I wish I could go back to college, live life over again, be 22 again, live somewhere far away and furrow myself a place in with an artsy, earthy, pot-smoking crowd of lesbians. Lesbians who like indie and folk music and love art. I wish I could actually just pick up my life as it is now, and drop it down right into that kind of setting. Cool nights out by group campfires encircled by lesbians with pets and acoustic instruments... guitars... hand drums... and Carrie beside me, sitting on the stump beside mine.
Life in love and loving life. Life in an RV filled with our pets as we travel the country just for the sake of enjoying it, with our home base somewhere very lesbian and cool like Asheville, NC.
Life is better with your nostrils drawing cool, clear night air and the one you love by your side. I want to go camping with Carrie. Wow. Carrie and a few friends maybe.
(Just not one particular friend. I don't trust her.)
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Indefinitely
Yeah, so, today was my 2nd day at home with no work to go to. As many times as I've sat at a desk and longed to be home, this is really the pits.
I have very little money to live on indefinitely. I have a possible great job that will start on Monday and, if that doesn't pan out, I have an interview next week. So I am not without leads... I'm more... without enthusiasm.
Guess I'm a little depressed. Blah. My birthday is Saturday and it is so not a big deal to my family. It's a big deal to Carrie but I feel guilty about that... she's talking about getting me a gift but I'm dead weight to her right now until I'm drawing income again. She doesn't need to buy me a gift. I need only for her to be patient with me until I get back on my feet. She is so wonderful and I am grateful for her.
La tee dah. I would love to be as unconcerned as my cats. They just lay around and sleep, not a care in the world. *grin*
I have very little money to live on indefinitely. I have a possible great job that will start on Monday and, if that doesn't pan out, I have an interview next week. So I am not without leads... I'm more... without enthusiasm.
Guess I'm a little depressed. Blah. My birthday is Saturday and it is so not a big deal to my family. It's a big deal to Carrie but I feel guilty about that... she's talking about getting me a gift but I'm dead weight to her right now until I'm drawing income again. She doesn't need to buy me a gift. I need only for her to be patient with me until I get back on my feet. She is so wonderful and I am grateful for her.
La tee dah. I would love to be as unconcerned as my cats. They just lay around and sleep, not a care in the world. *grin*
Monday, November 16, 2009
Still I Lurk
Bwaa haa ha... yes I am still here. I had a DAY today... my feelings are all in a rumple and I hope I can just attribute this state to PMS and move past it. Even deleted my Facebook page on a whim, deciding I did not need internet socialization sites to have a life, and deciding I would make the internet a much less central part of my life.
See how well that worked, heh... well whatever. I'm at the library, the "Ghettobrary," as I affectionately named it today... near where we used to live, by LSU. C is visiting a friend of hers nearby. She will be back by soon.
Poor Luna is at home... I should have left her tied outside today but I was worried it would rain on her. Which, it did rain... but now she's trapped in the house with noplace to pee. My sweet girl. We will be there relatively soon. We are close in that we are very near the bridge but not so close in that we have approximately 12 miles to go after crossing said bridge. Hang in there, Lu. We will go for a good long walk when I get home.
I need a walk anyway; shake off some of this mood.
I have a lot of frustrations in life. In many different areas. But, all in all, sometimes I want to just take Luna and hit the road... on foot, of course, as I am currently sans automobile... but head... somewhere, who cares where... and start somewhere new. I doubt that would work. You hear all these stories of these celebrities who left their hometowns and headed to Hollywood with $20 to their name and look at where they are now... I don't get the feeling that would work for me. But, who knows.
Maybe I will start blogging on here again. Facebook does not have a blog really, and I have been missing my little blogging excursions.
I am about to check out a bunch of art books. When I get home (and after the walk with Luna) I am going to hide in the attic which is shaping up into quite the art studio. Maybe I'll make something that will make me feel better. *grin*
See how well that worked, heh... well whatever. I'm at the library, the "Ghettobrary," as I affectionately named it today... near where we used to live, by LSU. C is visiting a friend of hers nearby. She will be back by soon.
