemy to me...? Something like that. Anyway, that's what I'm working on.

One thing I wonder: Will my efforts to keep excessive or wrong words from coming out of my mouth... lead to a decrease in their forming in my mind in the first place? I hope so. I think one thing I can do to help will be to put good things INTO my head consistently, in order to improve the quality of what comes out

How about you? Any thoughts about your New Year's Revolution?

Friday, November 20, 2015

All the Things She Never Said

It was you
And it was me
But it was only you
No phony, only
Was it true?
Deception - rejection - true reflection
Starved for your touch
A blush, a hush, and absent affection
I felt your protection
Hid inside your strength
Your projected badass bravado
The best of best friends
Closer than close
Shared all and bared all
As I tried not to stare
And you smiled...
Shared secrets and songs
Poems, guitars, letters, journals, prayers, toothbrushes...
And beds
Maybe tomorrow?
Maybe... tonight?
My heart pounding, pounding, sounding...
Drowning... but you never let me drown.
And we barely talked about it...

Still, no, that wasn't right.
But it WAS right!
My church-inflicted inner fight
Crushed my hope and blocked the light
Cruelly condemned myself
When I needed help
Yet would have been content
To sit
In the warmth and snug safety of your arms
Soft lips and soft breath on my neck
Not teasing
Completion
We were one
That was all I wanted
That was all

Simultaneously, still, you chased others
Longed for lovers
And my heart raced
My nerves braced
Self erased
Pride debased
Was this painful love misplaced?

And YES it was love!
And yes it was real
Yet the shame blame game
Tore my mind
And I tore my wrist

But I still missed
Your heart
I was only trying to let some of the pain out
Disconsolate, depressed, desperate...
Denied

That was all I wanted.
That was all.
But you stuck by me
Didn't deem me crazy
Or push me away
Natural as a heartbeat, of course you stayed
True friends don't go away
So, song and dance and games we'd play
Ran free into an endless, starlit evening
And I, the daring dreamer of romance
Ran free
Carefree
Until
You wanted him
More than you wanted me

I had to leave.
I couldn't - do you hear me?
COULD - NOT - STAY.
I would die
Heartbreak, anger
Sin and danger
Punishment was not a stranger
And what about us?
The songs, the trust,
The love the superior righteous loved to slander
Stamped it "lust"
I was torn
Crushed
And it was you...
You.
That was all I ever wanted.

Heart hemorrhaging
Dirty memories
The kiss I would never have
Though I guarded it with my life
In my deepest heart
I had to go
Let it all go
Throw it away
Burn what I could
Forget what I could
But I could not.

You were all I ever wanted.
That was all.

I tried to walk
Tried to change
There'd been no one besides you
So you got the blame
And you got the guy
And the sex
And the kids.
And I moved away,
But I still felt crazy.

Until
I met
Myself
And embraced her
And learned I was good
Validated, though late
My life is my joyful journey, not just my fate

So I've healed and I've grown
Found true delight on my own
And, though I will never forget the past,
I would also never change the present
Because this is what I truly needed
All along

But I will never forget
That sexy, scared, scary young girl
With the vixen black hair and the black leather jacket
Whose piercing blue eyes penetrated me
Whose silky, slender fingers slid inside my soul, gripped my heart,
And made it beat to her own rhythm
Dizzying, intoxicating, elevating, satiating...

Because, once upon a time,
That was all I ever wanted...
That was all.



Nicole L. Henderson
November 20, 2015



Thursday, October 22, 2015

Goodbye, Norma Jeane

Lately, my interests have veered in the direction of listening to books on CD whenever I am driving.  Particularly, I am interested in biographies and in the lives of real people.  I love to hear people's stories; I even have a blog dedicated to people's stories, which I have not written for in a long time.

Moving on... I am currently listening to a book on CD describing a portion of the life of Marilyn Monroe, from the viewpoint of a young man who worked with her during the filming of "The Prince and the Showgirl."  Never having learned much before about Ms. Monroe, I am interested in learning about her.  Simultaneously, I am feeling drawn to learn more and more about this woman with seemingly two vastly different lives; one visible to her public; her fans - and the other lived inside her home, inside her self, inside her own darkness.

Further appreciating my fascination with MOOCs (Massive Open Online Courses... search and find any topic you could possibly be interested in learning about... and they're FREE!), I am currently in a course on futurelearn.com called "Start Writing Fiction."  This is a great course.  To start, we were taught to observe people and make notes for potential development into characters in our works of fiction.  I have made notes on a few people whom I've encountered but have found nothing that really grabbed me...

...UNTIL MARILYN!!  This woman's character makes me increasingly curious.  Thinking about what I've learned about her personality and her life, a story line has begun growing in my mind.  I feel really good about this idea and hope it truly becomes a written work,  put down on paper.

My current "Start Writing Fiction" MOOC discusses researching the type of person your potential character is, what their personality quirks are, what their struggles are, etc.  So I have Googled Marilyn Monroe and have found endless lists of websites boasting biographical information on her and about her life.

And... most of the websites have pretty much the same information to share.

It's like when politicians get a set of "talking points" on a current issue.  Website after website tells the same set of stories about Marilyn.  Born Norma Jeane... her childhood... her three marriages... her start in the world of modeling and then movies... her struggles... her death...

...and that's it.

How sad, how very sad.  This was a PERSON... sure, with talents and looks and fans all over the world... but a HUMAN, with feelings and complexities and dreams and favorite songs and happy memories and tears and childhood friends and... a whole lot of other things, details, that have been edited out.  Summed up, until one woman's entire life can be stated and re-stated in the course of a few similar paragraphs on website after website.

It just made me think.

I hope my life is never summed up so succinctly.

So I will live my own life, one day after the next, making my mark in as many places and in as many ways as possible.  And I will make effort to notice and learn the details about other people, about other people's lives.

