Yesterday, I stood outside of Albertson's a few minutes. I was playing a game on my phone, but also watching people... or "people watching," to sound less stalker-like.
I saw women with or without kids, most of whom looked like they were stopping by the store on their ways home from work. I tried to imagine what their world looked like, what their home atmosphere was like, and how their inner-family relationships might be categorized. What were their feelings? Were they going home to a happy, loving husband? To pleasant children who had fun stories to tell from their days at school? Were they going home to, instead, a deplorable situation? There was no way I could tell from glancing at them as they entered and left the grocery store.
As I stood there, lost in thought, I tried to imagine myself going home to a husband and two young kids. Going home to a clean house, nice and tidy, in a nice neighborhood.Maybe elementary schoolers. I pictured a smiling husband dressed in a shirt and tie, kids with colored pictures they were excited to show me... and I felt... smothered.
The thought of a family made me feel smothered.
No time to myself, at all, ever, is what I kept thinking.
And the husband part... nice guy or not, a husband is obviously not for me.
My mom has always told me she was incredibly depressed, all the years I was little. A part of me presumes that could be a part of my feelings of disdain or, more specifically, fear... toward raising a family.
Even with a partner, with adopted children. Though the concept of that carries less apprehension than the concept of the "American Dream" hetero family... I'm still hesitant to embrace that idea
Then I thought about posting those thoughts and feelings in a blog. I imagined mothers and wives reading this and thinking I was a closed-minded, ignorant liberal who had no idea about all the GOOD things they experienced with their families; their spouses and children. I almost didn't post this.
But you know what? These are my thought and feelings. Different than those of others, quite possibly, but nonetheless valid.
Just working through the muddle inside that is me. :)
Everyone has a point of view. Everyone is free to alter their point of view at any time. And everyone's point of view is valid.
Have a happy day :)
