Yesterday.
Wow. I don't know whether to call it a sudden breakdown or a breakdown that was a long time coming, but I BROKE... WAY down.
It started on I-10 yesterday in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Little feelings of sadness... flashes of frustration... as I sat in traffic, surrounded by vehicle exhaust, my own ghostly emissions of anger slowly formed their own cloud inside my car.
By the time I got home, I was sobbing. Sobbing and screaming in the car is great because no one can hear you and, from the outside, you just look like you're passionately singing along to a song on the radio.
At one point during my drive, I called my mom. I choked out, "So is that it? Is that ALL, or should I expect any other surprise announcements?"
She told me no, there was nothing else. She apologised. Again. And, again, I said I wasn't angry with her... just mixed up over the situation.
"Life is so f***ed up, Mama!"
"I know, Baby. It is. And I wish I could explain it all."
I got home. Once I had let my Luna out to do her business, called Lena, summarized my circumstances and told her I needed some time before I came over. She understood. She's so good to me.
Inside my house, I fell on the bed and kept crying.
And I talked to God.
I told Him ALLLLLLLLLLL about it. And He listened. And He heard me.
Feeling the ache in my very soul, the pain hovering right in the center of my chest, I realized something. Softly I cried, "Lord, my HEART is broken."
Over and over, "My heart is broken. My HEART is broken. My heart is BROKEN, Lord. I don't remember feeling this brokenhearted ever before. Help me, Lord. Oh, please help me. It HURTS."
Still crying, I took a shower. As I washed away the salty sweat, dust and dirt from working in the Plant all day, the tears continued to flow, mixing with the water and going down the drain.
I poured my heart out to God... all the stained, dirty, jagged, broken pieces... and He kept all those pieces.
Psalm 56:8 - "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book."
I am not magically all fixed up, but I do feel a little better.
I am learning there is not necessarily a clear beginning and ending point to my experiences in life. Those experiences kind of evolve into my reality then continue with me as I move forward. I gain knowledge and understanding that are forming who I am.
By God's grace and, as I lower my resistance and allow this knowledge and understanding to blend with my soul, I am changing. By God's grace, I submit to His work and filter everything through His Spirit, keeping what is worth keeping and washing away the silt, the dirt, the wrong. As I allow myself to be molded, added to and reshapen, I grow stronger and become a better person.
I remember a youth pastor saying, "You can let life's trials to make you BITTER, or you can let them make you BETTER."
This "WHO'S YA DADDY?" experience has changed and is changing me. It hurts! And the hurting isn't over.
However, I am learning along the way. I pray I continually grow and become better, not bitter... that I gain depth and have more understanding to offer others who are hurting.
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Kind of a side note... this is my FAVORITE YouTube video. It kind of relates to this blog post... going through things that hurt but not giving up... anyway, I guarantee it will make you smile. :-)
