Letting Go

So... the topic tonight was Letting Go. I had a lot of thoughts during the meeting. One of the first things said, read from a book, was that we will be amazed that pain goes away when we "let go."

It was said in a number of different ways that we should let go; that we needed to focus on taking care of ourselves instead of worrying about other people's lives. I said, at one point, that I felt guilty for letting go.

I do. I feel guilty for just leaving. For just cutting off my caring for her like the flipping of a light switch. I feel like a real ass for that.

But she hurt me. When she was drunk, she was irrational, argumentative and just MEAN. And there was no end, until she fell asleep... or "passed out," however you want to say it.

I lived with that for THREE YEARS. I took it, and took it, and made do, and even addressed the issue with her on more than one occasion, and received apologies and hugs, and it happened again, and on, and on, and on... and finally... I had ENOUGH.

I will never forget. The few weeks before I decided to leave, she was drinking more often than usual, drinking MORE than usual, and getting drunker than usual... and she was stressed, which usually led to her drinking more... and she was angry, and she was angry at me. We had a few issues between us, that had been bobbing on the surface for a week or two. And when she drank, she was ALL ABOUT those issues, and she was right, and I was wrong no matter what I said. Even when I swallowed my self-respect and apologized when I didn't feel I owed whatever specific apology, she was still mad.

She said to me one night, you probably think I'm gonna hit you... I wouldn't hit you; you're not WORTH IT.

She started accusing me of "f'ing around" on her (did not use appropriate words). Then one night, when she decided I had been gone too long, she took a shower and got all prettied up to go see a guy near where we lived.

Pushing, pushing, pushing... and then... one night she was drunk, and bitching at me, and I told her, "I can't live like this!" She said I might need to leave, or something like that, and I said fine, I will, and she said fine, leave.

I was so sick of letting her drunken statements just slide under the rug... I decided to leave.

Of course she had forgotten that by the next day. So I reminded her. And now she, I think someone told me, has posted on facebook that I texted her on her way to work and told her I was leaving. That is true, but I was just REMINDING her of what she and I together had decided the night before.

Just because she doesn't remember what goes on when she's drunk, doesn't mean that I am supposed to act like I don't either.

She didn't apologize. She didn't express any desire for me to stay... instead, I believe her exact words were, "If you walk out again, I'm not taking you back."

In other words, fine, leave, and just know it's your fault and we will never be together again.

SO.

I'm trying to let go. I'm trying to move on with my life and leave her behind. It hurts. It is very hard and feels very unnatural. I feel like an ass for just packing up and leaving.

And I'm supposed to let go.

I know better than to try to initiate a conversation. I HATE arguing with her. She is a mean arguer; she is vicious and mean and ruthless. I hate arguing with ANYBODY, to tell the truth. But I'm not seeking out that degree of argument. Nothing profitable has ever come of that. I hate it.

I hate that someone told me she was posting about dating someone... and I don't want to know the rest; I didn't even need to know that. Every time I am told anything about her, I have to get out of wherever I am, and I sob. Every time I talk about her, it wrings out my heart like a washcloth. She TEXTED me last night to ask about the code to get into our storage unit... I answered her... and then I cried.

Letting go is mean. Letting go feels horrible.

I could bow up and recite all the reasons I have for being mad at her... all the things she's done that hurt my feelings... but it doesn't amount to much compared to the big load of pain and pure wretchedness I feel.

I'm angry. I'm hurt. There is no quick fix for this unfixable situation.

There is nothing I could say that holds any value. I don't like living with drunk HER. I loved living with sober, nice HER. I feel like I should have given her an ultimatum, or a deadline... but I just packed up and left. No discussion. No nothing.

I wonder if she hurts. I'm sure she does some, but if she's dating, then there are no appropriate words. And if she's dating a GUY, I'm not sorry at all!

I'm broken. And I'm shutting up now.

