Undivided

Well, here I am up to my ears in Hebrew, trying to get what God originally MEANT out of the words people have molded His word into, shaping the original Hebrew into our own first languages so we can read and understand for ourselves.

Undivided.

Anyone remember a Twila Paris song from the early 90's? Used to be one of my favorites. She sang from her heart, on top of a cool pop sound from those days, "Give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your name!" Here it is on YouTube: http://youtu.be/wqfYRqBgGP0

This past week, I was reading Ezekiel in the One Year Bible and came to this verse: (11:19) "I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them. I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh."

The verse Twila sang from was Psalm 86:11 - "Teach me Your way, Lord, that I may rely on Your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your name."

Using Strong's concordance online and a host of other websites and resources, I proceeded to piece both of these verses apart word by word, finding and defining the original Hebrew words for each English phrase. And I learned a LOT. I really did; I could write messages and blog entries for weeks going in a plethora of directions. (God's word is so rich with meaning!)

But. Through great effort, I am centering my focus for this blog entry on the two Hebrew words translated into "undivided" in the New International Version of the Bible.

The Old Testament was written in Hebrew; the New Testament was written in Greek. And, today, I would like to introduce you to Echad and Yachid.

The word "echad" was used in Ezekiel when God said He would give His people an UNDIVIDED heart. When the Psalmist prayed for an UNDIVIDED heart, he used the word "yachid." Different, but the same; the same, but different.

"Echad" in Ezekiel indicated God would give His people a heart undivided; not separated or broken into parts. The hearts of many joined into one united force. Singular and all together. Deuteronomy 6:4 uses "echad" when it says, "Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God is ONE."

"Yachid" is more numeric; it means ONE, like counting. It means "unique" and "solitary." Genesis uses "yachid" in referencing Abraham's only son Isaac.

So how does all that apply to us today? Both scripture passages are true. Though they have nuances of differentiation, they can work hand in hand.

God wants His people to have ONE heart, to stand undivided as God's face to the world. We, as God's children, live these days in a fractured, divided family. God's desire is for us to be united as one; as HE is one. "Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God is ONE."

I believe God wants us to forget about the issues we disagree on and unite over where we DO agree. God is LOVE. God is accepting and forgiving. God wants to heal individuals and heal nations. God is a great big, huge, loving God and nothing is impossible with Him!

Let's look away from the hairline fractures that can so greatly divide us... and focus on the huge, solid, sturdy masses of truth that unite us.

Secondly, God wants to put in each of us an UNDIVIDED heart so we will honor Him with our whole lives; our whole selves.

(HEART, by the way, has the same root meaning in both verses. It means "inner person, mind, and will.")

I want to be solid inside myself. Don't you? An undivided heart, to me, connotes peace, stability and tranquility.

So.

When God's children, each strong inside with an undivided heart...

come together as one group, with a united, undivided, collective heart...

that is something powerful!!

 

Look out, World. Love in FORCE is here and you are going to change. Things like hurt and hatred are tiny and weak in the face of God's great, huge, all-encompassing, undivided, loving heart.

And that is my prayer for us today.

WOW!!!😄 

Good things are on the way. Amen.

Learning This Evening

Hebrews 5 says Jesus learned obedience from what He suffered. Suffering, alone, is not good, but God can bring beneficial results from suffering.

God put in my heart that I have gained wisdom through things I have suffered. 

We do not gain wisdom WHILE we are suffering; when things are going on, it's the best we can do to process what we are experiencing and push forward as best as we can.

Wisdom comes later, when there is time and space between us and the suffering. We remember. And, as we remember, we can learn. God has a lot to teach us from our experiences if we ask and listen.

Like they say, hindsight is 20/20 😊

Hebrews 5 also talks about being able to consume God's word as milk or as solid food. Milk is the easy stuff; learning God loves you, learning He will never leave you, learning He will provide everything you need.

Solid food involves taking it up a notch. Moving from the 100 to the 200 level classes. Learning discipline; learning to distinguish good from evil. Building and continually strengthening your relationship with God. Asking God to refine you, and surrendering your whole life to His scrutiny so He can tell you what pleases Him and what needs to be changed or needs to go. Solid food is challenging- sometimes not comfortable- and requires a higher level of commitment.

God loves you the same whether you like your milk or desire solid food.

But solid food makes a person stronger than simply sipping milk.

Hebrews 5:14- "But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil."

I am chewing on this verse and seeking further clarity on the matter of HOW we distinguish what is good and what is evil.ii

More to come! Time to get ready for bed and an early morning. But it will be a FRIDAY morning! So I think I will manage just fine. 😜😄😎i

Because You Trust Me

This morning, and for the past couple of days, I have been reading about the Prophet Jeremiah. Jeremiah was given the task of prophesying to the people of Jerusalem that their city would be handed over to the Babylonians and completely destroyed.

