At times in my life, I have come to a point where I had to make a decision. Not too long ago, I decided I was going to speak my mind and not care if someone "might get mad." And I have a lot more self-confidence after asserting myself that way several times now... but I still don't like having people mad at me.
HOWEVER!! I am SO "over" worrying about that kind of thing. Sick to death of doing potential preventive maintenance against anyone's possible reactions. I am neither a troublemakes nor a shit stirrer. I just stand up for myself when something rubs me wrong or pisses me off. Before, I would hold it in and the only person who was aware of that struggle would be ME. Done with that. You piss me off, you're gonna hear about it. I will try to be respectful as possible, but if you overreact and insist on staging some emoto-explosion... that is not my problem and I am not apologizing.
Money sucks. Money has a rope around my neck and is trying to drag me around with no mercy. I, on the other hand, am grappling and fighting and clawing with all I've got to maintain my ground. I hate money, the whole concept of it. Money connotes power and authority and "rights" - and FUCK that. I never want to borrow another cent as long as I live. Much of my life's stresses now come from indebtedness. I am struggling to keep my nose above water with just day-to-day expenses... a home, a vehicle, food, gas to get to and from work... and from seemingly every direction, every debt I have ever accrued is being pronounced DUE all at the same time. Great. I'll make it. God takes care of me.
I tell ya though, I could not live much cheaper than I do. I am renting the most affordable place I could find in a ghetto-esque area as acceptable to my family and my self-preservation instincts as I could find.
I drive a used vehicle, pay a relatively low monthly note and am 1 year into a 3-year payment plan... thought it needs work if it's going to live that long.
I am minimalist on my usage of utilities at home.
I find more of my food than I buy... not something I'm proud to announce, but that's what's up. Stores throw out perfectly good food. I collect it when I find it. Que serah serah and don't you dare criticize me.
I hate criticism. I hate being told what to do by people who have no business telling me what to do. One person's strong opinion does not translate into their having a right to legislate that to me.
Wowwwwwwwww this beautiful girl has just seated herself near me and it is very hard not to stare at her. No outward signs of "lesbian" anywhere on her... but she has long, wavy black hair and some of the the most jump-out-and-grab-you bright blue eyes I have ever seen. Check my history... I am a sucker for dark hair and blue eyes. And the two of you, if you read this, know who you are. :)
But I digress.
My plan is to pay OFF debt, first to people I know and then to companies and school loans... so nobody has a handle to grab on me, figuratively speaking. OR a rope to slip, much less tighten, around my neck. Forget that.
Then I will do whatever I WANT, whenever and wherever, period.
I will say this... I have had two amazing friends in particular who have helped me out financially, out of the goodness of their own hearts. Would not even tolerate discussion of repayment. May God multiply those blessings back to them 100-fold and may God also put me in a place where I can so freely and generously give to others. Paying it forward would be an amazing honor.
If my car will just hang in there, and I can pay it off, and still be able to drive it, I would have life without a car note and that would help me TONS. Guess I should take action on that check engine light... just bite the bullet on that one in the name of preventive maintenance.
And so, I finish this blog entry where I started it. Damn. Heh...