Detachment

Went to another Al-Anon meeting last night. Felt a little less out of place when a lady there said she moved out from her alcoholic and THEN started going to meetings, like 31 years ago.

I cried. I told them I'd left, that I'd moved out and felt horrible and guilty and angry and afraid. And they all seemed to understand. I also told them I missed my cats and was afraid I'd never get any of them back. I tried to make light of it by laughing, but no one laughed. I felt stupid.

I learned something about myself during that meeting. This chick who sat near me went on and on about her own very troubling story. At the end of it, she turned to me and said, "And I just want to say to you, cats are not kids."

I had to stand up for myself, was my thought. So I said quietly, "I didn't say they were." I thought she was one of those people who are all snooty ass toward people who see their pets as children.

She said, "No, I meant, you don't have kids to worry about; it was right to get out of there; take care of YOU."

I understood, but I was still a little ruffled.

Then I felt guilty. I began calculating how, after the meeting, I could approach the chick in a lighthearted way to let her know it was okay; I wasn't mad at her.

The group continued discussing detachment.

And it hit me... I didn't owe this woman ANYTHING! I don't even remember her name for pete's sake. I tried, sitting there, to "detach" myself from my feelings of obligation to her. Obligation??!?!?? I don't even KNOW this woman, and I'm sitting there feeling like I need to make sure she understands I'm not mad at her!

What's more, SHE's the one who pissed ME off!! And I was angry at myself. Because that's what I did with my HER... I went above and beyond to make sure she didn't think I was mad at her... even when I had a right to be.

That is so exhausting.

I want to read up more on detachment. I need to learn more about that.

I have also learned to say "my alcoholic" and not give a gender label to the person I left. It keeps that more MY business... and keeps me from being as nervous. Though, along the lines of the detachment principles, I guess I shouldn't give a flying fuck what ANY of them might think about my being a lesbian. I need to detach from that.

Al-Anon is presenting me with concepts of making life SIMPLER. I like that. I also like that there are SO many meetings in SO many places... it's rare, I think, that you would run into the same person twice in a row, in close enough space of time for either of you to remember what the other said recently anyway.

DETACH. *sigh*

Oh yeah... a few other things... the chick who pissed me off did say a few really good things while she was sharing:

-The 3 C's... I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CONTROL it, and I can't CURE it,

-Frothy Emotional Appeal seldom suffices. Meaning, you can plead and cajole and beg and butter up, and it still just won't work.

And that's that. Geeeeeeeeeeez. Life is pretty good and I'm getting a little better as I go along.

And the green grass grows all around all around, the green grass grows all around

Went to an AlAnon meeting this morning. Recognized one face there from the only other meeting I've attended. Wanted to get down some of the things I learned and thoughts I had.

1- Acceptance does not have to equate to approval.

Acceptance was the topic at the other meeting I went to. I have been trying valiantly to accept... she drinks, I cannot change this, this is how she is... and I felt guilty when I'd had enough and left. But I guess I also need to accept my own feelings... that I was sick and tired of putting up with her behavior when she was drinking, and accept my own choice to leave.

2- Suit up and show up

That is a very good premise. Reminds me of the ethic I learned from Gerri, who would not miss work unless she was dead or close to being so.

3- Don't have a header for this one... I need to figure out who *I* am. And I need to BE who I am. I don't want to ever again be in a relationship where I have to reshape my SELF to accomodate the relationship.

Then again, that might be part of the whole relationship concept...each give a little, sacrifice here and there, to become one.

I don't know if I am capable of that at this point in my life. I don't know where to draw a line; I will give this much and no more, etc. I don't know if there SHOULD be a line... or else I obsess over whether I'm adhering to the principles I've laid out in effort to maintain my SELF. I don't know, consequently, if striving to maintain self is self-ISH.

So I get all bogged down in all these thoughts...

When she and I first were together, her phrase commonly was, "Baby, I'm EASY!" Meaning, we could do whatever, change plans, just do whatever, she was a total easy-goer. Turned out not to be so, to my perception. Or time brought changes, who knows.

