If I Live to See the Seven Wonders

This evening, after work, I went to see my sister Sierra.  She's the one I've gotten to know; the other sister... I just don't know.

I went to see her because I wanted to tell her how glad I am to have her as a sister.  And I went to be with someone who understands what it's like to be Wayne Teekel's child and Brittany's sister.  Neither of them exert much effort to associate with Sierra.  And neither of them have ever exerted any effort to even meet me.

As my blog and my Facebook page show, all that has been on my mind in a HUGE way lately.  So heavy... it's so heavy.

My visit with Sierra and her awesome two daughters was wonderful.  I struggle a little with feeling comfortable around Sierra sometimes.  Her nature is calm.  My nature is silly... and hard to stifle.  I tried really hard today, and I was a lot more successful than on previous occasions.

Strange, though... something in me felt like I NEEDED Sierra... like, "BE my sister!  Not just every few months or every few years but ALL the time!  And especially now, because I am going through some really hard stuff and this is where a supportive, understanding sister would fit perfectly into the picture."

Plus she's been dealing with some uncomfortable health issues lately, so she's on my mind a lot and I miss her more than I had previously.

Between interjections from her 4 year old who just about looks like a Precious Moments doll (Ahhhh magash!!  Cuteness manifest!!!) I told Sierra things I've been thinking lately; how I've been feeling.  And, in between those times, we talked with the girls.  (Her other daughter is 14 and just started high school, same as one of my nephews on my mom's side of the planet.)

I did spend a little time playing "This Little Piggy" on the little one's toes.  HAD to...  😉

I could have stayed there and just melted into their little family.  Even when her fiance got home.  HE is a winner!  He is, from everything I've seen and know about him, a very upstanding, caring, loving, genuine good guy.  I think he treats all three of them - my sister and my nieces - very well, and I'm thankful for that.  But, yeah... I could have stayed indefinitely.

When I thought that, I decided I probably oughta get out of there because I was starting to feel emotional.  When I hugged Sierra goodbye, I actually started crying.  I let go of the hug, but I didn't want to.  I felt so empty and so... fragile, almost.

Because I am HURT!  And, relatively speaking, it is all still so very fresh and raw.  My FATHER couldn't give a FLIP that I am ALIVE.  An additional sister is pretty much of the same ilk.  It's a clawing, scraping sensation; scary and painful.  Writing this, I'm crying again.

Sierra grew up with these two in (or, on the periphery of) her life, so it's old hat to her, probably.  She's had 40-however many years to come to terms with it all.  Not that it doesn't still hurt deep down underneath sometimes, I'd venture to guess.  But she manages.  And that's the best any of us can do; when you can't change something, you make your tactic MANAGING how you let it affect your life.

I think that needs to be my next achievement in all this.

I got in my truck and let the tears file out, slowly at first but then in a more hurried procession.  I called my mom; she told me, with the best of intentions I'm sure, "Don't be sad about that."  Which is all well and good, but you can say that until your teeth fall our and, if a person FEELS sad, they are GOING TO FEEL SAD.

I came home, crawled up on the bed next to Lena and continued sobbing.  (My eyes are going to be LOVELY in the morning, I assure you.)  But Lena was awesome; she was LENA.  She said, "You feel however you need to feel, and cry all you feel like crying," gently touching my face as she spoke.  What an incredible woman.  What an absolutely incredible woman.

Anyway, the tears subsided after a little time passed and a spot about the size of a football was formed on her pillowcase... tears and makeup, ha!  She is so sweet and unpretentious; when I pointed out the spot to her, she simply smiled at me and turned the pillow over.  My girl.  ❤❤❤❤❤

All the ride home, I played "Seven Wonders" over and over.  I got some comfort from it; I love the song and I love the Stevie.  Tonight, Stevie was my friend and Stevie understood.  Maybe that should be my anthem for Wayne and Brittany...

"And if our paths never cross,

Well, you know I'm sorry but..."

(I'm going to live my LIFE aka see the Seven Wonders and whatever else is presented to me.  And if you aren't in my life, that's too bad... but I'm not going to waste time mourning over it.)

Here is Stevie to sing that lullaby.  Goodnight, dear friends.

Wandering Wednesday

Kind of funny; it just occurred to me that today is Wednesday as well.  As well as... the Wednesday I am going to describe in this blog post.  

LAST Wednesday, August 14, 2019... was a pretty ordinary day in Fort Worth.  I mean, when I say ordinary... ha... ordinary for ME.  My "ordinary" spreads far beyond the borders of the "ordinaries" of many other people.  Just sayin'.

I like to occasionally take a photo of an interesting foot.  This foot caught my attention during training that day.