I once had a boss in an escrow office who instilled in me how important it was to "document, document, document..." every thing I did, every step I took, and every detail I covered.  Though I was never crazy about that boss, the PRINCIPLE she taught me has always stuck with me.

So maybe that's something I need to do.  Since I love so much to write, and to learn about people.  To document, document, document.  And ensure that people's truths are preserved and remembered.

Because all God's children deserve to be remembered.  Because there is something special and unique inside every one of us, and that needs to be kept as sacred.  Because every one of us is truly special to our Creator.  I want to show God's love to people by putting down in words what He has put down in their hearts.




Sunday, October 11, 2015

Acceptance

This morning, I got up and went in my front room with my pets to read in the Bible and write down a few of my prayers and thoughts. I got a lot out of that. Then a book on my shelf caught my eye so I decided to look into it for a little while. The book is called "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise L Hay.

At first glance, a conservative, charismatic, Holy Ghost Christian as I grew up to be would discount the entire book and never reach to pick it up. In that line of thinking, the initial thought is only God can heal anything about anyone. However, over the years and through my many life experiences, I have learned to be a great deal more open-minded and I'm willing to at least give most things a chance.

My line of thinking there is, I might be able to find a nugget or two at the very least that I either agree with or can edit/amend into a principle I can jive with.

Now I've gotten those prelim's out of the way and can get to my real reason for writing this blog entry.

The beginning of this book talks about the idea that your thoughts determine your reality. What you choose to think about will end up being the truth you experience. I thought about that for a minute, and came up with a very eye-opening application for that principle.

I struggle with not feeling accepted. A lot of times, I feel like people at work or in public or even at church would just as soon rather not have me around. That is a years-old struggle and, granted, it has gotten less problematic for me over time, but still does exist in varying intensities and at various times in my life or in the span of a day.

So I thought, okay, what if I decided to think, "People like me and want me around." I pondered that for a little while.

If I think to myself that people truly like me and desire my company, I bet I will be more approachable, have more smiles have more to contribute to a group setting and - what do you know, I will then feel accepted and probably enjoy life more. I will make more friends, have increased confidence in my potential contribution not only two groups but to individual people and it's all only upward from there!

That really makes sense. Notice, this is not anything vital to my life but it's a step in the direction I feel I need to move in order to achieve personal growth, and possibly to move up eventually in my work place. Who knows?

I remember in high school, the people who were popular were the ones who expressed the most self-confidence. I'm not seeking popularity, but I would like to take that principle and employ it in my life, you know, just to see what happens.

If nothing else, I would like to be known as an all around kind person. And that, to get back around to the central point of doing anything, would definitely display Christ's love in me.

As I began to wrap up my contemplation of this idea, Hippie, my lovable, fat, Maine Coon tabby cat, decided to jump right up in my lap. He landed right in the center of the pile and spread of all the books and notebooks I had carefully arranged in my lap. And what did I do? I started petting him on the head and down his back because, after all, he is my sweet kitty cat and I love him. A light bulb went on in my head! Hippie believes I love him and desire his company. Hippie decided to think, I am liked and wanted. He acted on that, jumped up in my lap, & I instinctively accepted him because that's just the way that works. Pretty cool.

So. I encourage anyone reading this to try the same mindframe this week. If acceptance is not your issue, think about something you struggle with and come up with a new way to think about it. Then live your life thinking that thought, acting on it, and just see what happens. I feel confident you will come away pleased and feeling stronger than ever.

Love you guys!

Saturday, October 10, 2015

My Pa-Pa Lovett

Today is October 10, the day, in 1994 when my Pa-Pa Douglas Ray Lovett, Sr. died. I miss him so, so much, and now that I am older I wish more than ever that he was here because there are so many things I wish I could ask him about.

His years growing up, his time in WWII, his many entrepreneurial undertakings, his time at the Ethyl plant, which is now Albemarle, which is where I have now been working for four years.

He was a loving man, a strong Navy man who grew up in Albany, LA and married my grandmother before going in the Navy so she would not find someone else while he was gone. Their first son, my uncle Douglas Ray Lovett Jr, was born in San Francisco. I've been told many times of the train trip from San Francisco back to Louisiana, when all the women with babies spent most of the trip sleeping on the floor of the women's restroom, to nurse and to give their babies a flat place to lie down. So many stories; so few I remember in as much detail as they were told to me... and so very many details I never got a chance to learn.

Pa-Pa worked and officially retired from the Baton Rouge City Parish, but I have no idea which department he worked for nor what kind of tasks made up his work days. He built numerous houses and at least one apartment building that I know of in the North Baton Rouge area. That's where my mom grew up.

When I, the first of what was to be my parents' four children, was very small, Pa-Pa purchased 6 acres of land out in Central. He lived on part of the property, gave part to his son and part to his daughter. And that is where I grew up.

I remember the old pictures of our first Thanksgiving dinner in Pa-Pa's and Ma-Ma's not-yet-completed house. But it was home, and it was family, and it was wonderful.

I remember when Pa-Pa used to give me a ride every morning to where I was picked up by my school bus to go all the way across town to Istrouma Middle Magnet School, which,  all these years later, has been torn down.

Pa-Pa could build anything. He helped my grandmother with her enormous vegetable and fruit garden, he built a large shed in his backyard, he built a chicken coop in the yard where they kept chickens, turkeys, geese, quail, bitty hens... you name it.

On one large end of that yard, he had a large pond dug and stocked with fish so we could learn to catch them. (Every so often, the creek running alongside the lengths of our property would flood and give the pond fish a means of escape, haha)

They had goats, he built them a little house where they ate and lived and had babies. Those goats also kept the grass down to a bare minimum in that large yard. Now it is all grown over, and 2005's Hurricane Katrina knocked down trees that smashed up places in the fence, but that was long after he was gone and, to my knowledge, those things were never repaired.