Over a period of time Jeremiah suffered a lot for speaking the word of God. He was falsely accused of being a traitor to the Babylonians and, subsequently, thrown into a vaulted cell in a dungeon. He stayed there for a long time, til King Zedekiah had him taken out. The king allowed Jeremiah to stay in a courtyard and be given bread as long as there was bread in the city.

Soon after that, three men heard what Jeremiah was saying about the soon-to-come destiny of Jerusalem and got really mad. So they went to King Zedekiah and complained, and were given permission to do with Jeremiah whatever they wanted. So they dropped him down into a well that had no water where he sunk into the mud at the bottom and was left to die.

A man named Ebed-Melech learned what had been done to Jeremiah and actually went to the King Zedekiah and spoke up for the prophet. The king told him to go ahead, take some rope and 30 men and for heaven's sake go get Jeremiah out of that well before he starved to death.

So, once again, Jeremiah was rescued.

When the time came for God's word to be fulfilled, city of Jerusalem was truly captured by the Babylonians and burned to the ground. Jeremiah was taken away along with all the other citizens of Jerusalem.

Nebuchadnezzar King of Babylon, however, had heard of Jeremiah. Nebuchadnezzar told his people to take Jeremiah out of the general population of Jews that had been captured and to let no harm come to him. So, once again, Jeremiah was rescued, allowed to stay in a courtyard, and was given provisions.

While Jeremiah was in that courtyard, the word of the Lord came to him for Ebed-Melech, the man who had spoken up for Jeremiah and had him rescued from the well.

The end of Jeremiah chapter 39 reads: "While Jeremiah had been confined in the courtyard of the Guard, the word of the Lord came to him: "Go and tell Ebed-Melech the Cushite, 'This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says: I am about to fulfill my words against this city through disaster, not prosperity. They will be fulfilled before your eyes. I will rescue you on that day, declares the Lord; you will not be handed over to those you fear. I will save you; you will not fall by the sword but will escape with your life, because you trust in me, declares the Lord.'"

The first thought that came to my mind when I read this was that God did not tell Ebed-Melech what to do, where to go, or by what means he was going to be rescued. God simply said, "I will rescue you because I know you trust Me." So, to be rescued, Ebed-Melech just had to keep doing what he was doing.

Now, if this had been me God was speaking to, I would have started stressing about what I needed to do or where I needed to be or what I needed to make sure to not do, etcetera, etcetera, for God to rescue me and save my life. But the POINT of all this is just that; trusting God.

There's nothing we can do to make a rescue happen or to make salvation happen. God says it, it's going to happen; we just have to trust.

Trust can be scary. Faith in the unseen can feel frightening simply because what we are trusting is something we cannot see. The New Testament says faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. That almost sounds redundant, doesn't it? But it's the truth. That's a good reason to read the Bible a lot and get it down in our hearts. The Bible shows us God's track record.

Over and over, consistently, God has kept every single one of His promises. If we need further encouragement or assurance, we can simply talk to other Christians who can give us further examples of when God has kept promises to them. God keeps His promises.

God keeps His promises.

God speaks to us today the same promise He said to Ebed-Melech hundreds of years ago: I will rescue you because you trust in me.

GOD KEEPS HIS PROMISES.

God will rescue us from anything life throws at us. Because we trust Him. Please be encouraged today and know that God's love for you is huge and enormous and unsurpassed. He will. He will. He will continue to be the faithful God he has been since the beginning of time; He will continue to keep His word, to you, to me, to everyone.

God's faithfulness has nothing to do with our actions but everything to do with WHO GOD IS. Go today and know that God  is with you always, every moment. God will never let you down, and he will never let you go.

Amen.

Listen

I'm out on a walk with Luna. Well actually I'm sitting right now, Luna and I found some friendly steps in front of a small Baptist Church near our new home.

Walking today because I was frustrated. Well, you know, because I was angry, and because I needed to get it out. It's funny; I felt the same way yesterday and got it out at Crossfit but I felt the same way again today. Edgy. Little things aggravate me more than they should. I"m sure, psychologically speaking, it has to do with the flood, with losing so much, losing my HOME, with moving and with all the lingering entanglement and frustrations therein. But this is where I am, and this was me today.

So Luna and I went for a walk and here we are.

 A little while ago, we walked around the corner of Calandro's Market and, all of a sudden, I was gently pushed by a strong, cool wind. And I felt God. 