Poor Luna is at home... I should have left her tied outside today but I was worried it would rain on her. Which, it did rain... but now she's trapped in the house with noplace to pee. My sweet girl. We will be there relatively soon. We are close in that we are very near the bridge but not so close in that we have approximately 12 miles to go after crossing said bridge. Hang in there, Lu. We will go for a good long walk when I get home.
I need a walk anyway; shake off some of this mood.
I have a lot of frustrations in life. In many different areas. But, all in all, sometimes I want to just take Luna and hit the road... on foot, of course, as I am currently sans automobile... but head... somewhere, who cares where... and start somewhere new. I doubt that would work. You hear all these stories of these celebrities who left their hometowns and headed to Hollywood with $20 to their name and look at where they are now... I don't get the feeling that would work for me. But, who knows.
Maybe I will start blogging on here again. Facebook does not have a blog really, and I have been missing my little blogging excursions.
I am about to check out a bunch of art books. When I get home (and after the walk with Luna) I am going to hide in the attic which is shaping up into quite the art studio. Maybe I'll make something that will make me feel better. *grin*
Friday, November 6, 2009
Just Like Lu
Luna is my sweet dog. I have had her since 2006 and have gotten pretty attached during that time. Love my Lu.
I think Luna is a lot like me… or else I project my emotions onto her… or else she has been around me so much, she has acquired my emotional expression tendencies.
But, for the sake of this blog, let’s just say that is all true.
Luna and I both:
• Look and/or feel a little sad, a lot of the time, but can easily be made to smile
• Like to explore places a lot of others would just as soon leave alone
• Love to eat
• Are defensive of those we care about
• Are very curious
• Sometimes either don’t hear or just don’t want to listen… we’re not sure of which
• Love to take naps on soft places
• Wish we had a few things we don’t
• Get lonely easily but are always open to making new friends
• Love Carrie, Avery, Abel and Vladimir
• Can usually be pretty patient
• Like being outside
• Think snow is fun
• Love treats
• Are glad it’s FRIDAY!!
That’s all I can think of for now. :o) Here’s to today being over quickly!!
I think Luna is a lot like me… or else I project my emotions onto her… or else she has been around me so much, she has acquired my emotional expression tendencies.
But, for the sake of this blog, let’s just say that is all true.
Luna and I both:
• Look and/or feel a little sad, a lot of the time, but can easily be made to smile
• Like to explore places a lot of others would just as soon leave alone
• Love to eat
• Are defensive of those we care about
• Are very curious
• Sometimes either don’t hear or just don’t want to listen… we’re not sure of which
• Love to take naps on soft places
• Wish we had a few things we don’t
• Get lonely easily but are always open to making new friends
• Love Carrie, Avery, Abel and Vladimir
• Can usually be pretty patient
• Like being outside
• Think snow is fun
• Love treats
• Are glad it’s FRIDAY!!
That’s all I can think of for now. :o) Here’s to today being over quickly!!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
The Wisdom of Gene Simmons
This past Sunday morning, I woke up very early in the Queen & Crescent Hotel in New Orleans. Carrie was asleep. Until I was able to fall back to sleep, I watched the show "Biography" on the History Channel. First they showed one about Meatloaf (...) and then Gene Simmons.
Gene said something that has stuck with me. Basically, no matter what you do, be it rock and roll or whatever career or anything you want to do, you have to work hard at it to be successful. He talked about how you had to WORK HARD if you were a songwriter; not just sit around and wait, hoping to be "inspired." If you want to be successful at ANYTHING, you give it the best HARD WORK you have.