He built his house himself, of course with the help of others, but he designed it and built it himself for the most part. Now that house and most of the property he purchased is sold and being lived in and enjoyed by other people. It makes me sad, as if we've lost a part of Pa-Pa with his accomplishments going into the hands of other people. But I had no way to stop or change any of that, so I have to accept where life's road has wound, and move forward in my own life.

One day, I long to find my Pa-Pa in heaven and give him a long, enormous hug that lasts for several hundred years. I mean, will have all of eternity before us so what's a few hundred years? Haha

Then I want to take him and we can go for a long walk, just the two of us, down a golden street next to water that shines like pure glass and he can tell me stories and answer questions and he can probably ask questions and I will tell him about my life if he wants.

I remember him to be a big-hearted man. My mom always seemed to me to be a daddy's girl and I know she will be elated to see him again also. But I will have some time with him of my own. I was his Coley, not his first granddaughter but his first granddaughter from my mom and I really believe we had something special. He made me feel special. He made me feel unconditionally loved.

I don't know what his reaction would have been, had he been around at the point in my life where I figured out my lesbian identity. I'm actually kind of glad he wasn't here, because that might have been a sticking point between us and I would have hated that, though I could not have denied my true self as I tried to do for many years before I finally admitted it and moved forward with my life.

In heaven, I'm feel certain that will be a non-issue and the prevailing theme of everyday will be love. Just like Jesus said during his time on earth, "Love one another as I have loved you." That will be the prevailing theme of every single day in heaven and grievances and offenses will have no place there. Not just a concept but a true real life tangible reality.

I love you,  Pa-Pa. I can't wait to see you again. I know we will have years of stories to tell each other and will create more stories and memories once we are in heaven together. Tell Jesus I love him...  not that I can't do that myself from here, but please tell him in person.

I love you, I miss you, I look forward to eternity and having more time with you and others that I love who have gone before me. That's all for now.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Bedtime Sunday

So, the Emmys are on and I'm watching some guy I have no idea who he is receiving an award for something I've never heard of. But that's cool, because Lady Gaga was the one who gave him the award. She actually looks nice tonight I mean not that she doesn't look nice most of the time; I just never thought of her as attractive but tonight... Tonight, she kind of has it.

It is Sunday night. I have to go to work in the morning. Not looking forward to that, but... It will be ok. I'm in kind of a mood of "who gives a crap." I don't feel like taking a bath so I'm probably not. I don't feel like going to sleep right now so I'm probably not. Because when I get up tomorrow morning ,whether or not I have taken a bath and no matter what time I fall asleep, I will be tired. Then I will go to work and sweat. So, who cares.

Lately, I find myself fascinated by Kate Winslet. I do that. I get very interested in one actor or actress and try to see every movie they have made. So now it's Kate Winslet. Last night, Lena and I watched Revolutionary Road. It was a fascinating movie but ended very sadly. One thing about Kate Winslet is, in almost every movie I've seen of her so far she's had sex. And last night was the second time I saw her die. So, yeah, Kate Winslet is the shit. She is an amazingly talented actress and plays each role distinctly to the character in each story. Meaning she's not just the same person saying words in a bunch of different settings. She creates true, distinct characters each time.

Wow. Now on the Emmys is a woman showing way more cleavage than I would like to see on her. It's actually a bit nauseating. So let me avert my eyes, haha.

Some show named olive kitteridge keeps winning and I have never heard of it before. Of course, I don't have cable so its probably on something like HBO or whatever. I don't think I'm missing out on anything, though. I just have one less billl than a lot of people do. Hahaha yes I was right, they just said HBO

Now this woman who is talking sounds drunk. I think it's funny; she looks really frazzled and frizzy and she sounds drunk and she's making an ass of herself on television. Awesome. Because when you're a celebrity, you can do that and get away with it and also get paid for it. Nice. I showed up at work one time apparently still a tad drunk from the night before and learned my lesson to never do that again. Now I'm watching people get paid to be drunk representing their jobs on live television. How cool is that. I'll tell you, it's not cool, it sucks. Whatever.

Lena is not in the room right now or she would be staring at me cockeyed the way I am talking into my phone like this. Yeah, I've kind of grown addicted to this talk instead of type feature on smartphones these days. It's so much easier, & I think so much faster than I can type, especially on a phone., that it just works better.

Now Lena has come in the room but she's not looking at me, she's looking in her bedside table. Poor thing, she has not been feeling good all weekend. She's a trooper though, and she's taking the time to rest so that she can press forward tomorrow and go to work and get done what she needs to get done. Gotta respect that.

I was just earlier watching season 4 of Breaking Bad and these people were drunk and high continuously for what seemed like a week's time at this guy's house, Jesse Pinkman, and he kept supplying them with loads and loads of pizza so now I kind of have a yen for pizza. But, no pizza for me.

I need to go wash my face and brush my teeth, do the whole floss routine, and go to bed. Lucky me, I am NOT going to work on Tuesday so I have that to look forward to. Yeah... Going to the vagina doctor on Tuesday... But at least I won't be going to work, ha! & I will leave you with that thought. Good night, America! Have a great Monday.

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Grateful

I am grateful for my home. I am grateful for the house in which I live, its colors warmth and charm, and grateful for those who share this home with me.

I am grateful for Lena, Luna, Hippie and Leroy. I am grateful for the still, quietness of this morning. Grateful to see my cats staring out the window, their steady gazes fixed intently on goodness knows what. :-)

I have a really good life. I'm grateful for my job. Don't always enjoy getting up at the butt crack of the morning to go to work, bur I am grateful my job, for most of the people I work with (ha ha), but especially to have a moderately decent income.

I am grateful to be, currently, working on paying down my debts. I have goals and a plan, and I should have the debt I'm currently working on paid off no later than January 2016. Then, on to the next step. And so on and so forth, and when I am finished, I will feel rich because I really make enough money to live ok. It's just being sucked up by debts. When the debts are gone, I will be able to make a very sweet savings and live comfortably. I am grateful for that blessing.