Probbbbbably because it was looking close to untied.  I had to restrain the inner me who wanted to crawl under the table in front of me, crouch unnoticed by this foot and re-tie its shoe.  Yeahhh... no, I did not.  But I did take a picture.

See?  Ordinary.  hahahahaha

  Anyone who keeps up with me on Instagram knows that I like to draw cats.  I drew numerous cats during this class.  Some related to what was being taught; others... just happened.  Now that I'm home and in my element once again, I am re-drawing these cats larger, in color, in my sketch book.  I'm growing a collection of cats.  Collectively, they are Coffee Cats.  

(Check out my Insta if you wanna @myblueart75 . )

After the day's sessions ended, I changed clothes and set out on foot.  I think I walked a total of around 5 or 6 miles.  "Not a big deal," says me.  If I'd tried to drag Lena along with me, that journey would have been nipped in the bud and over before it began.  Ha!  

That's one of the reasons I love travelling for work.  In my free time, I can do whatever I want and not have to worry about walking too fast or whether someone else is enjoying where we've gone.  Just like I walked (and Metro'ed) all over D.C. - Fort Worth became my mini-kingdom.  

I.  LOVED.  IT.

As I had Googled to see what was where, before we went there, I saw the name of a street that truly made me laugh out loud.  On this Wandering Wednesday, I walked to an intersection that had the name of this street on a sign.  And I took a picture.  I love this.  How many people have their very own street?  hahahaha...

I walked a LONG way because I wanted to go see Leonard's Department Store Museum.  (Look it up; doesn't that sound fascinating?)  I got all the way there, and the place CLOSES at FOUR p.m. most days of the week, including that day.  I was SO let down.  

I took a picture of the sign in the window and sent it to Lena.  Because she had thought the place had sounded really interesting as well.

I told her we will go back there and see the place together!  And she thought that was a great idea.  AND we have made plans already to go to Fort Worth around in early November.  I have so many things I'm eager to show her!  But, we will drive there in my truck, so we will drive around IN Fort Worth, and not have to make all my same voyages on foot.

Okay I'm tired.  More blogging tomorrow.  More exciting tales will be revealed!

  Yeah whatever.  LOL

Later, hasta manana, buenos noches......

Tattin' Up Tuesday

Hello from Fort Worth! 

Time to tell the tale of Tuesday!  My brain woke me up at sunrise.  (Yeah, that happens more often than not... welcome to my life....)

Somehow, seeing this picture now has me expecting to see British nannies flying in beneath their proper, black umbrellas.  Crazy how childhood memories, though somewhat morphed, follow us around for the rest of our lives.

Aaaaanyway... I think I managed to get a little more sleep before I actually got up and dressed.  Went downstairs to our training session.  I know, right??  No commute!  No UBERs or taxis or Metros!  Just... an elevator.  *placated sigh*

Took one shot of the room we were in, just to show Lena what it looked like.  It was one of those quick, sneaky, snatched photos that is not composed or artistic at all... just a peek.

After training ended, I went upstairs to change and was right away out the door.  I had made a decision and headed out to make that decision a reality.

For a little over $8, I got a ride on their bike sharing program.  A little pricey maybe, but I got a lot of riding out of the deal.  So it was okay.

Aboard said bike, I pedaled with gusto across this, the Trinity River bridge.  Well I'm not sure that's specifically what it was called; I was on 7th Street, and it went over the Trinity River.  Which... was actually more like the Trinity Canal... but, for Texas, having an actual flowing channel of water was pretty impressive.  (Everything's bigger in Texas, eh?  Come over to where I live and meet my friend... the MISSISSIPPI RIVER!!!)  heh...

No but really, the bridge was really pretty AND there was a huge and beautifully green park just across the bridge, spanning from the riverbank to who knows how far... I would love to go to that park and just... BE... for several hours.

I mean, once it's not so----> H. O. T.  

"How hot was it, Nicole?"

"I'll tell you how hot it was!  It was so hot that... (insert punchline...)

• It was so hot, I saw a chicken lay an omelette!
• It was so hot, I saw two trees fighting over a dog!
• It was so hot, I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking!
• It was so hot, my thermometer went up to, "Are you kidding me?"
• It was so hot, I saw a bird pull a worm out of the ground with an over mitt!
• It was so hot, I heard Siri ask to be dipped in a glass of ice water!
• It was so hot, I started using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number!

(Wonk wonk wonk... thank you, thank you; that was my spontaneous Jay Leno impersonation...) (and no, those jokes were not original... LOL)

So I pedaled and sweated and pedaled and sweated and FINALLY arrived HERE!!:

 fmbng .mzfgzf                                     

A little backstory... for about a year, I had been back and forth over whether to get a tattoo.  I wanted a line from Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time" because that song swirls my emotions into stillness.  Because no person on the planet has ever said - or ever WILL say to me - that they will be there for me, no matter what it takes, no matter what.  I have been LOVED; I am currently VERY loved!  But I have never been offered that depth of genuine, legit committment.

