Just today
Nothing feels right, looks right, fits right or seems right
I woke up anxious, took my meds which abated it for a little while but the anxiety has returned in all its full ferocity
I hate how, when someone has judged me over and over, I fall into the habit of considering his reaction while I am writing or making anything I write or make. That makes me angry. Yet I don't react, or he will judge my anger. Do I just invite abuse? So many of my friendships have fallen into the rut of this same course pattern
Gerri used to ask me, "Nicole, are you trapped in your head?" Yes, Gerri, today I am.
I am sitting in one of my favorite Starbuckses with the love of my life directly across from me. She is patiently looking through the Sunday sales papers while I pound out my thoughts on this tiny keyboard. Not counting God, she is the best component of my life. Of all the pressure I feel in life, barely any of it ever comes from her. She does not judge, is not selfish, and is wise. I am learning how worthwhile it is to slow my roll, pay attention to what she says, and learn from her. I love her with all the love I have to give a person. She is nothing but loving in return. I could never replace her and I pray she never goes from my life.
I miss Sarah MacLaughlan's music. I miss my acoustic Alanis Morisette album. I would say I miss Dallas but not really... I liked living there, but so much crap laced my days there... I'm grateful for my nephew Abel Rivers; I came back here when he was on the way.
I don't know what comes next in my life. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing right now, other than what I am actually, currently doing. I guess if and when the time ever comes to make a big change of some sort, I will get the hint. God is very good at and very patient with dropping hints until I "get" it. I think right now in my life is where I am learning to stay put for awhile. Been staying put, so to speak, for about 5 or so years now and I am learning the benefits. I feel fidgety every now and then still, but I am hanging in there.
I feel like God has been saying to me, lately, that my life was not intended to be simple. I guess He knew I would find simplicity too boring. I am a patchwork quilt. I am the rainbow sheep in the family. According to some, God cannot love me because I am "dirty"... But I know He loves me, forever and ferociously. I think maybe I am to show people who have been deemed unlovable or unacceptable for whatever reason that he loves them the exact same way... FOREVER and FEROCIOUSLY! I am a leader who also needs a leader.
My physical heart has been scaring me lately. Doing gurgly, weird things, sometimes when I'm active and even sometimes when I'm at rest. Freaky scary. But I did go to a doctor, got an x-ray and bloodwork, and have more exams scheduled later this month.
I have to be okay. I have to. I'm not finished here yet. Not by a long shot.
Circling to the beginning of this blog entry, THAT is the root of much of my current anxiety.
I am so sick of other people's negative opinions, I could scream. Guess what, folks - I don't do things your way. I do things MY way. And I am trying to stop hearing you.
See, I get angry. The healthiest way I have found to deal with that is to express it. So here it is, fresh and unedited. Now go away and leave me alone.
Until I have something else I feel like writing about. :)
"Be still and know that I am God," I hear the Holy Spirit whispering to me right now. Very good advice for me right at this very moment.
Thank You, Lord, for accepting me just as I am and loving me the same, regardless of whatever my "right now" state looks like.