So I am attempting to do my best hard work at school and otherwise. Have to run - more to come... :o)
Gene said something that has stuck with me. Basically, no matter what you do, be it rock and roll or whatever career or anything you want to do, you have to work hard at it to be successful. He talked about how you had to WORK HARD if you were a songwriter; not just sit around and wait, hoping to be "inspired." If you want to be successful at ANYTHING, you give it the best HARD WORK you have.
So I am attempting to do my best hard work at school and otherwise. Have to run - more to come... :o)
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Mercy
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS. I AM FINE WITH MYSELF, I READ A PATCH OF SCRIPTURE, AND I AM DANGLING OVER THE PIT I LIVED IN FOR YEARS AND YEARS. SCRIPTURES THAT I CANNOT LIVE UP TO, UNDER THE MENTALITY I USED TO HAVE… NEVER GOOD ENOUGH, UNLESS IT’S PERFECT IT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH… BUT IT’S NEVER PERFECT, SO IT’S NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. SO I LIVED LIFE FOR YEARS AND YEARS BEATING MYSELF UP, LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY, AND HAVE FINALLY ESCAPED THAT RAT TRAP TO WHERE I AM OKAY. I AM OKAY WITH MYSELF. I AM OKAY WITH MY LIFE, MY LIFESTYLE AND MY CHOICES, AND I AM OKAY WITH MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD. I BELIEVE STRONGLY THAT HE LOVES ME AND THAT ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT I HAVE ACCEPTED SALVATION FROM HIM. THEN I GET THIS BIT OF “HOW TO BE AN EVEN BETTER CHRISTIAN” SCRIPTURE… NONETHELESS, DEALT TO ME BY MY SISTER WHO APPARENTLY IS A BETTER CHRISTIAN. THERE IS THEREFORE NOW NO CONDEMNATION FOR THOSE WHO ARE IN CHRIST JESUS. YOU CAN SCRIPTURE YOUR WAY OUT OF ANY ARGUMENT. DO NOT CALL IMPURE THAT WHICH GOD HAS MADE CLEAN. ETC ETC. I AM A CHRISTIAN LESBIAN WHO DRINKS ALCOHOL SOMETIMES. I HAVE ACCEPTED SALVATION BY THE DEATH AND RESURRECTION OF JESUS CHRIST AS A ONCE AND FOR ALL SACRIFICE FOR MY SINS. BUT ROMANS 6 SAYS THIS:
“IN THE SAME WAY, COUNT YOURSELVES DEAD TO SIN BUT ALIVE TO GOD IN CHRIST JESUS. DO NOT LET SIN REIGN IN YOUR MORTAL BODY SO THAT YOU OBEY ITS EVIL DESIRES. DO NOT OFFER THE PARTS OF YOUR BODY TO SIN, AS INSTRUMENTS OF WICKEDNESS, BUT RATHER OFFER YOURSELVES TO GOD, AS THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN BROUGHT FROM DEATH TO LIFE; AND OFFER THE PARTS OF YOUR BODY TO HIM AS INSTRUMENTS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS. FOR SIN SHALL NOT BE YOUR MASTER, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT UNDER LAW, BUT UNDER GRACE. WHAT THEN? SHALL WE SIN BECAUSE WE ARE NOT UNDER LAW BUT UNDER GRACE? BY NO MEANS!”
…AND IT GOES ON AND ON. THAT PORTRAYS AN IRON ROD BEATING OF PUNISHMENT FOR ANYTHING CALLED SIN; ANYTHING IMPERFECT. I CAN NEVER AND WILL NEVER BE PERFECT! THAT IS WHY I RAN FROM THE CHURCH YEARS AGO; COULD NO LONGER TAKE THE PRESSURE.
I COULD STRIVE EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE TO BE PERFECT AND NOT SIN, AND I WOULD SURELY FAIL EVERY SINGLE DAY. IT’S A DOWNWARD SPIRAL OF FAILURE AND SELF-PUNISHMENT FOR ME. I CANNOT DO THAT. I USED TO CONSTANTLY LIVE THAT WAY – DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF FOR WHO I WAS AND HOW I COULD NEVER MEET THE MARK. PUNISHING MYSELF, HURTING MYSELF EVEN. IT WAS A MILITANT FRUSTRATION AND IT WAS ME AGAINST MYSELF. I COULD NEVER WIN.