I felt God saying, "Lsten." I felt God saying, "I am with you. Even when so many things don't make sense, so much seems unfair and the details just don't seem to line up, I am with you."

I feel God impressing me- well, not "impressing"- that's Christianese; church-speak;  and I don't want to be pretentious that way.

So, let's say, I felt in my heart that God's spirit was shining a light inside of me that told me:

 TODAY IS NOT THE END.

There are dreams in my life I have never come near reaching. There are wishes I have longed for that I have never seen. But today is not the end. 

Where I live now is not the last place I will live. What I'm wearing now, I probably won't even have a number of years from now because it will wear out. The truck I am driving will not last forever. Today is not the end.

Today is not the last day; there are many, many more days to come. And I felt God shining a light inside of me that whispered, "If you get too muddled down in the things that frustrate you today, you will not be able to see tomorrow up ahead." 

We can't see around corners but, if I get too bogged down in being frustrated and pissed off, I won't even be able to see that there is a corner coming a little farther down the road. 

I want to learn that the definition of hope is "not knowing." Not knowing, and trusting that it might be something wonderful or, if it's something tough, God will bring me through it and I will be stronger as a result. 

Well, it just started raining. Like literally it's raining. But Luna and I are up on the steps of this church. It's just a light rain now and it's windy but it strikes me that I found shelter outside the doors of God's house when the rain started to fall. 

So sweet. 

Lord, help me to hear you. Help me to listen. Help me to hush the grumbling and complaining I sometimes find myself filled with; help me to, instead, be still and listen to Your still, small voice. To be still, and know that you are God. 

You are bigger than my understanding, bigger than my doubt, you are greater than my disbelief. My life and my thoughts are such a tiny, minuscule orb in this endless, massive, vast, expansive universe. 

You understood my thoughts before I thought them. You know so much more than I do. I mean, seriously, you know SO MUCH MORE than I do. I am little, tiny me and You are great big God.

It strikes me that, even though You are always with us, we must still come to You. Help me to come to You, Lord-  and sit, and wait. And listen. Help me to absorb the essence that is Your love, the warmth that is Your truth. God I give my life to You all over again. Please, please take it from me because You can take so much better care of my life than I can on my own. 

I am Yours. And so I listen.

Help

This is a blog I started a few weeks ago and hadn't gotten back to. I was in a very hard place. I decided to go ahead and post it because it turned out to have a good ending. Most of it is me, venting. But please read all the way through, because the best part is at the end.  😊💕
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Okay this is my story. I haven't said anything since the flood because I told the story to so many people I didn't feel like telling it again. And I'm not going to tell it again, I'm just going to tell you where I am right now in my life.

I am tired. I lost my house, I lost my furniture, I lost my belongings, I lost my keepsakes. I lost quilts that my grandmother made for me by hand. I lost journals, memories, I lost photo albums- all kind of stuff.

I lost a lot, and I lost my home because it was a rental house and the guy that owns it had eight other rental houses that flooded just as badly that he had to repair so he gave us our deposit and told us to find somewhere else to live.

My brother invited me and Lena to stay with him and I am grateful for that but it's not my home; it's not a place I say, "I'm home- it this is my home, this is where I live, this is my house and these are my things. This is where my pets live, these are where my pets eat- you know, stuff like that- and I'm frustrated.

Because there's nowhere to rent or at least nowhere to rent that is what we need. We need a place that accepts pets because we have pets. End of story; we have pets- that's all there is to that, you know what I'm saying? We need a place with no carpet because cats and a dog shed a lot of fur and carpet is a miserable commodity when you have pets shedding all over it constantly.

And we need somewhere we can afford. Rent is so ridiculously expensive. I've even thought about buying a house because a mortgage note is less than rent which is crazy and stupid but whatever- I can't even buy a house because I don't have the money to make a downpayment on a house.

(It's ridiculous! you have to put down like $10,000 down payment to buy a house and then you have to pay closing costs which are about $5,000 and that's stupid; why not just finance it all and let me buy a house??)

I found one option it's called a Rural Redevelopment loan and it in most cases doesn't require a downpayment but you do have to pay closing costs unless you can finagle your way out of them. However, I'm trying to apply for this stupid retarded loan and they want tax returns which I was able to get and they want W2 for 2014 and 2015 and I don't have those because they melted too much in the flood water. I mean I guess I could come up with them somehow but seriously. Seriously. And that whole process will take so long.

I'm just as willing to rent but I want a home and I want to quit being told no. I'm so tired of being told no; no we can't take your pets- no because you had a bankruptcy over 13 years ago but because you had that one bad moment in your life no, we will not rent to you. I'm so frustrated and so angry and sad.