I am grateful for the calm, simple things in life. Grateful for a cat's meow. I'm grateful for the sound of birds that I hear right now outside.

I am grateful for Lena and the orderly way she lives her life. I am also grateful for her crazy sense of humor! She is the best of every world, and I could not ask for more. She is patient, creative, caring, gentle, silly, crazy and very smart. I could not have gone to a human version of Build-a-Bear and made a better life partner, ha!

Just feeling super grateful this morning and wanted to share. I encourage you to sit still, notice what is around you wherever you are, and find the things that you can be grateful for. It makes life a much happier place to be.

May God continue to bless you GREATLY today!

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Doctor Blues

So, today is Tuesday. It actually feels like Monday because I took Monday off from work. With the previous Monday being Labor Day, that's two Mondays I had off in a row. I also took off this past Friday so II had a four day weekend. My vacation days expire on October 10th and I'm not going to let those suckers go to waste. Haha

I got a bill in the mail today from my neuropsychologist. I've been very frustrated with that office because they have only filed my claim as psychotherapy, and my insurance, for some crazy reason, will not cover mental health treatment. (Funny that I said "for some 'crazy' reason"... Hahaha.) Point being, we're not having counseling or talk therapy sessions; he prescribes meds for me and I check in with him every 6 months.

Anyway, I decided I wasn't going to go back to see this doctor anymore if I had to pay for it mostly out of pocket. I'm paying out of every paycheck for health insurance! What's the deal? I even appealed the claim with the insurance but they denied it.

Anyway, I got a bill from that clinic today and they took a little more off so now I owe 80 something dollars. I thought about it, & I decided... I can pay that. If my ridiculous insurance won't cover my seeing this doctor, so be it, whatever, screw them, That's fine, whatever. I will pay what I have to pay, but I think it's best that I see this doctor because he's a specialist. I could get the same medications from a general practitioner, but they would not be specially trained in this area or be able to answer my questions as expertly about what's going on in my head.

Specifically, I have non-epileptic seizures. It's weird and kind of embarrassing to talk about, but the seizures are similar to partial complex seizures, not grand mal, fall on the floor and shake, seizure... It's a seizure I can feel and it slows me down and it freaks me out. Apparently, this is not caused by epilepsy; it's my body's way of managing feelings of stress or trauma. These seizures are controlled with an anti-anxiety medication.

Anyway, I'm going to keep going to this doctor that my mean old insurance won't pay much on, because he is good at what he does and that is what I need.

It's almost 7:30 p.m. and I need to wrap this up soon, but I do want to see the weather out here is amazing. It's breezy and comfortable, as in cool. The heat this summer was about to drive me nuts. (There I go again with the references to mental health... whaaa? heh...)

Anyway. I took Luna for a walk earlier, and it was lovely. The wind, the dimming sunlight, all that. Now the sky is a muted kind of bluish periwinkle. The street lights have come on and I can see the sky, the red brick building across the street, the green grass, the white sidewalks, the grey/brown pavement on the street, the green grass in my yard, the red bricks on my walkway, the black iron posts on my porch, the off-white string to the swing I'm sitting in, and the maroon shorts I'm wearing. Teehee

...And the beautiful Lena, who just walked outside to join me! Goodnight, world! Life is going to be OK after all. I have to believe that.   :-)

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Peaceful

I wrote this blog yesterday afternoon/evening (Tuesday 9/7) but my phone wouldn't cooperate to let me post it. Trying again with my tried and trusted desktop dynamo.  Happy Hump Day, everybody!


Sitting on my porch, in my favorite swing, watching the falling rain taper off. It didn't even rain that hard today, just a little... Just enough. I felt a few drops hit my legs and bare feet; the swing is right near the edge of the porch. I am so glad  fall is on the way in.  Supposedly, according to our friends the meteorologists, we will have a cool front at the end of this week.  I'm totally posed to be utterly exhilarated. :-)

I had a pretty good day today. Work was not too, too stressful yet I had enough things to do to keep me busy and feeling productive. When I got home, I gave Luna a bath outside. She has needed a bath... BADLY... for weeks now, I'm ashamed to say, but I have not felt like bathing my smelly girl. Just so happened, today I got home and had a flash of "want-to" so I got Luna straightaway, took her outside, and gave her the bath of her life. Haha.

Anyway, after that, I took her for a walk on her leash. I like to do that after I bathe her, to give her a chance to kind of air dry a little. Today we only walked a little bit because dark clouds were moving in and I kept hearing thunder. So now, I am in the swing and Luna is behind me, between the rocking chairs, up against the brick wall of the house. She is such a good dog. I couldn't have asked for a better canine companion.

Tomorrow at work should be okay. Nothing huge on the schedule, at least not that I know of, haha.

I'll go inside before long, get bathed and clean, and settle in with my sweet, wonderful, amazing Lena Pie for the evening. Life with Lena is very close to perfect, I'd say. We love each other very much and have declared our intentions to be together forever, wedding or no wedding. We laugh and each call the other our "Beyonce." (er... fiancee... heh) Very fitting. :-)

The rain has stopped now. Only the occasional drip from the edge of the roof. Time to take my delightful, damp dog  inside and gear down for the evening.

C'est bon!

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Seven Sentiments on this Serene Saturday Morning

Seven random thoughts/concepts calmly bobbing my brain matter this morning:

1.  I am happy. Calm. Peaceful. And so grateful that cruel, oppressive heat has lifted a little.

2.  Thinking of my Dallas friend Jen Austin this morning... and her ex-partner Angela, their 3 amazing young daughters... Please give them all an extra big dose of love, Lord. Three cute littles now growing into distinct little people, forming their own individual personalities and opinions. No matter what else, I pray they would know You. Your love. Your unwavering trustworthiness. Amen.