I WANT TO KNOW AND LOVE GOD, BUT I WANT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD TO BE BETWEEN GOD AND ME. I AM NOT COMPELLED TO CHANGE MY LIFE. I AM SOLID IN WHO I AM AND WILL NEVER BE ANYTHING BUT WHO I AM. THIS MAKES ME WANT TO RUN AWAY. JUST TAKE OFF AND RUN AWAY. BUT I AM OLDER NOW, AND I KNOW NOT TO DO THAT. I KNOW TO STAY, TO STAND, AND SOMEHOW THIS WILL RESOLVE WITH TIME. I THROW MYSELF ON GOD’S MERCY. I NEED MERCY SO BAD. THIS IS ME, GOD. PLEASE TAKE ME AS I AM AND DO WITH ME WHAT YOU WILL. I AM HELPLESS AND AFRAID.
“IN THE SAME WAY, COUNT YOURSELVES DEAD TO SIN BUT ALIVE TO GOD IN CHRIST JESUS. DO NOT LET SIN REIGN IN YOUR MORTAL BODY SO THAT YOU OBEY ITS EVIL DESIRES. DO NOT OFFER THE PARTS OF YOUR BODY TO SIN, AS INSTRUMENTS OF WICKEDNESS, BUT RATHER OFFER YOURSELVES TO GOD, AS THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN BROUGHT FROM DEATH TO LIFE; AND OFFER THE PARTS OF YOUR BODY TO HIM AS INSTRUMENTS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS. FOR SIN SHALL NOT BE YOUR MASTER, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT UNDER LAW, BUT UNDER GRACE. WHAT THEN? SHALL WE SIN BECAUSE WE ARE NOT UNDER LAW BUT UNDER GRACE? BY NO MEANS!”
…AND IT GOES ON AND ON. THAT PORTRAYS AN IRON ROD BEATING OF PUNISHMENT FOR ANYTHING CALLED SIN; ANYTHING IMPERFECT. I CAN NEVER AND WILL NEVER BE PERFECT! THAT IS WHY I RAN FROM THE CHURCH YEARS AGO; COULD NO LONGER TAKE THE PRESSURE.
I COULD STRIVE EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE TO BE PERFECT AND NOT SIN, AND I WOULD SURELY FAIL EVERY SINGLE DAY. IT’S A DOWNWARD SPIRAL OF FAILURE AND SELF-PUNISHMENT FOR ME. I CANNOT DO THAT. I USED TO CONSTANTLY LIVE THAT WAY – DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF FOR WHO I WAS AND HOW I COULD NEVER MEET THE MARK. PUNISHING MYSELF, HURTING MYSELF EVEN. IT WAS A MILITANT FRUSTRATION AND IT WAS ME AGAINST MYSELF. I COULD NEVER WIN.
I WANT TO KNOW AND LOVE GOD, BUT I WANT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD TO BE BETWEEN GOD AND ME. I AM NOT COMPELLED TO CHANGE MY LIFE. I AM SOLID IN WHO I AM AND WILL NEVER BE ANYTHING BUT WHO I AM. THIS MAKES ME WANT TO RUN AWAY. JUST TAKE OFF AND RUN AWAY. BUT I AM OLDER NOW, AND I KNOW NOT TO DO THAT. I KNOW TO STAY, TO STAND, AND SOMEHOW THIS WILL RESOLVE WITH TIME. I THROW MYSELF ON GOD’S MERCY. I NEED MERCY SO BAD. THIS IS ME, GOD. PLEASE TAKE ME AS I AM AND DO WITH ME WHAT YOU WILL. I AM HELPLESS AND AFRAID.
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