I've been driving home from work crying today and I don't cry very often. I have cried twice since this flood happened and all the other stuff resulted. I'm just sick I'm frustrated and angry I just want a place to live but there's nowhere really that I've been able to find yet.

----------------------------------

So I was driving around, looking for For Rent signs and speaking this into my phone. My phone stopped recording after awhile- I said a lot more. I just needed to get a lot off my chest.

Then Lena called and said we got the house we'd applied for the day before. I felt like a weathered, hollow log. Tired, spent... but grateful.

We don't have to be afraid of being honest with God. He knows our thoughts anyway, and He won't deny answers to our prayers because we're not being fake happy.

God is good. We paid our deposit that night and started moving in the next day.

ONE MORE PROOF THAT GOD DOES NOT REJECT THE LGBT. If we cherished in our hearts a lifestyle that disgusted Him, He would not answer our prayers. Selah.

Psalm 66-
16 Come and hear, all you who fear God;

let me tell you what he has done for me.

17 I cried out to him with my mouth;

his praise was on my tongue.

18 If I had cherished sin in my heart,

the Lord would not have listened;

19 but God has surely listened

and has heard my prayer.

20 Praise be to God,

who has not rejected my prayer

or withheld his love from me!

To Stay

I have learned to stay. Stay at a job whether you like it or find it boring or outright hate it. Stay in a relationship through the good and the bad. Stay, stay, stay. Like a good dog.

Because staying at a job looks good on your resume. Staying at a job that sucks the life out of you builds character. You build friendships. Or, hello-ships. Your pay rate usually rises over time. And the benefits are good. So you stay.

Staying in a relationship shows you to be faithful. You stay because, in the good and bad times, staying is the right thing to do. I have stayed even when things became abusive and miserable. Because I am a good dog.

Stay, stay, stay.

Then your rented house is destroyed by all-of-the-sudden floodwaters and you have no place to stay.

And your brother takes you in but you feel uncomfortable because it's not your home. But you stay because there is literally no freaking where else to go.

Because 90% of the city flooded, demand is high, and there are few places available.

So you stay because you're stuck.

And your partner whom you do truly love is driving you FUCKING BAT SHIT CRAZY because there's something fucking wrong with every potential home you find.

"Baby, our choices are very limited right now." (you say for the million-teenth time) "We might have to make some sacrifices."

But nothing is good enough. 

You think of moving to another city, or out of state. But your family is here... your 90 year-old grandmother whom you treasure to the depths of your soul is here... so you stay.

I am at my wit's end. I am so frustrated and miserable and angry. It's all churning inside me and I don't know what to do with it. My fight-or-flight reflex says, "RUN!!!" 

I want so desperately to get in my truck and just GO til I feel like stopping.

But that would mean leaving, and that would be wrong. And selfish, or whatever.
I want to rent a freaking apartment and live there! But she says no, it has to be this and this and this, and it can't be that. So I feel beat down,  and trapped. And increasingly resentful.

I wish we could make a decision and move forward together as US, but it's soooooo complicated and difficult!

And I'm mourning over the loss of my home and 90% of my belongings and journals and books and projects and artwork.

I can't do this. It's too hard. I am so broken.

Step into these moments with Jesus, Himself...

Matthew 26

Jesus had just shared many truths with and given instructions to his disciples.  Everyone is tuned in.  The presence of God in a physical body is THERE with them.  And Jesus drops a bomb...

"As you know, the Passover celebration begins in two days, and I, the Son of Man, will be betrayed and crucified."

I, your leader, teacher and friend, with whom you have grown so close, in just a few days will be taken away from you and killed in the most horrible way you can imagine...

Matthew goes on to say:

At the same time, the leading priests and other leaders were meeting at the residence of Caiaphas, the high priest, to discuss how to capture Jesus secretly-

We want to get this done, but we have to keep it quiet so not too many people notice...

-and put Him to death.  "But not during Passover," they agreed, "or there will be a riot."

We just want to take care of this guy who is causing people to rebel against what we want.  But a riot, that would be messy, it would be a media circus, news helicopters everywhere, there might be shootings, it I would be messy and we might be found out; we might be blamed...

Matthew continues:

Meanwhile, Jesus was in Bethany at the home of Simon, a man who had leprosy.

Jesus, out of the love and kindness that was innately HIM, was once more breaking society's rules, and HAVING DINNER WITH A FREAKING LEPER... Someone few others would even give the time of day, but maybe Jesus knew this man needed some kindness, some company from a gentle friend that evening.

(And in walks the piece de resistance...)

Matthew continues:

During supper, a woman came in with a beautiful jar of expensive perfume and poured it over His head.