3.  The past couple of nights, we've kept all 3 pets out of the bedroom because Lena says Luna's odor has become quite a bit too much for her to tolerate. I don't really smell it, but I respect my dear love so the pets have been sleeping together in the hallway and the living room. Not surprisingly, the pets have responded in their own little passive aggressive ways by leaving pillows and pillows worth of shedded hair and fur for us to clean up every morning. Ha ha ha

4.  This presidential race in the works is really making me queasy. I desperately do not want to see Donald Trump become president of this nation. I just see from him coming discrimination, Dungeness, dictatorship, and disaster. I was leaning towards supporting Hillary because she is more supportive of things that are important to me but all her email drama nonsense is seeming to affect her campaign in a negative fashion. this presidential race in the works is really making me queasy. I desperately do not want to see you Donald Trump become president of this nation. I just see from him coming discrimination, stinginess, disaster and a strong pull in the direction of dictatorship.  Currently registered as an independent, I will change my registration status to Republican in half a heartbeat if that's what it takes to get anyone besides Donald Trump on the final ballot in the 2016 election.

5.  I have been reading a book about Psycho-something-or-other Non-epileptic Seizure Disorder. This condition is currently being managed by a low dose of generic klonopin. Some doctors have told me there are ways to manage this condition and not take anti - anxiety meds. So I am reading this book to learn about how I might do that. The more I read, see more surmounting and challenging this in vision quest becomes and honestly it is making me tired. I would almost rather say screw it and just keep taking the meds. The problem is that my insurance company is really being a pain about paying for my visit to my Neuropsychologist, Dr. John Bolter. Cigna claims counseling is not covered on my policy. However, I do not see Dr. Bolter for counseling. I see him to get refills of my needed prescriptions. It could be said that this situation with said insurance company is quite counterproductive toward my recovery because they are causing me increasing anxiety over their assholeness. Maybe I can just start seeing a regular neurologist to get my prescriptions because that way there would be no mention of the illegal term psychology. Or, I could just see a primary care physician, pay a lower copayment. Get my prescriptions and be on my happy little way. I just like talking to Dr. Bolter because he is a specialist in this field and can answer my questions more concisely.

6.  I guess I had more on my mind then I realized, haha! Sorry this is turning out to be more of a bitch session then a simple recording of my thoughts. Well, this is me. Ha ha ha. I love Lena and I am ever grateful for her as the best part of my life. My favorite part of everyday is coming home from work to be with her,

7.  And, lastly there is a woman who has been a part of my life for a long time, maybe 20 or 30 years. I initially knew her as Carol Winn. Time and years have passed and now she is Callie Winn Crawford. When I was 11 or 12, I just about wanted to be this woman when I grew up. Haha. However, reality has taken its course and I have become me and she is still her, which is, after all, the best way for things to be. She is now retired from the United Methodist Church where she served in numerous churches for many years as  a caring and inspiring pastor. Ihave heard hundreds of her sermon. Recently, she has published an online collection of sermons called "Sermons From Below Sea Level".  These are sermons from the time directly following the onslaught of Hurricane Katrina in 2005. What stands out to me as I now read the sermons is the skill and artistry with which they were written. Listening is one thing, reading give me a much greater, deeper insight into what Carol / Callie was trying to say, to convey. Her writing is truly art, poetic almost, using rhymes and alliterations, descriptive and precise vocabulary, metaphors and similes to form a virtual painting with her words. A painting full of color and contrast and detail that one could stare at for hours and hours, seeing nuance after nuance and depth under depth beneath depth. I want to continue reading the sermons, absorbing as much as I can while also learning from her writing techniques. I am amazed and very impressed. Can I pick a role model or what? Haha

My wish for everyone who has suffered through reading this long blog, haha, is that you have a fantastic and relaxing weekend.

Until we meet again!

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Sunday Stillness

Hello there. Just sitting on the love seat this morning next to my actively - grooming cat Leroy Brown Fontaine. I am enjoying this time just taking it easy with my Lena and my furbabies.

Not feeling overly - inclined to go to church these days... Can't really explain why, it's more that I'm just happy at home. I love God, God loves me, I talk to God and vice versa... I read the Bible, Lena and I discuss the Bible together. I guess that might sound like I'm trying to justify my not going to church, but I'm really not. Just explaining my thoughts.

I appreciate a format to share my thoughts, document what goes on in this head of mine, and maybe just kind of paint a picture of my life that someone else, somewhere, might enjoy viewing.

Yesterday, I was at work for 9 hours. Actually a little more but anyway... I did lots of physical work - climbing up and down ladders, emptying shelves of glassware, cleaning the shelves, and putting the glassware back in a somewhat more organized arrangement.  It was pretty cool, no one bothered me all day and that was awesome, hahaha.

I had my little CD player in the room where I was working and I finished off a book on CD I've been listening to about the role played by new immigrants to the United States during the First World War. I enjoyed that book on CD, and really have a greater appreciation for immigrants and their contribution to the strength of our country.

I have nothing against President Obama's actions taken on immigrants. I think that has to do with my attitude toward animals, haha. If I could, I would take in every stray animal and house it and feed it and love it. Of course, that's not practical and I believe that Lena would probably pack up and leave, haha... But that's my attitude toward people, especially from Mexico. People come here because they are needy and we have so much abundance in this country. Let them stay! Let them stay and have a safe place to live, probably nicer accommodations than they had before, cleaner drinking water, etc etc. Just let them stay.

I bet some people might disagree with my viewpoint there, but that is what I think. People should be able to agree to disagree.

In other news, Lena was just brushing Hippie with a large paintbrush. I thought that was kind of funny. Might make a funny cartoon drawing; painting the cat, haha.

