And it was me
But it was only you
No phony, only
Was it true?
Deception - rejection - true reflection
Starved for your touch
A blush, a hush, and absent affection
I felt your protection
Hid inside your strength
Your projected badass bravado
The best of best friends
Closer than close
Shared all and bared all
As I tried not to stare
And you smiled...
Shared secrets and songs
Poems, guitars, letters, journals, prayers, toothbrushes...
And beds
Maybe tomorrow?
Maybe... tonight?
My heart pounding, pounding, sounding...
Drowning... but you never let me drown.
And we barely talked about it...
Still, no, that wasn't right.
But it WAS right!
My church-inflicted inner fight
Crushed my hope and blocked the light
Cruelly condemned myself
When I needed help
Yet would have been content
To sit
In the warmth and snug safety of your arms
Soft lips and soft breath on my neck
Not teasing
Completion
We were one
That was all I wanted
That was all
Simultaneously, still, you chased others
Longed for lovers
And my heart raced
My nerves braced
Self erased
Pride debased
Was this painful love misplaced?
And YES it was love!
And yes it was real
Yet the shame blame game
Tore my mind
And I tore my wrist
But I still missed
Your heart
I was only trying to let some of the pain out
Disconsolate, depressed, desperate...
Denied
That was all I wanted.
That was all.
But you stuck by me
Didn't deem me crazy
Or push me away
Natural as a heartbeat, of course you stayed
True friends don't go away
So, song and dance and games we'd play
Ran free into an endless, starlit evening
And I, the daring dreamer of romance
Ran free
Carefree
Until
You wanted him
More than you wanted me
I had to leave.
I couldn't - do you hear me?
COULD - NOT - STAY.
I would die
Heartbreak, anger
Sin and danger
Punishment was not a stranger
And what about us?
The songs, the trust,
The love the superior righteous loved to slander
Stamped it "lust"
I was torn
Crushed
And it was you...
You.
That was all I ever wanted.
Heart hemorrhaging
Dirty memories
The kiss I would never have
Though I guarded it with my life
In my deepest heart
I had to go
Let it all go
Throw it away
Burn what I could
Forget what I could
But I could not.
You were all I ever wanted.
That was all.
I tried to walk
Tried to change
There'd been no one besides you
So you got the blame
And you got the guy
And the sex
And the kids.
And I moved away,
But I still felt crazy.
Until
I met
Myself
And embraced her
And learned I was good
Validated, though late
My life is my joyful journey, not just my fate
So I've healed and I've grown
Found true delight on my own
And, though I will never forget the past,
I would also never change the present
Because this is what I truly needed
All along
But I will never forget
That sexy, scared, scary young girl
With the vixen black hair and the black leather jacket
Whose piercing blue eyes penetrated me
Whose silky, slender fingers slid inside my soul, gripped my heart,
And made it beat to her own rhythm
Dizzying, intoxicating, elevating, satiating...
Because, once upon a time,
That was all I ever wanted...
That was all.
Nicole L. Henderson
November 20, 2015
