I don't fucking care today. And while that sounds like a tongue-in-cheek reference to Dr. Seuss, I just really don't fucking care.
I do not want to go to work today. But I am going. Fuck it.
I missed 4 hours yesterday because of a Dr. appt. Fuck it. I will try and make those missing hours up the rest of this week but I am not going to stress over it. I never have enough money anyway.
I love my new kitten Vladimir. Even though he peed in my bed last night. I can hear my mother's voice, embedded in my mind, saying, "You shouldn't have gotten that cat. You're taking too much on. You need to give it away. It's too much."
I will always tell Avery and Abel they CAN, no matter what it is they want to do. And instead of telling them they can't and walking off, I will HELP as much as I can to do whatever it is they dream of doing. Those are not my own sons, but they are my little BOYZZ, and I give my heart to those sweet little boogers. They will rule the world if I have anything to do with it. So there.
I personally believe that lies at the root of a lot of my tendencies to self-doubt when trying to take on new things. I've always been told I can't or that I should be super-cautious. Fuck that. That's why I have tended to give up on new jobs too easily in the past; ooh this is too much; I can't take this on; I can't do this... and stress would compound on me, and I would give up.
I don't especially love my job right now, but I am going there today to earn my 8 hours, hopefully maybe one or two extra if I can summon that out of myself... and there's no promise that this will ever turn into a permanent job, but fuck it... I've found new jobs before, all my life. Mandie said I was the queen of finding new jobs. I wish I had something FUN to do for a job. Like if I could work in a coffee shop all the time. Might get hectic sometimes, but it would be people in and out all day; no computer screens or at least at a minimal level... I could sell my car if I got on at a store close enough and bike it to work... the lower pay would be compensated for by the lack of car note, lack of gas expenses, and lack of insurance. It would even out.
I'm so fucking sick of life. Not as in, I want to die... I'm just sick of this world and all the bullshit I trod through every day, playing the corporate/contract game... I'm going to be late today on purpose. Fuck it.
I spent about $22 yesterday on pet stuff. It was my choice. Granted, I had allotted myself $60 to live on for the week including gas, and I have driven already so much this week that the gas I filled up with on Saturday is down to about a quarter of a tank... but fuck it. Whatever. I have had a sign on the bulletin board at work for a month now, offering to pay half the gas if anyone passing by where I live would just slow down and let me jump in and sit in their car on the ride to and from work. No response. Whatever. Fuck it.
I don't even care. I hate where I've come from in life and I hate that, overall, my opinion of my life is that I have continuously failed or not been "enough"... but I keep going... I need to try a different tactic if I want a different outcome, right? Maybe it's time for something drastic.
I think this alt cert teaching thing would be such a drastic change... I really want to do this. I almost did it last year, but withdrew my application at the very last moment because so many people told me I couldn't or that I would hate it. Fuck that. I'm going to do it for myself and see. It might be just my niche. Someone I respect greatly has told me that teaching is a noble profession, her words exactly. I've watched her life go through several phases since I've known her and have viewed her as successful in each phase. Because she does not give up, and she gives it her all.
So, more people want money from me than I have money to give them, despite working 40 hour weeks at a fortune fucking 500 company. Ahh the sweet irony... like chewing iron itself. Fuck it all, man. I'm gonna go to work, do my assigned tasks, and do my own thing in the meantime. And fuck you to anyone who has a problem with that.
I am grateful for my friends and my emotional support, few and far between but all the more valuable because of that. Today I want to make a list of things I WANT to do, no matter their level of practicality, and set out to DO them. Fuck the rest of it. You only get one life; might as well be happy.
Anyway I still have a few minutes and I can leave for work and still be on time. So fuck you too. *grin*
Much love to my adoring public,
Nicole the Valiant