Lena had a contractor over here yesterday to discuss how to make our oven-like living area more livable. We thought we just needed a larger air conditioner unit with more BTUs, but he said we could put as bigger a unit in the wall as we wanted and it still wouldn't make a difference. He said what we needed was a good ceiling fan to circulate the cool air, and he would install it for a labor charge of $110.

We think that's awesome and we are going to speak soon to our landlord and ask him if we can buy a fan, have it installed, and take the expense out of our next rent payment. That's kind of the way were having to do things with this landlord. He's not that much of a get-up-and-go kind of guy haha but, if we do the legwork on needed repairs or tweaks in this house, mostly he thinks that's great.

I am omitting here my thoughts about how it takes a woman to get things done in this world because men can be very lazy haha that was rude; maybe I should take that out... but Lena says leave it so I will! Anyway that's the truth from my vantage point.

I'm so glad the temperature is somewhat regulating here in Louisiana. South Louisiana, that is. For the past week or even maybe 2 weeks its been in the 100 degree range, with heat indices up to 115! That is crazy psycho ridiculous. This week, the highs will only reach to the low 90's, and that is beautiful and wonderful and something for which Lena and I are both extremely grateful. Maybe we would not appreciate highs in the lower nineties as much if we had not experience that period of such extreme heat. 

So, that's the news from Lake Woebegone, where are all the lesbians are strong, all the gay men are pretty, and all the furbabies are above average. Later, friends. :-)

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Senility: Sweet or Sour?

Increasingly, I am finding myself not oriented to time or date or place. Its just every now and then, and it only lasts for a moment, but I find it unsettling. I wonder if that is what it's like to have Alzheimer's. I worry about Alzheimers, maybe more often than I should, but my grandmother has it... and my neuropsychologist said that I am at greater risk to developing Alzheimer's because of the traumatic brain injury I experienced when I was 16. Coma, hemiparesis, amnesia, the whole nine yards; it was grand.

Anyway, back to Alzheimer's. I wonder if Alzheimer's patients live their lives bouncing from state to state of disorientation. I wonder if it's scary, or if they just don't care because they just don't know.

I wanted to go ahead and document this as I experience it so that, just in case I end up with Alzheimer's one day, haha... there will be a record of the path I took to get there.

Sometimes I will be in a bathroom stall at work and I'll look up and it will take me a minute to remember where I am and which building I'm in. Sometimes, I wake up and I'm not sure which day it is. I know this is probably very common but I just wanted to make note of it. Sometimes it's like I'm waking up from a dream and things are foggy. I have to sort out what's real and what's not.

I hope I'm not over-dramatizing this. It only happens... maybe less than once a day... and the state only lasts a few seconds. Just documenting, for my own purposes, and maybe for the purposes of someone else someday. Who knows?

I bet some might say, "Oh, that's normal, that's just part of life," but this is MY life... and I'm just recording my thoughts.

I heard a program on the radio the other day that discussed all these new, different strategies to strengthen your brain and to fend off senility. Basically what they said was, most of that theory is bunk and the best way to fend off senility is to stay involved with social groups and join in activities with other people.

My opinion? Everyone has their theory. And I think that I could do every one of these suggested preventitive techniques and it may or may not help... But what I know I can trust is the faithfulness of God. So, as I experience life and attempt to document my experiences as precisely as possible, I am also trying to continually give it up to God and trust that He will take care of me no matter what happens to my physical body.

Friday, June 5, 2015

Prose Poem

Currently, I am studying a MOOC called "How Writers Write Poetry."  Learning new techniques or writing poetry and new components that cam comprise a poem is both freeing and inspiring. The lesson today addressed what is called "prose poetry."  New to me.  I really liked it, though.  So here is my first shot at prose poetry:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Teetering"

Nicole Henderson, 

May 5, 2015


My dad was being mean, mocking and teasing and taunting me.  "You can't do that.  You can't do ANYTHING.  You are so stupid."

Night outside.  She followed us there in her small SUV.  I was nervous, felt giddy and felt guilty.

We were in a dim living room with about five other, indistinguishable people.  Carefully, I sat and sank into the deep sofa beside her.  I was nervous, felt exhilarated and felt even more guilty than I had earlier.

The movies began to play and I remained there sunk into the sofa with the skin on my arm thrilling and tingling when it brushed against her skin.  Right there next to me.  I swatted at the nagging guilt trying to deeper permeate my conscience.

I worried the movies would run too long; she had to get up early.  

Six or seven short movies showed like short stories all in a row.  The movies were finished in about 45 minutes.

Her brow creased.  "That was all?  I drove a long way to get here."  

A motionless moment... I was at a loss for what to say.

She closed the gap by suggesting we look around.  Crossing the room, we crouched close together to examine a low row of shelves.

The moment sparkled like icicles in the moonlight.

A rectangular tin opened easily.  "Candles," we simultaneously observed aloud.  Nervous laughter.  A presence between us crackled and drew us together like static cling.


(Did she really?)



(Would I really??)


Down in our own dark, still space we gazed ahead at the shelves, seeing nothing and feeling everything.  Tentatively, softly, I placed my open hand on the back of her arm, just above the elbow. She did not pull away.

My dad was nowhere to be found.

I awoke, frozen in fire, my heart in my throat.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Moment by Moment

Sitting on a curb on Main Street. I hear bird songs, interstate traffic, and I smell wonderful bread smells from the bakery that is down here somewhere. I am waiting for the bus. It is 4:42 a.m.

I am trying to learn to be more aware of myself and of my surroundings. Messaging with a friend lately, the idea has come to me that it is a good thing to be aware of oneself end of one's reactions to others.

Though as I grow older the concept seems more abstract, I am trying to keep my eyes on the Lord and deal with each moment as it comes. Trying to think of a whole day can be overwhelming. So...

In this moment, I will do my best with what I have and what I know. That's the best I can offer. Have a great day filled with lots of moments. :-)

Friday, April 24, 2015

Aging Well

This MOOC I am taking now poses the question, what does "aging well" mean to me?  I really have to take a moment and consider this question.