And I realized one day, GOD is the only one who can be that for me.  Shoot, I don't really even want to offer that much of myself to anyone either!  It makes me scared and sounds exhausting.  I cannot be anyone's everything.  And no one can be mine.  God has put us on this earth with lots of wonderful people who come in and out of our lives, some for longer stays than others, who can provide for us GLIMPSES of God's love.  But no one can be God.

Only GOD is sufficient to be anyone's EVERYTHING.

And I wanted that tattooed on the inside of my arm, where I could look at it and read it any time I wanted, to be reminded that God IS my everything, and that God will NEVER leave me, forsake me, forget me, or fail me.  Never, never, never.

The night before, I was glancing at Instagram and saw a post by Cyndi Lauper.  The post was a video showing only a spinning vinyl record playing "Time After Time."  The text to her post said, "Happy Vinyl Album Day" or something similar.

And I'm not the type jump at everything and declare, "It's a SIGN!!"...  but that video felt symbolic to ME.  And I thought, why NOT??  Why not now, while I'm on this trip, exploring and adventurous... and why not HERE, in this city, in my favorite metroplex in the U.S.A.??

And I said to myself, "YES!  I'm going to do this!!!"

(Note:  I did text Lena first; not to ask permission, but to let her know.  All she asked was if I was SURE, because this was permanent.  I told her I was absolutely sure and she was, as always, supportive and amazing.)  ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

I especially liked the business name "Ink817" because 817 is the Fort Worth area code.  

😁😁😁

So.  A few hours after entering Ink817, I left beaming and smiling like a possum... delighted to be brandishing THIS!! --    

Set me back about $100 plus a tip because the guy who did it was pretty cool and did not seem to care about how I *ahem* SMELLED... after my aforementioned bicycle trip... man, it was awesome!

Note... I did not enjoy the pain of the tattoo.  I enjoyed the fresh sense of freedom I gained in knowing I had taken action to uniquely express MYself on MY body.  Like, "See??  SEE???  THIS, right here??  THIS is ME!!!"

("Hey Nicole, um... felt overlooked much?")

Well, yes, actually!  But I felt stronger with my new statement symbolizing "THESE ARE MY FEELINGS!!!  DEAL WITH IT!!" inked beautifully into my skin.

Aaaand... that was the gist of Tuesday.  I'll end here.  Gotta get ready for bed and go to work in the morning and all that.

BUT... there is STILL more goodness to share!!  I am so grateful for God's unconditional love.  Grateful for the freedom to express myself.  I thrive on self-expression, and this blog is another means of that.  Everyone is welcome here but, at the end of the day, this space is MINE to in which to explore my thoughts and express myself.

There I go again, gettin' all tangential... hahaha... 'night all!  Hugs hugs hugs all around!!

Nic

So Tell Me Why... My Car is in the Front Yard...

Etcetera... I like that song.  It's been in my head all morning.

Sorry for those of you who looked at my Ft. Worth blog and weren't able to see the pictures.  I don't know why that happens sometimes.  Maybe I should look into a new service for blogging.  I hear there are many...

I did it again... it was stupid, but I did it; I looked at Wayne Teekel's Facebook page.  For those of you not in-the-know, Wayne is my biological father.  Or, as I sometimes like to call him, the contributor of my second X chromosome.  I have never met the man.  I only first found out about him when I was 37.  But I'm about to be 44 this November so that's SEVEN years I've known about him... he's known that I know about him... and still he has extended zero effort to meet me.  We had one Facebook interchange: it ended with him saying, "We should have lunch" and me saying said, "Great, here's my phone number"... and the metaphorical line went dead there.  Seven freaking years ago.

One of my sisters through him has gone through some major stuff in her life over the past several years.  She is smart, kind, gentle, beautiful and a wonderful mom to her two girls.  And I'm grateful to know her.  But Pops??  He took no interest in offering her any caring or support.  Or... fatherly love.

Doesn't diminish her worth.  Just like his inattention doesn't diminish my worth.  It just hurts like hell.

But here's the best part.  There is another sister... who is apparently daddy's little girl.  They hang out all the time... his FB profile picture is him hugging her... you get it.  I've communicated with sister number two several times but have never met her, either.  What is the problem, here???

This hurts my feelings enormously!  Not constantly or every day but, when I see photos and Facebook posts, it really twists the knife I carry around in my heart.


(Nicole, why do you say you carry a knife in your heart?  Don't give in to that!  Pull it out, have victory over the hurt and let it make you stronger!) 