I am going to try to stop focusing on feeling guilty for leaving. Guilty for not discussing it with her when she was sober. Going to try to stop imagining that conversation may or may not have played out. Gonna try really hard to leave it alone, "just for today," and focus on me.

From this point forward, being the best person I can.

I have this dream of a nice home or apartment, me & Luna and maybe a cat or two, in our own little world. I will live my own life, do what I need to do for me and for us, and not complicate things by incorporating another person. Not for a long time. As long as I can hold out, ha...

I would just love to have FRIENDS to spend time with. Friends to go places with and have fun with, then go our separate ways afterward.

I'm kind of soured on the concept of relationships right now, and think I'd pretty much rather just get on my feet financially and live MY own life for awhile. A LONG while. Maybe always... who knows. To focus on my relationship with God and my relationship with myself. Maybe start running again. Get some stuff paid off and build a savings. Who knows.

I'm sorry I hurt you... I'm pretty sure this did hurt you... but you hurt me too. I got tired of that. Over and over and over, absorbing your verbal blows that you claimed not to remember the next day. I got tired of trying to excuse it with, "Well, she was drunk... she didn't really mean that." That is not fair to ME. I told you that. You so seldom apologized to me for anything, and apologies you did offer seemed half-hearted after having been coerced by me.

I'm sorry I hurt you, but you so very much hurt me!!! Now was as good a time as any for this craziness to end. I hope you focus on yourself, get yourself better, and have a good, better future. All the best and a sincere love to you....................

From Me.

Chain of Fools

I left her. Yesterday. Moved back to BR with Luna. Left her and RJ and all the cats... I miss the cats.

Breakups SUCK. They are horrible and awful and I wish they could just be clean and done. Gerri was the best breakup associate I have ever dealt with. I have not appreciated that enough until now.

So she contacts me about money for the cell phones, about things she wants back, etc... and every time my entire insides just crunch up and leak sour acid. Picture a car battery that has a brake rotor from and 18-wheeler dropped on it. That's the closest comparison I can make.

But it was so very nice to go to sleep in a peaceful house with no one drunk, no accusations flying, no cursing, no anger... it was also nice not to have to drive an hour and a half to get to work this morning. It was ALSO nice to be able to GET to work on way less than a quarter tank of gas.

I don't miss her. Not yet; I'm sure I will. Right now, though, I am angry, and I am anxious of her... kind of afraid maybe?? Scared of words, not of physical blows. Words hurt almost more, it seems sometimes. She uses mean, vicious, dagger-like words... cut-to-the-bone words. Go-for-the-jugular words.

I miss my cats so much. Where I'm staying now, I can't have them. And I doubt she would ever give them to me later... I especially miss my sweet Hippie. He is my favorite cat, and I would whisper it to him all the time.

This breakup is a final breakup... no more trying again, no more being the definition of crazy... it's over and it's for the best. It just hurts SOOOOO bad!!! Last time, my heart was torn over thinking, 'But she was THE ONE... my forever "one"!' I don't feel that way anymore. She is mean, mean, mean, and far too soppy with Vodka and Bourbon. And when those factors are combined, look out.

Anyway.

Just needed to get that out.

Scary

Life is hard. It can be scary. When things happen that have happened before, that were scary every time before, yet still hurt when they happen again. It makes me so angry. Yet I am trying to accept the things I cannot change. Praying for the serenity to do so. It is not easy. I am angry. I am tired and getting more and more worn out.

I feel pathetic just to be grateful the anger has passed. Is that weak? Like, if things could just stay "okay," I would be okay with that. But that, too, is something I have no control over.

I know, without something dramatic and just short of a miracle, this will NEVER get any better. So I hang around and put up with every time it happens, wondering if and when enough will be enough.

In other news, Charlie Sheen is a total ass-wipe. More news after this.