Aging well... I believe would mean, retaining good health and stable mental faculties as one ages.

Aging well... being strong in body and mind, for as long as viably possible.  And, once the body has passed its natural ability to remain strong, to age well would mean living not so strong but with a stable and secure peace about oneself.

That's what I get out of the question.  Anyone have different ideas?  Please share in the comments; I'd love to hear other points of view.



Picture from:  http://www.brinkzone.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/5-anti-aging.jpg

Thursday, April 23, 2015

The Jumping-Off Point

It is very sobering to look at graphs of projected life expectancy for the world's population in the years to come.  Length of life for humans is projected to extend farther as time progresses... this is not the sobering part.  The sobering part is seeing that only a very miniscule number of people will live past the age of 110.  We are all going to die.  It's just a question of when.

The thought of death makes me anxious.  Not anxious or afraid of... hell, or punishment... no, I have a sturdy faith that I will lead a pleasant and rewarding afterlife, surrounded by the love of God.

I dread the moment of death.  The moment of drawing my last breath, by whatever means that may come.  I hope I die in my sleep... I almost want to pray that I die in my sleep.  I don't want to be awake and aware when I am pushed over the jumping-off point.  The concept of dy-ING... scares me to death.

Go figure.  Life is beautiful.  Heaven is amazing.  It's the moment of transition that elevates my heart rate and sizzles my nerves.  I need to pray about that, huh...


Picture from https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYxr3dbOEsNhWMatFDRIKiQcj2uJDZe_vgIkiBYIG0JHr0IKFplZ4b5Gy7FCChnB63da515m7MPE_cJxc_G0sAPSLjS-j_3rvcG3NLCFbmN6Q9lByscrgISucqMKlWRAVQHVpCUEEZcY4/s1600/mother-teresa1.jpg

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Preparing for Aging

I have started taking a MOOC (Massive Open Online Course) that addresses our perspectives on aging.  One of the early videos in this class suggests we keep a journal or blog during this course to keep track of our ideas and how those might change.

So you might be hearing from me, from time to time, about my ideas on getting old.

One of the first ideas that was brought up was the idea of what life will be like in the year 2040; in other words, they suggested making a 25-year plan.  I'll admit I hadn't seriously thought that far ahead before.

I am scared of developing Alzheimer's.  That's just me being real.  I am genetically predisposed to Alzheimers and, also, my Neuropsychologist Dr. John Bolter has told me that my 1992 Traumatic Brain Injury puts me on the fast track to a high spot on the Alzheimer's likelihood list.  Nice.  I hope I have someone to take care of me then.

Getting old scares me.  This class ought to bring me a big dose of reality and, hopefully, I will be able to work out a few of my own personal issues so that I have a lot more peace moving forward.

Later.  :)

Picture from:  http://www.alzheimer.ca/en/montreal/We-can-help/Respite%20and%20Stimulation/Art%20Therapy/Art%20Therapy%20workshops

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

The Heart of a Missionary

Sometimes I wonder what is in the heart of a missionary. By missionary I mean someone who moves to another country, overseas and abroad, with the stated purpose being to tell people about Jesus. That thought just crossed my mind this is this morning.

In the church I used to attend, I picked up a sense that the reason for telling people about Jesus was almost rooted in disdain, maybe anger, maybe with a tinge of disgust.  I'm not saying that was their intention as they taught about missions; that's just how my very zealous mind interpreted what I heard. 

We were taught not to have friends who weren't Christians. In other words, not to associate with those who were not family. When I did "reach across the aisle," so to speak, or when I did feel the urge to witness to someone, it was more with an underlying feeling of putting on gloves and reaching into a pit of muck and stench to pull someone up. I felt it was my duty as a Christian because they needed to be thankful for the great sacrifice Jesus made for them, dying on the cross.

Now. I do believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. However, my thoughts have broadened greatly since I've admitted to myself and to the world that I am a lesbian; someone not necessarily acceptable to the church and society of which I formerly was a part. Now, I feel like I am seen by my former family as one in the pit of stench who needs to be pulled out, hosed off, and pushed forward into their idea of correct living.

It took me many long years to reconcile my innate homosexuality with my genuine love for God. I had been taught God's love was not available to my caliber of sinner. It took me years to learn and to truly believe God loves me exactly the way I am.

That part of my life story is an entire novel in and of itself but for today I will stick to my original topic. What is a missionary? I believe all Christians are called to live as missionaries. However, I don't believe Jesus wants us to walk around with our noses figuratively up in the air as we stoop down to sacrificially warns people who do not know Jesus that He is the one and only way to get to heaven.

So what is the heart of a missionary? My objective in writing this blog is not to sculpt my own blanket definition of what a missionary is. My objective is to get you to think about it. What is your opinion on that topic? What is your answer to that question?

I don't believe there is one and only one specific right answer. I can tell you, however, a few things that I believe are a part of the definition of a missionary: 

Love people.

Live what you talk about; let your life line up with your words.

Love.

Love, love, love! Isn't that God's underlying reason for everything? Everything He does for us is rooted in love. I John 4:8 says, "God IS love." I don't think he can make it any clearer.

So go give people love and, in so doing, give them God.

Make friends. Be nice to people. Be genuinely nice to people. Love people, just like God loves you.

Don't judge. Don't judge anyone. Don't judge anyone, ever. That is a high goal; I will readily admit that I am far from perfect in that area but I am working on it. I will say that God has helped me become a lot better at loving people, loving people more and judging them less.

Judging is God's business. Loving is our business.

Be a regular person. Live among regular people. And if there truly is a light inside of you, they will see it. 

People are drawn to light. People are drawn to kindness. Pray for people. Pray for their needs without bragging about it.

Be happy. Don't be fake happy, but know God. Know who God is to you. Spend time talking to God; getting to know God- and that will make you a happy person.

