Back in the 1970's, Danielle was in high school. She had a boyfriend named Mark, and they were crazy about each other. They dreamed of getting married, having a family, and said they would have a little girl and name her Lynnelle.
After two or three years of dating, Mark and Danielle got in a huge fight. Danielle threw Mark's ring at him and they broke up in a big storm of tears and words.
Two weeks after breaking up with Mark, on a blind date, Danielle met a guy named Joe. Joe was a nice guy and he saw Danielle off and on.
The whole time Danielle had dated Mark, Mark's friend Wayne had an eye for her. They flirted more and more after her breakup with Mark. Danielle told Mark she was going to start seeing Wayne. Mark said he didn't care, and off she went into the arms of Wayne.
For a time, Danielle dated both Joe and Wayne, off and on, back and forth. Then Joe decided to move to Texas in pursuit of another girl he'd had a crush on for a long time. So Joe left, and was gone for months. Danielle kept seeing Wayne, now exclusively.
One night, Danielle and Wayne had a blowout. They fought, said hateful words, and parted ways on bad terms.
One month later, Danielle turned up pregnant.
Danielle was scared and did not know what to do. Her father was angry and declared that whoever had gotten her pregnant better marry her and take care of her and their child. Danielle went to Wayne, told him she was pregnant and that they should marry. But Wayne would have none of that, and denied the baby even being his.
Around this time, Joe had given up his quest for his Texan dream girl and come home. He re-established contact with Danielle, and they started talking again. One night, she confided in Joe that she was pregnant, that Wayne would not take responsibility and that she was so scared, she didn't know what would happen to her.
Joe said, "Well... why don't you marry me?"
Danielle said, "Well... okay."
Joe and Danielle wed in August of 1975. In November of that same year, Danielle gave birth to a pink little girl. Joe signed the birth certificate as the baby's father.
Danielle named her daughter Lynnelle, the name she had previously chosen for the daughter she'd wanted to have with Mark.
Joe and Danielle agreed to never tell Lynnelle that she had any father besides Joe. Both their families knew Lynnelle was not Joe's biological daughter, but everyone agreed that she need not know that small detail. So no one ever told her. As she grew up, both sides of the family loved her and any memory or knowledge of Wayne was all but forgotten.
Years and decades passed. Joe and Danielle had 3 children together, in addition to Lynnelle who knew nothing other than she had two loving parents named Joe and Danielle and 3 younger siblings. Lynnelle loved her family.
When Lynnelle was 37, amidst a storm of family drama and upheaval, Danielle and Lynnelle met at a coffee shop to talk. Lynnelle had a number of questions, none of which were easy to answer. In the end, Danielle confessed to Lynnelle that Joe was not her biological father.
Nothing changed; family was still family and Joe was still Daddy... but...
Lynnelle was broken. What in the world was this crazy story she had been told? Was there really a Wayne? Did she actually have two half-sisters, Wayne's other daughters, whom she had never known about? Lynnelle's world spun until she was dizzy and almost sick.
She cried fat, heavy tears of pain and confusion. At one point, Lynnelle went to Joe, clung to him and sobbed, "YOU are my Daddy. You are my Daddy and I love you SO MUCH!" Lynnelle cried a long time and Joe heaved out his own sobs along with her.
Things were still the same, but... things would never be the same.
________________________________________________________________________________Grief... anger, denial, depression, bargaining... stages of grief... I go back and forth among and between these stages with no solace to be found.
I am deeply grateful for Lena, her arms, her very absorbent shoulders, and her bottomless well of caring and kindness. Lena speaks softly but carries great strength and has been a rock for me since I found this out.
I can't talk about it or write about it without having a spike in anxiety and a knotting of my stomach. I know I need to get it out... so I wrote it in 3rd person. It's the best I can manage right now.
I will always love my dad just the same. Sometimes I hate this other guy. Rarely am I interested in ever meeting him. He knows I exist; let him find me, get off his ass and put out a little EFFORT if he ever wants to know his oldest daughter. I have self respect; I have never and WILL never chase anyone and beg for their attention or affection.
I have a family that I love very much.
I also have a very broken heart, kind of a fog in my mind, a constant degree of inner anger and frustration, and am worried about getting a stomach ulcer over all this.
I am the type who needs to FINISH and RESOLVE things. This cannot and will never be finished or resolved.
I feel like a scared, lost little girl who has been hurt and needs help... but no one really sees her as they pass by, living their normal, everyday lives. The world moves on around her while her insides crumble and her world falls apart.
I will be okay. I'm strong. My mom apologizes for telling me, sorry because it hurt me... but I prefer the truth, even if it's a hard truth.
I will make it. Just gonna take all the time I need to process this. Only I can handle my life the way that is best for me, and I will take care of myself.
...With the help of my Father God, my partner Lena, and my sweet furbabies Leroy, Luna and Hippie, who make things just that much more okay just by BEING.
The End.