I know I am supposed to do this... This is the nicest thing I can offer this man, I don't even care what other people might think... This is meant to be, He has such a beautiful soul, this beautiful fragrance is appropriate... So here goes...

Back to Matthew:

The disciples were indignant when they saw this.  "What a waste of money," they said.  "She could have sold it for a fortune and given the money to the poor."

Get out of your tiny boxes, guys... Open your eyes and see the big picture of what is going on here...

Matthew tells us that Jesus replied,

"Why berate her for doing nothing such a good thing to me?"

Why you gotta hate?  This gift, from her very heart, is more precious to Me than you could ever understand.  Don't you dare say one more critical word about this beautiful, open-hearted, loving and kind woman...

Jesus continues:

"You will always have the poor among you, but I WILL NOT BE HERE WITH YOU MUCH LONGER.  She has poured this perfume on Me to prepare My body for burial."

Because, when the time comes for my burial, all of you will have run away and hidden.

(My insert here... Sometimes it takes a woman to do the things considered "strong" and "bold" and ""manly""... Just sayin'.)

Jesus:

"I assure you, wherever the Good News is preached THROUGHOUT THE WORLD, this woman's deed will be talked about in her memory."

So, let's look at what has happened here and see what we can learn.

1.  Sometimes you feel the Spirit calling you into places other people would strongly advise you not to go.

GO ANYWAY.

2.  Sometimes you feel the Spirit whispering to you that you ought to do something other people might criticize, or consider improper, or use as a basis for speaking hatefully about you, or for calling you crazy.

DO IT ANYWAY.

3.  Jesus knows the true reasons for whatever you do.  And, if your motives are pure, He will be delighted with you.

Romans 12:1 - "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship."

Ephesians 5:2 - "Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God."

Hebrews 13:15 - "Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrificeof praise—the fruit of lips that openly profess his name."

Be blessed as you live today doing your best to love the Lord with all your heart, mind soul and strength!  Even in the midst of the massive cruelties and wrongdoing going on in lately, both in our home cities and around the world.

God will never leave us nor forsake us.

Amen.

Quite a Fine Friday

I had a really great day today!  I did a LOT but, having done all that, I feel great afterward.

At work, I had to clean the grody floor of the room they're going to convert into a new office for me.  (Remember saying "grody"?  Like in the 80s? Haha

Here is what part of the floor looked like before I got started:

And here is what it looked like after I finished:

Some lines remain- they are rust; this part of this room used to be filled with metal shelves.  Like for centuries.  But with bleach, water, a mop and a LOTTTT of elbow grease, I got the deed done.  Plus a high-powered hose and a drying fan (seen in the 2nd picture).  I like completing jobs where I can SEE what I've done.  That feels good.

I sweated BUCKETS.  Seriously.  I drank tons of water and it came right out my skin.. Haha.

THEN, after I finished that, I got the crazy idea that I wanted to go to CrossFit.  Crazy?  

Maybe.  Haha

Maybe I was just in the "flow" of being active.  Riiight.  But, whatever, I went and did MORE activity.  Warm-up (which is a workout of its own rite) then 2 other workouts.  The first workout, we did something called a Hollow Hold which is laying on your back, back flat to the ground, and lifting your straight legs and arms, shoulders off the mat, hold for 30 seconds.  Then double unders... Which is, jump roping, but bringing the rope around, under your feet, TWICE, during one jump.  That is CRAZY and I did SINGLE-unders.  Set of 30.  Then 10 Kettle Bell Swings.  Which, for me, were more about getting my form right than about strength.  I used a wimpy kettle bell... Literally, it was PINK.  But anyway.

So those 3 things, the whole set, over and over for 12 minutes.

THEN (yes, there was more) we did twelve lunges - everyone else held a barbell at their shoulders, I just used my body weight.  I could not have handled more.  Haha.  Then 24 Toes to Bar... Hang from a chin-up bar, raise your feet up and touch the bar.  And, again, because I cannot DO that... YET... I just lifted my knees as high as I could.  Ta-dah.  Don't be a hater; I'll get there.  Anyway, three sets of those two things.

So I'm only on my 2nd workout.  I have miles and miles of room to grow.  I choose to think of it that way; just unlimited potential.  Hahaha

And THEN I came home, finished mowing the back yard, watered the garden and all the flowers, and gave Luna a bath.

BAM.  I am DONE.  And my weekend is free so I can either do whatever I want, or be as lazy as I want.

Gotta love that.  Hehe

My head is killing me.  For the second night in a row.  Gotta figure out why this is happening.  Might be sinuses, having to do with allergies.  All I know is, it hurts.

I love my Lena and our fur family.  Gonna be a great weekend.  Have a good one, yourselves!