Bullshit.  That is bullshit.  I am hurt wounded and disjointed.  My identity as a human got fucked with.  I don't expect him to "fix" any of that.  But, damn it, he could extend a hand toward me, show a milli-drop of interest in my existence.

WHYYY won't he??  I'm told all the time, "That's just how he is"... or, my mom's favorite line, "Nicole, he's just an asshole."  But none of that helps ME.

It really hurts, especially at this moment.  And, yes, though I seldom actually cry, I am doing just that right now.  My face is leaking.  Nice.

Thanks for listening.  My invisible group of friends.  LOL  

My Marvelous Monnday in Fort Worth, TX

Hey Everybody!  Been awhile!  I spent this past week in Fort Worth, TX for my job.  I found a lot of fun to share so let's go!

Okay, wait... I have to post this first.  I saw someone in Fort Worth that looked eerily like someone I saw in Washington, D.C.  I have no idea who this guy is or why he seems to be following me around the country, but I have photographed him now twice.  The first was outside a museum in Chinatown in DC.  The second photo is from a few days ago in Burnett Park in Fort Worth.  So weird; he just... STANDS there.  Check them out, together, and tell me I'm imagining this is the same guy...

I don't know.  People be cray.  But let's move on... to the REST of the story!  😜

Monday, August 12 - My flight was set to leave BTR at 8 am.  I UBER'ed it there by about 6 or 6:30.  Trying to get up as un-early as possible, I waited until I got to the airport to "put ma face on."

So... BTR's not the biggest or busiest airport.  This is what it's like when you show up the 2 hours before your flight as recommended by the TSA:

So it was just the suitcase and me for a good little while.

On schedule, the plane took off at 8 and we headed west.  I spent most of the hour's flight drinking coffee and, um, killing zombies.  It was very gratifying.  hahaha

Before long, we got close to DFW.  

My amazing, awesome friend since about... 2000, 2001??... met me at the airport.  We hadn't seen each other in person since like 2006!  I'm so glad we've kept in touch.  Jerri and I spent the day just hanging out, cruising around, and talking.  Oh, we talked and talked and talked and talked.  That's what Jerri and I do best... we talk, catch up, understand each other and also do a LOT of laughing!  We had a great day.

We were actually so wrapped up in hanging out that I didn't think to take many pictures.  I wish I had gotten one of us together!  Well, that will definitely happen next time.  And I want to make sure there IS a next time, a lot sooner than it took before.

Texas had a lot of EVERYBODY bathrooms:

I am all for people's freedom to pee in the restroom of their choice.  All these type  bathrooms I saw had a one-person capacity.   

Having a transgender or transsexual person in the stall next to me doesn't give me a moment's pause.  But I DO take issue with sharing a one-person potty with straight males who pee on the floors.  Maybe even just a dribble.  But... seriously?  Women - even women who weren't born women - do not pee on the floor.  At all.  That's just a sizable irritant of mine.  Okay; moving on.  😅

So, in the late afternoon, I checked into the Worthington Renaissance Hotel.  That was a really nice hotel.  The bed I slept in just kind of... absorbed me into its softness.  I enjoyed every minute there in room 753.

Here was my view... I believe this is the Tarrant County Courthouse.

And, one of my favorite things, lots of natural daylight in the room with the curtains open!

Oh yeah, earlier when I was with Jerri, we went to Half Price Books in... Bedford or Hurst or somewhere between the airport and Fort Worth.  I found a treasure trove of Elvis albums, and I got 4 of them for Lena because she LOVES Elvis Presley, thank you, thank you very much.  Here are the ones I got.  (I actually called her and she picked them out over the phone)  LOL

Here are some things I saw around downtown:

Got a box of this hot sauce for a friend back at work:

Cactus Seats!!  Loved that.  

They also a very admirable memorial display for President John F. Kennedy.  If you remember, he had a Fort Worth speaking engagement and then a memorable interaction with an adoring public on the way to the plane he and Jackie took to Dallas... where he was shot and assassinated.  So, Fort Worth now presents this moving display in their honor.

(Look- so, yeah... the pink suit... that makes me so sad!)

Finally, I ended up at the Fort Worth Water Gardens; one of the highest on the list of things I wanted to see there.  It was one of those, "Well, I'll walk a LITTLE bit farther and maybe I'll see it... if not, I'll try again tomorrow" chances taken.  And I hit pay dirt!  Or, pay... water... haha...

And THIS is one of my favorite shots of the area surrounding Fort Worth Water Gardens:

 Kids are fun  😛

And Good Night, Cowtown!  I said goodnight of the week to the Lone Star State, looking at this beautiful view from my window.

More pictures to come in additional posts soon!

Nic  😙