You don't have to be a spiritual Roto Rooter to drill into someone's psyche, loosen up who they are and force God down their throat. Just love.

Be a missionary. Hand out love for free. That's what God is all about really: love for free, for anyone and everyone. 

God is love. You be love, too. Let's all strive and pray to have the heart of a missionary.

<p><I>Isaiah 55:1- Is anyone thirsty? Come and drink--even if you have no money! Come, take your choice of wine or milk--it's all free! "</I></p>

<I>Revelation 22:17- "The Spirit and the bride say, 'Come.' Let anyone who hears this say, 'Come.' Let anyone who is thirsty come. Let anyone who desires drink freely from the water of life. "<I>

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Turning Up Roses

In Starbucks on this crisp, happy spring morning. Just stopped by to make a drop off at Goodwill. So far, it's a good day.

Though I will say I am somewhat hungry... maybe more like just short of ravenous. Over the past month or so, I've been transitioning to the vegan lifestyle. I'm finding this change very rewarding and also refreshing. Though finding vegan foods at public eateries is proving challenging.

This morning, I am about to enjoy a grande soy latte. After it cools a little.  :)

One thing I'm VERY excited about is themyanned move next week OUT of my apartment and INTO a real, free-standing SINGLE-FAMILY-HOME house! And it's beautiful,  and spacious, and wonderful. Brick and wood outside,  all wooden inside, it was built in the 1940s and has cozy, homey features like 12-foot ceilings and transome windows above the doorways.  The landlord is a kind, calm and friendly FAMILY man who lives next door and, as it turns out, goes to our church.

So no more noisy neighbors,  no more band practice above my bedroom until the wee hours, and no more frantic hurrying from the car to the door,  holding my breath to stave off the repugnant second-hand from my neighbor who loved to suck nicotine outside her door as she sent and received incessant text messages that beeped and beeped and beeped....

No, no more of that. I anticipate happy mornings in a sunny kitchen, cats swirling gently around my ankles as I swirl fragrant coffee in my mug. I anticipate looking out over a happy back yard surrounded by wooden fences and seeing the small vegetable garden I will plant.

Yes, everything is turning up roses... which,  by the way, I will be planting in the flower bed along the front side of the house.

Pictures to come.

God loves me SO MUCH! And I love Him right back. :)

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Senitnelav Yad: A Story

This had been a Valentine's Day I would never forget. Holding her close, I drifted off to sleep. I smiled into the dark, elated by the possibilities that came with the beginning of this new relationship. We had traveled to heaven together, and I never wanted to leave. She whispered in my ear that she loved the sound of my heartbeat.

Finaly exhausted, we lay still together. Any concept of time was lost to us both. Passionate lovemaking consumed us. We collapsed on the bed.  Unquenchable fire followed undressing... followed touching... followed kissing... followed a gentle approach. No words were spoken.

We went inside my apartment.  I led the way up two flights of stairs with her following me. Anticipation was boiling my brain. Sitting in the car she gave me an expectant, teasing, somewhat sultry, knowing look.  Parking my car was a challenge because her soft, sexy voice had me so distracted.

I turned my car into the gate to my complex . So enchanted was I in her, I almost missed my turn.  I asked if she would like to come see where I lived.

I opened the car door for her like a true, classy gentlewoman. Tentatively, she took my hand as we walked through the restaurant parking lot. Finally, we agreed that it was time to get going.

We lingered and talked forever.  I had never known someone with whom I had so many things in common and with whom I shared such a deep mutual attraction and understanding. The evening flowed smoothly and dreamlike, without a hitch.

Standing in the cold, I pulled her close to me. Distinguishing between the stars in the sky and the stars in her eyes was intoxicating. I breathed in her beauty as she stepped outside her house.

I had finally asked her out, and I was so glad I had summoned up the courage to do so! Hearing her say the word YES made me glow from the inside out.

"Could I take you to dinner on Valentine's Day?" The conversation wound its way down a curly path to an expectant, tingling end.  Leaning her elbow on the countertop behind her, she smiled at me. I was almost certain that what we had been doing could be defined as flirting. We talked some and laughed some, volleying cute phrases back and forth. I followed her into the breakroom.

She was beautiful. Shiny, brunette hair with dark brown eyes and lashes that seemed to beckon me closer. Every time she passed by me, my pulse quickened. She came to work at my company about three months ago, and I'd had somewhat of a crush on her from very early on.

Her name was Audrey.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Some of My Favorite Things from 2014

1.  Discovered Trader Joe's
2.   New work assignment
3.  Got a raise
4.  My car was dead,  dead,  dead and a very kind and generous someone paid to have it fixed for me.
5.  When my car was acting up again,  another person came over one Sunday morning and helped me fix it for cheap.
6.  Lena and I officially decided to move in together
7.  Got to better know a lot of friends at work.
8.  Made plans for an AWESOME AMAZING BIRTHDAY GIFT FOR LENA THAT I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT... but am keeping my lips zipped about so it will be a 100% surprise. :-) Her bday comes in March.
9.  Discovered Grey's Anatomy
10.  Spent minimal money on Christmas by making most of my gifts.
11.  Realized did not want to become an art therapist because I really don't enjoy talking to crazy people about their problems.  This is due in part to my experiences doing volunteer work at the crisis phone line. Haha...
12.  Realized I have a tendency to throw myself headlong into things with so much passion and fervor that I burn out quickly and become resentful.  I saw that I need to take things more slowly and with smaller steps.
13.  Reunited better with my best friend from college.
14.  Discovered Breaking Bad
15.  Renewed my lease on my apartment and lived in the same place for more than one year for the first time in my adult life.
16.  Had my 2nd year anniversary with Lena.
17.  Finally caught up with The Walking Dead series on TV.

Lots more but that's all I can think of right now.  Toodles.