Flames and Conspiracy

I used that title to make people curious to read what was in this blog post.  The word "conspiracy" makes me think of juicy news or of finding out a big, eye-popping secret plan!  In the lessons I've been listening to in my self-initiated YouTube Seminary Study, I heard today about one of the Common Era's earliest big CONSPIRACY THEORIES.

In the year 64 A.D., the great city of Rome burned.  The fire started at night in a merchant area (think New Orleans' French Market).  Flames were then spread by  I think maybe a million people lived there at that time, and this huge fire destroyed or severely damaged at least half the city.

(Side note:  Contrary to folklore, Nero did not "fiddle while Rome burned" - he was, in fact, gone to his palace at Antium when the fire took place.)

After the fire, Rome was rebuilt - more flashy, fancy and fabulous than ever before.  Nero's palace, which had burned in with much of the city, was rebuilt.  The ashes of what had once been a city people called home became part of the foundation of a greater city... and a greater palace.

And so it was that rumors began to spread that Nero had ordered the burning of Rome.  The destruction of what was less desirable for the construction of something better.

Hearing this story made me think of New Orleans residents claiming the government broke the barrier holding back the floodwaters of Hurricane Katrina, to get rid of the Ninth Ward; the poorer, less "desirable" section of the Big Easy.  But no one can prove a thing.  From Nero to New Orleans, it's all just whisperings and words.

The burning of Rome loosed the rumors from conspiracy theorists of the first century A.D.

People look for somewhere to place blame when bad things happen.  Even when there is no way to truly determine the cause of those bad things.

While New Orleans has, for the most part, gotten back on its feet, the non-democratic civilization back in 64 A.D. suffered greatly after blaming Nero.  Nero found a scapegoat.  Nero blamed the new guys, so to speak... the Christians.  He had masses of believers tortured and killed, crucified and burned alive.

In the 1960's in the U.S., the big thing was not wanting to work for "The Man."  Maybe Nero was "The Man" of the first 60's in the Year of our Lord.  "The Man" wielded a heavy fist.  He used it.

Funny how history repeats itself in different forms.  Learning about Rome today was very interesting; just wanted to share my thoughts.

Later, friends!

Friday Night Lights... And sleepwalking??

Wow.  Last night, I went to bed at 11.  Got up at 5-ish this morning, worked 6:30-4.  And now it's past 11:30 at night and I'm still kickin.  Okay, not kickin; I'm laying in bed trying to stay awake.  Next to my sleeping most beautiful woman in the world.  Luna on the floor, her choice, I bought her a very decent bed.  Hippie laying against the side of my calf, Leroy hangin tight at the bottom corner of the bed.  I believe this is my favorite night of the week.  Stay up as late as I want then sleep as late as I want tomorrow.  Yessss.  :)

Jimmy Fallon is doing a great job with the Tonight Show.  Tonight I actually get to stay up and watch him and, if I can stay up, I will watch the guy after him.  Seth Myers.  Right now, the guy from The Voice is singing... Just heard his name but it now escapes me.... Oh yeah Blake Shelton.  Seems like a song about his new Gwen.  They seem really happy together.  I hope it works out for them and lasts.  Truly.

So I've been listening to these lessons on making your dreams happen.  I'll tell you, my dream is to not have to worry about money so I can spend my time doing things that matter to me, maybe for small pay or maybe just as a volunteer, freedom to live life pouring into others with needs, both people and animals..

So I thought, get a bunch of rental houses,, live off of that.  Take great care of my properties and my. Tenants,,  spend the rest of my time LIVING LIFE.   Now. It boils. Down.to money.    Which boils down to careful saving,, lots of prayer, and. Creative. Ideas on how to. Get that money more. Quickly than just with. The job I. Have now.

**No idea why. This keyboard keeps throwing out. Periods. And capital letters but I donT feel like. Correcting. All that.   You'll get it. Through context.  Anyway..

Just wanted to touch. Base.   I'm sleepy. As arag doll and. About o fffff

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Okay, now it's the next morning.  7:42 a.m.  I woke up in the other room.  On the sofa in the room I call my "office."  Thing is, I don't remember going there. And no, I wasn't drunk.  I remember setting this tablet down.  I don't remember turning off the tv or remember the last thing I saw on tv.  I don't remember going to the other room or why I went there.  When Lena wakes up, I'll have to ask her if I did anything weird because I have no idea.  Pretty freaky.  This is the first time I have woken up in a place with no recollection of how I ended up there.  Freaky........

Geaux CrossFit

This afternoon I will have my first experience with CrossFit.  It is supposed to be very intense and extremely hard.  I think that's what I need right now.  Take all my frustrations and pour them into lifting barbells and slinging huge ropes and tossing tires and throwing heavy balls up in the air.  Eventually I will do chin-ups and pull-ups and whatever else they throw at me.

