I'm out on a walk with Luna. Well actually I'm sitting right now, Luna and I found some friendly steps in front of a small Baptist Church near our new home.
Walking today because I was frustrated. Well, you know, because I was angry, and because I needed to get it out. It's funny; I felt the same way yesterday and got it out at Crossfit but I felt the same way again today. Edgy. Little things aggravate me more than they should. I"m sure, psychologically speaking, it has to do with the flood, with losing so much, losing my HOME, with moving and with all the lingering entanglement and frustrations therein. But this is where I am, and this was me today.
So Luna and I went for a walk and here we are.
A little while ago, we walked around the corner of Calandro's Market and, all of a sudden, I was gently pushed by a strong, cool wind. And I felt God.
I felt God saying, "Lsten." I felt God saying, "I am with you. Even when so many things don't make sense, so much seems unfair and the details just don't seem to line up, I am with you."
I feel God impressing me- well, not "impressing"- that's Christianese; church-speak; and I don't want to be pretentious that way.
So, let's say, I felt in my heart that God's spirit was shining a light inside of me that told me:
TODAY IS NOT THE END.
There are dreams in my life I have never come near reaching. There are wishes I have longed for that I have never seen. But today is not the end.
Where I live now is not the last place I will live. What I'm wearing now, I probably won't even have a number of years from now because it will wear out. The truck I am driving will not last forever. Today is not the end.
Today is not the last day; there are many, many more days to come. And I felt God shining a light inside of me that whispered, "If you get too muddled down in the things that frustrate you today, you will not be able to see tomorrow up ahead."
We can't see around corners but, if I get too bogged down in being frustrated and pissed off, I won't even be able to see that there is a corner coming a little farther down the road.
I want to learn that the definition of hope is "not knowing." Not knowing, and trusting that it might be something wonderful or, if it's something tough, God will bring me through it and I will be stronger as a result.
Well, it just started raining. Like literally it's raining. But Luna and I are up on the steps of this church. It's just a light rain now and it's windy but it strikes me that I found shelter outside the doors of God's house when the rain started to fall.
So sweet.
Lord, help me to hear you. Help me to listen. Help me to hush the grumbling and complaining I sometimes find myself filled with; help me to, instead, be still and listen to Your still, small voice. To be still, and know that you are God.
You are bigger than my understanding, bigger than my doubt, you are greater than my disbelief. My life and my thoughts are such a tiny, minuscule orb in this endless, massive, vast, expansive universe.
You understood my thoughts before I thought them. You know so much more than I do. I mean, seriously, you know SO MUCH MORE than I do. I am little, tiny me and You are great big God.
It strikes me that, even though You are always with us, we must still come to You. Help me to come to You, Lord- and sit, and wait. And listen. Help me to absorb the essence that is Your love, the warmth that is Your truth. God I give my life to You all over again. Please, please take it from me because You can take so much better care of my life than I can on my own.
I am Yours. And so I listen.
