My cat Leroy... that's his line... he says it at night, wandering through my apartment, like he is lost and alone in the dark. I mean, it's a version of "meow," but it really does sound like, "HELLOOOOOOOOO??"
Anyway, hello to anyone reading this. Been awhile. Haven't felt like I had anything important enough to write and publish. What I say today isn't important or anything, either; just though I'd post a blog. Just for the heck of it.
So, here goes. This weekend, I'm supposed to be meeting one of my two recently-discovered sisters. Not sure it will really happen; this is still sort of unreal to me. Meeting this girl is going to bring this really fictional-seeming story into the light and it will become something real and actual. Kinda freaky... but I will follow through and see if we can actually make time-and-place plans and hope we hit it off. We already have kind of become friends, messaging on Facebook. It's just the face-to-face thing. Kinda nervous... kind of unsettled.
This "extra family" chapter in my life has made me realize one thing for sure: I SO appreciate my FAMILY! Extended family - aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents... because not ONCE did I ever go around any of my family wondering what they would think of me, whether they would like me, whether they would accept me. It was just a given; I was a PART, we all belonged there, and everybody was ok just as he or she was. Period. Now I'm faced with potentially meeting NEW family... people who have always been my relatives but whom I have never met and, until a year or so ago, had never known about. Now I'm going to wonder, "What do they think of me? Do they like me? Do they think I'm snobby/quiet/nerdy/fat/pretty/etcetera?" Never had to do that before.
I met a "new" aunt last Sunday. She was really nice. I made a point not to say much beyond what was asked of me. Then I wondered if that had seemed aloof and snobby. I am totally my worst critic. The afternoon went well; I should just leave it at that and not overthink stuff.
What else, what else... I've kind of pulled in a little. Before writing this, I reread my last post and it sounded like I was starting to do that even back then. I have not been to church in months. God and I are fine; I'm not at all insecure about that relationship. I just got tired of going to church; didn't see a point in it, so I... stopped. Probably I really just "paused," but I have not been in awhile. I will probably start again at some point. Now, though... I just have no interest in the whole dog-and-pony Sunday routine. Blah.
Lena has not gone either. We've talked about it; I wanted her to go on her own if she wanted to go. I wanted to know I would not feel abandoned or anything else crazy like that. She has had many of the same sentiments I've had about Sunday morning church and so the two of us have been staying home.
I still read my Bible, about as much as I have for awhile now. I talk to God. God talks to me. I'm okay.
The job interview I was hoping on... did not pan out into a job. So I'm still at my same job. I make a decent rate per hour; I just have so much to pay out each month, it's sometimes barely enough. But God is providing and I'm getting by.
We didn't go to Pride this year, either. We agreed, we were both bored with it; the same-ol' same-ol'... I wonder if Lena feels as unsettled in GENERAL as I do, lately. I'll have to ask her that.
Go somewhere new, hope for something better... I feel like I've spent my life from High School on, chasing the end of the rainbow. I want to move. I don't expect anything to be drastically better that here; I know that this world is what it is. Everywhere is pretty much the same, making allowances for weather and culture variances. Bosses are assholes; coworkers are irritating; family is, simultaneously, treasured and annoying; landlords are pricks; churches are full of imperfect people just like me... etcetera....
I don't know what I'm looking for, exactly. I would love to be able to point my finger and say, "THIS!! is what I want in life! This, right here!"... but I'm learning as I grow... there are few ultimates in this world. Even in the Christianly-promised afterlife... the Kingdom of God... I have been taught we will still have jobs, still have work, still have... life.
Eternal life. Heh...
I wish for eternal ESCAPE... something better than just plain life. I mean, I prefer life to death, of course... but... just life?? That doesn't seem too exciting to me.
Any thoughts on this, anyone? I'm all ears, and would love to hear your thoughts.
Until another time, then! :)