I'm nervous.  Truth is, I feel depressed inside.  I worry I'll commit to this and lack the motivation to see it through.  Continually I remind myself that exercise is a great way to combat depression.  Just have to KEEP reminding myself, ha...

If I don't start, I will never make any progress and nothing will change.  Out of the rut we climb!!

My goals are as follows:

1)  Commit to this program for 6 month, working out at least 3x/week.
2)  Lose 30 pounds
3)  Build visible muscles in my arms
4)  Have a strong, muscular abdomen
5)  Work until I can do chinups/pullups

So there, I have laid it all out.  They say to write down your goals, that doing so is a step toward achieving them.

I hope to be part of a friendly group, to relax enough to be social and not wall myself in from people like I do sometimes, and to look forward to workouts partially because of the great people I'll be working out with.

My EKG and stress test showed everything with my heart is normal, so I'm going to go with that and stop living afraid of moving around too much.

Two and a half hours left til I head that direction.

Nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.  Heh!

(The future me!  Haha:)

Just Today

Just today

Nothing feels right, looks right, fits right or seems right

I woke up anxious, took my meds which abated it for a little while but the anxiety has returned in all its full ferocity

I hate how, when someone has judged me over and over, I fall into the habit of considering his reaction while I am writing or making anything I write or make.  That makes me angry.  Yet I don't react, or he will judge my anger.  Do I just invite abuse?  So many of my friendships have fallen into the rut of this same course pattern

Gerri used to ask me, "Nicole, are you trapped in your head?"  Yes, Gerri, today I am.

I am sitting in one of my favorite Starbuckses with the love of my life directly across from me.  She is patiently looking through the Sunday sales papers while I pound out my thoughts on this tiny keyboard.  Not counting God, she is the best component of my life.  Of all the pressure I feel in life, barely any of it ever comes from her.  She does not judge, is not selfish, and is wise.  I am learning how worthwhile it is to slow my roll, pay attention to what she says, and learn from her.  I love her with all the love I have to give a person.  She is nothing but loving in return.  I could never replace her and I pray she never goes from my life.

I miss Sarah MacLaughlan's music.  I miss my acoustic Alanis Morisette album.  I would say I miss Dallas but not really... I liked living there, but so much crap laced my days there... I'm grateful for my nephew Abel Rivers; I came back here when he was on the way.

I don't know what comes next in my life.  I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing right now, other than what I am actually, currently doing.  I guess if and when the time ever comes to make a big change of some sort, I will get the hint.  God is very good at and very patient with dropping hints until I "get" it.  I think right now in my life is where I am learning to stay put for awhile.  Been staying put, so to speak, for about 5 or so years now and I am learning the benefits.  I feel fidgety every now and then still, but I am hanging in there.

I feel like God has been saying to me, lately, that my life was not intended to be simple.  I guess He knew I would find simplicity too boring.  I am a patchwork quilt.  I am the rainbow sheep in the family.  According to some, God cannot love me because I am "dirty"... But I know He loves me, forever and ferociously.  I think maybe I am to show people who have been deemed unlovable or unacceptable for whatever reason that he loves them the exact same way... FOREVER and FEROCIOUSLY!  I am a leader who also needs a leader.

My physical heart has been scaring me lately.  Doing gurgly, weird things, sometimes when I'm active and even sometimes when I'm at rest.  Freaky scary.  But I did go to a doctor, got an x-ray and bloodwork, and have more exams scheduled later this month.

I have to be okay.  I have to.  I'm not finished here yet.  Not by a long shot.

Circling to the beginning of this blog entry, THAT is the root of much of my current anxiety.

I am so sick of other people's negative opinions, I could scream.  Guess what, folks - I don't do things your way.  I do things MY way.  And I am trying to stop hearing you.

See, I get angry.  The healthiest way I have found to deal with that is to express it.  So here it is, fresh and unedited. Now go away and leave me alone.

Until I have something else I feel like writing about.   :)

"Be still and know that I am God," I hear the Holy Spirit whispering to me right now.  Very good advice for me right at this very moment.

Thank You, Lord, for accepting me just as I am and loving me the same, regardless of whatever my "right now" state looks like.

The Homeless One-Stop Shop

Since my previous post about homeless people and my wish to feed them, I have been continuously learning.  Twice, I have had opportunities to share bottled water with small groups of homeless people, and both of those encounters were mutually friendly and copacetic.

I have also been gradually gaining understanding of, basically, my need to LEARN before I start.  Even if you are hired to a job, you still often need a little training before you are able to perform that job independently.  Even if you feel lit up, on fire and called to preach, you still need training and, often, ordination before you can serve as a pastor.  And, even with my great desire to reach out to homeless people, I am understanding more and more that I need to, first, learn how.  I need to work under someone who has experience doing what I want to do, and learn from them.  And God is setting me up in a variety of ways to do just that.

So!  I have news to share, in the area of my ingress into the homeless population here in Baton Rouge.  Good things have been happening for awhile about which I had never known and, additionally, more good things are about to start!  While being homeless is definitely a scary, vulnerable, terrible way for a human to have to live, I have learned there are many resources available to homeless people here in the Red Stick City with the end goal, of course, being the re-homing of these people.

Last Saturday, I went to a meeting of the Capital Area Alliance for the Homeless (CAAH). (You can access their website by clicking HERE)  New grant money is being awarded to this agency and several agencies across the area which work to combat homelessness.  I even saw a report about it on the news last night, and you can see that story by clicking HERE.  (This story focuses on a center for homeless youth in the Baton Rouge area, but monies from the same grant are going to this agency, CAAH and others.)

Here's how CAAH works:  Mondays through Fridays, from  early morning to around 3:30 p.m., they host a daytime center for the homeless to come inside, take a shower, wash a load of laundry, get some food, rest, relax and watch some tv if they want.  There is a computer room and the homeless can learn how to set up an email account, how to use different, common programs such as Microsoft Word, etc... and get help learning to write resumes.

Homeless people register with CAAH and are given and ID card with which they check in each day.  They are treated as welcome guests in a "home" of sorts, and meld into a sort of family; CAAH members/participants begin coming each day to visit friends, play games, and to be treated as humans deserving basic respect.  They can even use the CAAH address as their mailing address.  Having a mailing address is necessary to receive government support checks, to find a job, and to correspond with family members, etc.

That is why the leaders of CAAH call it a "one-stop shop" for the homeless; they can come to one place and access a myriad of resources.

They even have an ART ROOM!!!!  (Nicole's favorite part of the whole facility, can you tell?  haha) Many pieces of art work produced by the homeless are displayed on the walls and are priced to sell, with the complete proceeds going to the artists themselves.  I will post pics I took of art there at the end of this blog.  If anything interests you, I'm sure you could contact the center and arrange to purchase a painting (or several) to support these talented artists.

Upstairs are about 15 permanent housing apartments.  Residents must obey the rules, and they have a place to live for as long as they like.  For the rest of their lives, if that's what they need.  They pay a very low rent and gain a place to call HOME.

There is also a doctor who volunteers time each week and legitimate medical exam rooms like you'd see at your own doctor's office.  From time to time, they are also able to have a dentist come in.  Dental treatment is desperately needed by the homeless.  In the past, an ophthalmologist provided services at CAAH but, currently, that service is not available.

Randy Nichols, director of CAAH, made a remark that stuck with me:  "Nothing lasts forever."  He said that in regard to losing the opthalmologist.  Remember what I noted before, as said by Rev. Terri Steed Pierce?  "Do what you can, with what you have."  They didn't say, "Ohhh... we lost our opthalmologist; now we'll have to shut down...."  No, they took that in stride and continued to provide the plethora of other services they were able to offer to the homeless.

Those two statements are rooting deeper and deeper down into my consciousness and changing the way I think; changing my ideas of success vs. failure and helping me to stay hopeful even when things change.

Getting back to this new grant money, the CAAH... they are now planning to open their doors on Saturdays, and have volunteer slots available on those days for people whose schedules are full Mondays through Fridays.  I am looking forward to volunteering a few Saturdays a month in the center, as well as participating in feeding outreaches beyond the walls of the center.

At the Saturday meeting I attended were groups from several Baton Rouge churches with the same passion I have; to feed and care for the homeless.  In particular, I met and exchanged contact information with a very kind lady named Ms. Deloris.  She has promised to contact me when her group schedules outreaches of this nature.  God is so good.

As is often true in my life, the idea about which I had originally been bursting at the seams has been tamped down somewhat, but it's good.  Instead of running off all crazy and unprepared, I am learning that, in my case at least, I need to slow my roll and LEARN.  I do acknowledge that everyone has a different calling and a different way of living out that calling.  However, the WHOA-NELLY-DON'T-RUN-OFF-JUST-YET schema is what applies to me in this situation.  

I'm not sure EXACTLY how I will spend my time at the CAAH, but I am sure that I want to remain open to giving my best effort at whatever they need.  I am excited and grateful for this opportunity.

  

As I promised, here are a few photos of some of the artwork for sale at CAAH.  There are many more!